


The Things Unseen (Make The Soul Ache)-The In Between

by AGJ1990



Series: Kayla Winchester [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Past Sexual Abuse, Teenage Drama, Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-09-06 03:51:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 112,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20284936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGJ1990/pseuds/AGJ1990
Summary: Takes place between The Moon and the Stars and The Things Unseen (Make The Soul Ache). Thirteen year old Kayla is carrying a dark, ugly secret, and it's causing her to lash out at her family and friends. Rated M for mentions of past sexual assault.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me.
> 
> Updated A/N: So, I just went back to reread chapter one, and I don't know what in the heck happened to it. For some reason the chapter copied several times and nothing was formatted correctly. I have fixed it (I'm 99% sure) and I apologize for that chapter looking so rough. Yikes.

It was the first time Kayla had felt happy in months. And she'd completely screwed it up.

_Nice job, idiot. Don't you know you can't be happy?_

Kayla shook her head to get the voice torturing her out, and turned back to her homework with a fresh vigor. She'd finished it hours ago, but had actually erased all her answers and was doing it over again.

_What's the use? You're too dumb to get it right anyway._

"Shut up." Kayla said.

That sometimes worked. It kept the voice under control for a minute and let her do what she had to do. Homework, chores, something her parents asked her to do. But it never failed to come back. And when it came back, Kayla turned mean again.

Something in the kitchen made her mother laugh, and Kayla suddenly felt a deep sense of shame. There was a party happening in the kitchen, and Kayla had been banished to her room. Which was fine with her, but she had to act like she was upset about it. Kayla half-heartedly approached another problem on her homework, thinking about what she'd done earlier to earn her the status of outcast in her family for the night.

_Thirty Minutes Earlier_

_Art stood at the table, lifting up the glass of wine that Jess had poured for him. He placed a hand on Kayla's shoulder, and she had to remind herself not to flinch. She couldn't help the tenseness in her shoulders, though, and Art simply responded by squeezing tighter._

_"Well, family, I want to say thanks for the lovely party. But it's almost time for me to say goodbye."_

_"What do you mean, goodbye? Where you going?" Mary protested, and Kayla had to stop herself from telling Mary to get as far away from Art as she could._

_"Well, kiddo. I got another job. In Boston."_

_"Boston?" Kayla asked. "Really?"_

_"Really."_

_The relief was powerful. He was gone. She only had a little while longer to be afraid. Had she taken a second to think, Kayla would never have reacted the way she did. But she'd been thinking for months. About how to avoid Art. How to convince her parents not to let him and his wife babysit, and definitely not to let Art babysit by himself. How to avoid looking hurt and terrified like she was every second of every day. But for once, she didn't think. She let out a breath she'd been holding for the last four months and laughed. Actually laughed. She reveled in the feeling for a few moments, letting her heart and mind reset and stop telling her she was in constant danger._

_Then she looked up. All eyes were on her. Art's wife Karen was the one whose reaction she couldn't quite place. Was it remorse? But her mother, sister, and father's faces were quite clear. Her sister was surprised and confused. Her mother was looking disappointed, and her father angry. The last few months, anger seemed her father's default reaction to her. Kayla thought about apologizing, but it wouldn't do any good. Kayla swallowed and stood up._

_"I'll go to my room."_

_"I think that's a great idea." Sam said. "After you apologize."_

_No way, Kayla wanted to say. Not happening. But she'd disappointed Sam enough, so she swallowed and tried to stop the bile from surging through her throat. "I'm sorry."_

"_It's okay, kid." Art said._

_"No. It really isn't." Sam said. "Kayla, go to your room and stay there. I'll be there to talk to you before you go to bed."_

_"Yes, sir."_

Her mother laughed again, followed by her sister, and Kayla's heart twinged. She used to be able to make her mother laugh with almost no effort. It wasn't hard. Half the time she didn't even know what she'd done to make her mom so happy. Her father was a little harder to amuse, but it was well worth the effort. When Sam laughed, he'd at first pretend not to, then grab her in for a tight hug, and she'd be able to feel his chest shake from the laughs that, only a few seconds earlier, he'd been trying to suppress.

"Hey, kid."

Kayla nearly sailed out of her desk chair. Art was standing in the door to her room. Kayla gripped the sides of her chair so hard her knuckles were white. She hated herself for shaking, but she couldn't help it.

"What are you doing here?"

"Your dad said I could come and talk to you." Art grinned.

"Leave me alone." Kayla said. "You're already leaving, just go already."

"You're awful brave when your parents are here."

"Don't touch me or come any closer." Kayla demanded. "I swear I'll scream for my dad if you do."

"Go ahead. I'll wait. " Art said.

"He'll kill you for what you've done to me." Kayla said.

"Maybe. But just remember, he'll never look at you the same way either." Art reminded her. When Kayla frowned, Art laughed cruelly and said, "Which, based on how he reacted at the table earlier, might already be true."

"Go away." Kayla said again.

Art's feigned amusement suddenly turned. Kayla was used to this. He'd pretend to be charming, almost as if he was trying to convince her to date him. When she refused, that was when she saw the angry side of him. The part that truly scared her. Art moved closer and reached out to grab her by the collar of her shirt. When Kayla opened her mouth to follow through on her threat, Art could see she wasn't bluffing, and instead he placed botht palms flat down on her desk.

"Listen, you little bitch. Just because I'm gonna be out of town doesn't mean you'll never see me again. And when I come back, it's business as usual. Got it?"

"No." Kayla said. "Never again."

"Then I start with your little sister." Art said, knowing exactly the way to get to her. Kayla's eyes filling with tears told him everything he needed to know. "That's what I thought. And if you ever tell anyone, especially your dad..."

"You'll kill me. I know."

"No. Not anymore. You ever tell anyone, I'll kill Mary. After I have a little fun with her. " Art threatened. "Now, your dad said if I made up with you, I could let you come back down to the living room with the rest of us."

"I'll stay in here."

"Now, come on..." Art reached out to grab Kayla's hair.

Kayla snapped. She grabbed his hand and pushed it away from her, then screamed, "I said no! Go away!"

"Kayla!"

Kayla looked up to see her mother and father standing in the doorway. Her mother looked concerned, and her father, of course, was even angrier than he'd been in the kitchen. How much did they hear?, she wondered. Apparently not enough.

"What is going on?" Jess asked.

"Kayla was struggling a bit with a math problem. I offered to help, and I just got a little pushy, I guess. Sorry, kid."

"My name isn't kid. And it's not Kay, or kiddo, it's Kayla. And I told you I don't like you in my room. Now leave me alone!"

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Sam asked with clenched teeth.

"Sam, just leave it." Art said. "It's okay."

"No, it's not. Art, I'm sorry, bud."

"It really is okay. Kayla, I'm sorry. I just wish we could be friends. I really like you."

Yeah, I bet you do, Kayla thought bitterly.

"Kayla, are you planning to apologize?"

"For what? For telling him nicely to please leave me alone, then telling him to go away, and then pushing him away from my desk when he still didn't listen? No. I don't."

Kayla had seen Sam angry before, but he looked ready to turn his entire fury on her at that very moment. Kayla wanted to scream right back at her father. At her mother, at Karen, at anyone else who would listen. _He raped me, you idiots! And you sent him to my room to make me apologize to him AGAIN! Oh, and to top that, he threatened Mary too. A five-year-old kid._ But Kayla said nothing, just crossed her arms over her chest and sat back down at her desk chair.

"Sam, I'm gonna head home now. Karen and I need to finish packing anyway. You still okay taking us to the airport tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'll come get you guys around eleven. See you then."

As Art headed towards the kitchen, Sam took another look at Kayla. He wanted to ground her, yell at her, punish her for the entire night, but Sam was just tired. Jess grabbed his arm and pulled, urging him to follow her and not make the situation worse. Kayla could feel Sam's angry and disappointing stare, and she didn't look up. She was too afraid she'd see that he hated her. Once her parents left to see Art and Karen out, Kayla got up and closed her bedroom door.

"I'm sorry, Daddy."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So, I was planning on this chapter being the resolution to the fight started in the first one. But this is shaping up to be a long fight. In this chapter, Jess admits something to Kayla she thinks will help her feel understood. Instead, it makes Kayla feel worse. The next chapter should be the resolution to this fight, but that will NOT be the end of the story. This story will span the better part of a year, so there will be a few angsty chapters like these.

Sam closed the door, his sadness to see his closest friend leaving dissipating and turning to anger. Pure, raw anger that in his clearer moments truly scared him.

Art had told him a week earlier he was taking the transfer to the Boston office. Sam had tried to be happy for him, but the lonely little boy in him that had never really had any friends couldn’t help it. He hated it. But they weren’t kids anymore, and he couldn’t blame Art for taking a better paying job.

What troubled him was Kayla. She had never liked Art, and refused to give a reason why. He and Jess had poked and prodded until one day Kayla exploded and had screamed it at him.

“I don’t know why I don’t trust him, I just don’t! Now, please stop asking and leave me alone!”

Sam, whose temper was quick and fiery but he didn’t want to admit it, had broken a house rule that he and Jess had set up years before. He was supposed to give Kayla a warning, then let her choose between accepting a consequence from him or Jess, then, on her third strike, it was completely up to him. But after weeks of Kayla’s worsening attitude, Sam hadn’t been able to hold in his frustration any longer, and he’d grabbed Kayla’s arm and spanked her hard for yelling at him. He’d immediately felt guilty, but a silently crying Kayla had run off to her room for the rest of the night, and they’d never discussed it again.

But, Sam reasoned, he had every right to expect Kayla to be polite to a houseguest. Art had asked if he could try to go talk to Kayla, and Sam had agreed as long as Art didn’t “expect any miracles”. He had hoped Kayla would take the chance he’d offered and apologize for her rude behavior, but apparently not. He’d gotten to Kayla’s room to check on them just as she’d pushed Art.

“Sam? Where are you going?” Jess asked.

“To talk to our kid.”

“Not before talking to me, you’re not.”

Sam stopped dead in the doorway. “You aren’t seriously suggesting that we just let this go.”

“I’m seriously suggesting you take a few minutes to calm down first before you go talk to her and say or do something you’ll regret.”

“I’m just going to talk to her.”   
“And tell her for the thousandth time how disappointed you are in her? Do you really think that’ll help anything right now?”

“I don’t really care if it helps or not…”

“Well, I do. And if you go in that room and fight with her, you’re sleeping on the couch until our grandchildren go to college. Understand?”

“Yes.” Sam answered with gritted teeth.

“Take a walk. I’ll go talk to her, and then if you calm down, you can talk to her. when you come back.”

“Fine.”

“Sam. I get that you’re upset about Art leaving. I understand that. But no matter how you feel about him, he is not our child. Kayla is. Remember that.”

Sam turned on his heels for the door. Once he left, Jess shook her head. Sam and Kayla were so much alike at times that neither of them could see it. When she’d said that to Dean, he’d laughed. You should have seen Sam and Dad growing up.

Jess believed it. As loving as John was to his family, he had always intimidated her, but when she’d mentioned that to Sam, he’d just smiled and said the same thing. You should have seen him when I was growing up. Jess finally made it to Kayla’s door, and wondered whether it was soft crying she heard coming from inside. She knocked, and after a moment the door was opened.

“Hi, mom.”

“Hey. Can I come in?”

“Sure.”   
Kayla stepped aside and let her mother inside. She tried not to feel hurt when her father didn’t come in behind Jess. She took her desk chair again as Jess leaned back. Neither spoke for a few seconds, until Kayla broke the silence.

“Where’s Daddy?”

“He’s taking a walk.” Jess said. “He’s pretty upset, Kay.”

“What else is new?” Kayla said, immediately regretting it when Jess let out a tired sigh. “Just forget it, Mom. I know I ruined Dad’s party.”

“If you know that, why did you do it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Kayla, you’re thirteen, not three. That’s not an acceptable reason, and you know it.”

Kayla threw up her hands in frustration. “Do you want me to make up a reason, Mom? I. Don’t. Know.”

Jess took a breath before responding. “Okay. Let’s think about it another way. What were you thinking when Art told us he was leaving?”

That I’m safe now, Kayla thought. “I’m glad he’s leaving.”

“Honey, I know you said you don’t want us to ask this anymore, but why don’t you like Art?”

“Mom, please not again…”

“There’s got to be some reason. Something. Please work with me on this."

Kayla groaned again in frustration. "Mom, am I not just allowed to not like somebody? Don't you ever just get a creepy feeling?"

"So there's nothing specific you don't like about him?"

"No!"

"Okay. Okay, I'll drop that part." Jess said. "I just worry about you, honey."

"I know, Mom. I know you do."

"But whatever you do feel about Art, honey, this was still important to your Dad. You can always talk to me about things. Always. But there's a time and a place for that."   
"I know."

"Your Dad din't have a lot of friends growing up, sweetie. Art's the first friend he's really had that was all his. Does that make sense?"

Kayla had heard that before, from both Sam and Jess. She wanted to rage again about Jess saying the same thing to her over and over, one of her pet peeves, but that never got her parents to back off. So, she sat quietly and only answered Jess' question.

"Yes. It makes sense."

"So please, if Art ever comes back, please be nice to him. Not for me, or for him, but for your Dad. Can you please do that for me?"

Kayla's head shot up. "He's coming back?"

"He might."

"Great. " Kayla said irritably, trying to hide her panic underneath what her father had dubbed her 'snotty attitude'. "That's just great."

"Mary, go to your room."

Kayla and Jess both jumped. Neither one had heard Sam and Mary come back home. Mary, mistaking her father's command for a punishment, immediately protested.

"I didn't do nothing! Why am I in trouble?"

"You're not. Kayla is. Mommy'll go with you."

"No, she won't. Sam..."

"It'll be fine, Mom." Kayla offered. "Don't fight with Dad because of me. Just go."

A reluctant Jess took Mary's hand. "Come on, baby. Let's start getting ready for bed." Mary left the room and Jess turned back around. "Both of you, please discuss this calmly and don't fight. Please."

"I won't if she won't." Sam answered, arms crossed over his chest and standing next to the door looking very tall and intimidating.

"I won't." Kayla answered.

Jess left Kayla's room, feeling nervous and worried about leaving Sam and Kayla alone. Every time Sam got angry with Kayla for her attitude, they ended up in some form of an argument. It had happened three times in the last four months. Kayla would snap at her or Sam or Mary, Sam would yell at her for it, Kayla would yell right back, and the cycle wouldn't stop until Jess made them go to their seperate corners or one of them wore themselves down.

"Really, Kayla?"

"Really what?"

"You're still pushing this." Sam said. "You're not sorry for what happened tonight at all, are you?"

"I'm sorry to you for ruining your party, yes. But I'm not sorry for telling Art to go away."

"You know what? Explain something to me. I get you don't like Art. I understand that. But think about this. I don't like a lot of your friends either, but I'm still nice to them when they're here."

For the first time that night, Kayla felt truly angry with Sam, and she sailed to her feet. "Is that a joke?"

"Is what a joke?"

"You really think you're nice to my friends? Have you noticed they haven't been here in a month?"

"Because of me?" Sam asked. "What do I have to do with that?"

"Every time I bring friends over, you nitpick them. You said Tayler was too loud and smelled like smoke, that Jana ate too much, and that Chloe was rude because she made a mess and didn't clean up after herself. Remember all that?"

"I didn't say that to them..."

"It doesn't matter. Talking about them behind their back is just as mean as if you said it to them. Being nice to their face and trashing them behind their back? You're acting just like the snotty popular girls at my school."

"This isn't about me..."

"Why? Why isn't it?" Kayla said. "I told you that I didn't like Art, and I asked you nicely not to let him babysit me. There's a big difference between me not telling Art I don't like him and you talking about my friends like that. Especially when you don't really know them."

"I just don't think they're the best influence on you..."

"Tayler lives with her grandparents, her parents, her aunt and uncle, and six brothers. Everyone except two of her brothers smoke. She has to be loud because if she's not loud at home, she doesn't get heard. Jana's in foster care because her dad beat the crap out of her and her mom told her it was her fault. She eats a lot when she can because she doesn't always know where her next meal is coming from. And Chloe's mom works ninety hours a week while Chloe has to take care of her little brother. She didn't clean up after herself while she was here because no one ever really taught her how or why she needed to do that. So maybe you should find out a little bit about them before you start criticizing them." Kayla felt like a wind up toy, her emotions causing her breath to come in short gasps. "What do you have to say about them now?"

Sam was stunned. He had no choice but to admit that Kayla was right, but it never occured to him how what he said sounded to her. A part of the anger still burned inside Sam, though. He could address any problems Kayla might have with him later. Right now, they were still talking about the party.

"We'll talk about that later, Kayla."

"Of course. I bring up a good point and we have to go back to what I did wrong." Kayla said. "Why don't you just go ahead and yell at me so I can go to bed?"

"Why don't we skip that part?" Sam said, voice rising steadily.

"Yeah, let's do it!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"Enough!" Jess had come back when she heard Sam and Kayla start shouting. "Sam, go to our room."

Sam stormed out, leaving behind and angry Kayla and a sad Jess. When he was gone, Jess turned back to Kayla, who was shaking now and fighting tears.

"Kay..."

"I tried, Mom. I swear I tried, but he was so mad..."

"I know, baby. I know." Jess said with a sigh. "Why don't you get ready for bed?"

"Please don't be mad at me too." Kayla said. "I won't say anything to Dad, just please don't be mad with me."

"I'm not mad, baby." Jess said. "I'm not mad. "

"Will you stay until I go to sleep?" Kayla asked, making her mother's mouth drop open in surprise. "Please?"

"Sure, honey. Go get your PJs on."

Kayla went to the bathroom to change into her pajamas, then came back into her room with Jess. Jess was silent, stroking her hair as Kayla started to drift off to sleep and thinking of what to say to Sam when she finally went to their room.

"Mom? Does Dad still like me?"

"He loves you, Kayla. You know that."

"I know he loves me. I want to know if he likes me. Likes me for who I am, and not just because he's my dad."

"Listen to me. You are a smart, funny kid who is the light of my life and your dad's. You're a growing teenager. Stubborn as hell sometimes..." Jess smiled when her admission made Kayla giggle, "but we wouldn't trade you afor anythign. Got it?"

"Got it. Thanks, Mom."

"Listen. I'm going to tell you something. I'm trusting you not to tell your father." Jess said. "I mean it. You tell your father, you'll have a hard time getting my trust back."

"What is it, Mom?" Kayla asked, intrigued to be trusted with a secret from her mother.

Jess sighed. "I didn't like Art either."

"What?"

"I known what you meant about having a weird feeling. I never really trusted Art either."

The family moment was over. Kayla knew that Jess was just trying to help her, but she couldn't help the thought that crossed her brain at that moment. Art's face made its way into Kayla's brain, and the familiar fear came back. It caused a lump in her throat, her hands to start shaking, and caused her to feel nauseous.

You could've stopped it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This chapter is the resolution to the fight about Art, but again, it IS NOT the end of the story. **

"Kay? Honey, are you okay? You look sick."

"You never trusted him?" Kayla asked. "Are you serious, Mom?"

"Kay…"

"You let him babysit us. You let him be around us every time Dad invited him over. You _knew _I didn't like him. But you felt the same way and you had no problem letting him get close to us."

"He babysat you maybe three times…"

"Seven, Mom. He babysat us _seven_ times." Kayla said. _Believe me, I know exactly how many times you left me alone with him._

Jess stuttered. "K…Kay, honey, I…"

"Go away, Mom. Just leave me alone." Kayla said, pulling back from her mother and leaning against the wall. She pulled her blanket up close to her, effectively blocking Jess out.

"Kayla…"

"Leave me alone." Kayla said. "You tell me I can talk to you about anything, but I guess it makes no difference."

"I'm sorry…"

"Just go, Mom."

Jess stood up and started to leave, before turning around and looking at Kayla once more. She went to her bedroom with her mind spinning, knowing she'd never sleep that night. The questions started again. Why was Kayla so easy to upset lately? What had happened to the sweet, tough little kid who would protect her mother from everything she could? Jess stopped by to check on Mary, who was already laying down asleep for the night. Jess felt another stab of guilt as she pulled a blanket on top of Mary. She and Sam had been giving so much attention to Kayla lately that Jess felt like she hadn't really seen Mary in days.

When Jess came back to the bedroom, she found a note on the bed from Sam. _I took another walk. Be back soon. _Jess sighed. She was grateful Sam had left. She didn't feel like arguing with him either. As she took a shower, Jess thought over what could possibly be happening with Kayla. She had seemed to be doing better that night while they were sitting on her bed. Then, when Jess had confessed she didn't really trust Art either, that was when Kayla's attitude had turned sour again.

A frightening thought occurred to Jess. Had Art done something to Kayla? Had he hurt her in some way?

Jess quickly dismissed that thought. Even though they struggled connecting in a meaningful way with Kayla, Jess was confident that Kayla knew she could tell her mother anything, good, bad, or ugly. If Kayla had been hurt, in any way, Jess decided, she would know.

Thinking it over, it made sense why Kayla would be angry. She'd made it very clear how she felt about Art. She knew that he was Sam's friend, and that Sam really liked him, but she had asked politely not to be left alone with him.

The problem came when Sam and Jess planned a night out. Kayla had been injured the first time she stayed home alone a few months earlier. She'd cut her fingers while making herself a snack. Though the injury hadn't been severe, only needing to be cleaned and bandaged, Kayla had been afraid to be alone ever since. When Sam and Jess wanted to go to a movie, or dinner, or just be alone for a little while, Art and Karen would offer to babysit free of charge. Art said it was good practice for when they had kids of their own.

Jess had been prepared to hire another babysitter for the night, but Sam instead had given Kayla a choice each time. Babysit Mary by herself for a few hours, and earn more allowance, or let Art babysit. The first time Jess protested, Sam explained his reasoning.

"I'm giving her the choice, Jess. She doesn't have to be with Art. If she really doesn't want to be alone, and she doesn't want to be with Art, she can stay in her room until we get back. But she's thirteen, Jess. She's plenty old enough to understand that Mom and Dad need some alone time sometimes."

Surprisingly, Kayla had agreed to let Art babysit, and never complained after that, so Jess thought everything had turned out okay. But it made sense. If Kayla thought her mom and dad weren't listening to her, maybe she thought they didn't care what she wanted, what she thought, or how she was feeling. If that was the case, Jess thought, why _wouldn't _she hate them?

On his walk, Sam was beginning to feel like the stupidest man on the entire face of the planet. He was always frustrated lately that she wouldn't talk to him more. Then, when she did try to communicate, he made the conversation all about him. Jess' words earlier in the night came back to haunt him. _No matter how you feel about him, he is not our child. Kayla is. Remember that._

As close as Sam felt to Art, it dimmed in comparison to how deeply his feelings ran for Kayla. He had lost friends before and as much as it hurt him, the thought of losing Kayla was too painful to even consider.

Sam took a seat on an old park bench and looked out. He'd brought Kayla here the first weekend they'd moved, just after her eleventh birthday. Kayla had fought the move with fierce pouts and silent tears on the drive up, but her face had lit up when he'd brought her to the park. There had been a playground where they'd lived in South Dakota, but it had been old and run down. This one was well cared for, painted in bright oranges and blues and greens and every other color possible. There was equipment for all the kids to play with, not just the little ones. There was a walking trail, on which Kayla would challenge her father to a "slow race," where you weren't allowed to run, or walk any faster than a random jogger on the trail.

Sam's heart panged at the memory. He remembered the last time he'd brought Kayla out here. She'd won against him in a slow race, and turned around and threw her arms in the air in victory before running to him and embracing him in a hug. He treasured the memory. But when he thought about how much time he'd spent lately angry at Kayla, fighting and arguing with her over things that didn't really matter, he felt ashamed.

The choice was a simple one, but Sam knew what he had to do. Showing Kayla she could trust him with things that bothered her was more important than keeping his friendship alive. Sam stood up and started to run home, hoping Kayla was still awake.

Inside her room, Kayla was biting and screaming into her pillow. She could barely breathe. The thought that her mother had shared her initial feelings about Art and did nothing about it was, to her at the moment, the ultimate betrayal.

_She didn't even care enough to keep him away from you. _

Kayla tried to stop herself crying, knowing that at some point every night both her parents came into her room to check on her. She had learned to keep pretending to be asleep, in order to avoid a conversation about why she was crying. She knew that if they came in any time soon, she wouldn't be able to avoid it.

_Your mother doesn't care._

"Shut up!" Kayla screamed into the pillow. "Leave me alone!"

Kayla spoke to herself to drive the ugly voice out of her head. Jess did care. Had she known what Art was capable of doing, truly capable of doing, she never would have allowed him to be around her or Mary. Kayla knew that if she told her parents the truth about what really happened, and _if_ they believed her, her mother would feel incredibly guilty. Jess still blamed herself for Kayla scalding her hand on a hot cup of coffee when Kayla was a baby. Kayla just wasn't willing to lay that feeling on her mother.

After what felt like hours, Kayla finally started to calm down. She heard her father come back home, and thought about meeting him in the hallway. But her face was still swollen from crying, and Kayla was sure that her voice was hoarse. Talking to her father would have brought unwanted questions.

Eventually, Kayla fell asleep. For once, she didn't have bad dreams, just slept so hard that she never even tossed and turned. What felt like three seconds later, Kayla was being shaken awake.

"Kay'a. Wake up."

"Wha…?"

"Daddy said it's time for breakfast. Wake up."

"Oh." Kayla checked her bedside clock and saw that it was after nine. "I'm coming."

"Kay'a? You okay? You look like you's cryin'."

Kayla swallowed. She'd been asleep for hours and still looked like she'd been crying. "I'm fine, Mary. Tell Mommy and Daddy I'm just washing my face. I'll be there in a minute."

"M'kay. Can I have your pancakes if you're not there in a minute?"

"No way, pipsqueak." Kayla laughed, throwing one of her pillows off her bed towards her sister.

"No fair! You bigger than me!"

"So get bigger. And go down to the kitchen. I'll be there."

"'Kay. Loves you Kay'a."

Kayla smiled. Mary was still young enough to think that 'I love you' could cure everything. What Kayla wouldn't give to be that young and innocent again. "I love you too."

"Bunches and bunches."

"Bunches and bunches." Kayla said. "Go on."

Kayla washed her face as quickly as possible, to avoid being alone in the bathroom. She didn't like what she saw there when she was. And if she was alone in there for too long, that voice in the back of her head would go into overdrive telling her how ugly she was. Though Kayla believed it, she didn't want to hear it. She made her way down to the kitchen, stopping in the hallway when she heard her family talking about her.

"Mary, if you're done, go ahead and get dressed, honey. Mommy and I need to talk to Kayla."

"Daddy, don't yell at her again. I think she might've been crying when I went to wake her up."

"Was she?" Sam asked.

"She said she won't, but her face was all red and puffy. Like when I fell off the stairs at school last week."

"I won't yell at her again." Sam promised. "I'm gonna try to make her feel better."

"Can I draw her a picture?"

"_If_ you can get dressed really, really fast." Jess answered.

"I do it!" Mary proclaimed, jumping down from her chair.

"No running in the house!" Jess called behind Mary, though Kayla could almost hear her mother shaking her head in amusement.

Mary nearly barreled into her sister, though she was so focused on her mission of going to get dressed quickly that she mumbled a barely audible "sorry!" and continued on her way. Kayla finally walked into the kitchen to find a rare sight. Her father waiting for her with a smile on his face.

"Hey, Bug!"

"Hi." Kayla said. "Why'd you let me sleep so late?"

"Well, it's Sunday, we don't have anywhere to go, and if you slept this late, you probably needed it." Sam answered. "Come on. Mom made your favorite."

Kayla's eyes floated to the table. "Cinnamon waffles!"

"Yep. Come on, eat up."

"Don't you have to leave soon?"

"Leave? For where?"

"To take Art to the airport."

Sam's smile immediately faded. "Um, no. I don't. I actually wanted to talk to you about that."

"Look, Daddy, I'm…"

"Don't apologize. It's my turn to do that." Sam said. "Mommy and I both want to do that, actually."

Kayla took her seat and kept her hands in her lap. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Mommy and I had a really long talk last night. I don't think either of us slept at all. She told me about what she asked you not to tell me. About Art."

"Oh." Kayla said quietly. "Mom, I'm sorry I got really mad at you last night. You didn't deserve that…"

"But you were right. You tried to tell me and your Daddy about something bothering you, and we really didn't listen to you. We're sorry for that."

Kayla nodded. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Sam said. This was much harder than he'd anticipated. Whether due to the lack of sleep or the charged emotion of the night before, he couldn't really tell. "Listen, Bug. I still don't understand entirely why you or Mommy didn't trust Art. But I get just having a bad feeling. That's called intuition, and it was wrong of me to try and convince you to ignore that. I don't want you to meet someone one day and ignore that feeling. So, last night was the last time I'll see or talk to Art."

"What?" Kayla asked, surprised. "Why?"

"Because your trust in me is a lot more important than staying friends with him. I don't want you to ever be afraid to tell me about something bothering you because you think I won't listen. So, like I said, that's it with Art."

"What about taking him to the airport?"

"I called him a cab this morning and paid for it. He should still get there in way more than enough time." Sam explained.

"I don't want you to get rid of a friend because of me. I don't want you to hate me for that."

"First, I couldn't hate you if I tried. Second, I can always make new friends. So don't worry about it, okay? It's already done."

"Thank you, Dad." Kayla said, and found she could breathe a little easier. Her mind went back to the fight from the night before. "I'll stop seeing my friends too if you want."

"No. You were right about that. I didn't know your friends very well, and it was wrong of me to talk about them like that. So I want you to invite them over again, and I promise I'll be nicer to them." Sam said. "And I'm proud of you for calling me out on that."

Kayla blushed. "I think you'll really like 'em."

"If they're friends with you, I'm sure I will." Sam said. "Now, I think I owe you a date night. What do you say?"

"I like that."

"I was thinking the park."

Kayla grinned. "Slow race?"

"Exactly what I was thinking."

"You're on." Kayla said with a yawn. "Dad?"

"Yeah."

"Since none of us really slept, can we take a nap first?"

Sam laughed. "Sounds like a brilliant plan."

Mary had come back to the kitchen to show off the outfit she picked out, but at the dreaded 'nap' word, she crossed her arms and pouted. "No nap!"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, in this chapter, things get a little rough and take a surprising turn. It's Jess's turn to lose it with Kayla.**

**Not every chapter will be about one parent or the other losing their temper with Kayla and apologizing, or vice versa. This is just how I picture Kayla's year at home being until she is sent away.**

"That's not fair, Dad!"

Sam, who was beyond tired after working long days for the last week and now dealing with a sick and nauseous Mary, drew in a breath and tried his best to be patient. All had been calm in the Winchester house for two weeks. Two full weeks of no arguing, no fighting, and a mostly pleasant Kayla. It had been quite nice, Sam thought, but now realized that it had been too good to be true. Sam put the bag with Mary's medicine and humidifier on the counter, and turned around to face Kayla.

"I don't know how many other ways to explain this, Kayla. You cannot have a sleepover this weekend because your sister is sick."

"It's Thursday. My sleepover is Saturday. How do you know she won't feel better by then?"

"Kayla, she doesn't have a cold. She has the flu. She will be sick, very sick, for at least a week."

"Why do I have to give up my sleepover just because the little brat is sick?" Kayla fumed.

"Because I said so!" Sam said, inwardly cringing at how much he sounded like his own father.

"That's not a reason! It's not my fault she got the flu."

"And it's hers?" Sam scoffed.

"I already have all the stuff for it. We've already planned what we want to do." Kayla said. "Dad, please don't make me cancel."

"I didn't say you had to cancel, Kayla. You have to postpone. You don't even have to wait until Mary's completely better. As soon as she's off bedrest, your friends can come over."

"That's two weeks!"

"Yes. It's two weeks. Now I have to give your sister her medicine and a bath so she can get to sleep. While I'm doing that, you need to call your friends and tell them the sleepover's off. Am I being clear here?"

"No." Kayla said defiantly. "No, I'm not doing it!"

A dark look came over Sam, one that almost made Kayla back down. She almost wished that Sam would yell at her. Instead, he grabbed the bag off the counter, took a seat at the kitchen table, and grabbed Kayla's arm and pulled her to him. He spoke very calmly and coolly.

"Listen to me. This is your warning. You will do exactly what I told you to do. You will do it now, and you will give me your phone after you call your friends. If you are nice and respectful to everyone in this house tonight, including your sister, you may have it back in the morning. If you don't do this, or you're mean to your sister or me or Mom, you'll be on strike two. This is the last time I will ask you. Am. I. Clear?"

"Yes, sir." Kayla said, gritting her teeth.

"You don't call your friends and tell them the sleepover's postponed, then I will cancel it and you will not have another one until the school year is over. Based on your report card, I should do that anyway. But I'm choosing to show you a little compassion, because I know I promised you you could have a sleepover. I hope you'll learn from that, and you'll show your sister a little compassion yourself. Got it?"

"Got it." Kayla said. "Let me go, please."

Sam released Kayla's arm and grabbed the bag from the drug store again. "I'm really disappointed in you right now. If you were the one sick, we'd have to pry Mary off of you."

Sam stood up and walked down towards Mary's room. Kayla went to her own bedroom and shut the door. She pulled out her cell phone and texted her friends.

_My dad's being a jerk about the sleepover. I have to postpone it. My sister has the flu._

Kayla considered deleting the text before sending it, knowing that Sam would likely read it when he took her phone away for the night. But his words from in the kitchen came back. _I'm really disappointed in you._ Kayla shook her head. More often than not, she disappointed her father rather than making him happy or proud. It was just a fact of life now. She sent the text and put the phone on her desk, then leaned back and tried to feel angry.

She tried to feel angry but she really wasn't. She'd known the second her parents woke her the night before that her sleepover was over. Kayla had tried to help in the emergency room, but had been virtually ignored by both Sam and Jess. Even when Mary was begging Kayla to hold her, Jess had refused to let her go. She'd let Kayla hold Mary's hand once, but when Mary sniffled and cried less than thirty seconds after that, Jess had scooped Mary up and almost suffocated her. When Kayla had protested, reminding Jess that it was Kayla Mary was asking for, she'd been relegated out to the main waiting room to wait more than four hours for her parents. Only when Mary had been released had she seen her sister or learned anything about what was wrong with her.

Through the exhaustion, Kayla thought about the previous night and that current day. She wasn't angry about the missed sleepover. She was angry because her sister was sick and her parents were shutting her out and not allowing her to help. She was just as worried about Mary as they were, but she was being treated as nothing more than the inconvenient other kid. So, Kayla reasoned, if her sister was sick and she wasn't allowed to help, she should be allowed to be with her friends. She'd tried to explain that to Sam when they went to the drugstore earlier, but of course all he heard was 'Kayla's trying to do what she wants'.

Kayla's bedroom door opened and her mother appeared. Jess had gone down to the grocery store to do the weekly shopping early so she could focus on Mary for the rest of the week. Kayla started to greet her mother, until she noticed the angry look on Jess's face.

"Tell me that what your father just told me is a lie."

"What did he say?"

"That you gave him a fight over still having your sleepover this weekend."

"It's not fair, Mom…"

"NO!" Jess said with a raised voice. She wasn't quite yelling yet, but she was close. Jess slammed shut Kayla's bedroom door, making Kayla jump in her desk chair and try to scramble for the wall.

"Mom…"

"Do you want to know what's not fair? Your sister woke up with a 105 degree fever last night. She could've died, Kayla! She could've died, and you want to fight me and your father over a stupid sleepover!? What the hell are you thinking? How could you be so selfish?"

"I'm not selfish." Kayla said, hurt by the accusation, especially by the fact that it was coming from her mother.

"You're not? Really? You could've fooled me."

"I tried to help you."

"What?"

"Last night. At the hospital. I tried to help you. Mary was crying for me, and I was trying to hold her and make her feel better. But you weren't happy unless it was you doing it, so you banished me out into the waiting room."

"I sent you into the waiting room because you were arguing with me…"

"I was trying to make Mary feel better." Kayla repeated. "Then you left me out in the waiting room for hours worried about her while you guys got to be there for her."

"I don't believe this. You are actually trying to make me feel bad for taking care of Mary last night."

"No, I'm not. But if you're not gonna let me help take care of Mary, then I should be able to be with my friends."

"You selfish little…"

"Stop calling me selfish! It's not my fault Mary got sick, and it's not my fault you and Dad are treating me like a stupid little kid right now."

"Give me your phone." Jess said, holding her hand out.

"It's right there on the desk."

"Kayla, I said give it to me. Put it in my hand." Jess said. "You've got three seconds before you're on strike two."

"No."

The three seconds that followed would forever haunt Jess. She heard the crack before she realized what she'd done. Kayla held a hand to her cheek and was breathing hard, staring at her mother with big, wet eyes that betrayed every emotion she'd felt over the last few months.

"Mommy?" A sick Mary stood in the doorway with a stunned Sam. Mary let out a rough cough before asking, "Why'd you hit her?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Jess? What happened?"

"I…I…"

"Kay, Mary wants to sleep in your room. Is that okay?"

Kayla, who still had a hand on her cheek, nodded and beckoned Mary inside with her free hand. Mary walked as fast as she could to her sister, who finally took her hand away from her cheek to embrace her little sister. Who was comforting who exactly was hard to tell, but once Mary was with Kayla, he gently grabbed Jess' arm.

"Come on."

"Sam, I…"

"Jess. You can't fix this right now. Come on. They're okay for now."

Jess left the room with Sam, and Sam could feel her shaking. They went to their bedroom, and Sam sat down on the bed waiting for Jess to explain herself. Instead, Jess chose to pace around the room.

"Jess, what happened?"

"I don't know. I just…"

"JESS!" Sam spoke sharply, but not unkindly. He'd seen this before. Jess would get angry, say or do something she regretted, then lose herself in a loop of self-pity and regret. Jess stopped pacing and sat down beside him on the bed. "Now what happened?"

"We were arguing. I went in her room after you told me what happened and yelled at her. I told her to give me her phone and she wouldn't."

"She told you she wouldn't?"

"Well, no. It was right beside me on her desk. I told her to get up and give it to me, and that's when she said no."

"Okay. Is there anything else I need to know?"

"She's upset we sent her to the waiting room last night. She wants to help with Mary but she feels like we won't let her." Jess explained. "She thought if she wasn't allowed to help with Mary, she should at least still be able to be with her friends."

"She was with me all day. Why didn't she say something about that?"

"I don't know." Jess said. "God, Sam, what did I do?"

"Hey. Stop. You made a mistake. I'm not gonna lie and tell you that it's okay. It's not. And Kayla shouldn't have been such a brat with you _or_ me today. It's never okay for her to do that, but it definitely wasn't the time or place for it today. We all have to calm down, and we'll work this out. Okay?"

"She was so scared of me." Jess said mournfully. "It was just like when she ran away after Mom died."

Sam remembered the day well. Kayla and Mary had been in the car accident that killed Jess's mother Leslie four years earlier. Mary hadn't even been two at the time, and Leslie was unconscious, so ten-year-old Kayla had been the only one who could call 911 and try to get help for the three of them. She'd felt a profound sense of guilt at not being able to save her grandmother's live, and Sam suspected she still felt that way at times, despite Sam's assurances she was in no way responsible. Though Jess seemed to be strong for the first couple of weeks after her mother's death, she slowly started to become irritable and easily frustrated with both kids. Things came to a climax when Jess found Mary in the bathtub by herself one day. Kayla had been trying to give her a bath, and left the baby alone in the tub when she forgot a bath towel. It was an honest mistake, one where Kayla was just trying to help her overwhelmed mother, but Jess had confronted Kayla about it and, in a fit of anger, suggested that Kayla was responsible for Leslie's death.

"Stay in here. I'm going to talk to Kayla."

"If she doesn't want to talk to me right now, don't try to force her." Jess said. "And I told her she was on strike two. Tell her she's not anymore."

"Jess…"

"I'm not gonna punish her for something, Sam, when what I did to her was just as bad." Jess said.

"Okay. Okay, fine. I'll tell her." Sam didn't fully agree with Jess's reasoning, but it wouldn't do any good to argue with her about it. "I'll be back."

Once Sam and Jess were gone, Kayla tried to stop herself from crying. She didn't want to scare Mary, but she couldn't help it. Surprisingly to Kayla, Mary didn't seem scared. She instead put a hand to her sister's cheek and stroked it. Kayla could feel Mary's fever through her hand, and tried to calm herself down.

"Mommy shouldn't have hit you. That was really mean."

Kayla sniffed. "I was mean to her first."

"That doesn't matter. You not supposed to hit people. You supposed to talk to them and be nice."

Kayla smiled. "Who taught you all that, huh?"

"You did." Mary said.

"Hey, Mary? If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?"

"Yeah."

Kayla thought about changing the question, but decided not to. It had been on her mind for months, but she'd never found the right moment. _Good a time as any_, Kayla decided. "Has anyone ever hurt you?"

"What you mean?"

"Has anyone ever hurt you? In any kind of way?"

"Billy Peters pushed me at preschool last week."

"What'd you do when he pushed you?" Kayla asked.

"Pushed him back and called him a big buttface."

Kayla's crying changed to snorting laughter. "You called him a what?"

Mary, who couldn't resist making her sister laugh, said it again, this time with much more gusto than before. "Buttface!"

Kayla was nearly weeping with laughter before long. Mary kept saying 'Buttface', and every time she did, Kayla would snort and wheeze until she finally made Mary stop because she was short of breath. She caught her breath and repeated her question.

"Has anyone ever hurt you? Not like Billy Peters, but hurt you so bad you couldn't fight back?"

"No." Mary said.

"You're sure? Never?"

"I'm sure. Why?"

"Just checking." Kayla said. "Listen, promise me this. If anyone ever does hurt you, and they tell you not to tell anyone, I want you to promise you'll tell me."

"Okay."

"Even if they tell you I won't believe you? Or that they'll hurt me or Mommy or Daddy if you tell? Because I will believe you. Always. Remember that, okay?" Kayla said. "Promise me, Mary."

"I promise." Mary said. "Kayla? Did someone hurt you?"

Kayla swallowed, and started to lie, when a knock at her bedroom door caught her attention. Sam opened her door and came inside, taking a seat next to the two girls on the bed.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

Kayla nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Are you sure?" Sam reached over to examine Kayla's cheek, but she pulled away from him. Sam frowned and explained, "I just need to look. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Does it still hurt?"

"No, sir." Kayla said.

"Good. It doesn't look like Mom left a mark." Sam sighed. "I already heard Mom's side. What's yours? What happened?"

"I was being a brat."

"About the sleepover?"

"Kind of." Kayla said. "Mom came in and started yelling at me about it and we got into a fight. She called me selfish and I just got really…"

"Mad?"

"No. Hurt."

"About the hospital?" Sam asked. "Sending you to the waiting room?"

"Yes, sir."

"She said you told her that since we wouldn't let you help with Mary you think you should still be able to see your friends. Is that about right?"

Kayla had always hated it when her father would tell her to watch her 'tone'. She found it annoying, and she'd told him so. How was she supposed to watch the way she talked? It was too much work. If she was irritated, or upset, or angry, and he heard it in her voice, well, then, she had every right to feel that way. Her emotions were her own. He'd not done it too often, usually only when he was tired himself, but he hadn't said it to her in a while. But she could hear something in her father's voice. She knew he didn't think she was stupid, but his _tone_ was dripping with it. _Stupid kid. _It made her skin bristle, and she pulled away from him slightly. That now old, familiar voice in the back of her head made its appearance again, and since Sam was in the room with her, she couldn't tell it to shut up.

_Why are you so surprised he thinks you're stupid?_

"Kayla? Answer me. Is that what you told her?"

"Yes, sir."

A weary Sam ran a hand through his hair and laughed derisively. "You're still thinking about yourself. Do you know what we went through with Mary last night?"

Kayla, who'd thought Sam had tried to come help mend fences between her and Jess, immediately put her entire guard up. It never completely came down, but she would occasionally allow it to come down partially so she could relax at home and not explode. _Forget that now,_ she thought.

"No. That's my whole point. I don't know what you went through with Mary because you kicked me out for no reason."

"It's because I was jealous."

All the conversation in the room stopped. Jess had followed Sam and had been listening at the door. When Kayla looked up, she saw her mother standing there, crying more than Kayla had earlier.

"What?" she asked.

Jess walked in, wiping her face, and took Kayla's desk chair to join them at the side of Kayla's bed. "I was jealous."

"Don't be mean to her again, Mommy." a protective Mary tried to say, though the force of her command was seriously undercut by the nasty cough she let out.

"I won't be mean to her again. I promise."

"You really hurted her." Mary said.

Jess swallowed. "I know."

"Is you sorry?"

"I'm very sorry, baby. I just want to talk to her."

Mary looked back to her sister. "You wants to talk to Mommy?"

"I will. Thanks for sticking up for me." Kayla said. She turned back to Jess and asked, "You were jealous of me?"

"Yeah. I was jealous that Mary wanted you and not me. That's the real reason I sent you out to the waiting room."

"I was just trying to help." Kayla said. "You and Dad were busy with the doctors and stuff."

"I know, honey. I know you were. And I hate myself for feeling this way, but I remember when you were little and you always wanted Mommy or Grandma. I really miss those days sometimes."

"I'm not trying to take her away from you."

"I know, honey. I know you're not. And I want you to know something. I couldn't take care of Mary without you. I'm sorry I sent you out of the room last night. That was wrong of me. Not just because it hurt you, but because it hurt Mary too. And I'm so sorry for that."

"I'm sorry I made you so mad, Mom. I don't really care about my sleepover."

"Yes, you do, and that's okay. You're thirteen. You're supposed to care about friends and boys and being a kid. And I know how much that sleepover meant to you. I'm sorry that we can't do it right now."

"I understand, Mom."

"And I am so sorry about hitting you. That was so wrong. And I swear to you, that will never happen again. I wouldn't blame you if did, but I really hope you don't hate me for it."

"I don't hate you." Kayla said, as she was thinking _trust me, I've been through a lot worse than that_. "I don't."

"I love you, Bug."

"Love you too, Mom."

Kayla's own internal dialogue turned on. _Hug her. Make her feel better._ She was apprehensive, but she crawled off the bed and over to her mother and carefully put her arms around Jess' neck. Jess exhaled hard and held Kayla tightly. Kayla tried not to panic, but her heart started to feel like it was racing. _She's not Art. She's not Art, _Kayla kept thinking to herself. With a forced relaxed tone of voice, Kayla gently pushed away from her mother.

"Mom, you're squishing me."

"Sorry." Jess said.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. Now that that's out of the way…"

"One question." Kayla said. "Am I still on strike two?"

"Nope." Jess said. "I was wrong here too. And I promise we'll do your sleepover as soon as Mary's better."

"Deal."

"Mary. Bedtime."

"I sleep wif Kay'a." Mary said with a yawn.

"As long as you both sleep, and it's alright with her."

"It's okay." Kayla said.

"Alright, my girls. Sleep tight. I love you."

"I love you too, girls. Good night."

After her parents left, Kayla turned to Mary and said, "Thank you, Mary."

"For what?"

"Trying to protect me. I feel bad. I'm your big sister, that's supposed to be my job."

"I keep you safe, you hold me, make me feel better." Mary said. She let out a giant yawn and settled down onto Kayla's bed.

"You got a deal." Kayla said. "Love you bunches."

"Love you too."

Kayla laid down and wrapped an arm around Mary. She wondered why she felt comfortable hugging Mary, why they made her feel safe, but hugs from anyone else left her feeling vulnerable, exposed. She decided not to worry about it, and fell asleep with a rare feeling of peace.

**Next chapter: Kayla has her sleepover, and during a game of truth or dare, admits to her friends that she's had sex. A rumor spreads around school.**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry it's taken so much longer than normal for this chapter, guys. Before I left for vacation with my mom on Friday, I got stung by a wasp, not just once, but twice. I didn't know I was allergic to wasp stings, and I've been sick because of it this week.

I also decided not to write the chapter about Kayla's sleepover that I mentioned in the last chapter. I just couldn't make it work. In this chapter, it's Christmas Eve, and Kayla has gotten worse. Sam can't sleep, and he starts looking through some old photos, thinking about Kayla and what could possibly be going on with her. He goes to check on her and wonders again why she's hurting so much. There's no action in this chapter, just Sam reflecting on the last few weeks with Kayla and hoping that things will get better.

Sam laid in bed, a book folded open on his lap. This in and of itself was not an unusual sight. Sam was a voracious reader, a habit he'd picked up while trying to escape his, to put it mildly, "bumpy" childhood. He considered it a personal victory that he'd passed on his love of reading to his children. Kayla had been reading at least one grade level ahead since starting kindergarten, and though Mary wasn't yet in school, Sam predicted she'd be on a similar level by the time she started school the following fall.

The book Sam had in front of him was a scrapbook, a habit of his that surprised most people. Sam had never grown up with many photos of his family, and it was, according to Jess, the only thing he "hoarded". The photos had been stored in a box with no organization to them, until Jess had given him an ultimatum.

"Make them into scrapbooks or else."

Sam had never found out what exactly "or else" was, because it had become his pet project the summer they'd moved into the house. Each book had a them-Sam and Jess dating, school pictures of the two girls, Jess by herself and pictures of her pregnant (which Jess absolutely hated), and so on. There were ten such books, and Sam enjoyed going through each one.

The book he had in front of him now was the Christmas book. It started with his and Jess' first Christmas together, the Christmas before the second semester of their junior year at Stanford. The following Valentine's Day, Sam had proposed, and they'd gotten married the night they both graduated.

Sam flipped a few pages and found what he was looking for. Kayla's first Christmas. She was four months old at the time, and thoroughly unimpressed with the happenings. Dressed in a white baby dress, gold shoes, and a ridiculously adorable red sweater, Kayla had picked the exact moment the camera flash went off to yawn and nestle back into her father's arms for a nap.

Another page later, Sam found what he called Kayla's "real" first Christmas. Sam was in the floor with her. Dean and his father John were on either side of Sam. Kayla would look at John, who would make a funny face, then at Dean, who would make another, and finally at Sam, who would make her whole body shake and make Kayla topple over with laughter.

The memory was a happy one, but it caused Sam's heart to break as he thought of it. Now Kayla was in a deep depression. She spent hours at a time alone in her room. Sam had found the door locked several times, and had tried, tried so incredibly hard to be patient about it. He'd explained to Kayla that she couldn't lock her door because it was a fire hazard. If she wanted privacy, she could put a politely worded note on her door asking everyone to knock and wait for an invitation inside. Kayla had fought him on it, and of course lost. But after catching her with a locked door four times in two weeks, Sam had finally put Kayla on strike two.

Kayla had chosen him to lay down her consequence, and Sam knew what she was expecting. He'd felt so proud at the look of shock on Kayla's face when he announced she wasn't getting the spanking she thought she was, or having to write lines as he defaulted to more and more the older Kayla got. Instead, she was losing her bedroom door for two days and was getting it back without the ability to lock it. At first, Sam had thought himself a genius. Kayla clearly wasn't happy with the verdict, and had tried appealing to Jess to convince Sam to change hsi mind. When Jess wouldn't give in, Sam had been pleasantly surprised. Kayla, realizing the fight was futile, gave up and brought her homework out to the kitchen while her father took her door off.

An unpleasant surprise came later that night. Sam had gone to check on the girls in the middle of the night and found Kayla's bed empty. He'd panicked at first, until he found Kayla sleeping in Mary's bed. While checking on both of them, Sam had noticed that Kayla had fallen asleep crying. The next day, rather than ask Kayla about what was going on, Sam decided to see what Mary knew about it. It took some coaxing, but eventually Mary came clean.

"She sleeps in my room a lot. She'll get up before you and Mommy and go back to her bed so you won't know she was in there with me. She cries a lot too."

"What does she cry about?" Sam asked.

"She won't tell me. If I ask her more than one time she goes back to her room." Mary said. "If she's sad, I'd rather her stay with me than be all by herself, so I don't want to keep asking. Is that wrong?"

"No, baby. You're doing good."

Sam had tried talking to Kayla the next day, but as usual, he was brushed off. Kayla told him she was fine, got frustrated when Sam didn't believe her, and shut down again. Sam, in an attempt to get her to talk, agreed to put her door back up a day early if she promised not to lock it again. Kayla, shocked by the impossibility of her father backing down on a punishment he assigned, immediately agreed.

Sam kept flipping through the scrapbook, running across more happy, smiling photos of Kayla. The sight of them produced a yearning in Sam that was actually painful enough to force him to put the scrapbook down and get off the bed. He checked on Mary first. She was sleeping soundly, lightly snoring in her bed with one foot hanging out from underneath her blanket. Her slightly too big for her Christmas pajamas matched perfectly with the Christmas tree comforter Jess had found for her at a garage sale a few weeks earlier. Sam leaned down and kissed Mary's cheek, being careful not to wake her up too early.

Sam next went to Kayla's room. He tested the knob and was relieved that Kayla had not put anything in front of it to barricade her inside. She'd done that once after he'd put her door back, and instead of talking ot her about it, he'd gotten Jess to do it and hadn't heard anything about it since. Sam had planned, after thatt, to try and get Kayla into counseling, but had held off until after the holidays.

Kayla was sleeping, curled up into a tight ball in the corner of her bed. She was hugging a teddy bear that her grandmother had given her at age five. Sam had never seen her use it so much. The bear, nickknamed Jackie, had before sat on the edge of Kayla's desk, holding a picture of Kayla and her grandmother Leslie. Now, it slept in the bed with her every night. Sam walked over, praying he didn't wake Kayla. He wrapped her back up, then held his breath when she whined and kicked the blanket off of her. Sam filed that reaction in the back of his mind for later consideration, then checked the clock on Kayla's wall. It was midnight. Christmas day.

"I wish you'd tell me what's hurting you, Bug." Sam whispered. "Daddy loves you no matter what. Please just talk to me. Help me understand."

Unbeknownst to Sam, Kayla was wide awake, only pretending to be asleep for his benefit. She'd heard him walking around in the hallway, and figured out he was headed to her room next. She'd braced herself by setting a reminder in her brain to play over and over. It's Dad. He won't hurt you. Don't flinch, don't cry, don't jump up and yell at him for scaring you. Kayla had learned that controlling her emotions and her reactions to things was a lot easier than dealing with a thousand questioins that resulted when she freaked out over something minor.

I wish I could tell you, Dad. If it wouldn't hurt you as much as it does me, I'd tell you. I'm sorry.

"Merry Christmas, Bug."

Kayla felt Sam lean over and kiss her cheek. Her whole body tensed when he did that, and she was grateful when he turned to leave. When she heard Sam close her door, she opened her eyes and sat up, knowing for certain she wouldn't be getting any sleep that night.

"Merry Christmas, Dad."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: For those that read my other Kayla stories, this chapter might look familiar. Very familiar, in fact. It’s a scene from one of my favorite stories ever, The Ghost of Christmas Now, where Sam is offered the gift of going back in time to better understand why Kayla went practically overnight from a normal teen to one who was going through drastic mood swings, suffering from nightmares, and clearly dealing with something beyond their comprehension. This is the expanded version of that scene, only Sam doesn’t know in this one what happened to her. I’m the first to admit that Sam is a little OOC in this chapter. He comes home after a very stressful day at work. Jess is out of the house for a little while, leaving a grounded Kayla to babysit Mary until Sam gets home. His stress from work combined with the stress of what’s going on with Kayla causes him to snap at her and unknowingly make Kayla’s own internal dialogue worse. **

Not for the first time, Sam considered himself a complete idiot. He’d made up his mind three days earlier to do it, but Kayla had picked exactly that week to start listening to him.

Christmas had passed a month earlier. Kayla, in a surprise for both her mother and father, had been happy and cheerful. Sam had a suspicion it was faked for Mary’s benefit, but he didn’t say anything. Once Christmas was over, Sam had again looked into sending Kayla to a counselor.

Before he could do that, Kayla’s attitude had turned sour again. After days of her snapping at him, her mother, and her sister, Sam had finally had enough. He’d told her that one more instance of disrespect, towards anyone, would mean automatic strike two. It had only taken a few more hours for her to do just that. To Sam’s surprise, she let her mom set her consequence. Jess grounded her until she had a drastic change of attitude, and made her write a one page essay on why she should treat everyone with respect. She was on the third day of her grounding, and surprisingly, it seemed to be making a difference.

When Sam walked into the house that day, he was in a sour mood. Jess had gotten a part time job as a dog walker, since, as she claimed, Kayla was “old enough to stay home with Mary for an hour while I get out of the house to do something productive”. She also hoped, though Sam was skeptical about it, that having additional responsibility might help whatever was bothering Kayla. She had vetoed the counselling idea, pointing out that it wouldn’t help if Kayla wouldn’t go willingly.

The first thing Sam heard when he walked inside was the sound of Mary giggling. He walked down the hall and into Mary’s room at first, curious what had her laughing so hard. _I could use a little of that myself, _he thought. He’d been dealt a major blow on a big case at work, and he was now in real danger of losing it. Sam had lost cases before, but none as big as this one. He didn’t want to think about what might happen if he did lose it. Mary wasn’t in her room, and Sam heard her laugh again. She was in Kayla’s room.

Sam had known that Mary would end up in Kayla’s room as soon as Jess texted and told him she was going to walk the dogs. But he had made it clear to Mary that Kayla was in trouble, and she was not allowed to play, so while Mary could visit and talk to her sister, she wasn’t allowed to be in Kayla’s room too long. He knew it was borderline cruel to keep the two girls apart, but he was determined to stop Kayla’s behavior, no matter what might be fueling it. It often amazed him the way that Kayla and Mary’s relationship reflected his and Dean’s, but in reverse. Kayla was the sensitive and creative yet tough sister, and Mary was the rational and protective yet deeply emotional sister. As he approached Kayla’s room, he knew that what he was about to do was likely to make Mary unhappy and maybe even cause a fight with Jess, but he didn’t care. He found Mary on Kayla’s bed, giggling as Kayla reached over to try and tickle her.

“Mary, leave your sister alone.”

Kayla frowned and panicked a bit. _Please don’t take her away from me, Daddy. _She grabbed Mary and squeezed her tight, making her giggle again. “She's not bothering me.”

“You're supposed to be writing that essay for your mom.”

“It's right there on my desk.” Kayla pointed.

Sam walked to Kayla's desk, glanced at the essay, and shook his head. “Do it again. You can do better than this.”

“Mommy said one page.”

“And I'm telling you more.” Sam snapped impatiently. “You've been way off acceptable behavior this week, little girl.”

“Don't call me that.” Kayla fumed.

“Then stop acting like it and start taking responsibility for your own actions.”

“Why don't you let Mommy decide if it's good enough or not, since it's her punishment?”

“Because she isn't the only one you've been rude to lately.” Sam said.

Kayla’s shoulder sagged. She’d worked hard on that essay for her mother, and Sam was just assuming that she’d written something down and then let it go. But she hadn’t. She’d written eight different drafts of the essay the night before, before finally falling asleep at her desk for a half hour before she got up and went to school. Kayla knew she’d been way over the line lately. She couldn’t help it. Her sleep problems were getting worse because her nightmares were getting worse. She knew that she _could _tell her parents she was having nightmares, but she didn’t want to keep lying to them and come up with a fib about why she was having nightmares. It was hard enough work to keep herself sane by pretending everything was normal. Kayla was too tired to really argue with her father at the moment, so she sighed and gave up.

“Fine. I'll do it over again.”

“Do it as many times as it takes for you to drop the attitude. I'm sick of it, Kayla.”

Kayla was agreeing to what he wanted her to do, and he _still _wanted to yell at her? Her fight suddenly came back to her. “Why did you even come in here? What, you heard me and Mary happy so you decided to break it up?”

“Enough. Mary, let’s go.”

“No. I want to stay with Kayla.” Mary said, grabbing Kayla’s arm.

“Mary, now.”

“Please, Daddy?” Mary said. “Kayla needs me.”

“It’s okay, Mary.” Kayla said. “Go with Daddy.”

“No. Daddy’s being mean to you for no reason. You’re my sister and no one can keep me away from you.”

“That’s right.” Kayla said. “I promise, no matter what, I’m always your sister. But go with Daddy right now. He’s right. I have been…bad lately. Go on and go with Daddy, and if he’ll let me later, I’ll read you a story.”

“Okay. Are you still sad?”

Kayla swallowed, and Sam’s mind suddenly turned. What did Mary mean by Kayla being sad?

“No, I’m not.” Kayla said. “Thank you for helping me.”

“You welcome. I loves you sissy.” Mary said. She climbed onto her knees to hug Kayla around the neck. “Loves you bunches and bunches.”

“I know you do.” Kayla said. “Thank you, baby. And I love you too. Bunches and bunches. Go on. Go.”

“M’Kay.” Mary turned and glared at her father. “Why won’t you tell Kayla you love her?”

The question stung Sam. “What?”

“That’s why she’s so sad. ‘Cause she doesn’t think you love her anymore and you won’t tell her.” Mary said. “Why are you being so mean to her?”

“Mary, stop.” Kayla said. “I appreciate you trying, but Daddy’s right. You should go play with him.”

“I’m going to my room to play by myself.” Mary said. “I’m not playing with Daddy again until he’s nice to you.”

Mary stomped out of the room back toward hers, leaving behind a stunned Sam and a hurting Kayla. Kayla crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her feet, that nasty, ugly voice she was so used to by now playing in her head.

_It’s your fault for being happy for a minute._

“Kay? Is that true?” Sam asked cautiously.

“Is what true?”

“That you’re sad because I haven’t said ‘I love you’.” Sam said. “Is it?”

“Mary exaggerates stuff.” Kayla said.

“Honey, I do love you. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

“Please talk to me.”

“I’ve got an essay to do.” Kayla said. “Apparently mine’s not good enough.”

“Why don’t we go out for ice cream?” Sam suggested. He was desperate for something, anything to break the rut that the two of them were in.

Kayla pulled herself off the bed and headed to the desk. “No thanks.”

“Sweetie, are you mad at me?” Sam asked. “Is that what this is about?”

“Please just leave me alone.” Kayla said, balling her essay up and throwing it into her trash can. It landed on top of the seven other drafts she’d written the night before. “I’ve got work to do.”

“I’ll send Mary back in here.” Sam said. “I’m sorry, Kay. You’re right, I should’ve left you alone.”

“I wasn’t breaking my grounding. Mom never said I couldn’t see Mary.” Kayla said bitterly. “I didn’t realize part of my punishment was solitary confinement.”   


A frustrated Sam was ready to give up. “I’m trying to apologize.”

“Well, like you tell me all the time, sorry isn’t enough. Now please leave me alone.”

The guilt was ready to crush Sam. He watched Kayla sit at her desk and pull out her notebook, then turned and left. He thought about going to check on Mary, then remembered that she wasn’t talking to him either. He walked to his own room, all thoughts of the case from work fleeing his mind. He’d completely screwed up his chance to make this better between him and Kayla. He knew that he and Jess were headed for a fight that night. He already knew work was going to be more stressful than normal, and even Mary was ignoring him at the moment. Sam wasn’t a person who reacted violently when he was frustrated, but today his bedroom wall bore the brunt of it.

As soon as Kayla heard Sam punch the wall in his own room, she walked to her door and closed it. She wanted to slam it, but didn’t want to risk Sam coming in and lecturing her again. When the door was shut, Kayla slunk to the floor next to her bed. She was too tired to cry. Her heart was throbbing again, and that ugly voice was taunting her.

_You’re no good for anyone. _

_Not even Mary. _  
  


_You don’t deserve this family. _

The thoughts were too true for Kayla to block them anymore. She’d done exactly what Sam wanted her to. She’d done what her mother asked. But when Jess had left earlier, she’d rushed inside Kayla’s room and told her she was leaving to walk the dogs and would be back in two hours, and told her to watch Mary when she got off the school bus. Kayla had tried to show Jess her essay, hoping it would bring a smile to her mom’s face for once, but Jess had told her ‘not now’ and rushed out the door.

Leaving Kayla all alone.

It still terrified Kayla to be alone. She needed someone she trusted close enough to hear her. She wanted to know that if something bad happened, they were close enough to help. The first time that Art had hurt Kayla, her parents had left her alone in the house for an hour while they went to the grocery store. Art had forced his way into the house, did what he did, and left. When Sam and Jess returned later, Kayla was still crying, hurt and confused and scared and alone, and she’d improvised. She’d grabbed two pieces of bread, the jar of peanut butter off the counter, and a sharp kitchen knife, sliced two of her fingers with it, and continued crying. Kayla had used the excuse for a few months that she was afraid of being hurt at home alone, but she knew it was getting to be thin. Especially when the only time her parents left her home alone now was when they really needed her to babysit Mary for a few minutes.

Mary had gotten off the school bus ten minutes later, but those ten minutes were full of anxiety and fear for Kayla. She jumped at every minor sound, and by the time the front door opened and Mary announced “I’m home!” Kayla was shaking and sick to the stomach. Mary found her sister crying on the bed, and after checking to make sure Kayla wasn’t hurt, she’d demanded hugs and tickles from Kayla until Kayla was laughing herself. Then Sam came home.

Kayla took a deep, painful breath. Mary’s visit had lifted her spirits, but inside she still felt empty. There was no more anger there, no more guilt, just nothing. Nothing but a deep, lonely emptiness. She was too tired to cry, so she stood up and walked to her desk to rewrite her essay again.

**Coming up (planned, not certain): -Jess comes home and finds out about Sam’s confrontation with Kayla. **

**-Desperate to find out what’s going on with Kayla, Sam snoops through Kayla’s room and reads a secret journal she’s been keeping. This is not the journal from the first story, the one he finds that specifically spells out what happened with Art. **

**-Kayla flips out about Sam reading her journal and refuses to talk to him, so Sam asks Dean to intervene. **

**-Kayla’s grades hit an all time low, and she fails the eighth grade. After another fight with her father, she sneaks out to a party. **


	8. Chapter 8

Jess walked into the house to find it entirely too quiet for her liking. She had been in a hurry earlier, and left the house to try and make it to her job on time. She’d made it, but the thing she liked best about dog walking became the thing she hated the most that day. It gave her time to think, without the distraction of one or both kids hanging around. But the only thing she _could _think about that day was Kayla.

Jess knew that Kayla was still apprehensive about being left alone. But Sam had said he was only half an hour away from coming home, and she knew Mary was due to be home fifteen minutes after she left. Fifteen minutes wasn’t too much to ask, was it? Possibly not even that much, Jess had told herself as she left. But, deep down, she knew it was.

She’d seen the look of fear flash in Kayla’s eyes when Jess told her she was leaving. She’d seen the doubt when Jess promised her, swore to her, twice, that she would only be by herself for fifteen minutes. She was supposed to stay in her room anyway, so all she had to do was sit at her desk and on her bed and wait for Mary. Jess had tried to tell herself that it wasn’t fear she saw, but maybe anger. Anger that Jess wouldn’t read the essay she’d written the night before. Kayla was angry at the drop of a hat these days. Trying to soothe a little of that anger, Jess promised to read the essay when she got home and talk about letting Kayla off her grounding.

But she knew it was fear. Kayla was scared of something. What it was, Jess couldn’t tell, but she’d left Kayla alone when she was afraid. Out of guilt, before coming home, she’d stopped and bought a gallon of Kayla’s favorite ice cream, one that she’d fallen in love with as a baby when her grandma Leslie had fed it to her. No one else in the house liked it, so Jess usually bought Kayla a pint of it while the rest of the family ate whatever else was there at the time. Jess put the ice cream in the freezer then walked down the hall.

Mary was in her room, playing on the floor with some blocks. Jess knocked lightly on the door, and Mary stopped what she was doing. “Hi, Mommy!”

“Hey. How was school?”

“Good.” Mary got up and walked to her mother for a hug. “But I don’t think Kayla’s had a good day.”

“What? Why?” Jess asked. “What happened?”

Mary pulled away from Jess and went to sit on her bed. “Well, when I got home, she was on her bed crying.”

“Did she say why?”

“Said she had something in her eye.”

“But you don’t believe her.” Jess guessed.

“No. I don’t.” Mary admitted. “But I wanted to make her feel better, so I sat on her bed and made her laugh.”

“That’s makes you a good sister.” Jess said.

“Then Daddy came home, and he messed it all up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Kayla was tickling me, and playing with me. Daddy got home and he came in Kayla’s room and started being mean to her.”

“Mean to her how?”

“He told me to leave and he told Kayla she had to work on her essay again.”

“Again? Why?”

“He said she could do it better, and told her to keep working on it until she stopped having a attitude.”

“Was Kayla being mean to Daddy?”

“Not till Daddy was being mean to her first.” Mary said. “Kayla was being really good, Mommy. She needs us to be good to her, not always yelling at her.”

Jess smiled. “When’d you get to be so wise, huh?”

“Can I go talk to Kayla? Please?”

“Let me go talk to her first. I’m going to let her come out of her room, and when I do, I’ll tell her to come get you.”

“You promise?”

“Promise.” Jess said. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You gonna tell Daddy to be nice to her?”

“I am definitely gonna do that.”

Jess walked out and over to Kayla’s room. She knocked softly and waited. She heard Kayla get up, as if she’d been sitting on the floor before Jess got there. Kayla opened the door slowly, sniffing and wiping her nose as she did.

“Hey. Can I come in?” Jess asked.

“Sure, Mom.”

Kayla stepped aside and walked to her bed. Jess sat beside her and noted that the room was cleaner than it had been when she’d left for work.

“Did you clean your room?”

“A little.” Kayla said.

“It looks good.”

“Thanks.”

“Did you want me to read your essay now?”

Kayla swallowed hard, keeping the tears at bay. “No.”

“I thought you finished it.”

“I did. Dad said it wasn’t enough, so I’m working on it again.”

“Bug, Mary told me Dad was pretty mean to you. I already heard her side of what happened. Is that true?”

“I didn’t do anything.” Kayla said, and Jess heard the crack in her voice, as if she was trying to convince herself. “You never said I couldn’t see Mary.”

“No, I didn’t. I wouldn’t do that.”

“Well, Dad came in and just started telling Mary to leave. He didn’t even say hi to us, he just started being bossy with me and telling me that my essay wasn’t good enough and that I had to redo the essay until my attitude was better…”

“Shhh. Calm down.” Jess said. “What were you and Mary doing?”

“We were just sitting on my bed goofing around. She was making me laugh, I was tickling her. I swear that’s it.”

“Okay. I believe you.” Jess reached over and pushed a hair away from Kayla’s face. “Why don’t you show me what you’ve got?”

“It’s in the trash.”

“That’s okay. Go grab it for me.”

Kayla climbed off her bed and brought her trash can over to her bed, dumping out all the papers onto her bedspread. She starting pulling them open one at a time, looking for the most recent draft.

“Kay, what is all this?”

Kayla bit her bottom lip before answering. “I couldn’t sleep last night, so I wrote a few drafts before the one I wanted to give you earlier.”

“You…” Jess looked at the pile of papers in front of her, amazed at the effort Kayla had put into this. “You wrote that essay eight times?”

“Here it is.”

Kayla handed one of the papers to her mother, and Jess read it carefully.

“Mom? How is it?”

“It’s perfect.” Jess said. “It’s great, honey.”

“I’m sorry, Mom.”

“I know. I know you are.” Jess sighed.

“I know I’m grounded, but can I go play outside with Mary?”

“You could. Or, you could go to the kitchen, and take out that gallon of ice cream I bought for someone…”

Kayla gasped. “Pistachio and mint?”

“The one and only.”

“Thanks, Mom!”

“Just promise me you won’t eat the whole gallon now. Save that for after dinner.”

“Half?”

“If you can convince your sister to eat it with you, you can eat half of it now _together._”

Kayla jumped off the bed and ran towards Mary’s room. “Mary!”

Jess listened as Kayla went to Mary’s room. She heard Kayla talk to Mary and laughed when Mary exclaimed ‘Gross!’. When she heard the freezer door open, Jess headed down two more doors to her room.

Sam was sitting on the bed, some files open on the bed in front of him. He had his spiral notebook out in front of him, the one he used to organize his thoughts when he was lost on how to proceed on a case. Sam thought Jess didn’t know, but he only worked at home when something was very wrong in their personal life. He’d done it for a few days when he’d invited his father to Kayla’s birth and John hadn’t shown up. He’d done it when they’d gone to the emergency room in a panic because Jess, while pregnant with Mary, hadn’t felt the baby move in two days. He’d done it when Jess’s mother Leslie died and Kayla had stopped talking to them. Sam had told her when Kayla was born he didn’t like working at home because he wanted his kids to have all his attention when he was there. Jess watched him work for a minute, until Sam broke the silence.

“I feel you looking at me.”

“What happened?” Jess asked, getting right to the point.

“I screwed up with Kayla.”

“Why?” Jess asked. “What happened?”

Sam put down his notebook and looked up. “Remember that case I told you about a few days ago?”

“The one with the little girl that got hurt? On some playground equipment?”

“Yeah. We went to court today. Long story short, we’re losing. Big time.” Sam said.

“I’m sorry for that. I really am. But whatever’s going on at work…”

“I know I took it out on Kayla today.”

“Is that why there’s a big hole in our wall?” Jess asked, pointing to the space beside their door.

“Yeah.”

“Look, Sam, I get it. You had a bad day at work. Hell, this is a bad case. But that doesn’t excuse what happened earlier.”

“I know.” Sam said. “I know. I do…”

“Then go fix it. Because Kayla worked her ass off on that essay. Did you know she wrote eight different drafts of it?”

Sam’s heart sank. “No.”

“No, you didn’t. You just assumed the worst, that she just slammed something out to be done with it and was just goofing off with Mary. You can’t do that, Sam. She won’t get any better if you don’t acknowledge it when she actually does try.”

“I know.” Sam said. “I know all that.”

“And don’t separate her from Mary when she’s trying to be a good sister to her. That’s just being mean. Especially when Kayla’s actually happy for once. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. Now stay in here and keep working, or go apologize. Your choice. But you’re sleeping on the couch if you don’t make it right with Kayla.”

Sam smiled. “Yes, ma’am.” Appreciating the fact that Jess hadn’t gotten angrier at him, he grabbed her for a kiss at the bedroom door. “Thank you for not chewing me out more for this.”

“Only because you’re having a hard time at work. This is your _only _free pass. Use it well.”

Sam approached the kitchen cautiously. He could hear Mary and Kayla arguing about the benefits of pistachio mint ice cream. Kayla’s entire face was green, and she grinned at her sister, who pulled a face and declared ‘gross!’. Kayla tried again to get Mary to take a bite, but Mary clamped a hand over her mouth. It was at that moment Kayla spotted her father in the hallway. All signs of what fleeting joy she was feeling drained from her face, and Sam thought he would weep. What kind of father was he when Kayla went from happy to afraid at the sight of him?

“Don’t be mean to her, Daddy.” Mary said, getting up from her seat and walking in front of Kayla, to defend her from her father verbally and physically if needed.

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Mom said it was okay.” Kayla said quietly.

“It is. It really is.”

“I’ll rewrite that essay…”

“You don’t have to.” Sam walked over and sat on Kayla’s other side. Kayla picked up Mary and pulled her into her lap. “I’m really sorry. I had an awful time at work the last few days, especially today, and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry, Bug.”

“I know I didn’t make it any easier.” Kayla acknowledged. “I’m sorry too.”

“Can we put this behind us now?”

“Sure.”

“I know you said you don’t like being hugged anymore, but I could really use one.”

Kayla started to ask Sam not to make her do it. She’d hoped what she privately called her ‘goosebump’ reactions to being touched would go away. When someone touched her, no matter who it was, all her hair would stand straight up, her heart would race, and her whole body would start to shake. It was a big part of the reason Kayla felt so lonely so much of the time. Though she knew it, there was nothing she could do about it.

_You don’t let him hug you, he’ll figure out your secret and he’ll hate you. _

The voice she heard this time was her own. It came out sometimes when she was scrambling to cover up why she seemed so tired, or angry, or afraid. Kayla had learned to listen to that inner voice. When she did, things were easier for everyone else, even if she was left feeling vulnerable and terrified.

“Sure, Dad.”

Sam was troubled by Kayla’s surface acceptance of his request. It had only taken her a second to answer, but he’d seen the flicker of something in her eyes. Whether it was fear or doubt or both, he couldn’t tell, but he filed it away to consider later.

“It’s okay to say no.” Sam reminded her. “I mean that.”

“It’s okay. Thanks for asking this time.”

“Kay?” Jess spoke for the first time from the hallway. “I’m sorry about leaving you alone earlier.”

“It’s okay, Mom.”

“I told Mrs. Bixby today I’ll be coming after dinner to walk Gracie from now on.”

“Mom, you don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t like you being here alone and scared.” Jess explained. “If it wouldn’t have made me late, I would’ve waited on Mary before I left today.”

“I know.”

“Are you still that scared to be home alone?” Jess asked.

“It’s getting better.” Kayla lied.

“Well, until it does get completely better, I promise we’ll do everything we can to make sure me or Dad is home with you.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I have an idea about how your Dad can make this afternoon up to you.”

“What?” Kayla asked.

“What are you planning?” Sam asked suspiciously.

“Kayla, give me your ice cream bowl.” Jess said. When Kayla handed it over, she gave the bowl to Sam. “You have to finish it.”

Though the ‘sentence’ Jess passed to Sam made both girls laugh hysterically, especially when Sam gagged his way through the bowl, the scene made Kayla realize something. She tried not to dwell on it, but in the dark of her bedroom after she went to bed, she couldn’t hide from it anymore.

_I know you said you don’t like being hugged anymore, but I could really use one. _

Kayla missed her Daddy.

She missed being able to come to him when she was scared, lonely, or in pain, and not worrying about whether or not he’d be mad at her.

She missed being able to grin when he was annoyed at her so she could make him laugh and get herself out of trouble.

She missed sleeping next to him when she felt sick, feeling the warmth from his body and his heartbeat soothing her to sleep.

She missed him seeming to know whether what she wanted most when she was sad was a hug or a tickle or both.

She missed him reading to her, even after she’d worried she was too old for it, making the story come alive for her.

She missed him holding her and telling her he loved her, even when she was in the biggest of trouble.

She’d been so worried about Sam finding out her big secret and hating her for it. But, she realized, her relationship with her father would never be the same again, no matter what she did. It would never be exactly the same with her mother, or with Mary either. They still loved her, and she them, but she could never truly be close to them again. If she was, she would get comfortable, and getting comfortable could lead to the truth coming out. And, Kayla was convinced, the truth coming out into the open would kill her parents, making them truly hate her.

No matter how big, how gaping, how festering the wound still was for Kayla, her staying miserable so her family could have relative peace was worth the price. So, while her parents and sister slept peacefully in their own rooms, Kayla laid in bed and cried over what she’d never have again. 


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sam does something in this chapter that a lot of people would say is a violation of privacy. I actually agree with that. Wondering why Kayla is trying so hard not to go to school lately, he snoops through her room and finds a journal of letters Kayla has been writing to her grandmother and, of course, starts to read it. Kayla doesn’t reveal everything in the journal (i.e. Art), but enough that Sam knows she’s not okay. Kayla catches him, and raises hell about it (that’s more in the next chapter than this one). **

Sam stood at the door of Kayla’s room, pacing back and forth as he decided whether or not to do this. If Kayla found out, she would undoubtedly be angry, and Sam couldn’t say he’d blame her if she was. He’d never really had a room of his own growing up, so he’d never had much privacy. He hated the feeling of betrayal, but he had to do it.

Sam checked the clock again. One hour and fifteen minutes until Kayla came home from school. He opened her bedroom door and stepped inside, wondering where to start. When he noticed the papers piled up on her desk, his decision was made. The first thing he noticed was assignments from Kayla’s school. Some were graded B-, but most of them were C’s and D’s. Sam shook his head. Until she started the eighth grade, Kayla had been a straight A student. The slip in her grades had been the first sign that something was going on with Kayla in the first place.

He continued his search, being careful to put papers back in the same place he found them. If he found nothing substantial, he wanted as little evidence as possible that he’d been there snooping. He came across some random art supplies. _Maybe she’s still drawing,_ Sam thought. He came across nothing that really struck him, until he got to the bottom of Kayla’s desk drawer.

It was a journal, brown and leather bound, worn, that he’d never seen before. He picked it up and saw a yellow sticker marked twenty-five cents on it. Kayla enjoyed going to yard sales with her mother, so Sam figured she had picked it up there. Sam took the journal and debated what he was doing. Once he took this path, he knew there’d be no way back.

He had to do it.

Kayla was in trouble again. She’d been doing everything she could to not go to school for the last week. She’d woken up the day before with an apparent fever. Jess had let her stay home from school, shoving soup and medicine and all the tender loving care she could provide, until that night. Sam and Jess had heard the sound of breaking glass coming from Kayla’s room, and when they’d run over to check on her. Kayla sat on her bed, the thermometer that Jess had given her to check her fever in her hand, broken into three jagged pieces.

She had faked the fever by sticking the thermometer underneath her lamp, and she’d held it there this time until it burst.

Sam had actually found the whole thing amusing. Or, as he’d put it to Dean when Jessica wasn’t listening the night before, “damn hilarious”. Kayla had successfully faked a sick day. His plan had just been to tell her not to do it again. It had been over a month since there had been any fight in the house, so Sam had just found it to be a funny thing that most kids tried at least once in their lifetime. Granted, at thirteen, Kayla was a little old for it, but Sam didn’t see the harm.

Jess disagreed.

She didn’t see it as a harmless prank. Jess had been overprotective of both girls since Mary’s bout with the flu a few months before, and every time one of them so much as sniffled, she wanted to take them to the ER. Sam had felt forced to make Jess promise to wait for him if she had the urge to take one of the girls to the hospital. He didn’t mind being cautious, but he didn’t want them making unnecessary trips either. Sam had tried not to laugh when Jess found out Kayla was faking sick. He had to be the one, for once in their lives since instituting the three strike system, to remind Jess that Kayla got a warning first.

“Fine. But I mean it, Kayla. I’ve been sick myself worrying about you today. Don’t do this again. Do you understand me, young lady?”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

Jess forgave Kayla easily enough, too relieved she was actually okay to really be angry with her. As the night progressed, Sam started thinking. Hard. He’d thought about snooping through Kayla’s room a month earlier, when she’d been going through weeks of mood swings and snippiness that had left the two of them fighting constantly. But when Kayla’s attitude had improved, he’d decided not to do it. No need to poke the bear.

But after finding out about Kayla’s fake illness, Sam thought back to the last few days. Kayla had been dropping subtle hints that she didn’t want to go to school. When asked about it, all she’d say was that she needed a break. Sam had offered to take her to the movies or the park that Saturday, just the two of them, but she had to go to school. Kayla had seemed to shrug it off, but she’d asked three more nights in a row.

Kayla had always loved school before. Why was she not wanting to go so badly?

Sam took a seat at Kayla’s desk and opened the journal. He was surprised that it only went back a few months. It also wasn’t a traditional journal with normal entries. They were letters. Letters from Kayla to her grandmother. His heart broke a little more and a little more with each entry he read.

_Hey Grandma._

_This might be stupid, but I think it’ll help. I wish I knew for sure you could see these. I miss you all the time. _

_We moved a few months after you died. Dad got a new job in Washington, D.C., and he said everything would be better. Better school, bigger house, more kids around to be friends with. I like it here well enough. But it’s not better. It’s not home. I miss you. I miss uncle Dean and uncle Bobby and Grandpa. I feel jealous of Mary. When we moved, she was too little to really know what she was missing out on. _

_Dad works all the time. When we lived in South Dakota, he made sure to eat breakfast with us every day. He gave me a hug before I left for school, and if he had to work late, he always woke me up when he got home to ask me about school. He’d take off work for my school plays or soccer games. Now, whenever I ask, he says he’ll “try his hardest”. When did his job become more important than me?_

“Damn it.” Sam said to himself.

How long had Kayla felt like this? It was true Sam’s job was slightly more demanding where they lived now than it had been in South Dakota. But he thought he’d done a good job making sure both girls knew they were still the most important thing in the world to him. Apparently, he had some work to do, and went on to the other entries.

_Hey Grandma. _

_It would’ve been your birthday today. I hope you’re happier up there than I am down here. _

_I did something really stupid tonight. Dad’s friend is leaving. It’s the only friend I’ve ever seen him really have, but I don’t like him, Grandma. He scares me. A lot. And when he told us at dinner that he was leaving, I laughed. I was relieved. But I knew I screwed up when I looked at Dad. _

_He was so mad. He’s disappointed in me. Again. I try to act like I don’t care when he says that, but I do. It hurts. And he won’t listen to me when he’s like that. He’ll just get mad and if I try to say anything in my defense, he’ll get even madder. I feel like sometimes he’d just be happier if I shut up and never said anything again. _

“Son of a bitch.” Sam said. Was he really this bad?

_Hey Grandma. _

_I’m scared._

_Mary’s really sick. She woke up last night with a real high fever and a bad headache. Mom and Dad are really scared for her. When they’re scared, it makes me and Mary really scared. _

_Mom hit me today. She got mad at me because we got in a fight and she hit me. Now I’ve really screwed up. It’s one thing for Dad to get mad and yell at me, maybe even spank me for something I did wrong. But it takes a lot to push Mom over that edge. A whole lot. Guess I’m good for something. _

Sam felt sick thinking this, but there was actually a small amount of pleasure in the fact that Kayla wasn’t just unhappy with him now. It made him feel like maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the only one to screw up when it came to Kayla. _It’s not a competition, you jerk,_ his brain told him. _Keep reading. _

_Hey Grandma. _

_It’s official now. I’m the slut of the entire school. _

“What the hell?” Sam asked out loud, his attention now piqued.

_I did something really stupid at a sleepover a few weeks ago. We were talking about boys. Boys we thought were cute…_

“What are you doing?”

Sam nearly sailed out of the chair. He’d lost track of time, and Kayla had come home. She stood in the doorway, backpack in her hand, staring open mouthed at Sam in a mix of annoyance, horror, anger, and disbelief all at once.

“Are you reading my journal?”

“Kay…”

“Give me that!” Kayla threw her backpack onto her bed and pulled the journal out of her father’s hands, examining it to see how much he’d read.

“Kay, honey, we need to talk.”

“NO!” Kayla was close to shouting, but it wasn’t anger behind it. It was betrayal. “How could you?”

“Bug, I’m worried about you…”

“Don’t call me that!” Kayla said, and Sam saw that she was about to start crying. “Don’t ever call me that again!”

“We’re talking, Kayla. I’m not giving you a choice about this. Now we can talk now, or we can talk later, your choice. You’re not in trouble for anything. And after we talk, you can yell, you can scream, do whatever you need to do back at me. I don’t blame you for being angry…”

“GET OUT!” Kayla screamed. “Leave me alone!”

Sam cracked. He’d expected Kayla to be angry with him, maybe even shout and scream at him, but she was full-on sobbing now. Kayla had climbed into the very corner of her bed, as far as she could get away from Sam without running away, holding the journal close to her as if it was the most precious thing in the world. For all Sam knew, having not known she was keeping a journal at all, it was. Sam took a tentative step towards Kayla, desperately trying to soothe her somehow, but Kayla picked up a pillow and chucked it at him.

“I said get out! I’m never talking to you again! GET OUT!”

Sam gave up, throwing his hands up in surrender and heading for the door. Kayla still grasped the journal tight in her hands. Her whole body shook with pained sobs, as if she’d just lost her only friend. Sam then got an idea. He remembered Dean telling him he was on a hunt less than three hours away, and as soon as he wrapped it up, he’d stop by to visit for a while if it was okay.

Kayla had been close to Dean when they lived near the family. Sam knew for a fact she called Dean every two to three days. Remembering what Kayla had written about in her journal, missing Dean and his father and Bobby so badly, Sam picked up the phone and dialed Dean’s number. He said a silent prayer that Dean could somehow get through to Kayla.

“Hey, dude. I need your help.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Thanks, Dean. See you soon.”

Sam was relieved when Dean agreed to help him talk to Kayla. He hadn’t told him or his father or Bobby about anything going on. He didn’t want them to worry, since they were really too far away to do anything about it. Dean had sounded shocked at what Sam told him, so it didn’t seem Kayla had really confided much in Dean either. _So what are the two of them talking about so much? _Before he could think about it too much, Sam heard Jess’s car pull up and Jess and Mary get out.

Inside her room, Kayla felt broken. The journal she held in her hand was the last place she had felt safe. She could say as much as she wanted, or not say anything if she chose to. No one tried to force her to talk. She could pretend to be happy and no one looked at her like she was lying. Which she usually was. Kayla opened the journal back up to the page Sam had been on. She hoped he hadn’t read further and then gone back to this page, but it didn’t matter. He’d read far enough either way. Kayla read the entry Sam had been looking at.

_Hey Grandma. _

_It’s official now. I’m the slut of the entire school._

_I did something really stupid at a sleepover a few weeks ago. We were talking about boys. Boys we thought were cute. I had started to look at boys before, but now I don’t care if I never look at one. _

_But I just had to fit in with everyone, so when they started talking, I pretended I was into it. Then Jana said it. We had a sex ed class at school a few weeks ago, and she said that she wondered what it would be like to have sex. _

_How could I have been so stupid as to tell them what I did? I said that I’d had sex. I haven’t, Grandma. I swear. I know I shouldn’t have lied and said I had, but it just slipped out. They didn’t believe me at first, and I told them I had and they could believe me if they wanted to or not. They asked me what it was like, and I told them it was scary and it hurt a lot. That I never wanted to do it again. _

_I told them that on Friday. When I got to school on Monday, I noticed that people were looking at me. Not just glancing at me and maybe laughing at me like they normally do. They were looking at me and pointing and whispering. Tayler came and found me and pulled me into the bathroom. Apparently, Chloe had spread around the story I told at the sleepover, and Jana had helped her. _

_I’ve been bullied ever since. It wasn’t too bad at first. Mostly people just pointing at me and laughing and whispering. A couple times I’ve had pieces of paper thrown at the back of my head. I’ve learned to stop picking them up, because I don’t want to read what they say. I try to focus on schoolwork, but it’s hard. I try to ignore it, but I can’t do that all the time either. I’ve come close to getting into fights twice, but Tayler sticks pretty close to me and stops me. She told me that anyone bullying me isn’t worth getting in trouble for. _

_I hate myself, Grandma. I hate school, I hate my life, I hate living here. I miss you. I miss you so bad. I know I deserve all this, but I just can’t take it anymore. _

Her eyes blurry from tears, Kayla threw the journal to the side and wept. She sat cross legged on her bed, pulling herself into the fetal position. She wondered to herself if it was ever possible to hurt so much inside that it killed you.

While Sam had seen Kayla break down crying with what he’d done, he couldn’t see or feel what was going on inside her. What had been going on ever since the Monday after her sleepover. He hadn’t felt her hope over that following weekend, that maybe, just maybe, she actually had some close friends now. Maybe everything really would be better now. He hadn’t felt how crushed her heart had been when she found out that her friends weren’t really her friends. How lonely she was. How much she longed to just go back a year and have everything back the way it was before. When she was nothing but a naïve kid who only worried about school and staying out of trouble. Now, the only place she really had to flee from all that had been violated.

School that day had been terrible. The bullying had calmed down for a few weeks, as everyone prepared for the upcoming Spring Fling dance. It was a big deal at her school, as it signaled that the end of the school year was exactly a month away. Kayla had halfway wondered if anyone would ask her. She both hoped they would and hoped they wouldn’t. When she went to her locker that day, she’d jumped back when it opened and a loud banging sound went off, followed by an explosion of red, pink, and white confetti. Inside she found an empty confetti gun and a note that read GO HOME, YOU UGLY SLUT. She had run out of school and down the road to an empty field to cry until it was time to head home. Where she found Sam in her room.

“Kay?”

“I said go away!”

“Kay, look at me, honey. It’s Mom and Mary.”

Kayla looked up and saw Jess and Mary watching her closely. Her chest still heaved, but she seemed to have cried herself out. It was hard to breathe.

“Mary, go to the kitchen and get a water bottle. And get the box of tissues out of the bathroom.”

“Okay, Mommy.” Mary said quietly before leaving.

“Dad told me what happened.”

Kayla swallowed to try and collect herself. “You…said…I didn’t have…”

“Shhh. Wait till Mary comes back, okay? You’ll end up having a panic attack. Just breathe, okay? In and out.”

After she’d drunk the water bottle and blown her nose, Kayla was calm enough to talk. A concerned Mary sat next to her sister and grabbed her arm. “Kay’a? You want my ‘nuffle?”

Kayla turned to Mary and smiled sadly. “Not right now. I might need to sleep with him tonight, though.”

“Okay. Me too?”

“Yeah. You too.” Kayla said. She turned back to her mother. “You said I didn’t have to let anyone read it.”

“I meant that, honey.”

“Did you know what he was gonna do?”

Jess paused, considering her answer carefully. She paused a little too long.   


“You knew? You knew Dad was gonna snoop through my room?”

“I didn’t think he’d read your journal.” Jess answered honestly.

“What exactly were you guys trying to find? And why didn’t you just ask me?”

“Honey, we’ve tried asking you. But something is wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me!”

“Yes. There is. You spend hours all alone, you’re constantly crying and trying to hide it, you’re angry at the drop of a hat. We just want to understand why so we can help you.”

“The only thing wrong with me right now is that the only place I felt like I could completely be myself has been taken away from me.” Kayla said. “I should be able to keep some things to myself.”

“Most of the time, yes. You’re right. You should be able to keep things to yourself. But when Dad and I think that you’re in trouble, or maybe even in danger, we will do whatever we have to so we can make sure you’re safe.”

“Including invading my private thoughts?”

“Yes. If that’s what it takes, yes.” Jess said.

“Fine.” Kayla picked up the journal and handed it to her mother. “Read it. Read all of it. But that’s all either of you are getting for a long time. Because I’ll never write in it again, and I’ll definitely never tell you guys anything personal again.”

“Kay, I know you’re upset…”

“No. I’m scared. I’m scared because no matter what was going on with all of us, I thought I could trust you. I thought when you told me something, like no one could read my journal, I could believe you. And I know things have been rough with Dad, but I thought I could trust him too. Guess that was stupid.”

Mary, who had been stroking Kayla’s arm in an attempt to both give and receive comfort after watching her sister have a hard time breathing, immediately poked Kayla hard in the side.

“OW! What’d you do that for?”

“Kay’a, you not stupid. Stop calling yourself that. I don’t like it.”

Kayla smiled again and kissed Mary’s cheek. “Thank you. I needed that.”

“You call yourself a mean name again, I poke you harder. In the eye next time.”

“I won’t. I promise.” Kayla said.

“Mary’s right. You’re not stupid. Maybe this wasn’t the best way to go about this. But something is going on and we need to know what it is.”

“Why? Why do you have to know every detail of my life?” Kayla asked bitterly.

“Because we’re your parents.”

“And you can make me do chores, you can tell me what to do, but you can’t tell me what to feel in here.” Kayla said, pointing to her heart. “That belongs to me, and you and Dad can’t take it.”

“We don’t want to take it.” Jess was pleading now, desperate to make Kayla understand. “But you’re hurting, Bug, and I can’t stand it. I want to help.”

“You can’t help.”

“I’d like to try.”

Kayla felt a second wind coming, and knew they were headed for a fight of epic proportions. “Fine! You want to know? I’ll tell you. I get bullied, okay? I’m the class…” Kayla stopped herself when she remembered Mary was still sitting beside her. “Mary, go out there with Daddy.”

“No. I want to stay with you.”

“Do you want to help me feel better? Really feel better?” Kayla asked.

“Yeah. Do you need something? You want ‘nuffle now?”

“No. I need to talk to Mommy about something and I don’t want you to hear it.”

“How come?”

“Because it’s not very nice and I’m gonna say a word I hope you never have to hear in your whole life.”

“Kay’a? Is they picking on you at your school? They hurtin’ your feelings?”

“Yeah. They do. A lot.” Kayla said.

“Is that why you used to be mean to me?” Mary asked.

Kayla swallowed against the lump in her throat. “Yeah. I guess it is. I’m sorry for that.”

“Is okay. You already said sorry. I’s just tryin’ understand.” Mary said. “You needs hug? I give you one if you wants it.”

“Yeah. That’d be nice. Thank you.” Mary didn’t hesitate, squeezing her sister’s neck so hard Kayla wondered why her head didn’t pop off. “I said yes to a hug, not you choking the life out of me.”

“Loves you. Bunches and bunches.” Mary said, loosening her grip but refusing to let go.

“Love you too. Bunches and bunches.”

Mary finally climbed off the bed, and Jess tried to hide the jealousy she felt. Kayla would freely hug Mary, kiss her, tell her ‘I love you bunches and bunches’ with no prompting. Jess knew that it was part of growing up. Distancing yourself from your parents was normal. She remembered going through it with her own mother, at least until she went to college. But Kayla seemed to only be pushing herself away from her mother and father. She was close with Mary and Dean, and even called her grandfather and Bobby on occasion to talk to them. When Mary was gone, Jess started to resume the conversation, but Kayla didn’t give her a chance.

“I get bullied. I’m the class slut, Mom. Is that what you wanted to know?”

“How did that happen?” Jess asked.

Kayla swallowed and lied. “I don’t know.”

“Did someone start a rumor about you?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know who?”

Kayla had learned months ago that the best way to tell a believable lie was to sprinkle it with the truth. “It was someone from when I had my sleepover.”

“Your sleepover? That was months ago!”

“Yep.”

“Have you been bullied this entire school year?”

“Most of it.”

“Why wouldn’t you tell us about this?”

“Because I don’t want to talk to my parents about why everyone thinks I’m sleeping around!” Kayla explained. “I especially don’t want to talk with my _Dad_ about that, Mom!”

“I get that. I do.”

“You don’t understand, Mom.”

“Understand what?”

“What it’s like for everyone to think that about you.” Kayla said, while thinking _especially when it’s true._

“You might be surprised.”

A shocked Kayla looked up at her mother. “What?”

“Honey, you’re not the first teenage girl this has happened to. You’re not even the first one in the family.”

“You too? When?”

“Remember when I told you once that Grandma homeschooled me for the second semester of my freshman year?”

“How’d you get through it?” Kayla asked, genuinely curious.

“Can I sit with you?”

“Sure.”

Jess took a seat, preparing herself to relive memories she hoped she’d never had to dig up again. “I had a girl I was friends with. Best friends, really. She was jealous because the boy she liked asked me out. So she started the rumor around school that I was sleeping with him.”

“I’m sorry Mom.”

“Thanks. I get it. School was rough for a little while.”

“What’d they do?” Kayla asked.

“Called me names. Whispered behind my back. One kid even left notes at your Grandpa Lloyd’s office about me. Said he was trying to warn him.”

“At his doctor’s office? That’s awful.”

“Yeah, it was.”

“Was Grandpa mad? At you, I mean?”

“No. I thought he would be. I thought he _should _be. But he just asked me to tell him what was going on. He listened to me really carefully, and he asked me if I wanted to be homeschooled for a while.”

“Did that work?”

“Sort of. I felt really lonely for a few weeks. But Grandma wanted me to go back after Christmas, just to see if it would be the same or not. Seemed like everyone pretty much forgot about me once they hadn’t seen me for a while.”

“Could I try that? Would you do it?”

“Sure. If you want to try it, we could. Or we could try to get you into the charter school. That’s a lot smaller. We could talk about that, for sure, honey.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You asked me if Grandpa was mad at me. Is that what you’re worried about with your Dad?”

“A little.” Kayla said. “Mostly I just don’t want him thinking that it’s true.”

“I swear to you. Your Dad will not be mad at you. And he will not think anything’s true. He just wants to help you, Bug. Just like me.”

“But it should’ve been _my choice_ whether or not to say anything.” Kayla said.

“Yes. You’re right. You’re right, and maybe we shouldn’t have snooped. I honestly thought your father knew better than to read through your journal.”

“Well, he did.”

“And I will talk to him about that. And I swear to you, he won’t do it again.”

“You’re right, ‘cause I’m not telling him anything.” Kayla said bitterly.

Jess sighed. “I know you feel that way now. And I get that. But please don’t hate your Dad. He loves you, and he just wants the best for you.”

“I don’t want him to know.”

“Do you know what your grandpa said to me when I was crying to him just like you are right now?”

“What?”

“He said that he loved me, and that he didn’t put any stock in what those kids said about me, because he knew me in here.” Jess pointed to Kayla’s heart, and Kayla didn’t want to smile, but she couldn’t help it. “You hear me, Bug? That’s how me and your Dad feel about you.”

“No matter what? You swear you’ll always feel that way?”

“Nothing in this world would change the way we feel about you, Bug.” Jess said.

_Wanna bet? _Kayla thought cynically.

“And if you want, after we all calm down tonight, you, me, and your Dad will talk about you changing schools or being homeschooled.”

“I don’t want to talk to Dad.”

“You don’t have to.” Sam had appeared at the door, and Kayla simply glared at him. “But I have someone here that you might want to talk to.”

“Who?” When the visitor peeked into the doorway, Kayla grinned. “Uncle Dean!”


	11. Chapter 11

“Uncle Dean!” Mary and Kayla said simultaneously.

“Hey, kiddos.” Dean said. “Can I have a hug?”

Mary jumped down from the bed and ran to Dean, who scooped her up and tickled her as Kayla walked over. Kayla was relieved. Any time Dean visited, he took her out somewhere, just the two of them. Mary sometimes complained about it, and Dean would do something together with her, but Kayla knew the trips were all about her.

They’d started when Jess was pregnant with Mary. Eight-year-old Kayla had felt left out of the baby preparations, so Dean would come over and take her somewhere for the day. The trips weren’t as frequent now that they lived so far away, but Dean had come a few times so he could reassure her that distance didn’t mean anything.

“Hey, Bug.”

“Hey, uncle Dean. What are you doing here?” Kayla asked.

“I came to see you. Let’s go get something to eat. You up for it?”

“Sure.” Kayla said.

“Cool. Go wait for me in the Impala, okay?”

“Okay.”

Once Kayla was out the door, Dean turned to Jess and Sam. “Alright. I got it for now. Anything else I need to know?”

“She just told me she’s been getting bullied at school. She didn’t give a lot of specifics, but basically someone started a rumor about her.”

“About what?” Sam asked.

Jess spotted Mary still standing with them. Remembering what Kayla said about not wanting Mary to hear what was going on, she suggested, “Mary, why don’t you go give Snuffle to Kayla?”

“Okay! Uncle Dean, I know you’s here for Kay’a, but…”

“You. Me. Soccer ball at the park tomorrow. Deal?”

“Deal!”

Mary went off to her room to collect her beloved ‘Snuffle’, a stuffed Snuffleupagus toy from Sesame Street. It had been given to Kayla for her first birthday, who’d passed it on to Mary for her first birthday. When Mary was out the door, Jess explained,

“One of her friends started a rumor at school that Kayla was sleeping around.”

“She’s thirteen!” Sam said in disbelief.

“It happens pretty early, Sam. I was fourteen when it happened to me.”

“I’m on it.” Dean said. “We’ll be back.”

“Dean?” Jess stopped him, then seemed to consider her next request. “Try to see if she’ll give you some details, but don’t push it.”

“Details?”

“About the bullying. Who’s doing it, all that. She didn’t share much with me, and I got the impression it’s pretty nasty. I offered to look into homeschooling her if she wanted, or maybe transfer to a different school. Just tell me if you think I’m overreacting.”

“Okay. I will.” Dean said.

When Dean came outside, Mary was hugging Kayla and telling Kayla how much she loved her. Dean sent Mary inside, promising her again he’d be back that night, and the three of them would watch a movie before the girls had to go to bed that night.

Dean was a patient man. It surprised some people to find that out, but he was. He knew how to get Kayla to talk, and it wasn’t by pushing her to do it. It was by asking gentle questions, reminding her that it was okay to talk and that they loved her no matter what, and, most importantly, not press her for details. That was the quickest way to make her shut down. He took Kayla to her favorite restaurant, Mama Rita’s, and as they sat down, Kayla took the mat on the table and the cup of crayons and started to color it in. He started to say something when the waitress approached their table.

“Hey there guys. What can I get you to…Oh, hi, Kayla!”

Kayla looked up from her placemat and smiled. “Hey, Ginger.”

“Who’s this?”

“Oh, this is my uncle Dean. Uncle Dean, this is Ginger. She’s the best waitress in this whole place.”

“Oh, stop it.” Ginger replied. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Dean said.

“Ginger, did you guys ever get those spicy chips?”

  
“We are all out, kiddo. Sorry.”

“Aww, man.” Kayla said, disappointed.

“We do, though, have a new dessert you might like to try.” Ginger suggested.

“Can we, uncle Dean? Please?”

“As long as you eat something too.”

Dean drew a picture on the other placemat and played a game of tic tac toe with Kayla while they waited for their food. Once they were eating, Dean decided it was time.

“Alright, kiddo. Down to business. What’s going on with you?”

Kayla, who had just finished her quesadilla and was working on her rice and beans, suddenly stopped and put her fork down. “What do you mean?”

“Your mom told me you’ve been bullied at school.”

“Yeah. I have.”

“Is that why you’ve skipped thirty days of school since November?”

Kayla’s mouth hung down. “How’d you find out?”

“I got done with my job a little early, so I went to visit your school today. I was actually on my way there when your Dad called me. Your teacher said they’ve sent a bunch of notes home with you, saying that you can’t miss any more school or you’re at risk for not passing your grade. Six notes, in fact.”

Kayla shifted nervously in her seat.   


“Where are those notes, Kay?”

Kayla sighed. She was busted. “I forged Dad’s signature on them.”

“I see. Have you skipped because of the bullying?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Don’t sir me, kid. I’m not your Dad.” Dean said, and Kayla relaxed slightly. “I’m not looking to get you in trouble here. But this isn’t good. You know that, right?”

“I know.”

“Is it just the bullying? Is there anything else going on?”

Kayla swallowed. She knew if she said no, Dean wouldn’t believe her. As if he read her thoughts, Dean said,

“Don’t answer me right now if you don’t want to. Think about it. We’re not in a hurry. But I want to know.”

She didn’t know what made her think to do it, but Kayla decided to come clean. On everything. Skipping school. How she skipped school. The fact that her grades were much worse than her parents thought. Why the rumor had started. Confess the fact that during the so called ‘peaceful’ periods in which Sam had been so proud of her, she’d actually been smoking and drinking whenever she was alone to try and keep her sanity and stave off the constant flashbacks.

And, she decided, she’d tell Dean about Art.

She’d beg him not to tell Sam, but she knew, deep down, that he’d have to. She knew that Sam would probably hate her for it, and may even throw her out. But Kayla was confident that between Dean and her grandfather and her uncle Bobby, someone would feel sorry enough for her that they’d give her a place to live. She was tired of carrying around this secret. The ugly, burning secret that had destroyed her entire life.

“There is something.”

“What? Tell me, kiddo.”

“Well…”

Dean’s cell phone broke Kayla’s thoughts. “Hold that thought, kid.” Dean saw the caller ID and groaned. “It’s your Dad. Hang on.”

As Dean talked to Sam, Kayla quickly changed her mind about telling Dean everything. While she didn’t want her father to hate her, she realized that that wasn’t the thing that scared her the most. She was afraid of hurting him by admitting that the rumors were true. When she had a bad attitude with him, or when she failed a test, or when she was generally behaving badly, Sam would eventually always forgive her. But the catalyst for the change in Kayla, her forced relationship with Art, was something that he’d never forgive her for. It would hurt her father beyond anything she’d ever done, and that was something she couldn’t live with. So, she quickly decided what to tell Dean when he hung up the phone.

“Sorry, kiddo. Your dad’s a little worried. Now what’s going on?”

“I’m gonna fail eighth grade.”

“What?”

Kayla sniffed. “I’m gonna fail eighth grade.”

Though he wasn’t surprised at that, given how many days of school Kayla had skipped, Dean asked, “Are you sure?”

“My grades are all gonna be incompletes or F’s. My highest grade is a 56.”

“In what?”

“Math.” Kayla answered. “I have to at least pass Math and English to be able to go on to high school. There’s not enough time left in the year to make it all up.”

“So, I’m guessing you’ve hidden this from your dad too.”

“Yeah.”

“What were you gonna do when your report card came out? Go to the high school and pretend you were enrolled?”

“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

“School’s out in a month. You better start thinking.”

“I know it’s stupid, uncle Dean. I get that. But think about it. You know how Dad is about education. He’s gonna flip out over this!”

“I won’t lie and say he’s not gonna be upset. But I guarantee you he’ll be more upset that you’ve lied to him for so long.”

“Fine. I’ll tell him tonight.” Kayla said.

“I didn’t say you had to do that.”

“What?”

Dean sighed. “Look, I get it. You know you’re gonna disappoint your dad, so you hide it. I get that. But when you hide stuff like that, it festers. It hurts and it makes you hurt other people. You see what I’m saying?”

“Kind of.”

“Is there anything else I need to know?”

“No. Nothing.”

“Okay. I’ll make you a deal. I won’t tell your dad about what’s going on in school.”

Kayla, surprised, asked, “Seriously?”

“Seriously. I won’t tell your dad. But you’ve got some stuff to do for me.”

“What?”

“First of all, no more skipping school. I left my number, not your dad’s, with your homeroom teacher today. She’s gonna call me if you don’t show up to homeroom, and you need to stop by and see her at the end of the day. What time’s school get out?”

“2:50.”

“If she doesn’t see you by 3, she’s calling me. If she calls me, I’m coming back and not only are we talking to your dad, but you’ll be in trouble with me too. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Next, you need to work your ass off in school for the rest of the year.”

“What difference does it make?” Kayla asked. “I’m gonna fail either way.”

“You don’t know that. Do you know how summer school works?”

“No.”

“Well, if your grades are just below passing, they’ll send you to summer school to do some work until your average comes back up. If you do well enough, they’ll promote you and you’ll be able to start high school on time. But that’ll only work if you do your best for the rest of the year. Deal?”

“Deal.” Kayla said.

“Third, if anyone bullies you again like they did today, tell the teacher. I know that’s not the cool thing to do, but if they’re willing to do what they did to your locker today, they might not be afraid to go a step farther.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“Fourth, when that report card does come out, you come clean. You bring it to your dad and be upfront with him. Tell him about you skipping school, forging his signature on those notes, all of it.”

Kayla grimaced. She’d committed so many offenses over such a short period that she knew she’d never just be on strike one for this. “I’ll never sit down again.”

Dean smiled. “Maybe. But I promise you’ll feel better with this out in the open. You tell your dad when the report card comes, work as hard as you can in summer school, and then you’ll be able to put this behind you.”

“I promise.”

“Alright. You do all that, I won’t tell your dad right now. But I’m gonna be keeping a real close watch on you, kiddo. You break one part of this deal, not only will your dad find out, but your butt will belong to me. Capische?”

“Capische.”

“And I’ll tell your dad tonight that if he reads your journal again, I’ll sock him in the mouth.” Dean said. “But cut him just a little slack for me. Please? He didn’t do it to hurt you. He’s worried about you.”

“I know.”

“Okay. Enough adult stuff. Finish dinner and we’ll go get some ice cream.”

Dean spent the rest of the long, leisurely meal telling Kayla jokes, and before she got home, she was laughing more than she had in months. The living room light was still on, and Kayla walked inside with Dean following close behind. Sam’s face had a look of regret, and Kayla felt bad. She understood why Sam had gone snooping through her room, but it still hurt. She was still mad, still feeling like there was no place for her to unload what was going on in her heart and mind that was free from judgment. So, despite her earlier promise to Dean, she grabbed him in a hug and whispered in his ear.

“I don’t want to talk to him yet. I just don’t think I can do it and not fight with him right now.”

Dean nodded. “Okay. Good call. But we talk tomorrow after breakfast. No excuses.”

“Okay. Good night.”

“Good night, kiddo.”

Kayla carefully avoided eye contact with her father and mother, but she could feel their remorse and disappointment. She walked into her room, surprised to find her journal waiting for her on the desk. There was a letter from her father on top of it, which she unfolded and read with teary eyes.

_Hey Bug._

**Next chapter: Kayla reads Sam’s letter, and goes out to talk to him. Dean has some words of warning for not just Sam, but Jess too. **


	12. Chapter 12

_Hey Bug._

_Since we seem to have so much trouble talking face to face, I decided to try it this way._

_I'm going to try being completely honest here. I wish I could say I wouldn't look through your room again, but I can't. I'm so worried about you. You try to hide it from me and your mother, but you're always hurting. I hear you crying in the bathroom and in your room. I try to make sure you know I'm in the room, but you seem to be in another place all the time and I scare you when I don't mean to. You're not sleeping more nights than you are. You're constantly close to crying._

_I do know that going through your room hurt you, and for that I _ _ am _ _ sorry. I would never hurt you on purpose. I understand why you kept the journal. I used to keep one myself, and I hid it from your grandfather and your uncle. I wanted a place to put down what I was thinking and feeling and no one could tell me I was wrong for it. I tried to find it, because I was going to let you read through it, but I couldn't find it. I know you won't believe me, and I don't blame you, but I only got through a few entries. The last one I read is the first time you talk about being bullied. That's all._

_I want to apologize for what I did read. I knew you hated moving here. But I never knew how you felt about me working here. I didn't know me having breakfast with you, or waking you up when I got home late meant so much to you. I promise you I'll go back to that, if that's what you want. You haven't really had any school plays or soccer games lately, but if something like that comes up, I'll be there. I swear to you, I'll be there. I do like my job. I love it. But my job is not more important than you. It's not even close._

_I didn't even realize that the night Art left was your grandmother's birthday. I know you miss her. You were so special to your grandma. I'm sorry, Bug. We should have been celebrating her that night, not Art. But something you said about that night really smacked me in the face. I would not be happy if you 'shut up and never said anything again'. I would be devastated. If that's the reason you've stopped talking, then I'll never forgive myself for that._

_And as far as Mom hitting you? She's felt guilty about that every single day since it happened. She's so worried that she's made you afraid of her. You and your sister are her whole life. The thought that she might've hurt you kills her._

_I have a feeling I've been holding on a little too tight, so I'm pulling back on the reigns a bit. Not completely. I'm your dad; I have to be there to do the 'dad' things like tell you to eat your dinner or be nice to your sister. But as far as our relationship goes, you're in charge. I'll be here to eat breakfast with you every day, but I won't force you to talk. We can talk about whatever you want, or just sit in silence. When you want to do something together, I'll do it. When you talk, I'll turn off my dad button and just listen. I can't promise we'll never fight again, but I hope this helps us to fight a little less._

_I won't read your journal again. I hope you'll go back to writing in it. I think it's a wonderful way to keep your grandmother with us. I think she's so proud of you, and the woman you're growing into. I know I am._

_I'll let you go now, Bug. If you want to look at it, in your top desk drawer, I left a photo of us. It's my favorite photo of all time. I hope you remember the day was well as I do, and I hope one day we can get back to being this happy._

_I love you so much, Kayla bug._

_Much love,_

_Dad_

Kayla, whose eyes dripped with tears now, opened the top desk drawer and found a photo of her father holding her on top of his shoulders. She was five years old in the photo, and Kayla had just gotten over what her grandmother had always called her 'fake flu'. She'd gotten a flu shot a few days earlier, and had gotten every single side effect the doctor had warned about-fever, chills, nausea, headache, the works. Kayla didn't remember ever having been that sick before or since. But the day that Kayla had gotten better, she'd complained to her daddy that she hated being sick because it made her feel like she wasn't strong. With no warning, Sam had lifted her up and put her on his shoulders, making her giggle until she couldn't breathe.

"How do you feel now?" Sam had asked.

"Like I can do anything."

Without fully thinking about it, Kayla stood up and walked to the living room, where her father, mother, uncle, and sister were all talking. Mary sat in Dean's lap, playing an old game of 'press the button', where Dean made funny faces and Mary tried to press his nose. Sometimes she'd 'catch' his nose, and sometimes Dean would distract her and tickle her in her belly and make her laugh. Kayla climbed on the couch next to her father and wrapped her arms around him, stunning the entire room.

"What's this for?" a shocked Sam asked.

"I'm sorry." Kayla said. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what, Bug?"

"For not being a better kid like you deserve. One that doesn't fight you so much."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up." Sam said. He urged her to sit up and look at him. "Is that what you think I want? A better kid?"

"Yes."

"There's no such thing. What would make you think that I want any kid other than you?"

Kayla shrugged. "I just do."

Sam smiled. "Have I ever told you what it was like when your mom was pregnant with you?"

"No."

"Well, I had this vision in my head of what you'd be like. What you'd look like, the kinds of things you'd like to do, what you'd be good at. I was so excited to meet that little girl I thought you'd be. But there was a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"The problem was that you turned out a million times better than anything in my dreams. I don't want a better kid because there is no better kid. I love you just the way you are right now, and there isn't a thing in the world I would change about you. Got it?"

"Got it." Kayla said.

"Feel better now?"

"Mostly."

"Good." Sam said. "Thank you for the hug. I needed that."

"Sam?" Dean spoke up from the recliner where he still held Mary. "I'm glad you guys made up, but I promised Kayla one more thing. "

"What's that?"

"You read her journal again, it'll be time for a good old fashioned Winchester beat down. Clear?"

"Clear." Sam said. He turned back to Kayla and promised, "I won't touch it again. I swear. But can I ask a favor?"

"What favor?"

"Just give me _something_. Anything. Once a day, just tell me somehting about your day. It can be just what you had for lunch if that's all you want to tell me, but please tell me something. Will you do that?"

"Sure." Kayla said. "Hey, Dad?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

The statement packed such a punch, and Sam could feel it. The two of them had said it to each other multiple times a day when Kayla was little, and its usage had faded in the Winchester house as she got older. Hearing it again lit up Sam's heart, and for the first time in a while, he felt some hope. Hope that things might get better.

"I love you too, Bug. More than anything."

"Uncle Dean? You said we'd watch a movie together tonight." Mary reminded him, breaking the tenision in the room.

"That I did. You girls get a bath and in your PJs, then go pick something out you both agree on. I need to talk to Mom and Dad privately."

Kayla took Mary's hand and led her down the hall towards the bathroom. They entered into a rather spirited discussion on what movie to watch, hovering just below the threshold of what could be considered arguing. When the girls closed the bathroom door, Dean turned to Sam and Jess, a somber expression on his face.

"Dean? What's wrong?" Sam asked.

"Did you talk to Kayla about the bullying?" Jess wondered.

"A little. But I need to warn you guys about something. "

"What? Is something else going on?"

"I really think there is. Yes, I did ask about the bullying. It's been mostly just taunting and teasing. One kid was pulling her hair in class, trying to get her in trouble when Kayla would react to it. Someone put a confetti gun in her locker today, and it went off in the hall while everyone was going to their last class."

"Oh, my God." Jess said. "That must have scared her to death."

"She told me some other things too. "

"What?" Sam asked. "Dean, tell us, please."

"I won't do that. I promised her I wouldn't. But you'll find out soon enough."

"What the hell does that mean, Dean?" Sam asked, temper beginning to rise. "We're her parents. If something's going on, we need to know."

"You will, Sam. I need you to trust me here, okay? You were right about those little shits at her school being nasty to her. But she didn't want you to know about that, and having it forced out in the open's really worn her out. Just give her some time to get past it. She can't handle having to deal with anything else right now."

"Dean, is she in danger?" Jess asked.

"I wouldn't keep that from you. No, she's not in danger. But she's made some stupid choices and she's scared if she tells you, you'll flip out. I just wanted to warn you guys. When you do find out, your first instinct's going to be to be hard on her. Don't do it. She needs to know you two love her no matter what. She's afraid of letting you down. Especially you, Sammy."

"Dean..."

"Just trust me, Sammy. I know you're not gonna want to hear this, but you tend to react just like Dad sometimes. I love the man, but you can do a lot better than that. Just don't overreact. If you do, you'll push Kayla away from you. Okay?"

"Okay, Dean. I'll trust you."

"Good. Now, do we have any good movie snacks?"

**Next chapter: Kayla gets her final report card, and she's failed the eight grade.**


	13. Chapter 13

Kayla sat on the sidewalk outside the school, seriously contemplating leaving and never coming back. She’d spent every day over the previous month hoping for a miracle. She’d worked harder than she ever had. But it hadn’t been enough.

For the first three days after the fight over Kayla’s journal, life had been as peaceful as it could be. Sam kept his promise to eat dinner with them, but Kayla was still feeling drained from the argument. She also knew that the peace would be shattered once she got her report card, whether or not she passed. If she did pass, it would be barely, and she’d have to see that look of disappointment on Sam’s face. Again. The one that deepened her resolve every time she saw it that he deserved better than her, no matter what he said. So she made the painful decision to pull away from him again, so that she wouldn’t be hurt by the impending argument and he wouldn’t be hurt worse.

A week after the argument over the journal, she started having flashbacks about Art. Vivid ones. Someone would accidentally bump into her in the hallway, and she’d think that Art was there, trying to take her away. Sam would ask her about school, and she’d see Art’s face, which led to another argument between them when she snapped at him to go away and leave her alone. She’d overslept for school one morning, and Sam had walked in and shaken her foot to wake her up. Kayla had been in the middle of a dream about one of the times Art had hurt her. When Sam had grabbed her foot, Kayla had scrambled up in bed, grabbing her pillow to put some space between her and him, before she realized that it wasn’t Art, but her father. After that night, Kayla had started making herself a pallet on the floor, setting her alarm for thirty minutes before her mother woke up and came to check on her, then getting back into bed, all so no one would really know anything was wrong with her.

A buzzing sound from her pocket broke her concentration. It was a text from Dean. Kayla cursed herself. It was 3:07, and she’d left her last class and gone straight outside.

_Your teacher just called. Where are you?_

_Sorry. I got my report card and left. _

_And?_

Kayla took a look at the card again, hoping the results had changed. But the note from her principal was still there at the bottom.

_Kayla has worked hard the last few weeks. Her grades have come up immensely. She can’t, at this time, be promoted to the ninth grade, but if she works that hard in the summer school session that the three of you choose, she should have no problem starting high school with her peers in the fall. _

Kayla’s phone beeped again. _Come on, kiddo. Tell me. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. _

_I failed, uncle Dean. _

_How bad?_  
  


_English 62, Math 59, Science 52, Social Studies 49, I passed my other two classes._

There was a long pause while Dean contemplated what Kayla told him. He finally answered her back _That’s more than twenty points better in each class than it was. Twenty points in a month, kiddo. That’s good. _

_Good? Dad’s gonna kill me!_

_He won’t. I promise. But if you want, I’m about four hours away. I can’t stay long, but I’ll come help you talk to him. _

Kayla was tempted by the offer. Very tempted. But as much as she dreaded it, she didn’t want to put off the conversation with her father. It would only make her more nervous and afraid. So, taking a deep breath, she answered back,

_I’ll be okay. If I’m not grounded until college, I’ll call you tonight. _

_Just trust me, kid. You’ll be fine. _

Kayla texted back a quick _K love you_ and put her phone away. She checked the clock. 3:30. She couldn’t hold off going home much longer before Sam would come looking for her. Her heart felt weighted down, but she walked home rather quickly. When she got home, Mary was just getting off the school bus.

“Kay’a!” Mary shouted as Kayla met her at the bus. “Look! I did it!”

“Did what?”

Mary nearly shoved her report card in her sister’s face. “I’m in the first grade!”

_Good job, stupid. You can’t even do the same thing as a kindergartener. _“Good job, baby.”

“Are you going to ninf grade?” Mary asked.

“We’ll see.” Kayla said, quickly ushering Mary across the road. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

When Kayla and Mary walked inside, Jess was standing in the kitchen, working on dinner. Kayla had barely closed the front door when Jess met them in the living room.

“Hey there, my new first grader and high schooler!”

“Look, Mommy! I did it!” Mary said, taking her report card back from Kayla and giving it to her mom.

“I’m so proud of you!” Jess picked Mary up and swung her around, making her laugh.

“Can I has some ice cream?”

“It’s a little close to dinner. How about two cookies? Then after dinner you can have ice cream.”

“Okay. Kay’a, you want cookies too?”

“Maybe in a minute.” Kayla said. “Why don’t you grab some for me?”

Mary walked to the pantry, and Jess finally saw the look on Kayla’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, you were half right. About having a first grader and a high schooler.” Kayla handed her report card over, a lump forming in her throat.

“What does that mean?” Jess asked, taking Kayla’s report card from her.

Kayla watched as the excitement that had been in her mom’s eyes when they got home slowly drained out. Jess was speechless for a full five seconds, the longest five seconds of Kayla’s life. Jess tried to recover quickly. She knew once she showed Kayla’s report card to Sam, she would have to work hard to make sure Sam kept his temper in check. Sam would never deliberately make Kayla feel bad about herself, but Jess had no intention of adding to it.

“This isn’t good.”

“I know.” Kayla whispered.

“What happened?”

“Can we wait till Dad gets home?” Kayla asked. “It’s a long story and I don’t want to tell it twice.”

“Sure.” Jess said. “Are you okay?”

Kayla hated herself for her wobbling bottom lip, sniffling, and the tears that immediately started falling, but she couldn’t help it. “No.”

“Are you scared of telling your Dad?”

Kayla shrugged. “Wouldn’t do any good.”

“Kay. It’s okay. We’ll work this out.” Jess said just as the front door was opening.

“Work what out?” Sam had come home, and was in the process of putting his shoes next to the door.

Mary came from the kitchen before Jess or Kayla could answer. “Daddy! Daddy! Look!”

“Oof!” Mary barreled into Sam and was shoving her report card into his face before he was even aware she was there. “What’s this?”

“I’m in the first grade!”

“You are? I’m so proud of you, my big girl!”

Kayla winced and turned to go to her room, only to be stopped with a touch to her shoulder by Jess. She pleaded with her mother silently to be allowed to leave, but Jess just shook her head.

“Kay? Where’s yours?” Sam asked curiously.

Kayla swallowed. “It’s right here. Mom has it.”

Jess handed Kayla’s report card to Sam, who read it over carefully, then read it again for good measure. Kayla watched Sam try to carefully control his emotions, just as Jess had done a few minutes earlier. Sam nodded somberly and handed the report card back to Kayla.

“We’ll talk about this after dinner.”

“Dad…”

“Kay. Not now. I need a little while to think about this. After dinner.”

Kayla nodded. “Okay.”

Sam could see the pain in Kayla’s face, the certainty she’d let him down, but he couldn’t do anything about it right then. He didn’t want to be angry with her. It felt like his predominant emotion lately. He would be angry with her about her attitude. He would be angry with her for not trying in school. He would be angry with her for not doing chores, or for making him repeat himself and tell her over and over to do her chores.

For all those things, Sam could get past it. No matter how angry it made him, he could deal with the teen attitude and the lack of effort in school and the chores. It was part of his job, as her father, to correct those things. But there was a deeper anger there, one he turned on himself. He had long since forgiven his father for the way he’d grown up, but he had made up his mind that his children would never experience the feeling of not measuring up for their father. No matter what happened, or what they did or didn’t do, he was determined his children would always know that their father loved them deeply and would die for them.

But that look of _I’m not good enough_ was blaringly obvious on Kayla’s face when she turned and went to her room. There was a slump in her shoulders and she was sniffing when she got to her bedroom.

A phrase from the report card kept blaring in Sam’s mind._ Kayla has worked hard the last few weeks. Her grades have come up immensely. _Kayla’s grades were all F’s. The progress reports he’d gotten from her school had been all C’s and D’s. If her grades had indeed ‘come up immensely’, and yet they were still F’s, how low had they gotten? Clearly, there was something going on much deeper than bad grades. Just how oblivious had Sam been this past year?

Dinner was a rather forced affair. He and Jess both worked to keep the mood light for Mary’s sake. Kayla talked to Mary about what to expect in first grade, and finally the moment of truth came.

“Mary, go play in your room for a while. We need to talk to Kayla alone.”

“Is she in trouble?” Mary asked, worried.

“It’s okay, Mary. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Mary said warily, and left to go back to her room.

Sam gave it a full ten seconds before saying anything. “Okay. Let’s talk about this. What happened?”

“I failed.”

“I know you failed. I want to know why.” Sam said, keeping his voice as level as he possibly could.

“Because I didn’t do all my work.”

“That brings me to my next question. Your principal wrote a note that your grades have come up a lot. The exact word he used was ‘immensely’. Every progress report you’ve given me this year has been high 60’s or low 70’s. Barely passing, but passing. If your grades have come up immensely, and you still failed, exactly how low did they get, Kay?”

Kayla shook her head, not wanting to answer the question.

“Kay, you’re not getting out of this one. How low did your grades get?”

“They were 20’s and 30’s a month ago.”

Sam was speechless for a moment, but he quickly got over it. “How the _hell_ were your grades that low?”

“Sam…”

“No, Jess. This is not okay. I want to know how the hell her grades were that low and her progress reports were saying they were twice and three times that.”

“I made a fake progress report, got you to sign the fake one, then forged your signature on the real ones.”

“Wow.” Sam said. “Wow

“Kayla, why would you do this? If you needed help, why didn’t you just ask me and your father?”

Kayla scoffed. “I didn’t need help.”

“You didn’t need help? Are you serious?”

“No, I didn’t need help. I failed because I didn’t go to school.”

“What the hell do you mean you didn’t go to school?” Sam asked, his voice rising slowly. “As far as your mother and I know, you’ve only missed three days this year.”

“I’ve skipped school. A lot.”

“Because of the bullying?” Jess asked.

Kayla nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

“How many days, Kayla? How many days of school have you missed?”

“Since November, forty.”

All Sam’s work at reigning in his temper went out the window. “Forty days?”

“Please. Don’t yell at me. I’m going to explain, just please don’t yell at me.”

“I think this deserves…”

“Stop.” Jess said. “Both of you. Sam, she’s coming clean, and you need to stay calm. I get you’re pissed off. I am too. But yelling won’t do anything except push you two into a fight. So I mean it. _Stay calm._ Got it?”

Sam was fuming, but nodded and folded his arms across his chest.

“Okay. Kayla, I know the bullying was bad. I understand that. But I made it clear to you that if you wanted to try something else like homeschooling, or changing schools, we would try it. Why didn’t you tell me if you wanted to do one of those things?”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference, Mom.”

“We don’t know that. And that still does not excuse you lying to us. Especially not on this magnitude. You were lying to us for months, Kayla. This isn’t something that we can just talk about and then let it go.”

“Do you know what really kills me about this?” Sam said, unable to keep quiet. “If you had worked as hard on your schoolwork as you did on hiding this from us, you probably would have passed. And even if you hadn’t…”

“I know I screwed up.” Kayla said. “I get it.”

“I don’t think you do.” Sam said. “I really don’t think you do.”

“I do.” Kayla insisted. “I do get it. I have worked hard the last few weeks, and I’ll work hard in summer school. I’ll make this up.”

“You’re damn right…”

“Sam. Stop. That’s the third time you’ve cursed at her today. No matter what she’s done, how badly she’s messed up, she has not spoken to you disrespectfully, and you will not do it to her.”

“I haven’t...”

“’What the hell’ twice and now ‘you’re damn right’. Two wrongs don’t make a right here.”

“Fine. Yes, Kayla, you’re right. You will make this up. At the minimum.”

“Kay, go sit in your room for a minute. Your dad and I need to talk.”

“Okay.” Kayla said, standing up. “I’m sorry. Both of you, I’m sorry.”

Jess started to say something, but Sam spoke first. “Tell me why I should believe that.”

“What?” Kayla asked.

“Why should I believe that you’re sorry?”

“Do you think I’m lying?” Kayla asked, hurt. “You think I did this to hurt you?”

“I don’t why you did it, Kay.”

Suddenly, Kayla didn’t care how disappointed Sam was. “I did this because I didn’t feel like I could come to you with what was going on in school. I did this because I didn’t want to discuss with my father, who I look up to and admire, the fact that I was the class slut and I’m not even in high school yet. I went through this all alone because I _didn’t _want to hurt you. I guess that means nothing, does it?”

“Kay…”

“I’m not done!” Kayla yelled. “You want me to be this perfect little kid who never makes mistakes. You go over them and over them and over them when I do, then when you do something wrong, you just expect everyone to forgive you.”

“I do not…”

“Enough!” Jess stood from the table and placed herself between Sam and Kayla. She pointed down the hall towards Kayla’s room. “Room. Now. We’ll finish this discussion in a few minutes.”

Kayla stomped down towards her room, slamming the door behind her. She was in enough trouble, so her father lecturing her about slamming the door was the least of her concerns at the moment. Her report card was still on the desk, a glaring reminder of how much of a failure she really was. That familiar, taunting, ugly voice in her head was going into overdrive.

_Stupid. _

_Failure._

_Worthless. _

Kayla normally said ‘shut up’ out loud to stop the bad thoughts. This time, she didn’t bother.

**Next chapter: Sam and Jess talk about what to do about Kayla’s grades. Kayla is shocked when she’s not grounded or spanked for lying to them, and she starts summer school. Her friend Tayler tells her about a party that she just ‘has’ to go to. **


	14. Chapter 14

Waiting was the worst.

Kayla was certain that having a choice about what would happen to her now was out the door. She’d lied to her parents for way too long for that to still be an option. There was a pit in her stomach, and she just hoped that she’d be able to leave the house or sit down comfortably before the end of the summer.

Thirty minutes later, after hearing bits and pieces of a rather spirited discussion from the kitchen, Kayla heard her mother call her back. _Just get it over with, _she tried to tell herself. Shaking slightly, Kayla too a seat back at the table. Sam was staring at her, to the point that Kayla squirmed in her seat and looked away from him.

“Before we tell you what we decided, I want to make sure we have something straight.” Sam started. “First off, I do not expect you to be perfect. I do expect you to be respectful, follow the rules your mother and I set out, and, what I didn’t really think was a problem until today, honest. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Second, I understand why you didn’t want to talk to me about the bullying. But I apologized to you for reading your journal. I meant that apology, and I’ve done everything I can to make it up to you. You said you forgave me for that. Did you lie to me about that too?”

Kayla squirmed at the _too_. “No. I didn’t.”

“I do not throw things back in your face like that. I’m mostly talking about your horrific attitude towards me and your mother throughout this year. You were punished for all that, and I told you I forgave you. I meant that. And I do _not _go over and over your mistakes, unless I think you're not learning from them. If I did, you would have been in your room this entire year. I think, and your mother agrees, that given what you've put us through this year, I've been infinitely patient with you. We have both made mistakes, and we've both done what we could to move past them. Do you disagree?"

_Not even a little_, Kayla thought. _You should've gotten rid of me a long time ago._

"Answer me, Kayla. Do you disagree?"

"No, sir."

"Is that settled? Is there anything else you want to say on that?"

"No, sir."

"Good. One more thing about your little outburst before you went to your room. Do not ever yell at me like that again. If you have something to say, you may say it politely, and if I interrupt you, you may hold up your hand and say calmly that you're not finished. I'm at my breaking point with your attitude and disrespect. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir." Kayla said.

"Now. One more thing. Do you understand why I'm so upset with you?"

"Because I failed school."

"No, Kayla. That has nothing to do with it." At her disbelieving shake of the head, Sam continued, "I'm not happy about that. But if you had honestly worked hard this year, you probably wouldn't have failed your grade. Even if you had worked hard and failed, I wouldn't have been angry. I would have gotten you help. Tutors, flashcards, your mom and I would've helped you study. I want to be very clear here. If you work really hard, as hard as you can, the number on that report card means nothing to me. It's knowing that you did your best to get it. Do you understand?"

"I think so." Kayla said. "It was lying to you and skipping school."

"Exactly. The lying's self-explanatory. But do you know why you can't skip school?"

"Because you don't know where I am?"

"Right. If we don't know where you are, and you get in trouble, we can't help you."

Kayla nodded her understanding, and Sam finally got to the part of the conversation she'd been dreading.

"Okay. Now, I think you know you're way past strike two with this."

"I figured."

"But, this time, your mother and I both agree about what to do. You're not getting grounded or spanked for this. _Yet._"

A stunned Kayla's mouth was hanging open. "What?"

"You heard me." Sam said, and couldn't help the amused little grin that came out. "You're not being spanked or grounded, but your mother and I are going to be watching you like a hawk."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we are watching everything you do. And I mean everything. One of us is taking you to summer school, and one of us is picking you up." When Kayla's mouth opened in protest, Sam added, "Think very, very carefully about the next words out of your mouth. I can always add a spanking, grounding, _and _watching you."

Kayla, wisely in Sam's eye, closed her mouth.

"I am going with you to your first day of summer school. I'm telling your teachers that I want a note from them spelling out exactly what your assignments were, and whether or not you have any homework. I'm also asking them to let me know if you leave class for any reason, how long you were gone, and what you said you were doing. You with me so far?"

_Would it matter if I said no?_ "Yes, sir."

"Okay. I'm not taking your phone, but you will text me a picture each day when you go to lunch, from the lunchroom, sitting at your table. I want another picture when you leave and go back to class."

_Overkill much?_ Kayla was dying to say, but didn't.

"I'm also reading your texts every night. I will have your summer school schedule, so if you're sending texts when you're supposed to be in school, other than to me or your mother, I _will _take it. And don't try to delete them either. I can track your texts, and I'll know."

Kayla inwardly groaned. Suddenly a normal grounding or spanking didn't sound so bad. Not sure what else to do, she raised her hand.

"What about talking to uncle Dean? Uncle Bobby? Grandpa?"

"You can talk to them after school. As long as your homework's done, and there's no problems at school, I won't restrict that."

"What about...other stuff?"

"Other stuff?"

"Can I hang out with Tayler?" Kayla asked timidly.

Sam and Jess shared a look with each other. They hadn't discussed anything other than school, mostly because Kayla didn't have very many friends. They came to a silent agreement, and Jess spoke for the first time.

"You can have Tayler over here for the first few days. After that, if you two want to do something out of the house, we will consider it. Assuming you've done well with school and all the other things we gave you to do. "

"Yes, ma'am. Is there anything else?"

"Not from us." Sam said. "Do you have any questions for us?"

"No. Can you write everything down? So I can keep track of it?"

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"Everything you just said. I don't want to forget anything."

Impressed with the thought, Sam immediately softened. "I know it's a lot. But what it boils down to is this. One, don't lie to me or your mother. Two, go to school. Three, give me every note your teachers give you to give me. Three, be respectful and do what we tell you to do when we tell you to do it. Four, ask permission before you do anything out of the house, and don't question us if say no. Easy enough?"

"When you put it that way, it is."

"I have one more question for you. I want an honest answer from you. No matter what you say, as long as it's the truth, you will not get in more trouble right now."

"What's the question?"

"Is there anything else you've done that your mother and I don't know about?"

Kayla was sure her heart stopped beating right at that very moment. Sam had told her once that a good lawyer didn't ask a question in court he didn't already know the answer to. He half joked that she should remember that, because if he asked her whether she did something, chances were he already knew the answer. Did he know about everything? She doubted it, but there was no way she was digging her own grave by telling him the truth. If he did know, she was already in trouble, and more on top of it wouldn't make much of a difference. If he didn't, she could work and gain back his trust and she'd be in the clear.

"Kay? Silence worries me, honey."

"There's nothing."

"You're sure?" Sam asked.

"Okay. Just one."

"What?" Sam asked, worried.

"I ate all your chocolate chip cookies last night." Kayla said. "I was worried about getting my report card and I started with one and I just couldn't stop."

There was three full seconds of silence before Sam burst out laughing. He didn't eat much junk food, but his guilty pleasure was chocolate chip cookies. He kept them in the top shelf of the pantry, away from the prying eyes and hands of the girls, even though one pouty bottom lip usually made him cave and share them. Jess was laughing too, and Sam patted Kayla's hand.

"I think I can let it go. This time."

"Thanks, Dad."   


"Why don't you get ready for bed?"

"I will." Kayla said. She stood up and started to go back to her room, before turning to her parents. "Hey Mom? Dad?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"Thanks. Both of you."

"For what?" Sam asked, surprised that she was thanking them less than three minutes after punishing her.

"For not exploding. Even when I do."

Sam nodded. "You're welcome. Bed."

"Can I help with the dishes?"

"Are you helping to suck up?"

"No. You guys have been really nice, and I want to return the favor."   


Jess shared another silent look with Sam. "Yes. That would be nice. Thank you."

Summer school turned out to be much easier than Kayla thought. There were only five students in her class, so she was able to focus much better. By the end of the first week, her grades were already coming back. The first summer school term was six weeks, and she was sure that, at the end of it, she'd be in high school.

The problem came _after_ school let out for the day. Tayler had been supportive for the first week, following all of Sam and Jess's rules carefully (no coming over until Kayla was done with homework, out by seven, and no coming over at all if Kayla had broken some kind of rule). Kayla was at lunch on her sixth day, studying for a math quiz she was about to take, when Tayler texted her.

_I'm so bored! There's no one here but my brothers! Can you come rescue me, PLEASE?_

Kayla laughed. _Sorry, no can do. School, you know._

_So ditch._

Kayla felt her temper rise at that. Tayler knew she couldn't cut school. _No, Tay. Sorry. _

_Why not? Don't you love me?_

_Because it's not your butt that's gonna get roasted on my dad's knee if I ditch. No. _

_Fine. _

_Tayler, come on. I can't. I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me. _

Tayler didn't respond, and it ruined the rest of Kayla's day. She couldn't concentrate, thinking that she'd gotten in a fight with her best friend. Her teacher, unfortunately, marked it on Sam's note home for the day. _Kayla was distracted after lunch, but did all of her work today. _Kayla was certain Sam would interrogate her about the note, and he did not disappoint.

"Why were you distracted after lunch?"

"I got in a fight with Tayler."

"How did you get in a fight with Tayler at school?" Sam asked. "Kayla, did you...?"

"Here." Kayla pulled her phone out of her pocket and showed it to him. "She texted me during lunch."

Sam read through the conversation, with Jess reading over his shoulder. "She tried to get you to skip school?"

"She asked me to, yes. I told her no."   


"Is that who you would skip school with?" Jess asked.

"Sometimes." Kayla answered.

Sam sighed. "Kay, if she's pushing you to do stuff you're not supposed to, I'm not sure how I feel about you hanging out with her."

"What?"

"I don't want her leading you to do worse."

"Please don't make me stop seeing her." Kayla begged. "Dad, please."

Sam looked over to Jess. "What do you think?"

"I think that she was asked to skip school and she didn't, and she deserves a lot of credit for that."

"I agree, but Kayla apparently hasn't always had the best judgment this year."

Kayla bit her tongue to keep from snapping at her father. _Hello! I'm right here! Please don't talk about me like I'm not!_ Kayla instead turned her eyes towards her mother. "Mom, please..."

"We'll talk about it, Kay. Go on to your room and start on your homework."

"Can I say something?" Kayla said. "I know I haven't 'had the best judgment', but can I please say something about it?"

"Sure. " Sam said.

"I know she's not the best friend. I get that. But like mom said, I didn't go with her. Now, I know you gave up...." Suddenly Kayla's mouth went dry. She hadn't said Art's name in months, and it was a colossal effort to push it out. "...Art for me. But you have other friends that you can go out and have fun with. I don't. Tayler's the one who told me not to trust Jana and Chloe. She didn't have to do that. She's the one who's stood up for me when people bullied me this year. She's the reason I didn't skip even more than I did. Please, please, please don't make me give her up."

Sam sighed. He hadn't even been thinking about Art here. He ran a hand through his hair and made the decision, handing Kayla back her phone.

"Type a text to Tayler or call her. Whichever way you're sure she'll get the message. Tell her that your dad saw the text where she asked you to skip school and went crazy. Tell her I said that if she ever asks you to do something against the rules again, and I find out, you'll never be able to see her again."

"Thank you."

"Go on. Type it and send it then let me read it."

"I'll do it, I promise." Kayla said.

"I know you will. Because you'll do it in front of me and let me see it or no Tayler. Your choice, Kay."

The eye roll was nearly impossible to stop, but Kayla somehow succeeded. She typed the message out. _Look, my dad saw the message about skipping school. He went completely nuts. Told me to tell you that if you asked me to skip school again I couldn't see you anymore. Please, Tay, don't do it again. I don't want to lose you as a friend. _Kayla showed Sam the message, who nodded in approval.

"I'm going to do my homework." Kayla said.

Kayla went down to her room, and couldn't help the small niggle of anger that was coursing through her. Sam's friend had hurt her in the worst way possible, and he'd refused to let Art go until Art left for good. Now that Kayla finally had a friend she could confide in, Sam expected her to give Tayler up. Sure, Kayla knew he didn’t know the whole story, but it didn’t feel fair. Tayler finally responded.

_Sorry I kinda shut down earlier. I went out with my brother and forgot to text you back._

_It’s okay. Sorry I couldn’t come. You’re not mad are you?_

_Nah. It’s okay. See you tomorrow night? Got something I want to talk to you about. _

_Let me ask. _Kayla went down the hall and asked for permission, not surprised when the answer was ‘as long as you do your homework first and she leaves by curfew’. _They’re fine with it. I’ll text you when my homework’s done. _

_Deal. Night, Kay. _

_Night. _

The next day, after getting a short reminder from Sam about not asking ‘Kayla to do something she’s not supposed to do’, Tayler was in Kayla’s room and bouncing off the wall with excitement.

“What is going on?” Kayla asked.

“My brothers are hosting a party next week. My parents and grandparents are out of town, and my aunt and uncle decided to go too. It’s gonna be so cool, Kay. You’ve got to come.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Come on, Dad!”

“There is no ‘come on, Dad’ here, Kayla! The answer’s no!”

“You and mom said you’d think about letting me do stuff. It’s been two weeks. I’ve gone to school every single day. I’ve done chores you told me to do and chores you didn’t tell me to do. I’ve done everything else you said. My grades are coming back up. I just want to go to Tayler’s for a sleepover.”

“Kayla, you just told me that there will be no parents there. I am not letting you go on a sleepover where there are no parents and only Tayler’s brothers.”

“Four of them are adults.” Kayla pointed out.

“Who I don’t know. The answer is NO. Now you can pick another _supervised_ activity, and Mom and I will think about it, or you can spend the night studying. What’ll it be?”

Kayla groaned in frustration and grabbed her backpack off the floor. “Fine.”

“Where’re you going?”

“I guess I’m going to study.” Kayla said. “Since I can’t do anything else.”

“Can it. And give me your phone.”

“You said I had to turn it in at bedtime!”

“You have to turn it in when I say you have to turn it in. That’s two. Give me your phone, Kayla. If I tell you again, you don’t do anything for a week.”

Kayla pulled the phone out of her pocket and gave it to Sam. “Here.”

“Thank you. Start on your homework.”

“I already finished it.” Kayla said.

“Let me see it.”

Kayla sighed, putting her backpack down and digging out her homework. She handed it to Sam and watched him go over it, then nod in approval.

“Okay. Good.”

“Thanks.” Kayla said, carefully putting her homework back in her folder. “Here’s your note.” Once Sam had the note in his hand, Kayla turned and went back to her room.

Sam was annoyed. There was no doubt about it. With the list of everything that Kayla had done, she had no right at all to be complaining with what he saw as reasonable restrictions. But when he saw Kayla head towards her room, a noticeable slump in her shoulders as if she was defeated, Sam called her back.

“Kay. Come here.” Kayla walked over, and Sam noticed her hiding tears back. He took a seat at the table and grabbed a cookie from the tray Jess had left on the counter. “Here.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Tell me something. Why is this sleepover so important to you? You and Tayler have slept over at each other’s houses a hundred times. I’ve said no before. Why this one?”

“I just wanted to hang out with Tayler.”

“There’s more to this. What is it?” Sam pushed.

Kayla sighed again. “It’s just the first chance I’ve had to hang out with anyone my own age where I’m not just the school freak anymore.”

Sam frowned, the words all too familiar for him. He remembered saying them to Dean what he was not much older than Kayla. _I don’t want to be the freak anymore, Dean! _“Kay, listen. I know you don’t believe me. I know you think I don’t understand what it’s like to be ‘the freak’ at school. But I do. I know it’s lonely, and I know it hurts. It hurts bad. I get it.”

“Yeah, right.” Kayla said.

Sam laughed lightly. “I do. And I’m sorry you’re going through that. I really am. But I swear to you, baby. Things won’t always be this bad.”

“Please, please, _please_ let me go.” Kayla begged.

“No. Not tonight.” When Kayla groaned, Sam laughed again. “Listen. Just listen. I do get it. And I’m not trying to stop you from having some fun. But I got news for you, Bug. You will never be able to go to a party that’s unsupervised as long as you live with me and your mother.”

“I said sleepover.”

“And I said no. It’s not been that long since I was a teenager, kid.” Sam said. “Once her parents are back in town, you can go to Tayler’s. Deal?”

“Deal.” Kayla answered half-heartedly.

“You want to go with me and Mary to the movie tonight?”

“To _Frozen 3? _No thanks.”

“You sure? You keep me company, you and me can do something together after I bring Mary back and put her back to bed.”

“No. I really should study. I’ve got another test coming up.”

“Okay.” Sam said. “I know I haven’t said it, but you’ve done really good with this. I know it’s frustrating.”

“Really?” Kayla asked.

“Really.” Sam said. “Keep it up, and in no time you can start all over.”

“You mean, you and Mom decided? On a new school?”

“Yeah. Pass summer school, and we’ll let you go to the high school near where I work.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome, honey. Go on and start studying. Let me know if you need some help.”

“Sure. Can I call Tayler and tell her I’m not coming?”

“Why not?”

Kayla took her phone back from Sam and headed down the hall towards her room. Her brain was spinning. She wanted to go to this party. There were going to be other kids there, kids of all different ages. Tayler had promised that no one from their school had been invited, so no one could drag up anything that might make her upset. Now she was expected to stay home. Her phone started to ring and Tayler’s name flashed on the screen.

“Hey.”

“Hey!” Tayler greeted her enthusiastically. “I was gonna text you, but I didn’t want your dad to see it. Did you ask him?”

“Yeah. I can’t come.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Yeah. Seriously.”

“That sucks! Didn’t you tell him it was a sleepover?” Tayler asked.

“I did. He didn’t believe me. Told me I could come over when your parents were home.”

“Look, I know I’m not supposed to do this, but…”

“I’m not breaking his rules, Tayler.” Kayla said.

“Okay. Okay. Forget it. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. Bye.”

When Kayla hung up the phone, she heard her mother and sister coming home from Mary’s dentist appointment. Jess took notice that Kayla was quiet, but didn’t say anything. She tried to ask Kayla what was going on once Mary and Sam were gone, but Kayla just told her the same thing she’d told Sam. She had to study.

Study Kayla did, but it had nothing to do with school. She studied one of the scrapbooks she’d taken from her parent’s room. It was pictures of her throughout her life. Kayla had never realized how much she smiled before. Before _it_ happened.

Kayla found it odd that she was even less able to think about Art now than she had been before. She also realized, sitting at the desk, just how much those few singular moments she’d had to spend with Art had wrecked her whole life. She didn’t trust anyone anymore. Not completely. Not even her own family. The only reason she even trusted Mary most of the time was because Mary wasn’t big enough to hurt her.

Kayla hated herself for that very reason. Art seemed to have taken everything that was good in her-any joy, happiness, or peace that she might have had at one time-and twisted it until it all felt ugly and mangled inside of her. Until _everything_ felt ugly and mangled inside of her. And no one could convince her that it wasn’t the case.

Then Kayla landed on another picture, taken the day her grandmother died. Kayla was standing in front of her grandmother, dressed in a green dress with a red lining, preparing for a grandparents day party. Kayla was smiling, and Leslie was leaning down to kiss her cheek. Leslie had just finished telling her how pretty she was in her dress, and was kissing her because the compliment had made Kayla blush. The memory helped Kayla make her decision. She had to break the cycle of staying in the house and reliving bad memories. She picked up her phone and called Tayler.

“Hey. Listen, I changed my mind.”

“Really? That’s awesome!”

“Yeah. I can’t come though until my parents go to sleep, so it’ll probably be really late.”

“That’s okay. We’re planning to go all night.”

“I don’t really have any party clothes. All my dresses are for like, special occasions and stuff.”

“I’ve got the perfect thing for you to wear. Don’t stress about that. Just get here, and you can change then. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Tayler.”

“Sure thing, kid. I’m proud of you. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Bye.”

Kayla hung up the phone feeling nervous, but not regretting her decision. Her parents went to bed every night around 10:30, and were always asleep by 11. She could slip out around 11:15 and be at Tayler’s by 11:25. Sam brought Mary back from the movie, good nights were said all around, and Kayla’s plan was on its way. She opened up her window and slipped out into the night.

Forty minutes later, Kayla remembered why she drank every time she had enough time to get away with it. She felt warm, like she was on top of the world. She was smiling, laughing, happy. Even Tayler noticed.

“You look…different.”

“Different how?” Kayla asked.

“Like you’re relaxed.”

Kayla shrugged. “Maybe I am.”

“Cool.”

“Come on, Tay. Let’s dance.”

“What?”

“I said, come on. Let’s dance.”

Tayler shrugged. “Sure, why not…?”

The two girls started to walk out to the backyard, where there was a few different kids from the area dancing. Just as they made their way out, the music suddenly stopped and the entire yard protested. One of Tayler’s younger brothers, Max, called from the back.

“What’s going on?”

When Kayla turned to investigate, her heart slammed to a stop in her chest. The music had stopped because standing next to the stereo, with the main power cord in his hand, was a shaking and very angry looking Sam Winchester.


	16. Chapter 16

**I didn't actually write out the spanking scene in this chapter. I just wrote the buildup and the immediate aftermath. Spanking scenes just aren't in my comfort zone.**

**The next chapters are about the week after Sam spanks Kayla for going to the party. I won't go into detail, but basically things get worse between Kayla and her parents from this point forward. I'm also considering extending this story past her being sent to John's, and Sam having to deal with some of the fallout from sending Kayla away. But I haven't decided on that yet.**

Kayla was certain her brain had quit working. She saw her father standing there, and knew she was in a place he'd expressly forbidden her to be, but all she could think to say was,

"What are you doing here?"

Had the situation not been so unbelievably out of control, Sam might've laughed at his own reaction. He actually choked. Kayla's question had left him speechless. Kayla found herself scared. Was her father actually losing his mind?

"What am _I_ doing here? That's funny, because that was going to be my question for you. You want to tell me what you're doing here?"

"Dad, please…"

"Go to the car. Now."

"I'll go, just please…"

Sam threw down the plug to the stereo and made his way across the yard to Kayla in two steps. Kayla had a thought to run, to take off as fast as she could down the street, but an angry Sam's legs worked much faster than her own. Just as she took a step to back up, Sam grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him to whisper in her ear.

"This is not a negotiation. You have ten seconds to get out to the car, or I will pull up the back of this dress and spank you in front of everyone here."

A horrified Kayla's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

"Try me. Go. Now. And God help you if you aren't in that car when I get out there."

"Okay. Okay, I'll go."

"Go." Sam repeated, and let her go. "Go straight there and do not look back."

Once Kayla was on the way to the car, Sam turned and addressed the rest of the crowd. "When I go back out to my car, I'm calling the police. Anyone here who's drinking and under the age of twenty-one would be wise to head home right now." Kids around the yard started heading for the exit, and Sam turned to Tayler and her three brothers that were still there. "You all need to stay away from my daughter."

"Mr. Winchester…" Tayler tried.

"No. It's over. I don't ever want to see you again. Understand?"

"I understand."

"I'm also calling your parents when I get home."

Sam headed towards the car, his hand on his cellphone. Kayla was sitting in the back passenger seat, back turned away from him as if she wanted to escape the entire situation. Completely void of any sympathy for her at all, Sam marched to the back door and knocked on it loudly, making Kayla jump so hard the entire car shook.

"Get in the front."

Knowing better than to argue with him, Kayla quickly switched seats. Before getting back in, she noticed Tayler standing at the edge of the yard, looking at her and waving. Kayla swallowed hard, having a bad feeling that her friendship with Tayler was over. She started to wave back when Sam barked at her.

"Get in the car! Now!"

Kayla jumped inside the car and slammed the door shut. She expected Sam to speed off, yelling at her the entire way home and possibly into the next morning too. What he did do was more horrifying than she could imagine. He pulled out his phone and dialed the police department.

"Hi. My name is Sam Winchester, and I'm at 453 Brookline Street. I just picked up my daughter from an unsupervised party where there was, at the minimum, underage drinking. I didn't see any drug use, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was." A brief silence followed, and Sam continued. "Yes, you can call me back on this number with any questions. I'll be up late, so you're welcome to come by my house if you need to as well. The address is 95 Sentinel Avenue. Thanks." When Sam hung up, he started to picket his phone before handing it to Kayla. "Text your mother and tell her you're okay. When I left the house, she was frantic."

"I've got my phone. I'll text her." Kayla said quietly.

"No. You won't. Give it here. It'll be a long time before you get it back. _If _you get it back."

"Can I please say goodbye to Tayler before we drive off?"

"No. You're done with her."

"I know. And I'm not arguing with you about it. I just want to tell her goodbye."

"I really don't give half a damn what you want right now. Why don't we start with the obvious question here, which is what in the hell you were thinking?"

"I told you earlier why I wanted to come."

"Why you wanted to come to the _sleepover_ you told me you were having. The one I told you you weren't allowed to go to."

"Yes, sir."

"So, not only did you blatantly disobey me, you also lied to my face. Again." When Kayla said nothing, choosing instead to look at the floor and anywhere but his face, Sam laughed bitterly. "You know, I would say I'm disappointed in you, but I feel like I've said that enough this year. Maybe I need to be more disappointed in myself."

"Why?" Kayla asked, though she had a feeling she already knew.

Sam put his key to the ignition, fully aware he was angry and striking out at Kayla for it. "Because I was dumb enough to think that maybe you'd changed. Buckle your seatbelt and text your mother like I told you."

Kayla texted Jess, and the ride for home began. It felt like a crawl at first. The two minute drive to home felt it took forever. After Kayla sent the text, she noticed her stomach start to feel queasy. When Sam hit a bump and it got worse, Kayla knew what was coming.

"Dad."

"Not now, Kayla."

"Dad, please…"

"I said not now! Are you in that much of a hurry for me to…" A retching sound made Sam slam on brakes. "Oh, for God's sake!"

"Sorry." Kayla whispered before throwing up again.

"Open the door and throw up outside, please." Sam said.

Kayla was ready to crawl into a hole and give up. She knew her father was mad. She didn't blame him. She'd screwed up royally, and while whatever happened to her didn't bother her, she hated hurting him. But this Sam wasn't the father she'd known since birth. That Sam wouldn't have gotten angry at her for being sick, no matter what caused it. He would have pulled over to the side of the road, gotten out of the car, and held her hair back so she didn't throw up into it, then comforted her and told her that she'd be okay.

Yeah, that wasn't happening tonight.

"Are you done?" Sam asked impatiently after a full minute.

Kayla exhaled hard against the nausea and nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Close the door and get back in."

When Kayla turned, her foot landed in the forgotten about vomit in the floorboard, and she groaned. She also found a slick, wet spot in her hair, and her eyes filled with tears, which she tried but failed to hide from her less than sympathetic father.

"What's the matter with you?"

"I threw up in my hair."

"You'll live."

"I'm sorry." Kayla said. "For throwing up in the car."

"I'll clean the car tomorrow."

Kayla hadn't thought it possible for her heart to hurt any worse than it already did. But the ride back to the house and the walk inside proved her wrong. Sam didn't look at her once. His jaw was set and he kept a hand on her neck, as if trying to make sure she wouldn't sneak off again. After Jess saw she really was okay, Sam ordered her to take a shower and come back into the living room in 'no more than a half hour or you'll know exactly what sorry is'.

As Kayla went to the bathroom and he started the discussion with Jess of how to handle this, Sam saw something that Kayla was trying to hide. She wiped her eyes as she closed the bathroom door, and Sam heard the sniffling as the shower started. He knew he'd be rough on her, but he was _done._ Just _done. _He could think of no better way to describe it. He knew Kayla was a teenager, and some stupid mistakes and bad attitude were part of the teenage package. But this had crossed a line to Sam. A line that he knew Kayla had crossed, and he knew Kayla knew she crossed it.

Kayla was thirteen. Barely even thirteen. And he'd caught her drinking that night, at a party with kids who were, at minimum, two and three years older than her. When he thought about what could have happened, had he not gotten up earlier in the night to check on Kayla, he shuddered. And if this happened at thirteen, what was going to happen when she was older? He was surprised when Jess agreed with his plan, and Kayla finally came out of the bathroom and walked the slow walk of a condemned man going to death row as she made her way to the couch.

_I'm sorry, Bug. But I can't be nice about this_, Sam thought to himself. _You're gonna kill yourself if I don't start being a lot tougher on you. Please don't hate me for this._

Sam delivered a speech that surprised even him. Why Kayla shouldn't drink, why she had to listen to him when he told her what she could and couldn't do, what could have happened that night at the party, and Kayla surprised him by not arguing with him or trying to beg and plead his forgiveness. It was the kind of speech his father used to give to him often about hunting, and Sam hated himself for delivering it. When it was over, Sam found himself still angry, unable to drop the feeling from earlier of not finding her in her bed and then finding her at the party.

"Do you understand what I just said to you, Kayla?" Sam asked. "Do you really get it?"

"Yes, sir."

"I'm going to make sure you do." Sam said. "Because your mother and I discussed something while you were in the bathroom."

"What was that?"

"We're making some changes. Big changes. First of all, like I told you in the car, your friendship with Tayler is over. Period. You are not to ever see her or any of her brothers again."

"Yes, sir."

"Second, from now on, you slip one toe out of line, your mother and I are both punishing you. Including for tonight."

Kayla gulped and nodded, suddenly feeling sick to her stomach again.

"You're grounded until further notice." Jess said. She'd let Sam do most of the talking. "Unless you're going to school or to the bathroom, you're in your room. Understand?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Kayla, do you remember me having that alcohol talk with you when you were about twelve?" Sam asked.

Kayla nodded again.

It was Sam's turn to feel sick to his stomach. He almost backed out, but swallowed the bile surging to his throat. It was time for drastic measures.

"Do you remember what I said I'd do if I caught you drinking before you turned twenty-one?"

As stoic as she'd been for the lecture, Kayla looked terrified. She had forgotten all about Sam's threatened punishment for underage drinking. Mostly because she'd never thought he'd actually do it.

"Dad…"

"What did I say, Kayla?"

"That you'd spank me for it. Hard."

"Spank you how?"

Kayla thought the car ride home had been painful. It was nothing. The spanking itself had taken less than five minutes, with Sam lecturing a little more and telling Kayla exactly what he was going to do. Kayla was certain Sam had put all his strength into it. Now, laying across her father's lap sobbing so hard she could barely breathe, it took nearly thirty full seconds before she realized Sam had stopped swinging the belt and was rubbing her back to try and soothe her crying. Kayla grabbed Sam's hand and tried to push it away.

"No."

"Kay, baby, it's over. It's over now."

"No. No, don't touch me. Let me go."

Kayla was too preoccupied with her own pain at the moment to notice the pain that crossed her father's face when she said that. All she could think about was getting away. All Sam could think about was holding her and trying to close a little of the gap between them. He released her legs, which were pinned between his, and Kayla immediately scrambled away from him. Out of habit, Sam reached out a hand and tried to wipe her face, but Kayla pulled back from him even further.

_Did I hurt her worse than I thought?_ Sam had to remind himself that he hadn't. He'd given her a thorough spanking with his hand for disobeying him and lying, but had only given her eight with the belt. He'd thought about the full thirteen he would've gotten when he was growing up, but decided against it. As serious as what she'd done was, Kayla had never been spanked with the belt before, and giving her what he and Dean used to call 'the full experience of hell'-pants and underwear down while the belt comes down like a sledgehammer-was just cruel.

"Kay…"

"Please just leave me alone. Don't touch me."

"Okay." Sam stood up and picked up his belt, and Kayla flinched away from him again. "I'm just picking it up. It's over, I swear."

"Please go." Kayla begged, still weeping. "Please just go."

"I will. But I have to tell you one more thing." He normally would've required that Kayla answer him with a 'yes, sir' before continuing, but she was still sobbing hard. "You heard what your mother said. You have to stay in your room this week. The only place you're going is school. I want you going straight there and coming straight back. If you're so much as five minutes late without a phone call, or you don't give me those notes from your teacher, you risk going through this all over again."

Kayla nodded her understanding, too scared to move to her bed.

"Okay. Get some sleep." Sam said.

When her father walked towards her bedroom door and finally closed it, Kayla climbed into bed on her stomach and pulled the covers over her. The awful spanking had released some of the pent up fear and anger she was feeling inside. Her head, throat, butt, and heart were all hurting at the same time. She craved some of the comfort that Sam had offered her before he left, but she couldn't leave her room to go out and ask for it. Mary had been sent to the neighbors for the night, so going down to sleep in Mary's room was out of the question too. She fell asleep in the pitch black of the night, consumed by pain inside and out, crying all alone in the dark.

A fleeting thought came to her as she drifted to sleep. One of the reasons she always picked a spanking as opposed to a punishment from her mother was that Sam always forgave her after it was over. Always. Her slate was wiped clean. True, this was big, and it was something he was likely to be upset about for a while, but after a spanking, she was always, always forgiven, and able to start fresh. The thought brought her little comfort, but she clung to it like a life vest.

_Everything'll be okay in the morning._


	17. Chapter 17

Morning snuck up on the Winchester house, finding it quiet and eerily calm. On a normal Sunday morning, Sam and Jess both would have been in the kitchen together, enjoying a couple of quiet hours together while Mary and Kayla slept in. This morning, the quiet was different. Sam had left as soon as the sun came up. He hadn’t slept the night before, the sound of Kayla’s crying keeping him from going to sleep. Jess had tried to stop him, but Sam didn’t listen. He needed to think.

His first stop had been to get his car cleaned out. He stopped at the car wash and scrubbed out his floorboards. There wasn’t too much to do, since Kayla had mostly thrown up on his rubber floor mat. As he ran a hose over the mat, he started to feel guilty for the night before. He remembered his first hangover. He’d been fifteen, and sick as a dog the next morning. Though his father had eventually punished him the same way he had Kayla for drinking underage, John had at least let him get over being sick first. Once the car was done, Sam decided to go to work and catch up on some paperwork. He texted Jess, not surprised when he didn’t receive an answer.

Sam didn’t fully understand why he was avoiding Kayla. It bothered him that she’d pushed him away the night before, but he’d done the same thing when he was her age. Even when he knew he’d deserved to be punished for something, he still resented it, and he’d hold it against John for hours, sometimes even days. Knowing that didn’t stop it from hurting, though.

Sam was stuck. They couldn’t keep going the way they were going. Kayla would be doing well for a few days, then would slip again.

_How stupid are you?_ Sam thought. _She was lying to you for a year. She was never ‘doing well’. _

As he sat at his desk, he got a text from Jess. _Kayla’s a little upset you weren’t here for breakfast. Come home and talk with her. Please?_ Sam shook his head. Kayla had pushed him away the night before, and now she wanted him there. He quickly texted back _I’m at work, be home soon_ then put the phone in his desk drawer. His paperwork gave him a blessed escape for a little while, but he wasn’t that far behind. An idea, in the form of a memory from a few weeks earlier, came to him as he bought himself a sandwich from the deli across the street.

_Dad got a new job in Washington, D.C., and he said everything would be better. _

_But it’s not better. It’s not home._

_ I miss uncle Dean and uncle Bobby and Grandpa. I feel jealous of Mary. When we moved, she was too little to really know what she was missing out on. _

Was that it? Was that the answer? Maybe sending her back to South Dakota for the summer, then letting her repeat her eighth grade year, could help ease the situation.

Except Sam knew that wouldn’t work. At least not permanently. While Kayla might do well with a change of scenery, she would eventually come home, and possibly go right back into the pattern she’d been in before.

_So maybe it shouldn’t be temporary. _

Sam pushed the thought away as quickly as it came. Sending Kayla away from home permanently was no solution. There had to be something else. Anything else. A compromise.

_That’s it. Send her to live with Dad, and just see how it goes. _

The thought crushed him. What kind of parent sent their child away from home for doing stupid stuff that teenagers would do anyway? But this wasn’t occasional stupid teenager stuff. He didn’t want to do it, but the idea just wouldn’t stoop pulling at his brain. Sam finally pulled his phone back out of his desk and dialed his father.

“Hey, Dad. How are you?” Sam only half listened to John’s reply, preparing himself for the real question. “Um, actually things aren’t all that good, Dad. I, um, I want to ask you something.”

As Sam was in his office, Kayla stirred in bed and opened her eyes slowly. She had slept without dreaming, the first night she’d done so in months. When Kayla looked at the clock, she panicked for a moment. It was 10:30. She was hours late for school, and Sam’s threat from the night before had her scrambling out of bed. Then she remembered. It was Sunday. Kayla breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn’t in trouble. Her parents were still letting her sleep in.

Kayla rubbed her eyes and started to sit up. The second that she made contact with the mattress, though, she shot off of it, saying to herself _ohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!_ She wasn’t still hurting from the spanking, exactly, but she could definitely still feel it. _I guess that was the point_, she thought, and wondered what exactly she should do next.

When her stomach rumbled, Kayla, without thinking, walked down to the kitchen. She was surprised she couldn’t smell any breakfast cooking. Normally, her mother would have a feast ready on the table. Today, nothing. Kayla wasn’t too concerned. Her parents were exhausted. Her parents were exhausted and it was all her fault. Kayla thought about making them breakfast, but she didn’t want to wake them. While she couldn’t make breakfast for them without waking them from their much needed sleep, she could still do something good and make breakfast for herself. Kayla pulled out the cereal, the milk and a spoon, and was reaching into the cupboard for a bowl.

“What are you doing?”

Startled by the voice she didn’t know was there, Kayla dropped the glass bowl in her hand and it shattered on the floor.

“Kayla, what are you doing out of your room?”

“I was just getting some breakfast, Mom. Sorry.”

“You were told to stay in your room unless you had to go to the bathroom.” Jess said.

“I didn’t know that meant meals too. It never did before.”

“Kay, just go back to your room.” Jess said. “I’ll bring your breakfast in there.”

“I’ll clean the bowl up.” Kayla offered. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ll get that. Just go.”

“Mom…”

“Go, Kayla. Now.”

“Okay.”

Kayla left and went back to her room, fighting the wave of disappointment. She had known better than to think everything was forgiven, but she hoped Jess was at least willing to be her mom again. Apparently, that was too much to hope for. Kayla heard the front door open and someone come inside, but before she could think of what to do next, something came flying into her room and slammed into her.

“What the…Mary?”

Mary, who was too short to reach her sister’s face, was trying to pummel every inch of her sister that she could get to-mainly her legs and stomach.

“Mary, stop! What are you doing?” Kayla grabbed Mary’s arms forcefully and pulled her away. “Stop it! What are you doing?”

“You scare me, Kay’a.” Mary said, and Kayla felt sick when she saw Mary was crying. “You scare me.”

“I scared you? When?”

“Daddy waked me up last night and said he couldn’t find you. Mommy was crying and Daddy just left me at Mrs. Jackson’s and nobody told me nothing…”

“Mary, Mary, come on, calm down.” Kayla said. “You said Mom was crying?”

“Yeah. She was scared something bad happened to you. Daddy woked up and you wasn’t in your bed.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, ‘cause you won’t here.” Mary said. “I’m always sticking up for you, why you do that, Kay’a? That was mean…”

“Mary, please, please listen to me.” Kayla said. “Please just listen.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. Okay? I’m really sorry. What I did was mean, and stupid, and I’m sorry. But please don’t be mad at me too, okay? I need you.”

“Need me? Need me for what?”

Kayla swallowed. “Mommy and Daddy are still really mad at me. I need you so I don’t feel…”

“Feel what?”

Blinking back more tears, Kayla answered, “Feel quite so alone.”

“You mean you’re lonely?”

“Yeah. A little.”

“Was Daddy really mad? Did he ‘pank you?”

Kayla nodded. “Yeah. He did.”

“And he’s still mad?”

“I think so.” Kayla said.

“Wow. You must have been pretty bad.” Mary said. “Okay. I won’t be mad at you no more. But no more running away. Deal?”

“Deal.” Kayla agreed. “Can I have a hug?”

“Yeah. You want’s ‘nuffle?”

“Maybe later. Come here.” Kayla grabbed Mary and hugged her tight, grateful to have at least one person in her corner.

“Here you go.” Jess had appeared in the hallway with a bowl of cereal and a glass of juice. “Here’s your breakfast.”

“Thanks, Mom.” Kayla said as Jess placed the breakfast on Kayla’s desk. “Hey, where’s Dad?”

Jess looked pained at Kayla’s question, but answered simply, “He went to get his car cleaned and he went to work.”

“But it’s Sunday.” Kayla said, her shoulders drooping in disappointment.

“Yep. It is. Go on, eat your breakfast.” Jess turned to leave, but Kayla called her back.

“Mom?”

“What is it, honey?”

“Are you still mad at me?”

“Yes. Yes, I am.” Jess said. “I really hope you never have to experience waking up in the middle of the night and not knowing where your child is. It’s not something I’m gonna be able to get over quickly.”

“I…What…what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want you to say or do. I just…I just need some time.”

“Time for what?”

“Before you and I can be okay again.” When she saw Kayla frown and turn away, Jess immediately felt guilty. What kind of mother held a grudge? “Kay, honey, listen…”

“Just go on, Mom. It’s okay. Take the time you want.”

“I just need some time, okay? I still love you. I do. But that’s why last night hurt so much. Do you understand?”

“I get it. I hurt you, so you’re getting me back.”

“No, honey, that’s not it…”

“Just go, Mom. Please.” Kayla said. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

All that Jess wanted to say was lost on her tongue. She wanted to explain to Kayla that she wasn’t trying to hurt her, that she just needed a time out for a day or two. But as Kayla sat gingerly at her desk chair, joined by Mary, who didn’t hesitate to throw a withering glare her mother’s way. She didn’t say anything to Jess, choosing instead to try and cheer up Kayla by telling her knock knock jokes she’d learned at preschool.

Jess went to the kitchen and texted Sam. _Kayla’s a little upset you weren’t here for breakfast. Come home and talk with her. Please?_ She didn’t mention the fact that it was actually _her_ who had upset Kayla the most. She decided she could tell Sam that when he came home. Wanting to fill the time, Jess cleaned the house from top to bottom, carefully avoiding Kayla’s room, except to take her breakfast dishes and bring her lunch. Mary refused to come out of Kayla’s room.

Sam finally came home around dinnertime. He sheepishly opened the door and walked in, not quite knowing what to expect. It was bizarre for Jess to see him come home out of his work clothes. It only served to underscore exactly how out of the ordinary it was for him to be gone in the first place. An exhausted Jess, with nothing left to do, was sitting on the living room couch staring ahead into space.

“Hey. How’d it go today?”

“As well as it could.” Jess said. “It took you all day to get your car cleaned and some paperwork done?”

“Jess…”

“All day, Sam.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Sam said. “I needed to do some thinking.”

“About what?”

“Can I sit?” Sam asked, and Jess just shrugged. Sam took his seat and exhaled, trying to prepare himself for the fight he expected to come. “I talked to my dad today.”

“Okay. About what?”

“Kayla. About everything. And I wanted to ask him something. A favor.”

“What favor?”

“I asked him if he’d be willing to let Kayla live with him for a while.”

“You…you asked him what?”

“Whether he’d be okay with us sending Kayla to live with him for a while.”

“And you’re asking me what? Am I okay with that?”

“Basically. Yes.”

“Have you lost your mind?” Jess asked, incredulous. “Why would you ever think I’d agree to that?”

“Jess, please just hear me out…”

“No. The answer’s no, Sam. Not now, not ever. I am not sending my child away from home. Got it?”

Sam sighed. “Please, Jess…”

“Sam, I heard you out last night while Kayla was in the shower. Now you hear me. If you keep pushing me to send her away from this house, the one that’ll be moving is me, and I will be taking both girls with me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yeah. I got it.” Sam said.

“I can’t believe you’d even suggest that.” Jess said, standing up and heading to the kitchen. “I’m going to start on dinner.”

“Jess…”

“Go talk to your daughter, Sam.”

Sam gave up the fight, knowing that Jess was too wound up now to continue talking to. He took a deep breath and headed down the hall, where he heard Mary and Kayla playing some kind of game. Both girls were sitting on the floor, across from each other, engaged in a staring contest that ended quickly when both exploded in a fit of giggles.

“Hi, girls.”

“Daddy!” Mary jumped up and ran to her father. “You’re home!”

“Yep, I’m home. Why don’t you go and help Mommy with dinner?”

“Kay’a? You be okay?”

Kayla smiled, beyond grateful to her little sister for the company. “Yeah. I’ll be fine. Thanks, Mary.”

“Okay. I’ll go now. Loves you.”

“Love you more.”

Once Mary was gone, Kayla looked up at her father and smiled awkwardly. “Hi, Dad.”

“Hi. Your mom said you were a little upset I wasn’t here this morning.”

“Not really. I just thought we were having breakfast together.” Kayla explained.

“I see.” Sam said. He was finding it very awkward to have a simple conversation with his own daughter, and it bothered him to no end.

“Hey, Dad? Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Well, when I failed school, you told me you or Mom was going to take me to school and pick me up everyday. But last night, you said I’d get in trouble if I was late coming home, I’d get punished again.”

“Right.”

“So, am I walking to school, or are you and Mom taking me and picking me up?”

Sam was impressed. He hadn’t even spotted the inconsistency in what he’d said to Kayla. “I didn’t think of that.”

“So? Which one?”

“We’ll take you and pick you up.” Sam said. “Nice job spotting that.”

Kayla smiled, the little bit of praise lighting up her face. “Thanks.”

“Listen, Kayla, I owe you an apology.”

“For what?”

“I shouldn’t have punished you last night. Not before I was ready to let this go.”

Kayla’s heart plummeted. This conversation was sounding very familiar.

“So I just want you to know. Mom and I need a couple days to take a time-out.”

“Yes, sir.”

“It doesn’t mean we don’t care, or that we don’t want to talk to you…”

“Mom already had this conversation with me. I get it. I won’t bother you two while you’re taking your time out.” Kayla said, standing up and going back to her desk.

“Kay, just listen to me, please…”

“Listen to what?” Kayla asked, finally losing her fight to keep her composure. “You and Mom tell me how much of a screwup I am? Like I don’t already know that?”

“Kayla, think about it. Every time we think we know what you’ve been up to, something else comes up. We get one problem solved, another one comes up. Can you really tell me, one hundred percent, that anything you tell us about how far you’ve come is true? That we should believe you?”

Kayla shrugged in frustration. “I guess not.”

“I just need you to give us a few days. You can still come find us if something happens. You can talk to us if something’s really bothering you. We’re still your parents, you’re still our kid. I’m just asking you for the same amount of patience I feel like we’ve given you.”

_So I can come to you if something’s bothering me, but you want me to give you some space so you can get over this? How does that work exactly? _“Yes, sir.”

“Okay. Mom’s working on dinner. One of us will bring it to you.”

“Yes, sir.”

“After you eat dinner, take your shower then you can stay up for a little while. I want you in bed by your normal time, okay?”

“Yes, sir.”

Sam sighed. “Kay, please. This isn’t forever.”

“Yes, sir.”

Sam stood up and took a look at Kayla before leaving. He couldn’t quite decipher the look on her face. It was as if every emotion was drained completely from her face. Sam needed the time he’d asked Kayla to give them, but he didn’t know how to convince Kayla of that without having her think that it meant they didn’t care for her. _I’ll just have to deal with it later. _

When Sam was gone, Kayla felt every bit as empty as Sam had guessed. Kayla walked to her bed and pulled something out that she hadn’t used in quite a few months. Underneath the bed was a spiral bound notebook, labeled ‘Kayla Ellen Winchester, Grade 2 Journal’. She’d pulled it out of her parents closet after the first time she’d been hurt by Art. She’d recorded all the actual details of what had happened to her inside it. Each and every time Art had touched her was written inside that book. Dates, times, places, what happened right before and right after, her feelings about it. She’d stopped writing in it when Art moved away, but decided that maybe she should start it up again. Kayla grabbed a pencil from her desk, flipped to the first empty page, and made the first entry she’d needed to make in a long while.

_They teach us at school and at home about ‘stranger danger’. What they don’t tell you is that it’s the people you know who can hurt you the most. _

_I remember when I was little, and Dad would tell me that I could always tell him anything. It didn’t matter what it was, I could tell him anything and he’d always love me. I think he thinks I don’t remember, but he made me a promise that he’d always hug and kiss me in the morning and before I went to sleep at night. I haven’t wanted those hugs and kisses lately, because I'm scared to death of what might happen to me if I'm not in control of my own body. But I thought he’d at least be around to tell me he loves me. _

_The only time he’s said that lately is after he spanked me last night. _

_I know I haven’t said it to Mom or Dad much lately either. But I always thought you were supposed to love someone, and show them you love them, even when they’re not very lovable. When they don’t deserve it. Like me right now. _

_Guess I was wrong._

_I drink because when I do, I don’t feel so empty inside anymore. For at least a little while, I don’t exactly feel happy, but I don’t feel so worthless. I just wish I knew how to say that out loud. I know drinking’s wrong when I’m as young as I am, but it’s the only time I don’t hurt inside. _

_I thought when I went to the party about just walking past Tayler’s and walking as far as I could and never coming back. Maybe I should’ve done that. _

_It’s like he doesn’t know what to do around me anymore. I know that’s mostly my fault. Hiding this about Art has gotten into every bit of our relationship. But I just can’t tell him. I can’t do it. I haven’t even said anything to anyone about what Art really did, and it’s already tearing everything apart. What’s it going to do if I do tell the truth? _

_I want my life back. I’m thirteen. I want to be thirteen. Why does that feel so impossible?_

_I need to think this week about how to get my Mom and Dad back. I need to come up with a plan. I just want them to love me again. Really love me, not just feel obligated to tell me they love me. I already know I won’t sleep tonight, so I’ll start working on this then. _


	18. Chapter 18

If Jess could have one wish, it would be to go back in time four years.

Mary would be a baby, her mother would still be alive, Kayla would be in the fourth grade, she and Sam would be in a good place in their marriage, and her life would be the most perfect it had ever been.

For the second night in a row, Jess had gone to bed without saying anything to Sam. The mood in the house had turned sour. Jess had refused to talk to Sam after his suggestion to send Kayla to John's, which made Sam irritable, which made him snap at her and both girls, which made the whole house miserable. Monday had barely been a functioning day. Jess took Kayla to school, spent the day with Mary and doing various chores around the house, then went to pick up Kayla at three and start making dinner.

Tuesday had been the same. As Jess put up the dinner dishes, she heard Kayla in the bathroom taking her shower. Jess sighed as she turned and headed to her room. She knew that she was avoiding Kayla, and she knew it couldn't continue. But every time she looked at Kayla, she thought of waking up that night, three days earlier, to Sam shaking her and telling her that Kayla wasn't in bed and he was leaving to go and search for her. Thinking that would bring up anger, and Jess didn't want to burden Kayla with any of her own anger.

She knew Kayla felt guilty. She knew Kayla was sorry. But something, something that Jess couldn't quite identify, was keeping her from completely restoring her relationship with Kayla.

Sam was already sleeping. The night before, he'd tried to talk to Jess again about sending Kayla to John's, only to have Jess leave the house and get a room in town. Sam had texted her three times, only giving up at three in the morning when Jess angrily told him to shut up and leave her alone 'so someone will be there to take care of our children tomorrow'.

What Jess hadn't told Sam the next day was that she was starting to see what he was trying to tell her. She still didn't agree with sending Kayla away semi-permanently, with no set date for coming back home. When Jess tried to put herself in Kayla's shoes, and imagined being told that she was being sent away from home with no way to tell when she'd be back, it only made her feel hurt and angry. But, Jess reasoned, if they set a time limit, maybe just for the rest of the summer, there was a better chance Kayla wouldn't take it so hard. Jess yawned and laid down to go to sleep.

_The emergency room was eerily quiet. Jess had been to them a few times before, and they had always been chaotic and noisy. Once when she was fifteen after hitting her head on the corner of a cabinet hard enough to cause a concussion. Again, when she was twenty-two and pregnant with Kayla and cramping. She'd brought Kayla at age two when she had gotten a fever that wouldn't go away. She'd come when she was six months pregnant with Mary and couldn't feel the baby kick anymore. Then, the next time, she'd come to see her mother, who had never made it out of the hospital._

_Five times in thirteen years she'd been to the emergency room. It scared her every time, but she'd never really panicked about it. Not until now._

_Sam was pacing the waiting room. He was frantic, more so than Jess had ever seen him. It had been Sam who found Kayla in her bedroom just forty-five minutes earlier. The scream he'd let out of 'Jess!' had chilled Jess to the core. The next half hour had been a blur of standing over Kayla's lifeless body, giving her CPR and urging her to wake up and 'talk to us, please honey, just wake up and talk to us'. The paramedics had rushed in, scooped up Kayla and driven her to the hospital, where they were at the moment.  
_

"_Sam, would you please sit down?"_

_Sam stopped and stared at Jess incredulously. "Sit down?"_

"_Yes. It won't do any good to panic. Just…sit down. Please. Just sit down and be with me?"_

_Jess's quiet plea made Sam finally calm down. He sat next to her and grabbed her hand, all the animosity of the previous two days forgotten as they thought about Kayla just a few feet away in an exam room. Jess couldn't help but wish that Kayla would fight for her life, but she knew it wasn't likely._

"_Did we do this to her?"_

"_What?" Sam asked._

"_Did we do this to her? Did we drive her to it?"_

_Sam swallowed. "I don't know."_

"_I just keep thinking about the last week. It all seems so unimportant now."_

"_I know what you mean." Sam said. "I wouldn't have wasted it like that if I knew…"_

"_We can't think about that." Jess said. "We just have to do better when she wakes up. Tell her everything we should have told her."_

_Sam shifted uncomfortably. "Honey…"_

"_She'll make it. She has to make it."_

"_Jessica."_

_The waiting room seemed to melt around Jess until she was left in pure darkness. There was no one else around, but Jess sensed she wasn't alone._

"_Jessica. Turn around, sweetie. Don't be scared."_

_Jess turned around and smiled. "Daddy!"_

"_Hi, baby."_

_Jess forgot, for one glorious moment, about what things were like at home. She embraced her father, feeling like a child once again, safe because her daddy was here. Nothing could go wrong with him around._

"_Daddy, what are you doing here?"_

"_I just had a feeling you needed me. How are things going?"_

_Jess sighed. "Not good."_

"_I know."Lloyd took Jess by the hand. "Do you remember when you were little and I'd take you on a walk?"_

"_Of course I do."_

"_Why don't we do that now?" Lloyd suggested._

"_I can't. Kayla…"_

"_Kayla will be okay for now. I need to talk to you."_

"_Sure. Let's go." They walked in silence for a few moments, before Jess finally asked the question. "You're here to talk to me about Kayla, aren't you?"_

"_Yes."_

_Jess felt her throat ache. "Is she gonna make it?"_

"_That's up to you, honey."_

"_What does that mean?"_

_Lloyd stopped walking and turned to face Jess. "Let's sit."_

"_Sit where?" Jess asked._

_The background around them changed again. They were in an unfamiliar house, and it was early in the morning. Suddenly a woman, one that Jess knew but took several seconds to recognize walked in. She was very pregnant, and struggling a bit to get around in the kitchen._

"_Is that…Mom?"_

"_Yep. And you down there in her stomach."_

"_But that must mean, this is…"_

"_Hi, Mommy!"_

_The much younger Leslie turned and smiled at the little girl in the doorway. "Hi, Katie! How'd you sleep?"_

"_Good."_

"_You hungry?"_

"_Little bit." Katie said. "Can I give you and Jessy a hug?"_

"_Jessy?" Jess asked._

"_It's what she called you." Lloyd explained. "She was determined to help take care of you."_

"_Wait. Mom looks about eight months."_

"_Nine."_

"_Does that mean…this is the day that…?"_

"_Yes. This is the day your sisters were killed."_

"_Why are you showing me this?" Jess asked, as Katie was giving her mother and unborn little sister a hug._

"_You need to see it. Just trust me, honey. You won't see all of it. Just what's important."_

"_Okay, Daddy."_

_Jess watched as Lloyd joined Katie and Leslie, and later her sister Layla. Jess had seen pictures of her two older sisters, but never met them in person. She watched her mother pick up the breakfast dishes and place them in the sink, then reluctantly leave them when her father insisted on it._

"_You're two weeks away from having this baby. I'll do the dishes when I get home."_

_At just that moment, the phone rang. Lloyd answered it and groaned when he hung up. Jess watched Lloyd tell Leslie that he needed to go out of town for the day, for a case that he was helping with in another city._

"_I'll be back tomorrow, and I'll be home all day. I mean it. No housework. Call me if you need me."_

"_Fine. Go." Leslie insisted. "The sooner you go, the sooner you can come back. Go kiss the girls."_

_Lloyd left, and Jess watched as her mother struggled to care for two active three year olds. Finally, after lunch, Leslie took the two of them outside to play. The mailman came up, and Katie and Layla started begging._

"_Please, can we go get it?"_

"_Fine. Just be careful, okay? Hold each other's hand, grab the mail, and come straight back."_

_The scene shifted again, and they were inside a hospital waiting room. Leslie was pulling in shaky breaths while Lloyd attempted to calm her down. A doctor came out and talked to the two of them. Jess couldn't hear what exactly was said, but her mother's wail made it clear what had happened._

"_They just told you?"_

"_Yeah. They did. That was the worst moment of mine and your mother's life."_

"_Daddy, I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Jess said. "I can't even imagine…"_

_The bizarreness of the situation came to Jess again. She was talking to her father, who'd been dead since before Kayla was born. She was looking through things that had happened long before _ _ **she** _ _ was born. She had been so caught up in it that she had forgotten what was going on in her own life. Lloyd seemed to sense her thoughts, and brought her back to reality._

"_What are you trying to tell me, Daddy?"_

"_Jess, I know what Sam suggested about Kayla."_

"_What do you mean?"_

"_I think you know you're dreaming." Lloyd said. "You have to know this isn't real."_

"_I guessed. But what do you mean what Sam suggested…"_

"_Baby, you have to let Kayla for a while."_

_The memory of Sam asking about sending Kayla away to John's came back to her. "No. I can't do that."_

"_You have to. Jess, there's something much deeper going on here with Kayla than just misbehaving. I think you know that."_

"_I thought so. But I don't know how to get her to tell anyone what it is."_

"_Kayla doesn't know either. She doesn't know how to talk about it either. But what she needs is a change. A change in scenery, a change in her life. I know that sounds like a lot. And I won't lie, baby girl. It's gonna hurt like hell. For both of you. But it'll keep this from happening."_

"_Keep what from happening?"_

"_I've got to go now, honey. Just remember. Let Kayla go for a while. She will be safe where she's going. It won't be forever. She'll come back to you. But you have to do it, honey. You have to start the process right now. It's all up to you."_

"_Daddy, please don't go." Jess said. "I miss you so much. You and Mom."_

"_Your mother's fine. She spends her days with your sisters, playing with them. You'll see her again one day. Hopefully not for a long, long time, but you'll see her."_

_Before Jess could say anything else, Lloyd left and Jess was back in the waiting room with Sam. A doctor was approaching them, and Jess got a sinking feeling in her heart. There was blood all over the doctor's scrubs, and he wasn't smiling._

"_Mr. and Mrs. Winchester?"_

"_Where's our daughter?" Sam asked immediately, and Jess felt him squeeze her hand tightly._

"_I'm sorry, sir. When Kayla came in, she wasn't breathing and she had lost way too much blood. We tried for over thirty minutes to resuscitate her, but her injuries were just too extensive. I'm sorry, but your daughter died."_

_The air had been sucked out of the room. Jess was sure of it. Because when she took a breath after the doctor told them that Kayla had died, there was nothing but pain. The doctor was saying something else, but Jess didn't hear it. Sam eventually stood and tugged on Jess's wrist slightly, leading her into the room where the doctor led them._

_Kayla was still on the gurney. She'd been cleaned up, all the blood that had been on her wrists when they'd found her washed away. She was pale, like she was sick with the flu and was just sleeping. She was still in the same clothes Jess had seen her in not four hours earlier, when bringing lunch to her room. Thinking on Kayla's last words to her, Jess was momentarily tempted to follow her._

"_Mom?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I love you. I always have and I always will. You know that, right?"_

"_Yes. I do. Now eat your lunch."_

"_Jess?" Sam said. "Jess, we have to say goodbye."_

"_Why didn't I just tell her, Sam?"_

"_Tell her what?" Sam asked._

"_She told me she loved me. Her last words to me were 'I love you. I always have and I always will.' Why couldn't I just say it back to her?"_

"_Jess, it's not your fault…"_

"_She just wanted me to talk to her." Jess said, before reaching down to touch Kayla's cheek. "She still feels warm."_

Jess shot up in bed, gasping for air. She was out of the bed and headed down the hall before she fully realized that it had been a dream. Being in the emergency room, finding Kayla in her bedroom, seeing her father-none of it had been real. But it had still been too real for Jess's taste. She came to Kayla's room and opened the door slowly.

Kayla was sleeping, curled up in the corner of the bed holding onto her teddy bear. She looked so young, so sweet, so innocent that Jess could've sworn she was five years younger than she actually was. Jess took a tentative seat on the edge of Kayla's bed, watching her sleep for a long moment. She reached over and pulled down part of Kayla's blanket, breathing a sigh of relief when Kayla whimpered and pulled it back to her.

"Mommy's so sorry, my baby." Jess said. "I'm so sorry. I love you so much."

She stayed with Kayla a few minutes, then went back to her own room. She knew what she had to do, the scene from her dream playing over and over in her head. Fearing that Sam would think she was crazy for her reasoning, she decided not to tell him about the dream. When she got back to her room, she found him already awake and looking for her.

"Hey. You okay? Where'd you go?"

"Call your dad." Jess said simply.

"What?"

"Call your dad. First thing tomorrow. Tell him we're sending Kayla to him."

"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "I thought you were against this."

"Just call him, Sam. We can talk more about it later, just call him."

"Okay. I'll do it." Sam agreed.

"We wait a couple days to tell her. We take her out to dinner first, tell her it's not a punishment. It's just a way to start fresh."

"Okay."

"It's not permanent. You hear me? This isn't permanent."

"I never wanted it to be." Sam said. "Jess, I don't want this. But I really feel like it'll help."

"I know. I just need a day or so to get used to it."

"Works for me." Sam said. "Jess? We'll be okay. All of us. Kayla too."

"Yeah. I know. I know we will. Just…make the call, Sam."


	19. Chapter 19

Kayla had done some stupid things before. But tonight had, by far, been the stupidest.

Things had gotten no easier at home. The only things her parents had said to her all week were commands. Get up for school. Get dressed. Do your homework. Give me your note from school. Go to bed. Get your shower. Eat your breakfast. Eat your dinner. It was repetitive and annoying, but Kayla put up with it in the hope that things would change.

In her effort to do things exactly as her parents had laid them out, however, Kayla had done something monumentally dumb that afternoon. She’d been studying for a test the next day, and she’d sent Mary to the kitchen to fetch her sodas to keep her awake. Kayla tried to ignore the fact that if things were normal, her mother would have had a heart attack over her drinking so much soda.

It had hit all at once. Kayla had to go to the bathroom. Bad. But every time she’d left her room in the last few days, her father had told her to go back. That was it. Every time. Go back to your room. So, Kayla had decided, the best way to combat that was to not leave her room without permission.

Easier said than done, because she’d waited so long to get permission to leave her room that she’d wet her pants.

She knew she couldn’t wait anymore. So Kayla had quietly gathered a change of clothes, gone to the bathroom, cleaned up and was heading back to her bedroom when it happened.

“Get back to your room.”

Fueled by embarrassment at what had just happened, Kayla’s blood began to boil. She’d done exactly what she’d been told all week. And for that, she’d gotten frozen out by both her parents, bossed around like a robot, and ignored every time in between. Kayla saw Sam standing there looking at her, waiting to see if she’d follow the instruction, and she snapped.

“I was just going to the bathroom!”

Before she knew what happened, Sam had grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. He’d bent her over and swatted her hard five times on the seat of her pants. The pants she’d just changed into because she was so scared to leave her room to even go to the bathroom. Sam hadn’t even bothered to try and comfort her this time, just gripped her arm hard and spoke low into her ear.

“I’ve had it. I’m done with this. Get to your room and stay there _now._ Am I understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla had said through her gritted teeth.

When Sam let her go, Kayla had seen something in his eyes. Something she couldn’t quite place. Was he sorry for losing it with her over something so incredibly stupid? Did he want to say he loved her but realized he’d been acting like a jerk all week and didn’t know if she wanted to hear it or not?

_I do, Dad. Come on, say it. Please say it._

Did he want to confirm Kayla’s worst fear, that he hated her and didn’t want her anymore?

“Go on.”

_That’s it?_ Kayla thought. _All week and that’s all you’ve got?_ Kayla walked back to her room and climbed back onto her bed, seriously considering just giving up. Not trying to do what her parents told her, not trying to make them happy, since apparently she couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe she should just walk out the front door, keep walking, and never come back.

“Kay’a?”

Kayla jumped. “Hey, Mary.”

“You okay? I seen Daddy ‘pank you again.”

_Great. Wonderful. I screw up again and this time Mary gets to witness it. _“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Why you so sad?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You sad.” Mary said, walking inside and climbing up on the bed with her. “You sad all the time.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. You been sad for a long time. Why?”

Kayla swallowed. “I don’t know.”

“You lying to me, Kay’a.” Mary said. “Why you sad?”

“I’m not, Mary.”

“I not gonna stop asking till you tell me.”

Kayla sighed. “Okay. I’ll tell you. But you can’t say anything to anyone.”

“Tell me. I won’t say nothing.”

“I’m sad because I don’t like myself.” Kayla said.

“You don’t like yourself? How come?”

“I just don’t like myself. I don’t think I’m a good person.”

Mary didn’t hesitate, climbing onto her knees and grabbing her sister around the neck. “You is a good person. You’re the bestest big sister in the whole world.”

“Mary…”

“I not done. You’re really smart, you funny, and you takes good care of me even when you don’t have to.” Mary said. “You’s a good person, Kay’a. I think that even if you don’t. Okay?”

_Don’t cry, _Kayla kept thinking. _Don’t cry. _Kayla was so used to being critical of herself that hearing anything nice about herself made her want to well up. She returned Mary’s hug. Mary was patient, letting Kayla hold her as long as she needed to, hoping that it made her feel better.

“Thanks, Mary.”

“You feels better?”

“I do.” Kayla said.

“Okay. Your homework done?”

“I finished it a few minutes ago.”

“Come on, let’s play a game.”

While Mary pulled out Candy Land from Kayla’s closet, where she’d brought it the day before so that Kayla wouldn’t get bored, Sam was walking away from Kayla’s door. He’d felt guilty for what happened in the hallway, but was debating whether or not to apologize for it. When he’d walked up, he’d seen Mary on Kayla’s bed, giving her a tight hug, and he’d watched them closely for a minute.

Mary had made it very clear, without expressing it directly, that she thought her parents were treating Kayla unfairly. She refused to eat breakfast or dinner with them, taking her food every time to Kayla’s room and eating with her. She stayed in Kayla’s room with her until it was bedtime, and two out of the three nights since the party, Jess had found Mary sleeping in Kayla’s room.

“Sam?”

  
Jess had come home from running errands. “Hey.”

“Hey. What are you doing?”

Sam sighed. “I got into it with Kayla again.”

“What happened?”

“I told her to go back to her room and she snapped back at me.” Sam said simply.

“This is getting out of hand.” Jess remarked. “I feel like I don’t even know my own kid anymore.”

“I know.”

“Are we doing the right thing?” Jess asked. “Sending her to your father’s?”

“I don’t know.” Sam answered honestly. “I really don’t. But I think it’ll be good for us and for her.”

“How? How will it be good for her? What are we telling her by sending her away from home? What kind of message does that send to her?”

“We have two options. She stays here and things stay the same. Or she goes to Dad’s, we all have some time apart, time to think and time to decompress.”

“Or we send her to counselling.”

“We tried that. Remember? She wouldn’t go.” Sam said. “And you yourself said that if she didn’t go willingly, it wouldn’t do any good.”

“Fine. I’m going to start dinner.”

“I bought the ticket at work today.” Sam told her. “We need to come up with a plan on how and when to tell her.”

“When does she fly out?”

“Saturday.”

“We talk to her tomorrow. After school. We tell her we want a truce, and that if she goes to school on Friday and doesn’t argue with us about anything, we’ll take her out to dinner to talk. We’ll tell her at dinner.”

Sam nodded. “I’ll stay home Friday. Pack a bag for her and hide it in our room until after dinner. I’ll get Dean to come over Friday and keep Mary until after we take her to the airport.”

“We’re not gonna let her say goodbye to Mary?”

“Our hands are gonna be full enough with Kayla. Do you really want to deal with Mary that night too?”

“You’re right.” Jess said. “You’re right.”

“Hey. We’ll get through this.” Sam said, trying to assure Jess as much as himself. “We will.”

“I hope you’re right.”

_Kayla was holding on to her mommy and daddy’s hand as they walked down the street. Both of them were swinging her back and forth, making her giggle so much her tummy was hurting. Before long, a scary black cloud appeared in front of them. Kayla was scared. Mommy and Daddy stopped swinging her, and both of them knelt down in front of her. They looked sad._

_“Mommy, Daddy, let’s go. That cloud’s gonna take me away.” _

_“We know, Bug. We’re sending you away with it.” _

_“What? Why?” Kayla asked. “What’d I do?” _

_“You don’t deserve us anymore, honey.” Mommy explained. “It’s time for you to go.” _

_“No, no, no. Please don’t, Mommy. I’m sorry, I’ll be a good girl. I promise. Just don’t send me away.” _

_“Goodbye, Kay.” Daddy said, kissing her cheek and standing up to walk away. _

_“Daddy, no! Help me, please.” _

_“Bye, Kay. Mommy loves you.” _

_Mommy stood up and started to walk away with Daddy, and the black cloud got closer and closer to her. Kayla cried and called for her Mommy and Daddy over and over, but they just kept walking away. The black cloud came and covered her, then picked her up and dragged her away. _

Mary was fast asleep when she heard it. Kayla was crying down the hall. She climbed out of bed, dragging her toy Snuffle with her. When Mary found Kayla, she was buried under her blanket, crying and kicking and begging someone to come back. Mary threw Snuffle on the end of the bed and shook Kayla awake.

“Kay’a. Come on, Kay’a, wake up.”

Kayla sat up, breathing fast and still crying. “Mary?”

“Yeah. You was crying. What’s wrong?”

“Sorry. I had a bad dream.”

“What happened?” Mary insisted.

“I’m okay, Mary. Go back to bed.”

“No. Tell me what happened.” Mary said. “I’m not going back to bed.”

“Fine. I had a bad dream that Mommy and Daddy sent me away.”

“What do you mean?”

“They sent me away from home for being bad.” Kayla said.

Mary stared at Kayla, her mouth wide open in shock. “That’s stupid.” 

“What?”

“That’s stupid.” Mary repeated. “Mommy and Daddy wouldn’t send you away. Mommies and Daddies don’t do that. They’re supposed to love you no matter what.”

Kayla smiled, reached down and tousled Mary’s hair, then pulled her up into the bed. “Thank you.”

“I sleeping with you.” Mary said with a yawn. “I’ll keeps you safe. Keep the bad dreams away.”

“Sounds good, kiddo.” Kayla said. “Sounds good.”

Kayla found comfort in what Mary said. She didn’t see her parents sending her away from home. They were a family. They were supposed to stay together, through good times and bad. No matter what was going on, how much they were arguing and fighting or ignoring each other, she knew her parents loved her. Five minutes later, the two girls were sleeping peacefully, Kayla thinking to herself that she just needed to give her parents more time. For the second time in a week, she was optimistic and thought as she fell asleep,

_Everything’ll be okay in the morning. _


	20. Chapter 20

There was something going on, and Kayla knew it. There was about to be a drastic change in her relationship with her parents. Ever since she’d gotten home from school, they’d both looked at her like they were planning something. _It’s over,_ Kayla thought. _They’re finally ready to let me go._

Kayla wondered why they were waiting so long to talk to her, but she waited as patiently as she could. She did her homework, ate her dinner, got ready for bed without complaint. Finally, as she was about to think that maybe she was seeing things that weren’t there, both her parents surprised her by appearing at her door.

“Hey. Can we come in?” Jess asked.

“Sure.”

Jess walked in and took a place on Kayla's bed, followed by Sam, who grabbed her desk chair, turned it around and faced Kayla.

"Dad and I want a truce."

"What do you mean?" Kayla asked.

"It means that we're really thankful you've given us the time we asked for on Sunday. We know we've been distant with you, and that it's been hard to talk to us at all this week."

"Yeah. Kind of." Kayla admitted honestly, their confrontation in the hallway the day before still fresh on her mind.

"Well, we decided that we wanted to give you a treat." Jess said. "We think you've earned it."

"What? Really?" Kayla askeed, her first real smile for the week forming.

"Really. If you're as nice tonight and tomorrow as you have been, what do you think about going to Mama Rita's for dinner?"

Kayla gasped. "REALLY?" she asked, laughing in her excitement.

"Really." Jess said. "I take it that means yes."

"You bet that means yes."

Kayla did something then she hadn't done in months, causing both her parents hearts to melt with love and ache with guilt at the same time. She grabbed her mother's neck and squeezed it tight, then kissed her cheek. She repeated the same thing with her father.

"You guys are the best!" Kayla said, and Sam's heart nearly broke when he saw her first genuine smile in longer than he could remember. "Can I ask something?"

"Of course you can." Jess said.

Kayla seemed to consider her question first, then shook her head. "No. Never mind."

"What is it, Kay?" Sam asked.

"Well, could I start walking to and from school again?" Kayla asked nervously. "I just want to try some way to show you guys you can trust me again, but I can't really do much stuck in my room all the time."

Sam and Jess shared a look with each other. Kayla mistakenly thought they were simply having one of their 'talk without actually talking' conversations, and she waited as patiently as she could.

"It's okay if it's a no." Kayla said. "It really is. It was just a thought."

"We'll talk about it at dinner tomorrow." Sam said, trying to ignore the thought _if hell freezes over and grandpa lets you. _"We're not saying no, but we'll talk about it at dinner tomorrow."

"Thanks, Dad."

"You start getting ready for bed, okay?" Jess said.

"I will, Mom." Kayla said. "Can I talk to you guys for a minute first?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"Just wanted to catch up." Kayla said. "Tell you about school and stuff."

"Sure, baby. How's school?"

"I'm up to a B. Mrs. Peters said if I keep going, I'll graduate with an A+."

"That's great!" Jess said, and her heart twinged painfully that the next day, any progress Kayla was making would be halted in its tracks. "I'm proud of you."

"You mean that?"

It was Sam's turn for an aching heart. "Yes." he answered honestly.

"Hey, guys? I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything. Mom, I didn't leave my room Sunday to break my grounding. I honestly didn't know I wasn't supposed to. You believe me, right?"

"I do, baby. And I'm sorry I scared you and made you drop the bowl. You're right. I should've been more clear that you were restricted to your room for everything, including meals."

"Instead of walking to school, can I have that? Can I come out and eat dinner with you guys? Please? I really, really miss you."

"We'll talk about that tomorrow too." Sam said. "But we've missed you too."

"I'm sorry to you too, Dad. For snapping at you yesterday."

"It's okay. I know I've been pretty tough on you lately."

"And I'm sorry for the party. It was stupid. I was just trying to fit in."

"First off, you are not stupid." Jess said. "And if I hear you call yourself that again, I'll call your sister in here from getting her PJs on and let her make good on her threat."

"Her threat? Oh, to poke me in the eye?"

"Yep, that one. And second, yes, going to the party was a stupid thing to do. But it does not make you a stupid person. Do you understand the difference?"

"I think so."

"You're a kid. You're supposed to do dumb stuff so you can figure out why it's dumb." Sam said. "And we're supposed to be your parents and set boundaries for you so that maybe you don't do it quite as bad as you would with no help at all."

"I get it." Kayla said. "I know I should have apologized before, but I was trying to think of a way to show you I was sorry, not just say it. I didn't know if you'd believe me or not."

"We believe you." Jess said.

"Yeah. We do." Sam assured her.

Kayla smiled. "Is Mary going to dinner with us tomorrow?"

"No. She's going to spend the night at your uncle Dean's apartment tomorrow. It'll just be the three of us."

"Why does uncle Dean keep an apartment here if he doesn't live here?" Kayla asked.

It had always perplexed Kayla. Dean spent most of his time out on the road working, and he spent most of his downtime with her grandfather and uncle Bobby.

"Because he feels like he can't stay here when he's in town." Sam said. "He feels like he's crowding us."

"That's ridiculous!"

"We've tried telling him that. But he doesn't listen." Sam said. "Anyway, you should get some sleep. Didn't your teacher say something about a test tomorrow?"

"I took it today. And I got my grade back already. You want to see? It's in my backpack." 

"Sure." Kayla took it out, and Sam broke into a grin at the A- grade. "That's my girl."

"Can I still change schools? I know it's a lot farther, but I'd really like to start over if I can."

_You have no idea how much farther it actually is,_ Sam thought. "We'll talk about all that tomorrow," he promised. "You need to get some sleep."

"Okay. Goodnight, Mom. Night, Dad."

"Good night, Kayla." Jess said. She leaned over and kissed Kayla's cheek, smiling when she didn't pull back from it. "I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too, Mom."

"Sweet dreams, sweet girl." Sam said.

"Daddy?" Mary had appeared in the doorway, pajamas on and Snuffle in her hands. "Will you reads me and Kay'a a story?"

Sam swallowed against a painful lump in his throat. How was he supposed to tell Kayla tomorrow she was going to be sent to live somewhere else, when tonight would be spent reading to her like everything was normal?

"Is that what you want?" Sam asked Kayla.

Too afraid to hope for it, but desperate to believe things were going back to the way they should be, Kayla nodded. "Yes, please."

"Okay. Mary, go pick out a story."

"Actually, and I know this sounds weird, but can I pick it?" Kayla asked. "Mary, is it okay with you?"

"Sure!" Mary said. "Is it a big kid story?"

"Sort of." Kayla answered. "Dad? Can I go get it? It's in your bedroom closet."

"My bedroom closet?"

"Yeah. In that big box of books that Grandma Leslie got when the library back home closed." Kayla said. "It's still in there, right?"

"I think so."

"It is. Come on, sweetie, I'll help you look through it." Jess said. "Can I stay for the story too?"

"Yeah! All of us do it!" Mary cheered.

Kayla pulled out her favorite book from second grade, _Ramona and Her Father._ Sam had read it to her, one chapter at a time, every single night for two years straight. Knowing what was going to happen the next day, Sam shocked both girls.

"If both you girls think you can stay awake for it, why don't we read the whole thing tonight?"

Two and a half hours later, Sam was pulling the covers over both girls. Mary, surprisingly, chose to sleep in her own bed when Kayla assured her she'd be okay for the night. Sam left with his heart weighed down, and nearly vomited when he realized that it would be the last night he'd put Kayla to bed for a long time. Jess was sitting up in their bed, tears streaming down her face as she looked at one of the photo albums Sam had put together.

"What's wrong?"

Jess sniffed and wiped her face. "I feel like such a liar."

"I know. I feel the same way." Sam said, looking over her shoulder at the scrapbook. "Do you want to back out?"

"We can't."

"Yes, we can. I don't care about the money for the ticket. If you think we're doing the wrong thing, tell me."

"Sam, we can't." Jess insisted. "She has to go."

"Why do you say that?" Sam asked. "Does it have somehting to do with that dream you had earlier this week?"

Jess nodded. "Yes. Does that sound crazy?"

"Not at all. Will you tell me what happened in it?"

"We found Kayla in her room." Jess' voice was shaking, the thought of the awful dream making her wonder whether she could ever survive if it came true.

"Found her how?" Sam asked, afraid to know the answer.

"She had slit her wrists." Jess whispered. "She was so pale, and she was cold to the touch when we found her."

"Oh, my God. Jess, I'm so sorry."

"We called an ambulance, and we took her to the emergency room, but they couldn't save her."

"That's what changed your mind?"

"Not exactly. My dad was in the dream too. He said he was showing me what would happen if we didn't give Kayla a chance to start over. He said it would hurt all of us, but it had to be done."

"Good. Your dad was always a smart guy. I wish I could've asked his advice on this."

"You mean that?" Jess asked. "You don't think it's crazy, me listening to a dream?"

"Not at all. And I'd rather be safe than sorry."

"You're right. Does your dad know everything?"

"Yeah. I, um, I asked him to do something else for me too."

"What?"

"Jess, I don't think that party was Kayla's first time drinking." Sam admitted. "I think she's done it before. And maybe more?"

"What do you mean more?"

"I mean, I think she's at least drinking somewhat regularly, if not smoking too."

"What makes you say that?"

"It's just a feeling. With the drinking, I think she's doing that because she didn't have more of a hangover after the party."

"Like she's built up a tolerance to it?"

"Exactly."

"So what'd you ask your dad to do?"

"Try and find out exactly what's going on." Sam said. "I told him, if he thought it would be a good idea, to keep her on the grounding we have her on until she told him everything. But he told me that if he's the one taking care of Kayla, he makes the rules, so I'll have to trust him and let him do his own thing."

"Are you okay with that?"

"Honestly? Not completely. But I do trust Dad. Even if Kayla never really tells any of us anything, I think living in a different environment from ours'll do Kayla a lot of good."

"She seemed to be okay tonight."

"She's seemed to be okay a lot of nights." Sam argued. "But Jess, trust me, people who are depressed are really good at making you think they're okay."

"You think she's depressed? Could that be the reason behind everything?"

"Maybe. I do think she's depressed, but I still think there's something behind it. Something we don't know about."

Jess groaned in equal parts frustration and sorrow. "Sam, how did we get here? What's going on with our baby?"

"I don't know. But I honestly think this is the best way for us to find out."

"I think you're right. I don't want to think that, but I think you're right."

"Let's get some sleep. I have a feeling neither of us will be able to sleep tomorrow."

Kayla was excited. She felt free. Hopeful. Optimistic. School was a breeze. She was surprised that Sam was already home when she got there, and she proudly showed him her note from school.

_Kayla's been a delight this summer. I'll be sad to see her go, but I'm so proud of how far she's come. _

Sam had to fake a smile. He was proud of her, insanely proud, but he knew beyond a doubt he was going to break her heart that night. He told her again how proud of her he was, and though he meant it with all his heart, her smile did nothing but make him feel like the worst father in the world.

"Do you have a lot of homework?"

"No, sir. I did it all already."

"Okay. Good."

"What time are we going to dinner?"

"Seven or so." Sam said.

"Okay. I might be in the bathroom a little while."

"Why?"

"It's a surprise."

Kayla grabbed some clothes from her room, wondering for a moment where some of her shirts had gone. She let the thought go, deciding that her mother had just come to do her laundry and hadn't finished yet. She picked out a blouse and her prettiest skirt, then went into the bathroom to change. When she still hadn't come out forty-five minutes later, Mary knocked on the door.

"Kay'a! Uncle Dean's here, I gotta go!"

"Coming!" Kayla called back.

Nervous, Kayla grabbed the bathroom doorknob and opened it. Kayla had changed into the outfit she picked out and curled her hair.

"Wow! Kay'a, you looks so pretty!"

Kayla grinned. "Thanks, Mary!"

"Honey, why did you get so dressed up?" Jess asked. "We're just going to Mama Rita's. You've been there a hundred times."

Kayla shrugged. "I know. But this dinner's special for me. I just wanted to look my best for it. You like it, don't you?"

"You look beautiful, honey." Jess said, nearly choking on the guilt that threatened to spill out.

"Ditto for me." Dean said from the front door. "Come here and give me a hug so we can go, kiddo."

Dean left, and Kayla got more excited as each second passed. Sam and Jess were quiet, but Kayla was lost in her own thoughts and tried to put together a plan on how to tell her parents that she was going to do her best to be a better kid. She climbed into the back of Sam’s car, buckled up, and was lost in her own thoughts.

_Maybe they’re giving me another shot._

_I should do better. A lot better. They deserve better._

_ I’ll tell them tonight at dinner._

Kayla’s happy thoughts were nearly the exact opposite of her parents’. Both of them were dreading the meal about to come. When Jess opened the door and heard Kayla laughing at something, she nearly told Kayla to go inside and get them a table so she could tell Sam she changed her mind. Before she could do that, her thoughts wandered back to her dream. Kayla lying on the gurney, pale and not moving.

_I’m sorry, baby. Please don’t hate us after tonight. _

“Mommy, look!”

_Mommy?_ Jess thought. “What, honey?”

“Down there! It’s a dragonfly! Grandma always said they were good luck.”

“Yeah. She did.”

“Let’s go inside, guys. It’s getting kind of full.” Sam suggested.

Sam regretted rushing Kayla inside the second she sat down. Kayla grabbed the placemat on the table, the one meant for kids, and immediately went to work drawing a picture on it. Sam watched her closely for a moment. Kayla had always played with anything put in front of her. Crayons, paper, books, toys-it didn’t seem to matter. Kayla would always take whatever it was and get the maximum enjoyment she could out of it.

“You want to help me, Mommy?”

Jess, startled at Kayla talking to her after so long, asked, “What?”

“Do you want to help me?”

“In a minute, babe. Daddy and I want to talk to you about something.” Jess said.

“Okay.” _This is it_, Kayla thought. _Tell them_.

“Kayla, your mommy and I’ve been talking this week.” Sam said. “We’ve decided that it might be best for you to go to your grandpa’s for a while.”


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Warning-this chapter deals with Kayla’s reaction to her parents telling her she’s going to live with John. It’s pretty rough, and Kayla has a suicidal thought at the end of the chapter. The next chapter deals with Sam and Jess’s thoughts after coming home from dinner. Jess writes the letter to Kayla that she reads in the original story. **

**I’m also planning to extend this story past Kayla’s going to John’s. I’m planning to write her thoughts on the flight to John’s, Mary’s thoughts about her sister being sent off, Sam and Jess dealing with the doubt and guilt of doing it, and Sam finding the journal where Kayla spills out the details of what Art did to her, and Kayla starting counselling after she moves back in with Sam and Jess. While I’m still planning on Kayla being a central part of the story, it’ll focus more after this on the adults in her life trying to help her and not quite knowing how to do it.**

Kayla stared at her parents, mouth agape in confusion. “What?”

“You’re going to your grandpa’s for a while.”

Kayla’s brain couldn’t quite process what her parents had just told her. Hoping she head them wrong, she asked, “We’re going on a vacation or something?”

“No, Kayla.” Sam said. “You’re going to live with your grandpa and uncle Bobby.” When Kayla said nothing in response, Sam continued. “Your flight leaves at ten tomorrow. We’ll leave the house at seven and take you as far as security. If there’s time, we’ll sit in the airport with you for a few minutes before you leave, but we’ll have to see on that. You’ll be at Grandpa’s by two.”

Sam watched Kayla’s reaction carefully. He’d expected anger, Kayla ranting and raving about how unfair it all was, or worse, sadness and tears and begging him not to do it. But she just went quiet. Kayla’s favorite waitress, Ginger, approached the table, apologizing for how busy it was, and laid down silverware while asking for their drink orders.

“Kay?”

Kayla didn’t move until she felt a hand on her shoulder. “What?”

“Hey. You okay, kiddo? You look spooked.” Ginger asked, concerned.

Kayla swallowed hard. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“What do you want to drink, honey?”

“Um, just ice water, please.”

“Ice water? No chocolate milk?”

“Not this time.” Kayla said. “Thanks, Ginger.”

“Sure, sweetie. Be right back.”

Not able to look at her parents, Kayla turned back to the placemat in front of her. That voice, which had almost dissipated in the hopes that her parents were ready to forgive her, was back with a vengeance. She felt her parents’ staring at her, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She started to color on the mat again, before she realized the crayon in her hand was broken. That voice was attacking her with a vengeance.

_You did it. _

_You pushed them away. _

_Good job, you disgusting, selfish good for nothing._

“Kay? Honey? Talk to us, please.” Jess begged. “Say something.”

“What do you want me to say?” Kayla asked, putting the crayon down and leaning against the seat behind her.  
  
“Anything.” Jess said. “Anything, baby. Please just talk to us.”

“You’ve made it pretty clear how you feel. There’s nothing to say.”

“Kayla, this isn’t about punishing you.” Sam explained. “It’s about giving you some time to get yourself together.”

“Wasn’t aware I wasn’t together.” Kayla said bitterly.

“Don’t get smart with me, Kayla. Now is not the time.”

“What difference does it make now?” Kayla asked. “You want me to talk? Talk about how I’m feeling? Fine. I feel stupid.”

“You are not stupid.” Jess said.

“Apparently, I am. Because I was stupid enough to feel bad in the car for thinking about running away last week. Turns out I would’ve just saved you the plane ticket.” Kayla said.

“Kayla, you’re doing this whether you want to or not. Now we can sit here and we can have a nice dinner, or we can eat in silence. It’s your choice.”

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

“That’s too bad. I don’t care what you want anymore. Maybe once you’re gone for a while, you’ll realize how blessed you really are.”

_You think I don’t know that?_ Kayla thought. _You think I don’t know how lucky I am that you’ve kept me all this time?_

“Ginger’s coming back. Order something or I will.” Sam said.

“What did you tell Mary?” Kayla asked. When her parents simply looked at each other and didn’t answer her question, Kayla could barely believe it. “You didn’t tell her?”

“We’re going to tell her tomorrow. After we drop you off.”

Kayla scoffed. “So what, she’s just gonna think I dropped off the planet?”

“No. We’ll have the same conversation with her after we get back from the airport tomorrow as we’re having with you right now, and then you can talk to her on the phone tomorrow night.”

“You’re not even letting me say goodbye.” Kayla said. It was a statement, not a question.

“No. I don’t want you telling her and upsetting her.”

“So, it shouldn’t upset her,” Kayla said, hating herself for her hitching breath, “that you’re treating me like a bad Christmas present and returning me because you’re tired of me?”

“That’s not it, honey.” Jess tried to assure her, reaching over to try and take Kayla’s hand.

“Don’t touch me, Mom.” Kayla said, and her mother looked so pained that she nearly took it back. "And what was that last night? Reading to me and Mary?"

“Hey, guys. Here’s your drinks.”

Ginger showing up took the momentum out of Kayla’s argument for the moment, but it didn't escape her attention that Sam didn't respond. As Ginger set the drinks on the table, Kayla stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to the bathroom. Is that okay?”

“I want your mother to go with you.” Sam said.

Kayla scoffed. “What? You think I’m going to climb out the bathroom window or something?”

“I don’t know what you’re planning to do, but I don’t want you alone.”

“Yeah, until you put me on the plane tomorrow.” Kayla said.

“Kay, go ahead to the bathroom.” Jess said, trying to diffuse a little of the tension. “What do you want to eat?”

“I don’t care. Just like you two.”

"Enough with the guilt trips, Kayla. It's okay for you to be upset, but you're leaving tomorrow. Whether you want to or not?"

"Since you don't seem to care what I want, this is probably futile, but can I please go to the bathroom by myself?"

"Go on, sweetie. Take your time." Jess said. "Sam, stop. I mean it."  


"Kayla? You want your usual, sweetie?"

"Yes. Thank you, Ginger. That would be great." Kayla turned to start for the bathroom, before deciding to land one final death blow to her parents. "You know the worst part of this? You guys actually made me think you wanted things to go back to the way they were before. I got dressed up so you two could tell me to get lost."

When Kayla was gone, Jess turned to Sam. "What is wrong with you?"

"With me? What are you talking about?"

"She has every right to be upset about this, Sam. Stop baiting her into fighting with you."

"How am I baiting her?"

"'Don't get smart with me, Kayla? Now is not the time!'? What exactly does that mean? She keeps arguing with you and, what? We don't send her to your father's, we send her to prison?"

"Don't be ridicoulous..."

"Put yourself in her shoes. She screws up and we stick her in her room and don't talk to her for a week. We tell her that we want things to get better, and that we're taking her to her favorite restaurant to talk. What would you think, Sam?"

Sam frowned and looked down, eerily reminiscent of Kayla when she didn't want to talk.

"Answer me, Sam. What would you think?"

"That we wanted to make up with her."

"Exactly. Now I get why we're doing this. But I didn't sign up for you to treat her like a bastard for being upset. Now when she comes out, I expect you to be the nicest dad in the world, no matter how she's acting. You don't, and it won't just be Kayla that packs up and leaves for your father's. Got it?"

Sam stared at Jess in disbelief.

Kayla didn't stick around to see Ginger's reaction, rushing off to the privacy of the women's room. She was grateful there was only one toilet in there, and she could lock the door and be in relative peace for a few minutes. She was having trouble catching her breath. The center of her chest ached every time her heart beat. There was a small part of her that wanted to go out into the main dining room and beg her parents, in full view of everyone, not to do this. To hit her knees and grovel and beg if she had to.

But she'd never seen her father so determined. As strict as he pretended to be with her, he was never without compassion when he said no or delivered some punishment for whatever childish thing she'd done. He said yes whenever possible, and when it wasn't, he either explained why or made it clear that he knew it was unfair.

None of that was happening tonight. There was no sign of caring that he was hurting her. No sign that sending her hundreds of miles away was hurting him in the slightest. _Fine. If he's not hurt, I won't show him I am. _Taking a few deep breaths, Kayla washed her face and prepared to head back out to the table.

Dinner was silent. Kayla would talk to Ginger, laughing and smiling like nothing was wrong, but actively ignored both her parents. Kayla was surprised Sam didn't blow a gasket when he asked her a direct question and she delibrately said nothing. After nearly an hour of watching her parents pick at their food while she cleaned her plate, Sam paid the check.

"Come on, let's go."

Trying to guilt her parents even more, before she walked out with them, Kayla went over to Ginger, whispered something in her ear, then gave her a long, tight hug. Ginger kissed her cheek, and Sam heard her tell Kayla what a good kid she was and to have a good trip.

The ride back home consisted of Jess silently crying in the front seat, Kayla crossing her arms and staring out the window in the back seat, and Sam staring straight ahead so that he didn't have to look at Kayla's face. He wished, for the briefest of moments, that Kayla could feel what he was feeling. How this was tearing him up inside. How if he could lay down on the street and get hit by a car and stop this from happening, he'd do it without a second thought. But his thoughts were full of Jess's dream. If they didn't do this, Kayla wouldn't make it, and burying her wasn't an option.

_I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me forever for this. _

Sam parked the car, and turned to tell Kayla to get ready for bed, but she was already opening the door and heading inside as quickly as she could. Jess said nothing and followed her. They both went to Kayla's door, peeked in and said goodnight, then headed to their own room.

In the dark of the night, Kayla finally felt safe enough to let her true feelings out. She’d figured out what happened to her missing clothes. Sam had packed them into a bag, which was now sitting in the corner of her room. Things weren’t going to get better. Her parents didn’t want her. Her little sister did, but if Kayla wasn’t good enough for her parents, then chances were good she would infect Mary with whatever it was that made her parents not want her. Mary deserved a good home, and parents who wanted to care for her and love her.

Kayla pulled out a picture she kept under her pillow. She’d found in the last few weeks that if she had a nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep, holding the picture close to her chest would help her sleep. It was a picture of her as a toddler. Whether she was two or three, she didn’t know, but she loved it. She was dressed in a suit and tie, and her grandmother was sitting behind her. Kayla was grinning, holding her hands out in front of her so Leslie could pull her sleeves up. Kayla looked so happy in the picture, and she wondered if the day would ever come when she’d feel that way again. Kayla had given up writing in her journal to her grandmother, so she decided to talk to her directly.

“They don’t want me anymore, Grandma. I’m too messed up.” Kayla sniffed and, for once, didn’t try to stop herself from crying. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Grandma. I need help. It hurts all the time. I don’t mean to be mean to everyone, but I just don’t feel good about myself. Ever. Now I can’t even stay home. I don’t deserve a mommy and a daddy. I’d say I wish you were here. I know that you’d never let them do this. But I don’t think even you could love me like this.”

Kayla wished she could kick herself for thinking that things could get better. She had one final thought before going to sleep. She went to her desk, pulled out her tape, and taped the photo to her bedroom wall so she could look at it as she fell asleep.

“I should have died with you.”


	22. Chapter 22

Jess closed the bedroom door behind her and Sam. The tension in the room was thick, and Jess noticed Sam deliberately not looking at her.

“Sam?”

Sam sniffed and continued taking off his shoes. “Yeah?”

“Look at me.”

Sam carefully took off his other shoe and placed it next to the bed, then turned to look at Jess. There were two tears coming down his cheeks.

“Oh, Sam.”

“I’m going to get a shower.”

“Sam…”

Sam didn’t respond, just walked to the bathroom and closed the door. Jess changed into her pajamas, then laid down in the bed and tried to sleep. _This is stupid. No one’s sleeping._ Sam came out of the bathroom and said nothing, just pulled something out of the nightstand. When she realized what it was, she laid a hand on Sam’s back and comforted him as he fell asleep. Sam’s shoulders were shaking, and Jess left him alone. When he was sleeping, Jess took the paper from his hands. It was a picture Kayla had drawn for Sam in kindergarten. A stick figure Kayla was holding onto the hand of a much larger stick figure Sam. The top of the picture said, in childish large block handwriting, ‘Kayla loves daddy’ and the bottom read ‘Daddy loves Kayla’. Jess placed the picture next to Sam and got up to walk around, knowing that she’d never sleep.

Her first stop was to check on Kayla. She was surprised that Kayla had never gotten under her covers, and was holding onto a photo Jess hadn’t seen since they’d moved into the house two years earlier. It was of Kayla at age two, standing with her grandmother and dressed as a lawyer for trick-or-treating, trying her best to mimic her Daddy, who was her hero at the time.

How did things change so much?

Jess wanted to wrap Kayla up, but there was no way for her to do it without waking Kayla up. Jess doubted that any effort to be motherly towards Kayla would be welcome at the moment, so she settled for stroking Kayla’s hair and cheek. When she found Kayla’s cheek still damp, Jess whispered,

“I’m so sorry, honey. We’re not trying to hurt you. We’re trying to save you. I love you so much.”

Afraid to wake up Kayla from her own crying, Jess turned to leave, when she spotted something on top of Kayla’s desk. It was ripped up, but Jess recognized it as the letter Sam had written her when he’d read Kayla’s journal. Desperate to find some way to reach Kayla, Jess decided to give it a try. She headed to the kitchen and pulled out the legal pad she kept in the kitchen and wrote out her feelings.

_Hey my sweet girl._

_Well, things are a mess, aren’t they?_

_I don’t know exactly how you must be feeling right now. I know it must feel awful to have to leave mommy and daddy. And I know that no matter how hard I try right now, I won’t be able to convince you that this is just as hard for us as it is for you._

_When I was pregnant with you, I was scared. I was terrified. I didn’t know if I’d be a good mommy to you. Your daddy kept telling me I was being silly. That I would be the best mommy in the whole wide world. Well, he must have been right. Because I helped raise the sweetest, kindest, funniest baby girl anyone could have ever had. When you were a baby, you’d laugh even when you were hurt or sick. You’d see me or your daddy angry or upset and grab our face and make us look at you until we smiled again._

_When you were six, you asked me how much I loved you. I tried to tell you a lot, but you didn’t let me get away with that. “No, mommy. I know you love me a lot. I want to know how much.” So I took you outside and showed you the stars up in the sky. I told you to count them._

_“I can’t count that high, mommy.”_

_I told you then that mommy loved you more than all the stars in the sky. I’ll never forget the smile you gave me when I told you that. You begged me to pick you up and hold you and watch the stars with you. I grabbed a beach chair and a blanket and we sat outside watching the stars until you fell asleep. I don’t know if you remember that, but it’s one of my favorite memories of us._

_I will miss you, baby, but the truth is I’ve missed you for a few months now. You tried to hide it underneath the attitude and the acting out, but I can see it. Something is hurting you, baby. I don’t know what it is, and maybe you don’t exactly know either. But maybe some time away from home can help you figure out what it is. When you do figure it out, Daddy and I will be there to help you. Until then, please just know that we care about and love you so very, very much._

_I know you probably blame your father for this. The truth is, he did have to talk me into it, but I do agree with him. So if you’re going to stay angry at him, you should stay angry at me too. But there’s something you should know. Your father would kill me if he knew I told you this, but he cried himself to sleep tonight holding on to an old picture that you drew for him. He may be tough on you, honey, sometimes too tough, but he loves you. Your father’s heart beats for you, me, and your sister. He wants nothing but the best for you, and it breaks his heart to see you in so much pain. Just don’t stay mad at him for too long, okay?_

_I want you to know that, when you do figure out what it is making you hurt like you are, mommy will be there. Don’t be scared to tell me because you think I’ll be mad over anything you’ve done. I forgive you, honey, even if you don’t forgive yourself. There is nothing, **NOTHING**, that could ever take away my love for you. NOTHING. When you start wondering how mommy feels about you, just repeat that out loud or to yourself. ‘Mommy loves me and nothing can ever change that’._

_I have an idea. It may sound pretty lame, but hear me out. Every night, at exactly nine your time (ten o’clock here) I’m gonna look out the window and up at the moon for thirty seconds. I’ll tell you I love you and blow you a kiss. I promise you, no matter what, I’ll do it, even if you don’t. But think about it. If we’re both looking up at the same time, telling each other we love each other, then for a few seconds every single day, we’ll be together._

_I’ll let you go now, baby. Just remember-mommy loves me and nothing can ever change that._

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Mommy_

Jess read the letter over, placed it in an envelope, then placed the letter in the front pocket of the duffel bag where Sam had packed Kayla’s clothes. She walked back to her own bedroom and checked the clock. It was two in the morning, four hours before one of them would have to wake Kayla to go to the airport. As she sat down on the bed, her phone vibrated beside her. It was a text from Dean.

_I had a feeling you’d still be awake. You okay?_

_No. Not even a little. _

_Can you talk?_

_No. Sam’s asleep beside me and I’ve already gotten up once. I get up again and it’ll wake him up. Dean, what the hell are we doing?_

_Taking a break. You all need some space. There’s nothing wrong with that. _

_You’re not supposed to get a break from being parents. _

_Unless you’re lost and don’t know what to do. Isn’t that what you and Sam both told me?_

_Yes. It is. _

_What did Kayla do when you told her?_

_Acted like she wasn’t hurt. _

_Ignoring you? Talking to everyone but you? Laughing and joking with a friend?_

_How’d you know?_

_Sam was exactly the same way. She’s just rebelling. She’ll stop. _

_I don’t know, Dean. I just went in to check on her and she fell asleep crying. I feel like we’re abandoning her. _

_You’re not. She’s coming to Dad’s. She’ll be okay. He’ll send her to school, keep an eye on her, and give her another chance._

_And if she doesn’t take it?_

_We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it. Just trust me, okay?_

_Okay. I will. Did Mary ask a lot of questions?_

_Not really. You want me to talk to her for you before I bring her home tomorrow?_

Jess was tempted by the offer. She dreaded telling Mary almost as much as she dreaded putting Kayla on the plane in the morning. But she declined. _No. Just tell her she’ll talk to Kayla tomorrow night. And stick around for at least another night, please. If she’s upset enough, I’ll give her the option to stay with you so she can calm down. _

_You got it. Get some sleep. _

_You too. Thanks, Dean. You’re the best. _

_Yeah, I know. Good night, kiddo. _

_Goodnight xoxo_

Three and a half hours later, Sam opened his eyes and wondered why he was holding a piece of paper. He saw the drawing and everything came flooding back. Kayla was getting on a plane soon. Going to his father’s. He checked the clock and quickly got dressed, then headed to Kayla’s room. Jess was still sleeping beside him, and he decided to leave her sleeping for the time being.

Sam opened the door to Kayla’s room, and found her sleeping just as Jess had earlier in the night. Holding the photo from trick-or-treating at two years old. Leslie was putting her ‘costume’ on her. There was another photo, taken later in the day, with Kayla sitting with him on the couch. Sam had that one in one of his scrapbooks, but he figured that Kayla had taken this one right after her grandmother died.

He took the chair from Kayla’s desk and sat next to Kayla’s bed. He checked the clock and saw he had ten minutes left before six. His mind was buzzing. Five minutes later, Sam realized something.

He couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t make Kayla leave. He knew from her reaction the night before that she was hurt, possibly beyond any hope of ever fixing. Sam thought back to his father’s warning the night he’d called and asked him to take Kayla. After revealing to Sam that the two months Dean had spent away from home was actually Dean staying in a boys’ home for shoplifting and not getting lost on a hunt, John had cautioned Sam,

“Sam, there’s two things in my life I wish to hell I could take back. One is the fight we had when you told me you were going to Stanford. The other is letting your brother be away from you and me for so long. If you really need me, I’ll do it, but just realize that your relationship with Kayla will never be the same.”

Sam, eternally resistant to listening to his father, had begged John to help him, and here they were. Getting ready to drag Kayla to the airport and make her leave. But, Sam thought, he _didn’t _have to. He could let Kayla stay, and figure out some other way to get past his trust issues with her. Then the image of Jess’s dream came to him again. Kayla, pale and lifeless and not breathing. That couldn’t happen, and with a heart heavier than ever before, Sam stood up and walked to Kayla’s bed.

“Kayla.” It took two more times calling Kayla to wake her up, but Sam put on his best ‘Dad means business’ face. “Kayla, wake up. It’s 6:00. You’ve got an hour to take a shower, get dressed, and eat some breakfast.”


	23. Chapter 23

_Kayla was a big girl now. She was five years old. She was scared, but she wasn’t going to let that stop her. She’d been to preschool, but this was big kid school. Daddy had told her to think of it like an adventure. She’d have fun during the day, make some new friends, and learn a bunch of cool stuff. Sitting in her car seat, Kayla took a deep breath and asked her father, _

_“Daddy? You’ll be there when school’s over, right?” _

_“No, honey. I won’t.” _

_“Is Mommy coming?” _

_“No.” _

_Kayla started getting even more scared. “Grandma?” _

_“No one’s picking you up, Kayla. You’re staying here for good.” _

_“What?” Kayla asked, crying. “How come?” _

_“You’re staying here, Kayla.”_

_Kayla started to say “Daddy, please don’t leave me here”, but before she could, a big, dark, ugly cloud came up in front of the car. Daddy pulled over, pulled a kicking and screaming Kayla out of her car seat, and walked towards the cloud. He placed Kayla on the ground in front of the black cloud, kissed her cheek, got in the car, and drove away._

_“Daddy! No! Don’t leave me!” _

“Kayla.”

Kayla jumped in bed. She was back at her house, and in bed. Daddy was standing above her.

“Kay, wake up, honey.”

It took a moment, but Kayla remembered. She wasn’t five years old, on her way to kindergarten. She was thirteen, and her parents were shipping her away from home.

“Kayla, wake up. It’s 6:00. You’ve got an hour to take a shower, get dressed, and eat some breakfast.”

Kayla took her blanket and pulled it over her head.

“Kayla, you can be stubborn if you want. If you’re not out of bed in one hour, you’re going in the car just like you are.”

Kayla waited until she heard Sam leave, then sat up in bed and looked around. She hated this bedroom. Even when she didn’t have a nightmare, she’d wake in the middle of the night thinking she felt hands underneath the covers with her. She’d thought about asking Mary to switch with her and had just never done it. _Guess you don’t have to worry about that now,_ she thought. Kayla decided to skip the shower and just brush her hair and teeth. She’d woken up at three o’clock that morning and gone through the duffel bag Sam had packed for her. Out of spite, and trying to get a rise out of her father, she’d replaced all the clothes he’d very carefully packed and threw in all her own favorites haphazardly. She’d left the ones he packed thrown all over her desk. She saw Sam look at her desk, frown, shake his head, and leave.

Kayla had never been one to be fussy with what she wore, but today she took her time and thought about it. She grabbed a pair of jeans and underwear off her desk, a bra, and was indecisive between three shirts. The first was a simple pink t-shirt, one that was a couple sizes too big for her and that she sometimes slept in. It had belonged to her grandmother, and she’d taken it from her grandmother’s house while helping Jess pack it up after Leslie died. The second was a green lacey blouse, one that had belonged to her mother when her mother had been her age. The third brought Kayla the most pain. It was a blue t-shirt, slightly small for her, that Mary had given her for her birthday that year. Kayla opted for comfort and security, which she didn’t feel an abundance of at the moment, so she chose her grandmother’s old shirt. She quickly dressed in the dark room, as she’d done every other morning for the past year, since the thought of looking in the mirror at herself scared her. Once she was dressed and headed for the bathroom, she got another idea. She picked up all her clothes from her desk, took them to the bathroom, and dumped them in the clothes hamper. Now, she decided, her mother would be reminded of her the second she went to do laundry.

Kayla quickly brushed her teeth, trying not to think too hard about the upcoming trip. She finished brushing her teeth and washed her face, then checked the clock. 7:35. She had twenty-five more minutes before she left home for good. Kayla grabbed her bag out of her room and stopped by Mary’s room. Mary had a coloring book on her bed that she was working on. Kayla thought about leaving her a note, but since Mary couldn’t read yet, she opted for drawing Mary a large heart on the first blank page of the book and signing her name. Kayla was nearly brought to tears by another memory. Mary was learning to write, and the first thing she’d ever written was Kayla’s name.

“I want to write your name first ‘cause you the coolest big kid in the whole world, Kay’a!”

Kayla signed her name in the coloring book underneath her heart, when she nearly threw Mary’s whole book away. She’d drawn the heart in black. _It fits. Just how I feel inside. _She decided that she was running low on time, so she left it and walked to the living room. Her parents were in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee each, neither of them talking. When Kayla walked past, Jess frowned. She grabbed a package of Pop-Tarts from the pantry and walked to the couch to sit next to Kayla.

“Please eat something before we leave. I don’t want you to fly on an empty stomach.”

Kayla turned and glared at her feet.

“I’ll put it in your bag for you. Okay? I’ll stick a little cash in there for you too. You can eat at the grill if you’ve got some time.”

Kayla continued to ignore her mother, who placed the Pop-Tarts in Kayla’s bag and went to the kitchen and retrieved the money she kept in a jar on top of the refrigerator. She stuck them inside the bag, smiling at Kayla and making sure Kayla saw where she stuck everything. Jess tried to pretend Kayla’s rejection didn’t hurt, but it did. Deeply. She heard Sam place his coffee cup in the sink and join them.

“Time to go.”

The ride was an almost silent one. Jess tried to ask Kayla if she was excited about ‘her first plane trip’, the only thing to draw a reaction out of Kayla. She glared at her mother and Jess immediately stopped trying to cheer Kayla up, the message clear to her. _Shut up, Mom. You did this, and I’m not gonna make you feel better by looking on the bright side about it._ By the time they pulled into the airport, Kayla had still said nothing, and opened her door and waited for her parents to join her. Sam grabbed her duffel bag and ushered her inside.

Kayla stood next to the front door with her mother as Sam went and checked Kayla in. She allowed Jess one small comfort, more for Jess’s benefit than her own, of holding Kayla’s hand until they reached security. A cheerful flight attendant came out to join the family.

“Kayla Winchester?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Kayla said, speaking for the first time all morning and startling her parents.

“Hey there. My name’s Casey. I’m gonna help you through your flight today.”

“Hi.”

“So, I have some gate passes here for your mom and dad if you want them to sit at the gate with you. They can stay with you until you board.”

“No. They don’t want to stay with me.”

Sam could’ve sworn he felt a crack form on his heart when Kayla said that. “That’s not true, honey. We’ll go with you if you want.”

“No.”

Sam frowned. He thought about disregarding Kayla and going to the gate with her anyway, but the thought of spending an hour and a half to two hours in an awkward silence with her quickly made him change his mind. He shook his head at Jess, who nodded in agreement.

“Casey? Could we have a minute alone with her?”

“Sure. Take your time. Kayla, I’ll be right over there when you’re ready, okay?”

Kayla nodded. “Okay.”

When Casey was gone, Jess moved first, afraid that if she let Sam say goodbye first, she’d burst into tears and wouldn’t be able to go through with it. She squeezed Kayla’s hand, swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, and spoke from the heart.

“I love you. I know this hurts, and I’m sorry. You can be as angry at us as you want, but I want you to listen to me. Please don’t let this stop you from making the best of being at grandpa’s. Make some new friends, have some fun, be a kid. Do that for me. Please?”

Kayla said nothing.

“Can I have a hug?”

Kayla hugged her mother, unable to deny that to her. She had been thinking in the car, and realized that sending her away had to have been her father’s idea. Her mother was afraid to let Kayla out of her sight, so her father had to have come up with it, and somehow talked her mother into it. She wasn’t too angry with her mother, but like Jess, she was afraid if she opened her mouth she’d start crying and not be able to stop.

She was, however, furious with her father, and she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that this bothered her. It had been the reason she talked to Casey in front of him, the reason she talked to and hugged Ginger the night before, and the reason she wouldn’t say anything to him now unless she absolutely had to. She started to walk right by her father and just go to Casey, but Sam knelt down in front of her.

“Please, please listen to me. Just for a second. You don’t have to talk. Just listen. Please?”

Kayla stopped, looking past him towards the wall, but it was clear she was listening. Sam, encouraged that she stopped but disheartened that she wouldn’t look at him, grabbed her hand gently and frowned when she flinched. _What do you expect, genius? The only time you’ve talked to her or touched her all week was when you spanked her or were letting her think everything was going to be okay. _Sam sighed and, for the first time in a week, actually talked to her.

“I know you lied about that party being the first time you ever drank. I know you’ve probably done things your mom and I don’t know about. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but I love you. I love you so much. But I don’t know what you’re doing, and I can’t take the chance that you’ll start doing worse than sneaking off and drinking. I can’t watch you kill yourself. Neither of us can. And with the road you’re on, that’s where you’re headed. I don’t have it in me to bury you.” Kayla’s stony silence continued, so Sam pushed on. “This doesn’t have to be forever. When you’re ready to talk, really talk, about coming home, I promise I’ll listen. But we all need some space from each other. I need you to think about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Really think about it. Okay?”

Kayla picked up her bag and decided she would talk to her father. “I listened to you. And I only have one thing to say. When you tell Mary what you did tonight, ask her what she said the night she slept in my room earlier this week.”

Kayla went to Casey, who started helping her through security. The line was surprisingly slow, and Kayla was rounding the corner to go to her gate in just under five minutes. Though Kayla had seen the surprised look on Sam’s face when she said what she said, she hadn’t seen Sam hit his knees weeping when she was out of sight. She hadn’t seen her mother have to comfort Sam, picking him up and helping him to the car. She hadn’t heard Jess trying to convince him that they were doing the right thing, no matter what her earlier doubts were. She didn’t feel her father hoping that she didn’t hate him for this.

What Sam and Jess didn’t see was Kayla sit down and open the Pop-Tarts Jess had given her earlier. They didn’t see her turn down Casey’s offer to sit with her until the plane was boarding because she wanted to be alone. They didn’t feel her heart hurting every time it beat, and how hard it was for her to choke down the food. They didn’t hear her thinking that she had to eat the Pop-Tart because it was the only proof she felt she had that her mother still cared about her.

They didn’t see how, after the plane took off, all Kayla could think about was how much she loved her parents and wanted them to know, but she didn’t know how to tell them anymore. How she just didn’t want them to see how broken she really was inside.

How she didn’t want them to hate her either.


	24. Chapter 24

John hated feeling unsure of himself. He liked to make people think he knew exactly what he was doing at every minute of the day.

And he’d never felt more like an idiot.   


As he stood waiting for Kayla’s plane to land, John was wondering exactly what he had been thinking. He wanted to help Sam out, but he honestly felt this was the wrong way. From the way Sam had described it, Kayla had been lying about failing school and had snuck off to a party to drink the weekend before. _So what_, John had wanted to say. _She’s a teenager, that’s the kind of stupid crap she’s supposed to do. _Sam had argued that he thought she was doing worse. _Then keep a closer eye on her. Put her on lockdown if you have to_, John had wanted to say to that.

John had often thought to himself as Kayla grew up that Sam and Jess were too permissive with her. Though she was usually a well-behaved kid when she’d lived close to him years earlier, there were times she could sport a bad attitude that would put any older teenager to shame. John had no trouble quelling that bad attitude with a look that Dean described as ‘freezing the depths of hell’, and normally that was all it took to get Kayla back in line. He recalled Leslie asking a five-year-old Kayla whether her grandpa spoiled her.

“Not as much as Mommy and Daddy do.” Kayla had replied honestly, as she went back to playing with her toys.

But John hadn’t said no to Sam, and even he didn’t fully understand why. Maybe it was because he was surprised that Sam trusted him with something this big, and he didn’t want to let Sam down. As he watched Kayla’s flight land and the passengers disembark, he decided to put all of that aside. Kayla was one of the last passengers to come out. John didn’t know what he’d been expecting, but a quiet, dejected Kayla hadn’t been it. She came out with a flight attendant, who left when Kayla pointed to John and nodded.

John smiled and waved at Kayla, who simply picked up her bag and walked out to him. No matter the circumstances, John was happy to see her again. Going form seeing Kayla almost every weekend to only seeing her two to three times a year had been quite an unwelcome adjustment. When Kayla finally made her way to him, she didn’t say anything, just wrapped both her arms around John’s waist.

“How you doing, sweetie?”

“Been better.” Kayla said quietly.

Why don’t we go get something to eat?” John said. “Are you hungry?”

Kayla pulled away and nodded. “Yes, sir.” She yawned loudly and rubbed her eyes.

“After we eat, I think someone needs a nap.”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said quietly.

_It’s worse than I thought,_ John thought to himself. Kayla had fought him and her parents on naps like it would kill her to sleep when she was little, and he’d often found Kayla still awake long after he’d put her to bed when she stayed with him. He’d learned long ago to let it go if she stayed in bed and was quiet; trying to force her to sleep just prolonged the battle and made the both of them more tired the next day.

As he drove the twenty minutes to the pancake house Kayla loved to visit, John kept a close eye on Kayla. She stared out the window completely drained of energy, though that wasn’t all that John saw in her face. He couldn’t quite articulate what he saw there, but he’d seen the look on far too many hunters before.

Kayla had given up.

“Do you know what you want to eat?” When Kayla didn’t answer, John gently tapped her on the shoulder, surprised when she jumped. “Sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just asked if you know what you want to eat.”

“Sorry, Grandpa. I was just thinking. No, I don’t really care where we eat.”

“I was thinking of that pancake place you loved.”

“That sounds good.” Kayla said. “Thanks.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

“You sure about that?” John asked. He knew he was pushing, but he wanted her to talk.

“I’m sure.” Kayla said. “I’m just really tired.”

“Okay.”

After the truck rolled on for another mile, Kayla spoke for the first time. “I just don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what?”

“I thought everything was getting better.” Kayla said. “I know I lied to my mom and dad. I lied to them for a long time. I get why they don’t trust me. But they did the same thing.”

“What do you mean?”

For claiming that she didn’t want to talk, Kayla suddenly became a gusher of information. “They made me think everything was okay. They barely talked to me for days after I went to that party. The only time they did was to boss me around or yell at me or spank me again like when I snapped at Daddy. Then they came in and said they were taking me to dinner and that we’d talk about me being able to walk to school and stuff.”

“How were you doing in school?” John asked.

“Grandpa, if I’d stayed, I would’ve passed. I brought my grades back up to a B. I had three more weeks. I could’ve passed with an A and gone to high school next year.”

“What?”

John was surprised. Sam had not mentioned that part. He’d assumed that if Sam was making a move as drastic as moving Kayla away from home, her academics were not improving.

“Yeah. I was doing really good in school. Now I’m back where I started. I did all that work for nothing.”

_Not if I can help it, _John thought. _And I’ll be having a conversation of my own with your father tonight._ “We’ll see about that. Don’t worry about it now.”

“Grandpa? What if Mary thinks I just left?”

“She won’t. I promise.”

“How do you know? I had a dream earlier this week that Mom and Dad would send me away. Mary said that mommies and daddies don’t do that.”

John was pulling up to the pancake house. He stopped the truck and turned to Kayla. “We’ll talk about this later. Let’s go get some food, huh?”

Kayla nodded. She wasn’t very hungry, but she was queasy from the flight, and figured that a little food would help settle her stomach. Though he was good at hiding it, Kayla picked up on John being angry at something. _What did I do now,_ she thought as she went in with John. John tried to change the subject, but Kayla wasn’t talking very much. She answered each question he asked of her with the absolute least amount of words she could. He’d thought about waiting until they got home to talk to Kayla about her time with him, but he decided not to put it off.

“Alright, kiddo. Let’s talk.”

“About what?” Kayla asked.

“Kayla Ellen Winchester, look me in the eye.” John said.

When Kayla looked up, John was immediately transported back to her younger days. She looked like a hurt, scared three-year-old rather than a teenager.

“What’s going on?” John asked.

“I messed up.” Kayla said simply.

“I know you messed up. Your dad told me everything. What I want to know is _why_ you messed up.” John said. “This isn’t like you. Help me understand it.”

For a brief moment, Kayla considered telling her grandfather everything. Telling him about the bad dreams she’d kept from her parents. About what started them in the first place. Just like he’d expected her to be angry, she’d expected the same from him. But she couldn’t tell him. So she shook her head and said,

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You don’t know why you snuck out of the house and went to a party and drank at thirteen? You don’t know why you’ve been snapping at your parents, your little sisters, your teachers? Why your grades have dropped like a stone?” John asked, his voice easily dropping back into the old drill sergeant mode that had been natural with Sam and Dean, but scarce with his grandchildren. “You don’t know why any of this is happening?”

Kayla, not used to being chewed out by her grandfather, had dropped her eyes back to the table. “No, sir.”

“Kayla, look at me.” John said again.

Kayla looked back up, worried at her grandfather’s harshness.

“I don’t know why you’re lying to me. But I’m not going to press. I have a feeling that if I do, you’ll just shut down and not talk to me about anything. But I expect you to tell me one day.” John waited a moment before speaking again, taking note at the flicker of fear that went through Kayla’s eyes. “Understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Okay. Now we need to discuss the rules for when you’re here. Your dad wanted me to enforce his grounding while you’re here. But I’m not gonna do that.” John said.

“Really?” Kayla asked, shocked at his generosity.

“Really.” John said with a smile. “Bobby and I talked a lot about it last night, and we decided that you deserve a second chance here. But you’re on your _last _chance. You’re old enough to know the rules. Be respectful. Pick up after yourself. Do what Bobby and I tell you to do, when we tell you to do it, and no arguing. You don’t follow any of those rules, you get one warning, and then I will put you right back on your dad’s grounding. Understand?”

“I understand.” Kayla said. “Thank you, grandpa.”

“One more thing. If I catch you drinking, sneaking out, or doing anything else dangerous or illegal, I will not hesitate to make that whipping your dad gave you look like a walk in the park. I will spank you when I find you, and every single day for a week before you go to bed. Understood?”

“Understood.” Kayla said.

“Alright.” John said. “Now that that’s out of the way, I have one more question for you. No getting out of this one.”

“What’s that?”

“Why are you so sad?” John asked. “You’ve looked ready to cry ever since you got here.”

Kayla’s bottom lip began to shake. “They sent me away.”

“Your mom and dad?”

Kayla nodded and wiped her eyes.

“I know you’re upset. I don’t blame you.” John said. “But I can promise you that this wasn’t easy on them either.”

“It hurts.” Kayla admitted. “They got tired of me and sent me away. Like I’m some bad gift they got and returned.”

“Sweetheart, listen to me. Your mom and dad are not tired of you. They love you. But I want you to think about this. How do you think your mom and dad feel when you treat them the way you’ve treated them?”

“Pretty bad, I guess.” Kayla said.

“And your dad said you and him have been arguing a lot more lately. Is that true?”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said.

“Well, look on the bright side. You spend a little time with me, calm down some, and maybe things can start getting better between you three.” John said.

“Maybe.” Kayla said, though she said it just to appease him and hoping he would change the subject. “Can we go to the house now? I’m pretty tired.”

John knew right away that Kayla was blowing him off, but knew better than to press. He’d been through enough to see that something was hurting Kayla. Something buried deep, that she didn’t want to let out. And in the true Winchester fashion, she didn’t want to burden anyone else with it, so she told everyone that everything was okay.

Bobby wasn’t there when John and Kayla returned, so Kayla went straight up to bed. John waited a half hour after she went up and went to check that she was sleeping. Kayla had placed her duffel bag on the floor and climbed onto the bed without so much as taking off her shoes. In her hands she held something that John couldn’t quite make out. When he approached her to wrap her up with the blanket at the end of the bed, he caught a glimpse of it. It was a photo of Kayla as a baby. Leslie was helping her dress in a suit.

John’s heart twisted a bit inside of him as he wrapped up the sleeping Kayla. Though Sam’s mother Mary was and always would be the love of his life, Leslie had definitely taken a piece of his heart years after he thought it was possible for anyone to do that. The two of them had stayed together from the time they’d first met, when Kayla was eighteen months old, until she died a few weeks after Kayla’s tenth birthday. There were days when John would look at Jess and swear that Leslie was still alive. There were parts of Kayla that made John think of her late grandmother as well.

John wrapped up Kayla, gently pulled off her shoes, closed the bedroom door, and walked downstairs. He debated calling Sam at all. But when he thought about how Kayla had looked in the car, he changed his mind. The phone rang four times. Just as John was about to hang up, Sam finally answered.

“Hey, Dad. Sorry, Mary and Jess were napping, I had to get out the bedroom. Did Kayla get there okay?”

_So you were taking a nap with your other kid while I’m here taking care of your heartbroken one?_ “Yeah, Sam. She got here okay. That’s not what I called to talk about.”

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s _wrong_?” John asked incredulously. “Are you kidding me, Sam? I asked you if you told me everything. You didn’t.”

“I did tell you, Dad…”

“You told me that her grades were coming back up? That she was working her ass off to change? That you basically lied to her and made her think that you were gonna let her off the hook, then pulled the bait and switch of the century?”

“Dad, I…”

“I don’t want to hear it, Sam. I told you I didn’t think this was a good idea. You led me to believe she was getting worse, not better. Why would you send her from home if she was doing better?”

“A _year,_ Dad. She lied to me for a _year_. I did give her another chance. And she turned around and she went to that party…”

“I get it, Sam. I get it. What she did was stupid. I’m not arguing with you about that. But she was trying to make it right. She was _trying,_ and you did nothing but kick her out of the house for it.”

“You don’t think I tried?” Sam asked angrily. “You haven’t been here, Dad. It’s not just school.”  


“I know. You told me. She’s changed. Well, what the hell do you think this is going to do to her?”

“So tell me what else to do, Dad!”

“You keep trying, Sam. You don’t stop. You don’t ever stop.”

“Why didn’t you say this when I asked you?”

“Because I thought she was getting worse.”

Sam sighed deeply into the phone. “Fine. Send her back here if you’re so against it.”

“No. You’re not getting off that easy. Kayla’s staying here with me. She’s a wreck, Sam. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but part of it is your fault.”

“You’ve got a hell of a nerve with this.” Sam said angrily.

“Yeah. You’re right, Sam. I sucked as a Dad. Okay? I admit it. I failed in my job as your father. I was never there for you. That’s why this really disappoints me. You’re usually such a good dad. You try so hard _not _to be me. I get that. But you’ve fallen down on the job here.” When Sam said nothing back, John took a deep breath to say something else before Sam interrupted.

“Don’t you think I know all that, Dad? Do you think I’m enjoying this? Don’t you think I feel like a shitty father right now? Do you think I just wanted to throw her away or something?”

“That may not be what _you _wanted, Sam. But it’s exactly what Kayla _thinks_ you wanted. Do you know what she said when we stopped to get something to eat?”

“What?”

“She said that she feels like you got tired of her and returned her like a bad Christmas present.”

“She really thinks that?”

“Yes. And I don’t know why you’re so surprised. She’s also hurt because she’s scared that after working so hard in summer school, she’s going to have to repeat eighth grade. I’ll have to go to her school and try to convince them to give her a chance for the ninth grade. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, Sam.”

Sam’s heart sank. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“See, that surprises me, Sam. You’re so thoughtful, and this is a big detail for you to miss.”

Sam, not sure how to react to John’s mixed compliment, said nothing. “Dad, please. I’m scared. I need your help here. I honestly thought that if she stayed here she would’ve gone down a worse path than she was already on. I really think that there’s a lot more going on than she’s told us. I know I should’ve told her the truth. I get I handled it wrong. I’ve tried to ask her, I’ve tried snooping through her room, I’ve tried everything I can think of, Dad. Please help me here. Try to find out what’s really going on. If she’ll talk to me, I’ll apologize to her. I swear. But Dad, please. Please help me. I’m so scared that she’ll…”

“That she’ll what, Sam?”

“She’ll kill herself, Dad. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please help us here.”

A conflicted John rubbed his forehead, trying to stop the headache he felt coming. Kayla was clearly hurting. He still thought Sam had overreacted sending her away, but he could hear it in Sam’s voice. He honestly thought he was doing the right thing. Sam was struggling and in pain himself. He was past the end of his rope, lost and confused, feeling like a failure. It was a feeling John was familiar with himself. The difference suddenly became glaringly obvious to John. While John had always been too stubborn to admit when he needed help, Sam knew he did and was reaching out.

“Okay. I’ll do this for you, Sam. But I need you to understand this. You’re handing the reins over to me. You have no say in what I do or how I deal with Kayla. That’s the only way that this _might _work. Got it?”

“Yeah, Dad. Got it.”

“And Sam? She told me about the last week. I know you were mad, but cutting her out was wrong. She’s taking a now, but when she wakes up, I’m not going to make her talk to you. I’ll try to convince her to, but it’ll be her decision when or if she does it.”

“I understand. Thank you, Dad.”

“Don’t thank me for this. Not unless it works.” John said.

“I gotta go, Dad. Mary just woke up.”

“Go.” John said. “I’ll talk to you later, Sam.”

“Bye, Dad.”

John hung up the phone and set it back on the counter. “What the hell did I get myself into?”


	25. Chapter 25

Back at Sam and Jess’s, the atmosphere was still thick and tense. Sam and Jess sat in the car outside in the driveway, dreading walking in and talking to Mary. They had dropped Mary off with Dean the night before, before taking Kayla to dinner. Sam jumped when he felt Jess take his hand.

“Sorry.” She said kindly. “You okay?”

“No.” Sam said honestly. “No, I’m not.”

“What are you thinking?”

Sam sighed. “That she’s gonna hate us forever.”

“She won’t.” Jess said. “I promise.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Mommy knows.” Jess said, using a phrase with him that Sam had heard her use with the two girls many times.

“I don’t know. I hated my dad being away all the time. I didn’t forgive him for a long time.”

“You said it yourself.” Jess said. “It’s better for her to hate us for a little while than to get that phone call that she’s…” Jess shuddered, the thought of even finishing her sentence too much.

“I know.” Sam said. “I know.”

“And we’re not abandoning her there. She can call anytime she wants. We’ll go to see her. We haven’t left her, Sam. She’s just gonna be in a different place for a while.” Jess assured him. “Okay?”

Sam nodded. “Thanks.”

“You ready to do this? Or you want to wait for later?”

“No. Let’s do it.” Sam said. “Better to swallow the pill now.”

“Hey.” Jess said, squeezing Sam’s hand and kissing it. “We’ll be okay.”

“I hope so.” Sam said. “Let’s go.”

As they walked into the house, Kayla’s words in the airport were rolling around in his head. _When you tell Mary what you did tonight, ask her what she said the night she slept in my room earlier this week. _Sam grabbed the doorknob, and Jess squeezed his other hand again. Sam looked over at her, and could hear the silent conversation that Jess was trying to have with him. _You’re a good dad. It will be okay, even if it’s not right now. _Sam just nodded and prepared to open the door, before it was opened for him.

“Boo!”

Sam jumped at the small fright, then started to smile when Mary laughed at him from the doorway. She had on the Halloween mask that had been part of her costume the year before, a ghost. Jess picked up Mary, making her ‘silly girl’ giggle as she took her over to the couch and tickled her. Sam stepped in and closed the door. Dean was standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Did I scare you, Daddy?”

“You sure did, baby.” Sam said with a sad smile.

“Daddy? You okay? You look sad.”

_Straight to the point_, Sam thought.

“Daddy and I need to talk to you, sweetie.” Jess said. “We need you to listen to us really good, okay?”

Mary grabbed the lobes of her ears and squeezed slightly. “Listenin’, mommy.”

Mary’s gesture squeezed the hearts of both parents. Kayla had taught her that.

“Sam? You want me to stay?” Dean asked.

Sam looked to Jess, who simply nodded. _We might need him_, Jess said silently. “Yeah. Thanks, Dean.”

Dean watched Sam closely as he sat down. The two of them had been through things that most other people could scarcely imagine, but Dean could see the way this was weighing on Sam. His shoulders sagged, his face was still puffy from crying, and Dean could see that he wanted to cry again and was just holding it in for Mary’s sake. Dean had watched his niece’s change in behavior almost as closely as Sam and Jess had, and while he had been surprised with Sam’s decision to send Kayla to live with John, he secretly agreed with it. He saw nothing but a bleak future for Kayla if something drastic wasn’t done. But clearly, it tore Sam’s soul and broke his heart. Though Dean didn’t have any children of his own, he had raised Sam, and wanted nothing more than to take his brother’s pain away from him.

_Oh, little brother. We’ll get through this together. All of us._

“Mommy, where’s sissy?” Mary asked. “Why wasn’t she home when uncle Dean brought me back?”

Jess looked over at Sam, who looked pained at Mary’s question. Jess touched his shoulder. _I got this._ Sam nodded, staying silent for the moment.

“Sweetheart, Kayla’s not gonna be living with us for a while.”

“What? Why not?” Mary asked, her cheerfulness from just a few seconds earlier changing to bewilderment and fear. “Where’s she?”

Jess took a deep breath and explained as simply as possible, “Your daddy and I decided that it was best for your sister to go live with your grandpa John for a while.”

“What?” Mary asked. “You mean you really did send her away?”

“What do you mean ‘really did send her away’?” Sam asked.

“Sissy had a bad dream that you were gonna send her away because you didn’t want her anymore.”

“When was this?”

“Two nights ago.” Mary said. “She was really scared and I told her not to be.” Mary started crying, but when Sam tried to rub her back, she pushed his hand away. “I feel really stupid now.”

“Why?” Jess asked.

“Because I told her mommies and daddies don’t do that. They don’t send you away.” Mary said, glaring at both of them.

“Honey, I know it’s hard to understand, but this is for the best…” Jess said.

“How?” Mary asked. “You always said you loved us no matter how bad we were.”

“I do. Daddy and I both do.”

“How do you love Kayla when she’s not here?” Mary asked, tears starting to come down quickly. “You’re supposed to make bad dreams go away. You made hers come true.”

Mary leapt off the couch and ran down the hall towards Kayla’s room. Her stunned parents heard her jump on the bed and start weeping. Sam propelled himself up off the couch and out the door, while Jess ran a hand through her hair, grateful that it was Saturday and no one had work or school to go to. _Even if that would be a good distraction right now._

“You okay?”

Jess laughed humorlessly. “I’m not sure I even know what ‘okay’ is right now.”

“Fair.”

“Dean? Did we do the right thing here?” Jess asked.

“She’s not my kid. It’s your call.”

“You raised Sam. You get a call.” Jess said.

Dean sighed. “It’s not like there’s a handbook for this. But yes, I think you did the right thing. And I think, eventually, Kayla will see that too.”

“I expected her to fight us, but she didn’t. We told her, and she just went quiet. She didn’t say a word to me or Sam until she was leaving.”

“What did she say?”

“To ask Mary what she said the night they slept together in Kayla’s room.” Jess said. It suddenly occurred to her that Mary had answered the question without it being asked. “Damn it.”

“What?”

“What Mary said. ‘Mommies and daddies don’t do that.’ How the hell do I explain this to her?” Jess asked.

Dean moved from the kitchen to sit next to Jess. “Just tell her that Kayla had to go away for a while to get herself sorted out. That she’ll come back happier and more like herself. That it might hurt for a while, but in the end it’ll be worth it.”

“Was that for me or for her?”

“Both.” Dean said, smiling. “Why don’t I go talk to Sam and you go talk to Mary?”

“Deal.” Jess agreed. “Hey, Dean? Thanks. For everything.”

“You got it.”

Jess headed down the hall to Kayla’s room, where she found a heartbroken Mary on top of Kayla’s bed, gripping Kayla’s teddy bear in a suffocating chokehold. Jess walked in and sat down, but Mary either didn’t notice or didn’t acknowledge her mother’s presence. Jess reached over and started to cautiously rub her back, and was relieved when Mary didn’t back away like she’d done with Sam in the living room.

“You’re not supposed to be in Sissy’s room unless she says it’s okay.” Jess said gently.

Mary hiccupped and turned her big, wet, brown eyes on her mom. “She doesn’t like you and daddy in here. She said I could come to her bed when I didn’t feel safe.”

“Why don’t you feel safe?”

“’Cause I thought mommies and daddies was supposed to take care of you ‘till you’re all growed up.” Mary said. “Even when you’re acting bad.”

“Honey, I know this is hard for you to understand.”

“What about if I don’t eat my dinner? If I don’t take a bath or I get in trouble at school? I’m scared, mommy. You’ll send me away too.” Mary said.

“Sweetie, stop. Take a breath.” Jess said. She led Mary through a few deep breaths, then explained, “Daddy and I did not send Kayla away because she was in trouble.”

“You didn’t?”

“No. We would never do that, to you or to her.” Jess said. “We sent Kayla away because something is making her really, really sad.”

“But you guys hug me or hold me when I’m sad.”

“And we would have done that for Kayla if she’d let us.” Jess said. “For some reason, Kayla couldn’t get better staying at home. So we sent her to grandpa’s to give her some space and help her get better. Okay? Does that make sense?”

“I guess.” Mary said. “Why didn’t you let me say goodbye?”

“Because everyone was already upset enough.” Jess said honestly. “But I promise you can talk to Kayla tonight before you go to sleep.”

Mary nodded. “Okay, mommy.”

“Do you have any other questions?” Jess asked.

“Will Kayla be back tomorrow?”

“No. Not tomorrow. But one day. I promise.” Jess said.

“Can we go see her? Can she visit us?”

“We will definitely go and see her. If she’s gone long enough, yes, we will let her come visit.” Jess said.

Mary nodded, apparently satisfied with Jess’s answers.

“I think someone needs a nap.” Jess said with a smile.

“No nap.” Mary said with a familiar pout.

Jess smiled and decided to try a different route. “Mommy needs one. Will you lay down with me?”

“Will daddy come too?”

“I bet he would if you asked him.” Jess said. “You want to go outside and ask?”

“Sure.” Mary said. She looked at the teddy bear in her hand. “Mommy? If Kayla wants Jackie, can we mail him to her?”

“We sure can. Come on.” Jess picked up the sleepy Mary and took her outside.

As Jess talked to Mary, Dean stepped outside and found Sam leaning against the trunk of his car. He looked more exhausted than Dean had ever seen him. Sam’s head was down when Dean first approached, and Dean hoped he wasn’t crying again.

“Hey.”

Sam looked up and smiled sadly. “Hey.”

“How’s it goin’?”

“Well, neither of my kids wants anything to do with me. They don’t even want me to touch them. So things are just perfect right now.”

“Come on, Sam. You’re being too hard on yourself.” Dean said.

“Am I?” Sam asked. “Dean, what kind of parent…?”

“Daddy?”

Sam turned to find Jess holding a tired Mary on her shoulder. “Hey, bug. You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m okay.” Mary said. “I’m sorry I gotted mad at you, Daddy.”

“It’s okay.” Sam said sincerely. “Did mommy talk to you?”

“Yeah. She said you guys sent Kayla to grandpa’s ‘cause she was sad and couldn’t get better here. Is that right?”

“That’s right.” Sam said.

“Mary was worried we’d send her away too just because she got in trouble.”

“Never.” Sam said firmly. “Never, baby. We would never punish you by sending you away from home.”

“You promise Kayla’s coming back? It’s not forever?”

“It’s not forever.” Sam promised.

“’Kay, Daddy.” Mary said. “Me and mommy’s gonna take a nap. Will you come wif us? Please?”

“Sure, baby.” Sam said.

“I’m heading home.” Dean said. “Call me if you need me. Okay?”

“Sure. Thanks, Dean.”

As Dean went to the Impala to head back to his own apartment, Sam accepted a hug from Mary. As good as it felt to be back in a somewhat good place with Mary, Sam couldn’t help the thought that crossed his mind, that made his heart hurt every time it beat.

_Kayla should be here._


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: I’ve decided to change a few minor things in this version of the story. Kayla’s a little more angry at her parents here than she was before. After I finish this story, I’m planning to combine The Moon and the Stars, this story, All’s Well That Keeps Going, another story I’m planning to write about the years between Kayla meeting Todd and ** [ **Requiesce in Pace Tata** ](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13359858/1/Requiesce-in-Pace-Tata) **.**

**I want to thank all my regular Kayla story readers for their patience. Y’all are the best! **

_Kayla held Mommy and Daddy’s hand tight. They were going for a walk, and Kayla loved the time with them. She loved having Mommy and Daddy all to herself. They were happy, which made Kayla happy, and she begged them again to swing her. _

_“Swing me again!” _

_“Aren’t you getting dizzy?” Daddy asked. _

_“No! Swing me, pleeeease?” _

_“Okay, okay, silly girl. Remember, hold on tight, okay?” _

_“I wills, Mommy. Pwomise. Come on, let’s do it!” _

_“Alright, let’s go.” _

_Before Mommy and Daddy could get Kayla swinging again, a black cloud came up and scared Kayla. She tried to hide behind Daddy, but he picked her up and set her in front of them. _

_“Daddy, hide me. I’m scared.” _

_“No.” _

_“Daddy, it’s gonna take me away. Please don’t let it.” _

_“You’re not coming back with us, Kayla.” Jess said. “Goodbye.” _

_The black cloud finally came and picked up Kayla. She was surprised that, since this was a cloud, it could pick her up, but she had to fight and kick and scratch and scream. Mommy and Daddy would come up and save her. They wouldn’t let it take her. _

_“Mommy! Daddy! Help me!!!” _

_But when Kayla looked back, she knew they wouldn’t help her. Mommy and Daddy were laughing at her. They weren’t sad she was being taken from them. They were happy to see her go. Kayla felt something grab her ankle…_

John was shocked when Kayla jumped up and scrambled to the corner of the bed. “Don’t touch me!”

“Sorry, sweetie.” John said, putting his hands up in the air. “I just came to wake you up for dinner.”

“Oh.” Kayla’s rapidly beating heart started to slow down when she realized she was safe. “Sorry, grandpa. You scared me.”

“It’s okay. You want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about.” Kayla said a little too quickly to be believed. “You just scared me, that’s all.”

“You sure?” John asked.

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said. “I’m just still tired. That’s all.”

“Okay.” John said, deciding not to push it again. “Come on. Dinner’s ready.”

“I’ll be right there. I’m just gonna wash my face.”

John went down to the kitchen and Kayla went to the bathroom. When she looked at herself in the mirror, the familiar thoughts came floating back. _You’re ugly. No one wants you. _She shook her head to force the ugly thoughts out, even though she felt they were true. She washed her face like she told John, trying not to relive the dream she’d had during her nap. It had been the same one she’d had before, with her parents swinging her on the sidewalk and the black cloud taking her away. But there was a new, even crueler twist this time. As the black cloud took her away, she could see her parents on the sidewalk, laughing as she was carried away kicking and screaming. John called up to the bathroom when she didn’t come down, and Kayla wiped her face and headed down.

“Well if you ain’t a sight for sore eyes.”

Kayla smiled a genuine smile for the first time that day. “Hi, uncle Bobby.”

“Where’s my hug?”

Kayla grabbed Bobby around the waist, the first person she’d been happy to see for a while. Bobby hadn’t been home when she and John returned from lunch, so Kayla had gone straight up to sleep.

“I’m glad you’re here, kid.”

Kayla wanted to weep when Bobby said that. She’d done nothing but make everyone miserable for months. To feel wanted again was an amazing feeling.

“You hungry? I made your favorite.”

Kayla turned to the table and her mouth fell open. “Pork chops! Thanks, uncle Bobby!”

“You’re welcome, kid. Sit down, come on.”

Bobby kept a close eye on Kayla through dinner. She seemed to be okay to him, but there was something Bobby couldn’t quite place. Something familiar, that was out of place on the face of the little kid who used to refuse to leave Bobby’s lap until he gave her a piece of candy and made him promise not to tell her mother. As Kayla finished her dinner and gathered her dishes to take them to the sink, Bobby put it together.

Kayla looked older than she was. Something had happened to her that she was keeping to herself.

_That’s all right. We’ll figure it out. _

Bobby helped her with the dishes, trying to get her to talk the entire time. Kayla was more than willing to ask him questions about what was going on with him, but anything about her and she quickly changed the subject. Bobby decided he had plenty of time, so he sent Kayla up to get her bath and start getting ready for bed.

“You get anything out of her?” John asked when Bobby came back to the living room.

“Not a thing.”

John sighed. “Bobby, something’s going on with her.”

“You think she’s just upset about being sent here?”

“I don’t think that’s it. I do think she’s upset about that, and rightly so. But I still think there’s more to it.” John looked to Bobby to see if he was on the right track. “You think I’m overreacting?”

“No. I think you’re right. She’s like a mix of Sam and Dean.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she’s emotional like Sam was at that age, but she doesn’t want anyone to know what’s wrong with her…”

“Just like Dean.” John finished.

“Exactly. I know you’re allergic to this, but you want some advice?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“Don’t push it. Don’t try and force her to talk. If there’s really something bad going on, she’ll tell us.”

“I don’t do that well.”

Bobby chuckled. “What? Not trying to force her to talk?”

“Patience.”

Kayla walked back to the living room, her PJs on and still looking exhausted.

“You want to watch with me, kiddo?”

“Sure.” A few minutes passed in silence before John spoke. “What are you thinking about?”

“Daddy asked me to call to tell them I was here.”

“I called them while you were sleeping.” John said.

He wanted to tell Kayla Jess had called him a few minutes after he’d hung up with Sam. He wanted to tell Kayla that he’d ripped into Sam for not being completely truthful with him. As much as he wanted to do that, he contained himself. He wanted Kayla to start towards the path of _forgiving _Sam, and working towards resolving any hurt feelings towards him, rather than allowing her to hold on to a grudge.

“What did they say?”

“Your mom said to tell you she wants to talk to you, but it’s up to you. To call whenever you’re ready.” John said.

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Are you going to call them?” John asked.

“I don’t know.” Kayla said. “I want to talk to my mom.”

“So call her. It’s okay if you’re upset with your dad and want to wait a little bit. Just don’t wait too long, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, grandpa. I’m gonna go call mom.” Kayla said.

“Sounds like a plan. After that, I want you to go to bed.” Kayla scrunched her face in a way that reminded him of feeding her a lemon at the age of eighteen months, making him chuckle. “Relax. I know it’s early. You don’t have to go to sleep right away, but I can tell you’re still tired. But after this, your bedtime on the weekends is ten, and after that it’s 9:30.”

“Even though I’m not in school?” Kayla said, trying to crack a smile and get him to change his mind.

“You will be soon enough.” John said. “School starts here in two weeks.”

“It’s July!”

“Year-round, kiddo.” John said.

“Oh.” Kayla suddenly realized how permanent this arrangement actually was.

“What’s wrong?” John asked. “You didn’t think your dad would ask me to take care of you and not send you to school did you?”

“No. It’s just…nothing. Never mind. Good night, grandpa. Good night, uncle Bobby.”

Kayla rushed out of the room and into the kitchen, where the cordless phone labeled ‘Home’ was mounted on the wall. Dad had always warned her that the ones labeled ‘FBI’, ‘CIA’, ‘CDC’, and other things were for Bobby’s work and not to ever, ever, ever ask him about it. Still feeling the slightest bit of defiance towards her father, she thought about asking later in the week just out of spite. She decided against it. She did want to make things better with her father, even if the thought of talking to him right now made her want to smash everything breakable around. Kayla picked up the home phone and dialed the number, her breath catching when it started to ring. After three rings, the voice she was waiting on filled her ears and pricked her heart again.

“John?”

Kayla swallowed, biting back more tears. She hadn’t realized how badly she wanted her mother until she heard her voice.

“John? Is Kayla okay?”

“It’s me, mom.” Kayla said.

A slightly shocked Jess simply said “Oh” before Kayla could actually hear her smile. “Hi, sweetie.”

“Hi.” Kayla said, trying to stop her furiously hitching breath.

“Are you okay? How was your flight?”

“It was fine.” Kayla said. The small talk was too much.

“You sound like you’re crying, honey.”

_Not yet,_ Kayla thought. “No. I’m just going to bed in a minute.”

“Already?”

  
“Yeah. Grandpa wants me to go to sleep early tonight.” Kayla said simply.

“I see. Look, your dad’s standing right here, do you want to talk to him too?” Jess asked.

“No.” Kayla said simply.

Jess sighed. “Kay…”

“I’m not saying never, mom. Just not right now.” Kayla said. “Just give me some time. Please?”

A short pause and Kayla heard the phone shake a little. She could see in her mind’s eye her mom look at Sam and shake her head. She pictured her father’s hurt expression, saw him bite his bottom lip, close his eyes, and blink to stop tears from coming. _Just like me right now._

“Okay, sweetie. How about your sister?”

“Yeah, I want to talk to Mary.” Kayla said.

“Okay. But first, I want to tell you something. Don’t be mad at her for this, but Mary told us about your nightmare the other night.”

_Little snitch_, Kayla couldn’t help but think.

“Kayla, I’m sorry. Daddy and I had no idea you were feeling that way. Why didn’t you say something?”

“I honestly didn’t think you’d care.” Kayla said honestly.

“Listen to me. That is not true. No matter how much trouble you might be in, Daddy and I always care if you are hurting or scared or lonely. That is always something you can come to us with.”

_Not when I’m across the country from you_, Kayla thought but didn’t say. What she did say tore into Jess’s heart and soul. “How, Mom?”

“How what?”

“How was I supposed to come to you with this? You and Dad punished me for this, then basically told me to go away and leave you alone.”

“We told you could talk to us if you needed to…”

“After you basically gave me the silent treatment and yelled at me for getting breakfast. Which you never told me I couldn’t do by the way.”

“Kay, I’m sorry…”

“Can I talk to Mary, please?” Kayla asked shortly.

Jess sighed. “Sure. One more thing though. I put something in your suitcase. In the front pocket. I want you to take it out and read it before you go to sleep.”

“Fine.” Kayla said.

“Okay. I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

“Goodnight, mom.” Kayla said, the _I love you too_ that she knew Jess needed to hear stuck in her throat.

A second later, a much more excited voice filled the phone. “Sissy!”

“Hi. How are you?”

“Sissy, I’m sorry.” Mary said right away.  
  
“Sorry for what?”

“That I told you mommy and daddy wouldn’t send you away. I really didn’t think they would.” Mary said.

“I know, pooh bear. Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” Kayla said.

“Do you want Jackie? Mommy said we’d mail him to you if you did.”

Kayla hadn’t even thought about the old teddy bear on her bed. “No. Will you take care of him for me?”

“Sure. Can I sleep on your bed ‘till you come back?”

“You bet you can.” Kayla said. “Listen, I want you to do something for me.”

“What?”

“I want you to tell mommy and daddy both ‘I love you’ and give them super tight hugs every single night that I’m gone. Okay?”

“I do that anyway.” Mary said proudly.

“Yeah, but I want you to give them two each. One from you and one from me. But don’t tell them the second one’s from me. Deal?”

“Why don’t you want them to know?” Mary asked.

“I’ll tell them when I’m ready. Promise me?”

“Promise, Sissy. I love you.”

“I love you too. I love you more than anything, Mary.” Kayla said. “Sweet dreams.”

“Sleep good, Kay’a.” Mary said, yawning into the phone. “Don’t have no bad dreams.”

“I’ll do my best.” Kayla said. “Hey, Mary?”

“Yeah?”

“Be good, okay? Take care of mommy and daddy for me.” Kayla said.

“I will. Gotta go, Sissy. Mommy ready to tuck me in.”

Kayla hung up the phone at that. She hadn’t been tucked in in years, but she suddenly felt overwhelming jealousy at her sister. The thought of her mom and dad sitting over her bed, talking to her or singing to her, brought a painful lump to her throat. But the tears still wouldn’t come, and Kayla made the slow walk down the hall towards her room.

At Sam and Jess’s, Mary had finally fallen asleep, and Sam and Jess were lying in their bed, minds swirling over the phone conversation with Kayla. Sam hadn’t said anything about Kayla not talking to him, and had his nose buried in a book that he was staring holes through.

“Talk to me.” Jess said.

“About what?”

“Don’t play that game. You know about what.” Jess said.

Sam closed the book and placed it beside him. “She didn’t want to talk to me, Jess. What is there to talk about?”

“Does it bother you?”

“Of course it does! It kills me.” Sam said emotionally. “Then to hear Mary say she thinks we don’t want her…”

“I told Kayla it wasn’t true.” Jess said. “That we do care about her. That she can always come to us if she’s hurt, scared, or lonely.”

“What did she say?”

“I don’t think she believed me.” Jess said. “She pretty much chewed me out over the last week.”

Sam squirmed. “Yeah, I don’t think I’ve given Kayla much reason to think we’d be there for her. And Dad chewed me out too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean ever since I spanked her for going to that party, I was so hurt that she pushed me away that I made her stay in her room.” Sam said.

“Sam, she was grounded. She was supposed to be in her room.”

“Yeah, but she couldn’t even go to the bathroom without me jumping down her throat.” Sam explained. “What if she tried to tell me and I just didn’t let her?”

“Tell her that.” Jess said. “When you do talk to her, tell her that. Maybe she’ll open up some more if she feels like she’s not the only one who messed up here.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Sam said. “I just miss her.”

“I know. Me too.” Jess reached over and turned off the lamp next to their bed. “And what do you mean your dad chewed you out too?”

“He called me while you and Mary were napping. Got on me about not telling him the whole story about Kayla?”

“What did you not tell him?”

“About her doing better in school. About how she was trying to do better.”

“Did you tell him about the dream?”

“No. But I did tell him what we thought would happen if we didn’t send her to him.” Sam said. “That’s what changed his mind, I think.”

Jess shook her head. “I never should have listened to that stupid dream.”

“No, honey. You did the right thing. With me working all the time and you having Mary, Dad and Bobby can give her the attention we can’t. I’d rather her hate us for a while than risk the worst.”

“I guess you’re right.” Jess said. “Let’s get some sleep.”

Before the two of them closed their eyes to go to sleep, Jess checked the clock. 10:00 on the dot. Jess looked out the window, at the moon hanging just above the house.

“Sleep tight, Kayla bug. Mommy loves you.”


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N: Kayla reads the letter from her mother in this chapter. I decided not to reproduce the letter, since I already put it in a previous chapter.**

Kayla was holding the letter that she'd found in the front pocket of her suitcase, right where her mother had said it would be. The front of the envelope was blank, and Kayla gripped it so hard that her knuckles matched the white color of it. Kayla felt a paralyzing fear of what was in that letter. She imagined her mother's voice in her mind saying all the things she was afraid of. _I know your secret. You're disgusting. I never want to see you again, and neither does your father. Don't ever come around us again._

"Shut up." Kayla said, squeezing her eyes shut tight and ripping open the envelope. Better to rip the bandage off and find out for sure.

John ran from the living room down the hall to Kayla's room. He could hear her crying all the way down the hall. He had his gun drawn, scared that something had broken in and was hurting her. When he found her, she was shaking and sobbing. A crumpled up letter lay on the floor next to the bed. When he picked it up and read it, he realized what had made her so upset and took a seat on the bed. He was surprised when, instead of continuing to sit there crying, Kayla launched herself into his lap and wrapped both arms tightly around his neck.

"Sweetheart…"

"Why am I so messed up?" Kayla asked between sobs.

"What do you mean?"

When Kayla didn't answer, John just held her and rocked her for a few moments. It felt strange after so long, but Kayla didn't let him go or give any indication that she was planning to do so.

"Come on. Let's lay down and go to sleep."

Kayla nearly suffocated John by squeezing his neck even tighter. "No. No, don't leave me, please."

"I won't, honey. I won't."

"Please, don't go, grandpa. Please, just hold me. Don't go."

"I'm right here." John said. "Shhhh. I'm right here, baby girl. I've got you."

Fifteen minutes later, John was laying an exhausted Kayla down into bed. He covered her with her blanket, then picked up the letter from Jess and laid it on the nightstand. As he turned to leave the room, he took another look at the sleeping Kayla.

"What's hurting you so bad, sweetheart?"

John went to bed that night with his brain spinning. Kayla's phrase was burning in his head. _Why am I so messed up_? She'd held onto John as if it would kill her to let him go. He wondered about the last time anyone had held Kayla or hugged her. John had never been much of an affectionate man, but Kayla and then her sister Mary had brought out the best in him. He made up his mind that he'd show Kayla an overabundance of that affection while she was with him, no matter how hard it was for him. Over the next few days, whenever Kayla awoke, she was greeted with a hug from John and one from Bobby, if he was home. If he wasn't, he sought out Kayla when he got back and made her favorite dinner for her.

After having pork chops four times in ten days, John was getting sick of them. But the smile on Kayla's face every time Bobby pulled them out was worth it.

John had talked to Kayla's school on her second day there, with mixed results. She couldn't start ninth grade right away. The students went to school for three weeks then were out for one. As long as Kayla did as well in her first three weeks of school as an eight grader, she would be able to start school as a high schooler in September. He'd dreaded telling Kayla the news, but was pleasantly surprised when she smiled.

"So I only have to do three weeks of eighth grade?"

"You're not upset?"

"I had to do three more weeks at home anyway! This is great! Thanks, Grandpa!"

Ever since, Kayla had seemed to do a complete turnaround from when she first arrived. She was happy, cheerful, and as relaxed as John had ever seen her. John kept her busy with chores for a few days, until Kayla approached him one night, ten days after she'd gotten there. After changing into her pajamas, Kayla approached John and sat next to him, then turned around so she was facing him.

"Are you ready for bed?"

"Yes, sir." Kayla said. "I want to ask you for something."

"What's that?"

"I've been doing good here, right? Behaving? Doing all my chores? All that?"

"You've done very well, honey." John said sincerely. "I'm very proud of you."

"Thanks, Grandpa." Kayla said with a smile. "Well, I was wondering. Um…"

After a few moments of awkward silence, John chuckled. "Just ask me, sweetheart. You can't know if you don't ask."

"I'd like to go explore the neighborhood tomorrow." Kayla explained. "I've seen a few kids around. I'd like to try and meet them before starting school."

John put down the newspaper in his hand and looked at Kayla thoughtfully. She really had done very well. He was also impressed she'd thought to ask ahead of time rather than just assuming she could go.

"If you'd rather me not go, I won't. I just…"

"You can go."

Kayla's mouth hung open in shock. "Really?"

"Really. You've earned it, kiddo. But there's rules."

"Okay. What rules?"

"First, you can go up to three streets away in either direction without calling me or Bobby. You go any further than that, you need to call me or Bobby and ask for permission."

"Deal."

"Second, you can leave whenever, but I want you to come back at noon for lunch, and text me once every hour to let me know you're okay."

"Yes, sir. I can do that."

"Third, you break either of these rules, you're on house arrest. You won't be able to leave again until at least the end of your first three weeks of school. I'm choosing to trust you tomorrow. Don't break it."

"I won't. Thanks, Grandpa."

"You're welcome. Why don't you go on to bed?" When Kayla frowned and looked away, John could see she wanted to talk about something else. "Something else on your mind?"

"Do you think Dad misses me?"

"I know he does. He calls me three times a day to ask me what you're up to."

"He does?"

"He does. He asked me to give you a message. Do you want to hear it?" When Kayla nodded, John told her, "He said to tell you that he loves you very much and he wants to talk to you."

"No."

"Kay…"

"Grandpa, I can't."

"Why can't you?" John asked.

Kayla sighed. "I don't like feeling angry. But I am. And thinking about talking to him just makes me angry all over again. I want to be able to talk to him again. Really talk to him without wanting to throw stuff at him."

John chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"Did you know that me and your uncle Bobby didn't talk at all for nearly six years?"

"What? You guys are best friends. Like brothers."

"We are. We are now, anyway. But we got in a huge fight when your dad left for college."

"Over what?"

"That's not important. The important thing is that I made your uncle Bobby so mad he threatened to shoot me. Had the shotgun cocked and everything."

"How'd you get past that?"

John smiled at the memory. "You, actually."

"Me?"

"Yep. See, it wasn't just Bobby that I wasn't talking to. It was your dad too. And I went to your dad one day for some help. You were in the kitchen with your mom and grandmother."

"I was there? I don't remember that."

"You were really little. Just a few months old. Anyway, your mom set you on the floor to clean your high chair and you took off towards your dad. You had just started to crawl."

"What's that got to do with uncle Bobby?"

"Well, your dad told me that if I wanted to see you, I had to prove it. He told me that he and your mom went to see Bobby about every weekend and took you with them."

"I miss those days."

"Me too, baby girl. Me too." John said. "After I left your dad's I came to Bobby's and told him I was moving in."

"Without even asking? What'd he say?"

"A few words that I won't repeat to you and I'd better not ever hear you say. But once he got all that out he just pointed to the bedroom and told me to take it."

"He wasn't mad at you anymore?"

"I think he saw that I was really sorry for what I did and he decided to give me another chance." John explained. "I know it may not feel like your dad's sorry for what he did. I think he is. And I think you know he is. But I think the real reason you don't want to talk to him is because you're afraid you'll hurt him if you're angry with him."

Kayla swallowed and nodded again. "Yes, sir."

"Listen, kiddo. He really, really wants to hear from you. Even if you yell at him, he'll be happy with that. Just think about calling him. Okay? You can't freeze him out forever."

"I can try."

"But you'll both just end up miserable." John said. "Just think about it. It's still up to you, but just think about it. Okay?"

"Okay, Grandpa. I'll think about it."

"Good. Now it's past your bedtime. Go to bed."

"Yes, sir. Goodnight."

Kayla laid in bed that night thinking about what John had said. She wanted to talk to Sam. She really did. But what was she supposed to say? She couldn't tell him she was okay with what he did. She wasn't. It still stung beyond anything she'd ever felt before. She remembered that spanking he'd given her the week before sending her to John's. The one for going to the party. She could hardly believe it, but she felt like enduring a dozen of those spankings in a row would be less painful than the predicament they were in at the moment. She dozed off thinking on the problem, deciding she had plenty of time to think about it.

Kayla never made it to what Bobby referred to as her 'grand adventure'. After telling John she was leaving, she'd started to walk out and never made it six feet down the sidewalk. She'd tripped and instinctively put her palms out to break her fall.

Right onto a broken beer bottle that had scraped and sliced the palm of both hands.

Kayla had always been tough when it came to pain. John recalled her accidentally walking into a pole while not watching where she was going walking down the street while visiting him and Bobby at the age of four. She'd run smack into the pole, her nose slamming right into the middle of it, and John had been certain she would start wailing at any second. Instead, all Kayla had done was back away from the pole, rub her nose slightly with the palm of her hand, then tweak her nose like a bunny. She'd looked at John and said matter-of-factly,

"Gampa, that hurted. Can I has a popsicle?"

She appeared to have virtually the same attitude now sitting in the exam room. John was impressed; her injury was making _him_ squirm. There were a few small, fine cuts over the hand, but there were also two large cuts, one on each palm, that John was certain were going to require stitches. Kayla hadn't been able to move her hands at all, since the slightest movement to close them was, at best, uncomfortable. The doctor came in and briefly examined her hands, then delivered the bad news.

"Okay, so here goes. You need stitches on these two deep cuts. But I'm going to have to give you two things. I'm going to give you a tetanus shot. I checked your medical records and you haven't had one since you were a baby."

The doctor was looking down at Kayla's chart, and John was standing behind her, so neither of them saw the complete look of panic in Kayla's eyes when the doctor said 'shot'.

"And I'm gonna give you a local anesthetic. I'm gonna give it to you straight in both hands. It'll pinch for a minute, but it's the fastest and most least painful way to stitch you up. Sound good?"

"That's fine." John agreed.

He felt a little silly at allowing Kayla to get stitches in the emergency room when he could easily do it himself. But she did need the tetanus shot, and there was no way to plausibly allow the doctor to give her the tetanus shot but not the stitches. He then realized that Kayla was shaking her head.

"Kayla?"

"No. No shots, grandpa."

"Honey, you need them…" John said, but Kayla's head shook all the more violently.

"No. No, no, no…."

John started to order Kayla to calm down, but the doctor had put down Kayla's chart and was looking at her more closely. "Kayla, are you afraid of needles?"

"No shots. No shots." Kayla kept repeating. "No."

"Kayla…." John said, trying to stay patient. She was thirteen, far too old to have this kind of reaction to simple shots.

"Kayla, listen." The doctor said, interrupting John. "Take my hand. Tell me, why are you so afraid?"

"Can't have shots." Kayla said, breath starting to hitch in panic.

"Why not?" The doctor asked. "What are you afraid of?"

"Daddy's not here. Can't have shots."

"Where is your daddy, sweetie?" The doctor asked. He had assumed that John was her father.

"They live just outside of Washington, D.C." John said. "She's having to stay with me here for a while."

"Kayla, listen. You need these shots. If you can talk to your daddy while I'm giving them to you, will that work?"

Kayla nodded. "I want my daddy. Can't have shots without him."

"Kayla, that's enough. Your dad's at work right now."

"Mr. Winchester, you need to get her father on the phone right now. Or give me the number and I'll get him on a hospital phone. But if she doesn't talk to her father, she'll have a panic attack, and I'll have to sedate her."

John sighed. Sam didn't answer numbers he didn't recognize, so if the hospital called him, he would likely never pick up. John pulled his cellphone out and dialed, praying Sam would pick up.

"Hey, dad."

"Hey, Sam. Listen, I need your help with something." John said.

"What's wrong? Is Kayla okay?"

"She fell this morning and cut her hands pretty good. We're at the emergency room right now, and the doctor wants to give her a tetanus shot and a local anesthetic in each hand."

Sam's stomach dropped. He knew right away why John had called. As tough as Kayla was when it came to pain, she had a severe phobia of needles. It had started at age five, when Kayla had been sent to the hospital for some routine blood tests when her pediatrician suspected that her iron was low. But Kayla was small for her age, and it was difficult to find a vein, so only after six separate sticks with the needle had they been able to draw the blood needed for the test. To make matters worse, Kayla had been given a flu shot at the pediatrician's office earlier that day, and had suffered severe side effects to that-fever, headache, nausea, and chills. Ever since, Kayla had refused to get a shot unless Sam was right there with her.

"Hang up, Dad. I'll call right back."

"Sam…"

"Dad, Kayla needs to see me. Hang up and I'll video call right back. Take Kayla and sit her in your lap if you can, and hold the phone in front of her face. Give me a minute."

John followed Sam's instruction, and when Sam called back, Kayla was sitting in his lap on a chair in the exam room. It was an awkward fit, but seemed to calm Kayla down. John held the phone for her, and leaned back against John's chest when Sam's face filled the screen.

Sam felt his heart flutter when he saw Kayla. Kayla hadn't talked to him at all since she'd left. It had been the longest week and a half of Sam's life, but he had to put that aside right now.

"Hey, sweetpea. You okay?"

Kayla shook her head. "No. I'm scared, Daddy."

"I know. I know, I'm right here, okay? Just look at my face and don't look away." When Kayla whimpered, Sam assumed she was being given the first shot. "It's okay, baby. You've got this. Daddy's right here."

_No you're not right there,_ a voice in Sam's head said, causing him painful guilt.

Kayla whimpered again. The second shot.

"Don't look away, sweetie. Just keep your eyes on me, okay?" Kayla whimpered one more time, and she finally shed her first tear. "That's it, baby. You did it. The worst part's over."

"Thank you, Daddy." Kayla said.

"You don't have to thank me, sweetie." Sam said. "So what happened?"

"I went for a walk this morning and fell over on some broken glass."

"Ouch." Sam said with a sympathetic grimace. There was a somewhat awkward silence, before Sam filled it. "You want me to stay on the phone while you get your stitches?"

Kayla wanted it, yes, but her fear of the needle was starting to dissipate. She was partially surprised that Sam had agreed to help her through this. _He only did it because he felt like he had to._

"No, that's okay. Go back to work, Daddy."

"You sure, honey?" Sam asked, disappointed.

"Yeah. It's okay. Bye, Daddy."

When Sam hung up the phone, he didn't know how to feel. Kayla had called him when she was afraid, and though he hated that she was scared, it felt amazing. He felt like her father again for the first time in months. But something had stopped her from accepting more help from him than she'd specifically asked for. Arriving home that night, he told Jess about the conversation, who didn't know what to make of it either. But one thing was clear.

"We need to start planning to go see her."

"I know." Sam said. "I have some vacation time. I'll ask for it tomorrow, and we'll go see her for a few days."

"Sam. This was _good_. She reached out to you. That's progress."

"I know. I just hope it keeps going."

Jess decided to tell Sam about the pact she'd made with Kayla to look out at the moon every night, hoping it would make him feel better. "I know it's probably corny, but why don't you try it?"

Sam smiled. "Sure."

Later that night, though they couldn't see each other, Sam, Jess, and Kayla were all sitting at their bedroom windows, looking out at the moon. For a few seconds, a strange peace fell over the three of them as they said simultaneously,

"I love you."


	28. Chapter 28

As Mrs. Rinder passed out the graded pop quizzes, Kayla was nervous. It seemed her new school was slightly ahead of her old one, so she'd been struggling the first few days. Mrs. Rinder understood, and had been working with Kayla, but it was still hard for her. Kayla had made a couple of friends, which made school easier, but academically, Kayla was struggling.

The quiz landed on her desk, and Kayla nearly wept. A big, red, glaring F stared back at her, taunting her. Kayla felt herself start to shake, and when Mrs. Rinder announced that she wanted everyone who made a C or below to have their parents sign the quiz and bring it back, she was suddenly overwhelmed. Kayla had never walked out of class before, and she wasn't about to start now, but she had to get out.

"Mrs. Rinder?"

"Yes, Kayla?"

"Can I be excused, please?"

Mrs. Rinder looked up from her desk, about to tell Kayla she needed to wait a moment, before she realized that Kayla was about was about to cry and was having a hard time holding it back. "Sure, sweetie. Go ahead."

Kayla grabbed her quiz and took it with her, running off to the nearest rest room. She was grateful no one was in there, and she slid to the floor to cry. She'd been so happy when she started school. She'd thought it would be a breeze, and by the end of the three weeks, she'd finally be a high schooler. She didn't know how long she sat there, but it felt like hours.

A few minutes after the bell rang, other girls started to filter into the bathroom. Kayla stood up and realized she'd left her backpack in the classroom. She quickly washed her face and walked back to her classroom, where Mrs. Rinder was sitting at her desk grading papers.

"Mrs. Rinder?"

Mrs. Rinder looked up and smiled. "Hey, Kayla. Are you alright?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry I didn't come back."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're okay. I have your backpack right here."

"Thank you."

"Will you sit and talk with me for a minute? Please?"

"I should get home." Kayla said.

"It'll only take a few minutes. I promise."

"Okay. Sure." Kayla took her seat and waited, as Mrs. Rinder got up and took the desk beside her.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No, ma'am."

"You sure? You seemed pretty upset about your quiz grade."

"I just…I don't want to show it to my grandpa." Kayla said, her eyes filling with tears again. "I don't want to let him down too."

"Too? Who else have you let down?"

"My mom and dad."

"How did you let them down? Where are they?"

Kayla finally let one tear fall.

"Oh, honey, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I didn't mean to pressure you."

"No. It's okay." Kayla said. She took a couple of deep breath and kept going. "I…did some stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"My dad and I got into a lot of fights. We didn't get along real well."

"Well, that's normal. Some kids don't get along with their parents."

"It got really bad sometimes."

Mrs. Rinder, who had been teaching for close to ten years, had heard that phrase in some fashion from children far too often, and it usually meant one thing. With a heavy heart, she asked the question.

"Honey, did your dad hurt you?"

"What? No!"

"Okay. What do you mean it got bad?" Mrs. Rinder asked.

"Well, we'd fight and get over it, and then we'd be at each other's throats again a couple days later. My grades dropped a lot, and I didn't have really good friends. I lied to my parents about how bad I was doing in school, then I failed eighth grade."

"You did? I never would have guessed that."

"But I failed that quiz today."

Mrs. Rinder smiled. "Sweetie, one bad grade doesn't make anyone a bad student."

"It doesn't?"

"No. Not by a long shot. You probably think the students teachers like the best are the ones that make straight A's, right?"

"Yeah."

"They're not. We like the ones that always try really hard, no matter what grades they get. Kids like you. In fact, you're one of my favorite students I've had in a long time."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better." Kayla said.

"I promise I'm not." Mrs. Rinder said. "I have an idea. Let me see your quiz."

Kayla handed Mrs. Rinder the quiz in her hand, and to Kayla's utter shock, Mrs. Rinder ripped it up into eight pieces. "What are you doing?"

"I want you to do something for me. I want you to write me a one page essay tonight."

"On what?"

"Anything you want. Topic doesn't matter. Spelling and grammar do count, so you have to do your best, but you can write it on anything you want. If you do that for me, I'll throw out your quiz and replace it with whatever grade I give you on the essay."

"You'd really do that?" Kayla asked.

"Sure I would. And I've got another idea too. We're in school for two more weeks. Do you think your grandfather would let you stay after school for an hour or so each day?"

"For what?"

"If you want to stay, I'll help you with your homework. We'll go over it, and you can ask me any questions you have. I'll help you get caught up, so you can finish the year strong. What do you say?"

"I like it. Thanks."

"Of course, sweetie. But listen, even if you don't do it, you're still gonna pass as long as you keep doing your work, okay? You've got a C average right now. The only reason I offered to do this with you was to help you get your confidence back. Got it?"

"Got it. Thank you, Mrs. Rinder."

"You're welcome, sweetie."

"I should get home. My grandpa likes me to be home by 4:30 on a school day."

"Okay, honey. You want a ride? I'll help you talk to your grandfather."

"No thanks. I've got plenty of time. And I like the walk. It gives me a lot of time to think."

"Have a good day then, sweetie." Mrs. Rinder said. "I'll see you Monday."

As Kayla was walking home, Mary was sitting in Kayla's room trying to figure something out. She had taken Jess's cell phone and was trying to figure out how to call Kayla. She wanted to talk to her big sister about starting school, and she wanted to do it somewhere her parents wouldn't hear.

Mary had been in daycare and preschool as long as she could remember. But kindergarten scared her. This was big kid school. There'd be kids there that were a lot bigger than her. She didn't know how well she'd do in school with harder things to learn.

"Mary? Where are you, sweetie?" Jess called. She turned in the doorway of Kayla's room just in time to see Mary trying to hide Jess's cell phone. "Honey, what are you doing?"

"Nuffin." Mary said quietly.

"Really? Then why do you have my phone?"

Mary frowned and handed the phone back to Jess. "I was trying to call Kay'a."

"What? Why?"

"'Cause I wanted to talk to her."

"Is something wrong?"

"I want to talk to Kay'a." Mary repeated.

"Honey, why didn't you just tell me?" Jess asked. "I would've let you call her."

"You and Daddy has to listen in every time I talk to her. I wanted to talk to her by myself."

"Why didn't you just ask? I would've let you talk to her."

"I didn't have to ask before." Mary said sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't have to ask to talk to her before. I could just do it."

Jess frowned. "You mean when she lived here?"

"Yeah."

"Honey, I know it's hard. I know you want your sister home."

"You said she'd be back one day."

"She will be."

"When? I wants my sissy back."

"I know, babe. I know you do." Jess said. "I'm sorry."

Mary didn't know why she wanted to cry now, but she did.

"Is there a reason you want to talk to your sister so badly?"

"I just wants to talk to her." Mary said.

Jess smiled. "Let me see the phone."

Mary reluctantly handed it over.

"I'm going to show you how to use this to call your sister. You can call her anytime you want. You have to tell me that you have the phone, but you can call her anytime you want, as long as she's not in school."

Mary smiled. "Okay. Thank you, Mommy."

"You're welcome. Here." Jess showed Mary how to unlock the phone and find Kayla's number. "Go ahead. Tell her I said hi."

Just as Kayla was walking up the front steps of Bobby's house, her cell phone rang in her pocket. The caller ID blared MOM.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kay'a!"

"Mary? Hey. You okay?"

"Yeah. I just missed you."

Kayla felt her throat tighten a little. "I miss you too, pooh bear."

"Kay'a, I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Daddy and Mommy's taking me to meet my kindergarten teacher tomorrow."

"That sounds fun." Kayla said.

"Yeah, but this is big kid school."

"Oh, I see. You're worried about the bigger kids?"

"Yeah."

"I'm gonna tell you what I did for my first day of kindergarten. But you can't tell anyone else. Okay?"

"Okay. What?"

"Well, tell Daddy after you meet your teacher tomorrow that you want him to go to your first day with you."

"How come?"

"Because there's no kid at school, including the bullies, that are bigger than he is. If they see him with you, they won't mess with you. And if they try, you just tell them that you'll bring Daddy back to school with you and they'll leave you alone."

"That's so smart! Thank you, Kay'a!"

"You're welcome. I just wish I could go with you too."

"Yeah, me too." Mary said. "Is your new school better than it was here?"

"Yeah, it's pretty good."

"Good. That's all I wanted talk about. You got anythings you want to talk about?"

"Just that I miss you a whole lot." Kayla said.

"I misses you too. I gotta go. Loves you bunches and bunches."

"I love you too."

As Kayla hung up, she was suddenly overwhelmed with grief. She was surprised at how much she loved it at John's. But it wasn't home. It wasn't waking up to the smell of her mom's cooking. It wasn't waking up to the feeling of Mary sleeping next to her with her thumb in her mouth, trying to protect her big sister. It wasn't seeing her dad smile at some stupid joke Mary told or seeing a good note from school.

"Hey, you. You okay?"

John had come out to greet Kayla with a glass in his hand.

Kayla did what she did best. She faked a smile and nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay. I wanted to talk to you about something for school."


	29. Chapter 29

"I did it! Grandpa, I did it!"

John heard Kayla before he ever saw her. She closed the front door and ran into the living room, threw her backpack on the couch and bounded up to John in the kitchen.

"You did what?"

"Look!"

Kayla shoved a piece of paper towards John, and he took it with a smile. He'd not seen her this excited the entire time she'd been living with him. It was an announcement for a play, premiering the following weekend at Kayla's school.

"What's this?"

"That play I auditioned for? I got the part!" Kayla said. "Look on the other side! My name's on it!"

John flipped the announcement over, where there was a list of the students participating in the play. Down towards the bottom was listed Kayla's name and part. Though John beamed at Kayla with honest pride, his heart ached at first. He saw a much younger Sam standing in front of him, begging him to give just a little bit of the pride that he so desperately craved. _Second chance, Winchester. Take it. _John reached out and patted Kayla's cheek.

"I'm proud of you, kiddo."

He didn't think it was possible, but Kayla's grin grew until it nearly reached her ears. She took the announcement back from John, and, after a moment of basking in her achievement, John noticed that her enthusiasm started to dim.

"Hey. What's going through that head of yours?"

Kayla bit her lip nervously and thought about lying to John again about how she was feeling. She'd hidden from him the last few weeks her true feelings about being away from home. Despite talking to her parents and sister almost every day, the more time that passed, the less she thought about them. The less she thought about them, the guiltier she felt. They were her family. Shouldn't she miss them so much that she hated it where she was? Not daring to hope too much, Kayla cautiously asked,

"Do you think Mommy and Daddy would come if I asked them to?"

John's heart sank. Sam had told him two days earlier they were planning to come for a week for Kayla's birthday, which was the weekend after the play. John doubted they could do both the play and her birthday, and Sam had begged John to keep their visit a surprise. Knowing he was probably letting Kayla down for a hard fall, John tried to be encouraging.

"Couldn't hurt to ask."

Kayla smiled again. "Can I call 'em?"

"Your homework done?"

"Just got a little math to do."

"Why don't you do that first? Your dad's probably still at work. By the time you're done he should be home."

"Yeah, you're right." Kayla said. "You and uncle Bobby'll come too, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it."

As Kayla ran upstairs to complete her homework, John hoped that Sam would take the hint from Kayla and come to the play. After she had injured her hand and Sam helped her through the stitches, their relationship had slowly started to thaw. Kayla didn't talk to her father nearly as much as her mother, but she called when she was nervous on her first day of school, when she had to get her stitches out, and once to ask him for help with some homework. John found out later that night that she actually didn't need help with the homework, she had only called to have an excuse to talk to him. After finishing her homework, dinner, and getting a bath, Kayla grabbed the cordless phone from the wall and sat on her bed, unable to wait any longer. With each ring of the phone, she grew more and more excited.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Daddy."

"Hey, sweetie. What's going on?" Sam asked. "You sound like you're in a good mood."

"I am. I, um, I called to ask you and mommy something. Can you put me on speaker?"

"Sure."

Kayla heard a button click and another voice joined them.

"Hi, sweetie!"

"Hi, mommy." Kayla said. With the tension that had relaxed between the three of them over the last few weeks, Kayla's usual 'mom' and 'dad' had changed back to 'mommy' and 'daddy'.

"So, what's going on? You said you wanted to ask us something?"

"Yeah. So, I told you guys I joined the drama department, right?" Kayla asked.

"You did. How's that going?" Jess asked.

"I like it a lot." Kayla said. She didn't see the way her mother smiled at an answer that wasn't 'fine' or 'okay', and Jess didn't see how nervous Kayla really was at that moment. "Our first play is this weekend."

Sam and Jess's smile immediately dropped.

"It's okay if you can't. It really is. But I'd really like if you and Daddy would be there." There was dead silence on the line, and Kayla was beginning to get nervous after no one said a word after almost half a minute. "Are you guys still there?"

"Mommy and I need to talk about it. We'll call you back before you go to bed, okay?"

For once, the negative voice that constantly plagued Kayla shut up. _They didn't say no._ "Okay, Daddy."

Kayla waited impatiently. Finally, just before going to bed two hours later, Kayla answered the phone with shaking hands.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby. It's Daddy."

"Hi." Kayla said hopefully. "Did you guys talk about it?"

"Yeah." Sam said, bracing himself. "Honey, I'm sorry. Mommy and I aren't gonna be able to come this weekend."

"Oh." Kayla said, her enthusiasm deflating.

"We're sorry, honey." Jess said. "We just can't get away yet. But I promise me and Daddy are coming soon."

"Yeah. We'll be there, honey, we promise." Sam said. "In the meantime, Grandpa will tape your play and we'll watch it when we see you. Okay?"

Fighting the lump in her throat, that hadn't been there since the first couple of days she'd spent settling into her new surroundings, Kayla swallowed. "Okay."

"I promise, baby, we will come see you soon. We just can't do it this weekend." Sam repeated.

"It's okay, Daddy." Kayla said. "It really is."

"You sure?"

_Would it make a difference if it wasn't?_ Kayla thought. "It's fine."

"I mean it. We are coming soon." Jess repeated. "Just hang on, okay?"

"Sure, mom."

"Kay…"

"It's my bedtime. I gotta go." Kayla said. "Goodnight, mom. Goodnight, dad."

Kayla hung up and threw the phone and threw it down on the bed. The dark cloud was slowly creeping back. _You should have known better than to think they'd be interested in your stupid play. _This time, she didn't even try to push it away. She checked the clock and saw it was nine o'clock. She looked out at the moon and quickly told her parents she loved them, though there wasn't nearly as much gusto behind it as there had been the nights before.

"You should be getting ready for bed."

Kayla looked up and saw John standing in the doorway to her room. "Yes, sir. I'm going now."

"You okay?"

"I called mommy and daddy and asked them to come to my play." Kayla said.

"I see. What did they say?"

"That they couldn't be here." Kayla said.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I know you're disappointed."

Kayla nodded, fighting the tears brimming at her eyes.

"Bobby and I will be there. We'll film it. They _will _see it." John said.

"I'm not going."

"What do you mean you're not going?" John asked.

Kayla sniffed. "It's not worth it anymore."

"You've worked so hard on this. Don't throw it away."

"I won't be able to do it without looking out and hoping they'll be there." Kayla said. "I'll be too distracted."

"You know," John said, walking inside and grabbing the phone from Kayla's bed before taking a seat, "when your dad was your age, he felt like this a lot."

"He did?"

"Yeah. I wasn't there for him nearly as much as I should have been. It was mostly your uncle Dean that went to school plays and things like that for your dad." John said.

"I didn't know that."

"That's because when you were born, your dad told me that I had to treat you differently or I wouldn't be allowed to see you."

"Daddy said that?" Kayla asked.

"He did." John said. "And I'm glad he did."

"Why?"

"Because it gave me another chance." John said. "See, your dad thought that just because I wasn't there, I wasn't interested. I tried to convince him it wasn't true, but he never really believed me."

"That's how I feel now."

"But think about something. If you were home right now, would your dad go to your play?" John asked.

"Yeah. He'd help me get ready for it too."

"There you go." John said. "You know, that's one of the biggest things I ever learned, and your dad taught it to me. That our actions show a lot more than our words. So I know you're disappointed, but I promise the only reason they're not coming is because they just can't make it this weekend."

"But that's why I wanted them to come so bad!" Kayla said, frustrated. "I wanted to show them I was trying. Trying to do better. I thought that maybe…"

"Maybe what?" John asked when she went quiet.

"Maybe if I was doing better, they'd let me come home."

John sighed, and the urge to ruin Sam and Jess's surprise was strong. "I don't know what your parents are thinking about you coming home. You can ask them when you talk to them if you want."

"Maybe."

_Screw it,_ John decided. "You know, your birthday's next week. Maybe they can't come this weekend because they're planning to come for that."

"If they won't come for this stupid play, they're definitely not coming for my birthday."

"Kayla, listen to me. I don't know where you're getting this idea that you don't mean the world to all of us. But it isn't true. Not by a mile." When Kayla didn't respond, John asked, "Why do you feel that way? I'm not upset, I just don't understand."

"I don't know. I just feel that way sometimes."

"Sometimes? Or all the time?" John asked.

_Every second of every day and night_, Kayla thought. "Sometimes."

"When you start feeling that way, _tell someone._ We can't help you if we don't know something's going on. Promise me you'll do that."

"Promise." Kayla said.

"And think about this. Bobby and I don't waste time with anything we don't think is important. And we're going to your play. We're pretty excited about it."

Kayla finally smiled. "Really?"

"Really. And your mom and dad will see it, I promise. But you don't want to let me and Bobby down, do you?"

"No. I don't." Kayla said. "Thanks, grandpa."

"You're welcome, kiddo." John said. "Go on, wash up and get ready for bed."

"Yes, sir." Kayla said. She stood up from the bed and handed John the phone from her bed. Before he could get up himself, Kayla had grabbed his neck and hugged him. "Grandpa? I don't know exactly what happened with you and Daddy, but you did good with that second chance. You're the best grandpa in the whole world."

Choking back tears, John simply patted Kayla's back. "Go on, kiddo. Get ready for bed."

Not knowing that Kayla felt better now, both Sam and Jess went to bed feeling guilty. Jess knew it would inflame Sam's guilt, but she couldn't help it.

"Are you sure…?"

"Jess, we can't do both." Sam said, cutting her off. "We can't go to the play _and_ do her birthday."

"I know. I just…it's the first time she's actually _asked _for us. I feel like it's reinforcing her feeling like we don't care about her if we don't go."

"I get it. I really do. I can't count the number of times I wanted my dad there for something and he wasn't there. But I'd rather her be a little disappointed because we missed a play than be upset because we missed her birthday."

"That makes sense." Jess said.

"Besides, now that I'm older, I don't think about all the times my dad missed. I think about the times he _was _there, and they're a lot more special to me. She might be upset now, but hopefully when she grows up, she'll think about her birthday before she thinks about the missed play."

"I hope so." Jess said. She smiled and said, "It feels good she asked, though."

"Yeah. It does." Sam said. "Goodnight, babe."

"Night."

Jess reached over and turned off the lamp next to their bed. She peeked out the bedroom window, to the full moon outside, and checked the clock. It was 10:00 exactly. Jess whispered her usual 'I love you' and started to turn over to go to sleep. Just as she was about to drift off to sleep, Kayla's voice haunted her. _It's fine_. It clearly wasn't fine. But Sam's reasoning struck a chord with her too. _I'd rather her be a little disappointed because we missed a play than be upset because we missed her birthday_.

"I'm sorry, baby. Just hang on a little bit longer. Mommy's coming."


	30. Chapter 30

The curtains came back up, Kayla grabbed the hands of the two castmates next to her, and everyone took their bow. Kayla, who usually shied away from being the center of attention, was enjoying it tonight. The principal came out and thanked everyone for coming, then informed everyone that they could pick up their children in the hallway as soon as the students had cleaned up and changed out of their costumes.

By the time Kayla met her family in the hallway, she was grasping at straws one last time. All week, going back and forth to school and practice, she’d hoped that her parents declining her invitation to the play had been a trick. Sitting in bed the night she’d asked them, she remembered a line from the letter her father had written her when they’d had the fight about him reading her journal.

_You haven't really had any school plays or soccer games lately, but if something like that comes up, I'll be there. I swear to you, I'll be there. I do like my job. I love it. But my job is not more important than you. It's not even close._

But apparently it had been close. Kayla had really thought that Sam had told her he wasn’t coming because he wanted to keep it a surprise. When she didn’t see him in the hallway after everything was over, Kayla felt certain that she’d been stupid to think her parents meant it when they said they’d be there soon.

“Kayla! Wait a minute, honey!”

Kayla turned around and noticed Mrs. Rinder running towards her.

“You did great, sweetie!”

“Thanks.” Kayla said. “Mrs. Rinder, these are my uncles, Bobby and Dean.”

“Hey there. I’m Jackie Rinder, I’m Kayla’s teacher.”

“Nice to meet you.” Bobby said as he shook Mrs. Rinder’s hand. “We’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Nice to meet you.” Dean said.

“Mr. Winchester, nice to see you again.”

“You too.” John said. “Thank you again for helping Kayla with school last term.”

“My pleasure. I actually came to see if you were okay with me taking Kayla out for ice cream with the rest of the cast.”

“Oh. Um…”

“If you want to go, sweetie, it’s okay with me.” John said.

“I’ll have her home by ten.”

“Actually, thanks, Mrs. Rinder, but I’m really tired. I think I’d rather go home.”

“Are you sure?” John asked. He had been trying to encourage Kayla to make better friends than she’d had at home with Sam. “It really is okay.”

“No. I want to go home.”

“Okay.” John said. “Let’s go then.”

When the family made it back home, John insisted on watching the whole play from start to finish. Kayla blushed from the attention, and could tell that John was just trying to cheer her up. She pretended that it did, and headed off to bed. She realized that she had missed her nightly appointment at the window with her mother, but tonight she didn’t care. Just as Kayla was lying down, there was a knock at her bedroom door.

“Come in.”

The door opened slowly, and Dean poked his head inside. “Hey, kiddo. You okay?”

“Yeah. Just going to sleep.”

“You want some company for a minute? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Sure.” Kayla said with a yawn. “Come on in.”

Dean walked in and took a seat on the edge of Kayla’s bed. “So tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Nothing. Just tired.”

“I can read you like a book, kiddo. Something’s bothering you.”

Kayla sighed. “I thought Mommy and Daddy would come.”

“He told you they couldn’t.”

“I know, but…”

“But you thought he’d come anyway.”

Kayla nodded. “Yeah.”

“He wanted to, sweetie. But they just couldn’t make it this weekend.”

“Yeah. I know.” Kayla scoffed. “They couldn’t make it. I get it.”

“What does that mean?”

“It doesn’t mean anything. I’m going to sleep.”  


“Not so fast. I want to know what’s going through your head.” Dean pushed. “I know this has been hard…”

“Do you!?” Kayla snapped.

Dean, surprised at Kayla’s reaction, raised his eyebrow as a warning. “You want to rephrase yourself, kid?”

“No. I don’t. I want to go to bed.”

“I know you’re mad, sweetie. Come on, talk to me.”

“Of course I’m mad.” Kayla said. “I’ve done everything the two of them told me to do. I stayed in my room like they told me, I did better in school like they told me, I came clean about school. I did _all_ that.”

“I know. You’ve done good, kiddo, you really have.”

“Well, why can’t they come see me?” Kayla asked. “They didn’t come when I got hurt after I got here. They didn’t come when I was sick a couple weeks ago. I needed Mom last month.”

“For what?” Dean asked.   


“What?”

“Why did you need your mom?”

Kayla blushed and turned away, slightly embarrassed. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come on. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

“Uncle Dean, trust me, you don’t want to know.” Kayla said. “Please don’t ask me again.”

“Okay. Okay, I won’t. I get it. You needed your mom and dad, and they weren’t here, right?”

“Right.”

“Were they there before?” Dean asked. “When you lived with them?”

“Yeah. Of course they were.”

“I know they were. They gave you all the attention they could give you. But you weren’t the only kid in that house.”

“I know that. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you’re growing up and I think you need to face the fact that your mom and dad gave you more than your fair share of attention. It’s your sister’s turn now.”

“What does…” Kayla stuttered as she tried to come up with an answer to what Dean was saying. “I never took Mom and Dad away from Mary.”

“Didn’t you? Think about it.”

Kayla shook her head. “No. I didn’t.”

“Kayla…”

“I thought Dad would come because he told me he would.” Kayla said. “When we had the fight about him reading my journal. He told me that if I had any school plays or games or anything like that, he’d come. That’s why I thought he’d be here.”

Dean suddenly felt like an idiot. “I didn’t know that.”

“No, you didn’t. What gave you the idea that I took Mom and Dad away from Mary?”

“It’s nothing…”

“It’s something if you decided to use it to tell me I’m being selfish for expecting my parents to be my parents.” Kayla pressed. “Why did you say that?” When Dean didn’t answer, a frightening thought occurred to her. “Did Mary tell you that? That she felt like I took them away from her?”

“No. No, it wasn’t Mary.”

“Mom? Dad? Who was it?”

“No one told me that.” Dean said honestly. “I could hear it in your Dad’s voice.”

“In his voice? What does that mean?”

“I mean that when you started going downhill, and I would talk to your dad to catch up, he was always focused on you. He’d never tell me anything about Mary or even your mom.”

It hurt to think of Sam complaining about her on the phone to Dean, though Kayla certainly wasn’t surprised and didn’t blame him for it.

“Look, sweetie, all I’m saying is this. He just wanted to give you some time to get back to being the kid he knew, and he wanted to give your sister some of the attention she hadn’t been getting from them being so focused on you.”

“And I don’t deserve any of that now, right?” Kayla asked.

“That’s not what I’m saying…”

“Well, what are you saying, then?” The tears that had been swimming on the edge of Kayla’s eyes started to spill. “Because Dad could’ve told me that they felt like Mary was getting the short end of the stick here. He never told me that.”

“Maybe…”

“I’m not done. Please let me finish.” Kayla said, wiping her eyes, the tears a mix now of hurt and anger. “If Dad and Mom had done this during my school year, when my grades were dropping and I was being a brat to them, I would’ve understood that a little better. If they’d done it when I admitted what happened about school, I would’ve understood that too. I would’ve gotten it if they’d shipped me off because of the party. I would’ve gotten all that. I wouldn’t have been okay with it, but I would’ve understood. Instead, they let me rot in my room for days and barely talked to me. The only time Dad did talk to me was when he came to my room to tell me he and Mom needed a ‘time out’, and when he was telling me to go back to my room, or yelling at me for going to the bathroom, or spanking me because I finally snapped at him for not talking to me. The only time between when I failed eighth grade and when I left home that he told me he loved me was when he spanked me for going to that party and when he put me on the plane. He used to tell me that every day till I got sick of hearing it.”

“He does love you…”

“Yeah. That’s some real love right there. I’ve been here since July. It’s almost the end of September, and not one in person visit. None.”

“It’s hard for him to travel across the country like that.” Dean said, the excuse sounding weak to his ears even as it came out of his mouth.

“You do it all the time.” Kayla said. “He’s already told me you guys did it growing up. I know he hates it, but does he hate me so much he can’t do it?”

“That’s not true…”

“And I’m really sick of everyone telling me how much this hurts _them_. Because they both had a choice in this. They didn’t _have _to do it. So it might hurt them, but I’m allowed to be mad at them as long as I want. I don’t want to be. I hate feeling this way. But when I need my mom because I’m hurt, or because I’m sick, or because I started my period and I’m scared and I have questions that I don’t want to ask you or uncle Bobby or Grandpa, or I want my Dad to see me actually do good at something like this play, then it’s a lot easier for me to feel all that.”

Dean’s mind was spinning. Clearly, these were pent up issues Kayla had been dealing with ever since arriving at John’s. She _had _told him she didn’t want to talk, and it was late. Now, the chances of her having a peaceful night’s sleep were next to nothing. He knew about Sam and Jess’s surprise visit the following week, but he had just been trying to make a point that he wanted Kayla to consider before seeing her parents again. Kayla had broken down weeping, which brought John to her room.

“What is going on in here?”

“I was just trying to talk to her, Dad…”

“Leave me alone!” Kayla wept. “Just go away and leave me alone!”

“Kay…”

“Dean, leave.”

“Dad…”

“I said leave. Now. Whatever you said to her, now’s not the time. It’s after her bedtime.”

Dean swallowed. “Yes, sir. I’m leaving, Bug, I’m sorry. I love you.”

Kayla shook her head. “Just leave me alone.”

With a heavy heart, Dean left, and John approached the bed. “Do you want me to stay with you?”

“They’re never gonna come back for me.”

“Who? Your parents?”

Kayla nodded. “They’re never gonna come.”

“Yes. They are. I swear to you, they’ll be here soon.”

“How do you know?”

“Because if your father is not here by the time you’re out of school next time, I’m dragging him here myself.”

Kayla surprised John and herself when she snorted.

“What’s so funny?”

“I just pictured you grabbing Daddy by the ear and dragging him all the way back here.”

John chuckled. “Wouldn’t be the first time I dragged him somewhere kicking and screaming.”

“You really promise they’ll be here?” Kayla asked.

“Yes. Yes, I do. Now come on. Lay down. It’s way past your bedtime.”

“Will you stay ‘till I go to sleep? Please?”

“You bet I will.”

As Kayla pulled her blanket over her and felt John sitting guard next to her bed, she pulled a hand out and reached for his. John took her hand and squeezed it, and when he thought she was asleep, he stood up and kissed her forehead before leaving the room. She heard him talking to Dean, ripping into him for opening up wounds so late at night. As the house steadily grew quieter, her mind started to turn on her again.

_You’ll never see them again. _

_They’ve moved on without you. _

_Why are you so surprised? You’re nothing but damaged goods. _

_They’ve got their perfect little family with Mary. _

All those thoughts hurt, but the one that kept her awake until almost dawn was the one that drove a spike through her heart. No matter how much anyone tried to convince her it wasn’t true, Kayla knew it was.

_Your mom and dad don’t want you anymore. _


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: I’m leaving tomorrow to visit my mom, so it might be a few days before another update happens. In this chapter, John chews out Dean for upsetting Kayla, then has a talk with him about how he plans to handle the situation going forward. Sam and Jess have had a hard time with Mary, who’s acting out because she misses her sister. **

As soon as Dean stepped into the hallway, he knew what was in trouble. He hadn’t meant to make Kayla feel as bad as he did. He’d only wanted to make the point that she needed to consider why Sam and Jess had done this, and maybe then it might be a little easier to deal with. Before he could think on it anymore, John joined him in the hallway.

“Is she asleep?”

“Yeah. No thanks to you. What the hell happened in there?”

“I was just trying to talk to her…”

“Some talk, Dean. She didn’t stop crying until she fell asleep. What did you say to her?”

Dean, on seeing how angry his father was, tried immediately to backpedal. “Nothing, I was just…”

“Dean.”

_Damn it. _Dean knew that tone of voice. It meant that Dad was pissed. He didn’t hear it nearly as much now as he might have growing up, but it was there. He took a breath and confessed.

“I noticed she was quiet after we got home from the play. I went to check on her and ask her what was going on. She told me she thought Sam was coming anyway because he promised her he would.”

“He what?”   


“They had a big fight a couple months ago. Sam read Kayla’s journal and she threatened to never talk to him again. He found out that Kayla was upset because he was working so much and he wasn’t around for her like he was when they lived here.”

“Okay.”

“Apparently he promised her that he’d be there if she had school stuff like plays or games. She thought he’d told her wasn’t coming because he really was and wanted to keep it a surprise.”

“Damn it, Sam.” John said. “I’ll deal with that, but that still doesn’t answer my question. What did you say to her?”

Dean swallowed, amazed at how much his father could make him feel like an errant teenager, even years after he’d become an adult. “I asked her what was wrong and she said that she thought Sam would be there. She started telling me how hurt and mad she was, and I told her to think about how much attention Jess and Sam paid her at home…”

“Living room, Dean. Now.” When they were back in the living room and away from Kayla’s bedroom door (_back in yelling range_, Dean thought), John immediately tore into him. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Dad, I just wanted her to think about it…”

“Think about _what_, Dean?” John asked, his frustration with the situation finally coming out. “Think about how much she screwed up? About how stupid she was? Do you not think she knows that!?”

“Dad…”

“Do you know how hard I had to work to convince her to do this play? To convince her it was worthwhile?” When Dean started to stutter, John talked over him. “Then she trust you enough to tell you how she’s feeling, and all you can think to tell her is that she’s taking attention away from her parents? What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry, Dean. Tell me what you were thinking.”

“I just…I hate her being mad at Sam like this, and I felt like I needed to defend him. Like I used to do with…”

“With what, Dean?”

“Nothing, Dad.” Dean said. “Just yell at me, please.”

“With me? Like you used to have to do with me?” John asked. When Dean didn’t answer, John replied, “It’s okay, Dean.”

“No, Dad, it’s not.”

“Dean, I may not have been around a lot when you boys were growing up, but I picked up on a lot more than you think.”

“Dad….”

“Dean, are you jealous?”

“Jealous? Jealous of what?”

“That I’m raising Kayla when I didn’t raise you.”

“What? No, Dad, that’s ridiculous.”

“Dean…”

“No, Dad. I’m not jealous.”

John sighed. “Okay, Dean. But if you were, then this is what I would say to that. I can’t take back the past. I’m sorry I was never there for you two. But I’m trying to do that now for Kayla. And I need your help to do that. Okay?”

“Sure, Dad.”

“And I know you want to defend me. And Sam. But I need your backup.”

“Backup on what?”

“I’m telling Sam and Jess when they get here next weekend. No more taking this long between visits. At least one of them needs to be here no more than every other weekend. If they can’t agree to that, then I’m giving them two choices.”

“What choices?”

“This uncertainty is killing Kayla. If they don’t agree to every other weekend, they either need to take Kayla home with them or agree to let me keep her until she turns eighteen.”

Dean’s jaw dropped. “You’d take Kayla away from them?”

“I don’t want to. But I’m not letting this drag on without some sort of definite way to end it. She deserves better than that.”

Back at Sam and Jess’s, Jess prayed the night would go down without a fight. “Alright, Mary. Bedtime.”

“I’m not going!”

Jess’s lips formed a thin line. Her patience was wearing down, little by little, every single day. For the past two weeks, Mary had been refusing to do everything told of her. She wouldn’t go to bed, get dressed for school, wouldn’t eat without a fight. It was out of character for her, and though Mary wouldn’t admit it, Jess had guessed what the problem was.

“Mary. Enough of this. Go to your room.”

“No.”

“Mary…”

“I’m not going…”

“Mary. Enough.” Sam, who had just stepped out of the shower to hear Mary arguing with Jess again, came to the living room and picked up the book Mary had been looking through. “Bed. Now. I’m not asking again.”   


“I’m not going.”

Sam sighed, but Jess tugged at his arm and pointed to the couch. _Let’s talk this out first._ “Mary, come here.”

“I’m not going to bed.”

“You don’t have to. Right now. But something’s going on, and we need to talk about this. Come on.”

Mary took a wary look at her tired father. “’m not in trouble?”

“No trouble. As long as you tell us the truth.” Jess promised. “Come here.” Mary walked over and climbed into her mother’s lap. “Talk to us. What’s going on?”

“I don’t wanna go to bed.”

“No. I think there’s something else going on. You haven’t been listening to me or Daddy for days. Why?”

The living room carpet suddenly had Mary’s full attention.

“Come on, pooh bear. Talk to us. What’s up?” Sam tried.

“I thought if I acted bad, you’d let me go see Kay’a.”

“What?” Sam asked.

“I thought if I didn’t listen to you, you’d want me to go to Grandpa’s too.”

“Honey, we told you. We didn’t send Kayla to Grandpa’s because she was bad.”

“But you keep saying we’re going to see her, but we haven’t!”

“I know we haven’t gone yet. But I promise we are.”

“When?” Mary asked. “When can we go?”

“Soon.”

“You say that every time!” Mary exclaimed. “I want to go see Kay’a! She’s been gone for a million days.”

“I know it feels that way. I know you miss her terribly. We do too, baby.”

“Then let’s go!”

“We will, honey.” Sam said.

“When?” Mary insisted. “I want to know when we’re going, or I’m running away and going all by myself.”

“If you try…” Sam started to say, only to again be cut off by Jess.

“We’ll tell you. But you can’t tell Kayla. It’s a surprise, and we want to keep it that way.”  


“We’re leaving? Really?”

“Really. We’re flying there early on Saturday morning.” Jess said.

“Isn’t that Kay’a’s birfday?” Mary asked.

“It is. How’d you know?”

“You circled it on the calendar. Can I make her a present?”

“You sure can. _If _you go to bed. And you stop fighting me and Daddy on everything.”

“Okay. I’ll stop. I sorry, Mommy. Sorry, Daddy.”

“We forgive you.” Jess said with a kiss to the cheek. “Right, Daddy?”

“Right. You want me to read you a story?”

Mary went down to sleep easily enough, leaving her parents up and thinking about Kayla. Kayla’s play was that night. They both wondered how it went, but weren’t surprised when they didn’t get a call that night. Kayla had been quiet all week, only talking to the two of them twice rather than every night like she had been before. Jess tried to concentrate on how happy Kayla would be when they showed up for her birthday. It worked. Most of the time.

For Sam, it was different. He’d been haunted all week by memories of growing up and wanting his father to be there for the exact same thing. _Come on, Dad. Please. This is important. Please be there._ He knew how it felt to think your father didn’t care. It was a horrible feeling. It left you feeling empty, hollow, like you weren’t worth anything. No matter how many times Sam tried to convince himself that he was a good father, that he always had been there for Kayla when it really counted, his mind and heart kept going back to that empty and hollow feeling.

When two in the morning rolled around and Sam still wasn’t sleeping, he carefully crawled out of bed and headed down the hall. The first three weeks after Kayla had left, Sam had gone into Kayla’s room to check on her before realizing why she wasn’t sleeping in there. Mary refused to sleep in her own room until her sister came home, so Sam would always be greeted by just a small lump in the center of Kayla’s bed. The same was true tonight. Mary was curled up underneath Kayla’s comforter, hugging Kayla’s teddy bear and sucking her thumb. After Sam adjusted her blankets and gave her a kiss, he turned and found something that made his heart hurt again.

It was on top of Kayla’s desk, sitting atop the journal he’d read that had caused one of the biggest fights they’d ever had. It was a photo, one he’d taken out of the frame and given to Kayla to try and smooth things over between them. He picked it up and smiled at it, remembering the day it had been taken. Kayla had just recovered from what her grandmother called her ‘fake flu’-nausea, chills, fever, and a massive headache as a result of side effects from a flu shot she’d received at the doctor’s office. She’d complained to her father that she didn’t ‘feel strong’ when she was sick. Sam had scooped her up and thrown her over his shoulders, making her giggle with delight before she begged for a piggyback ride.

“How do you feel now?” Sam had asked.

“Like I can do anything!”

Sam swallowed against the lump in his throat. He felt the tears starting again. He missed Kayla so badly. There were days he considered going back to his father’s and bringing Kayla back home. But those seemed to be the days when she would call and tell him about something exciting that happened at school, or she’d be in a good mood, or she’d be laughing about something she’d done with her friends. That was the Kayla that Sam missed the most. As painful as it was to admit, she seemed to be doing a thousand times better living with John than she had been at home.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry things turned out like this. I hope we’ll get back to normal one day. I miss you so much.”

Sam stared at the photo a few minutes more, thinking about it and other memories that went along with them, before he decided to take it with him. He dug out the drawing that Kayla had given him which he kept in his dresser, propped it and the photo up on his nightstand, then fell asleep dreaming of Kayla laughing and smiling and happy.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: So, I wasn’t planning on this chapter, but I couldn’t sleep and it just seemed to come out of nowhere. Kayla has a bad dream and calls Sam in the middle of the night. Warning-the dream is about Art. **

**Here is basically the direction I’m planning to take the rest of this story. It will be a rewrite of The Things Unseen (Make the Soul Ache), the original version. There were just some things in that story I wish I had expanded on and changed, and since she’s my story, I’ll make those changes now. Anyway, here it goes:**

**-Sam and Jess come to visit, and Kayla confesses (almost) everything. **

**-Sam and Jess tell her she has to stay with John a lot longer than she originally thought, and they get into a major argument about it. **

**-Due to a misunderstanding, Kayla is accused of failing a drug test, testing the trust she’s fighting so hard to get back. **

**-Sam finds out Kayla’s secret about Art. **

**-After everything with Art comes out, Kayla starts seeing a counsellor, and brings her parents to a session. **

**-(all the chapters from All’s Well that Keeps Going-I’m not planning to rewrite this one). **

**-I’m planning to write the years between the end of All’s Well That Keeps Going and Requiesce in Pace Tata** **(which, by the way, is the Google translate translation into Latin of ‘Rest in Peace, Daddy’). **

**-At some point, I’m planning to insert the chapters from The Moon and the Stars into the front of this story.**

**So, basically, when all is said and done, this story will be one mega volume of Kayla’s life, from a few months old until (SPOILER ALERT……..,,,)**

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**.Sam’s death when Kayla’s in her fifties. I know that may be a lofty goal, but I will reach it. Anyways, like I said, I’m leaving tomorrow (actually, I guess that technically it’s today) to go to my mom’s. Ciao! **

Kayla jumped up in bed, fighting so hard she had thrown her blanket off the bed before she realized she was safe. She’d just had the worst nightmare she’d had in a long time. In it, Art was chasing her through her old house, the one she’d lived in with Sam and Jess before they’d moved to Washington, D.C. She couldn’t see Art as she ran. Every time she tried to look back to see where he was, he was gone. Just when she thought she was safe and could stop running, Art would grab her and, in his words, ‘have some fun’ with her. The cycle had repeated itself four times before Kayla woke up.

Kayla got out of bed shaking, barely making it to the bathroom before vomiting up her partially digested dinner from that night She was surprised she didn’t wake up her grandfather or uncles, but was happy she didn’t. As she went back to bed, she saw on the desk that Bobby had found and fixed up for her that her cell phone had a new message on it. She wasn’t supposed to have her phone between her bedtime and six in the morning, when she normally woke up for school, so she decided just to look and see who sent the message.

_1 new text message-Daddy_

Knowing she wouldn’t get back to sleep easily, Kayla risked John finding out she’d broken his phone rule and opened the long text message.

_I’m really sorry Mommy and I couldn’t be there tonight. We thought about you all day and night. I know you did well, no matter what you might be thinking at the moment. I hope you had fun, and like we said earlier, we will see you soon. I swear it, honey. I love you. _

The message brought on more tears, despite Kayla’s best effort to stop them. Despite her argument with Dean earlier in the night, she did know that Sam loved her and was trying his best. She knew he hadn’t wanted to send her away. He’d done it because he was scared that she would hurt herself. She’d never seriously considered doing it, other than passing thoughts when she was truly hurting, because she knew that it would only bring the pain she was feeling every minute of every day onto her family. Despite what it did to her, Kayla wasn’t willing to do that to them.

The clock on Kayla’s phone read 2:19am. Sam had sent his message only ninety minutes earlier, so Kayla wondered if he was still up. She was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to hear her Daddy’s voice, and she decided to call him. She didn’t care about the time, and she hoped that he wouldn’t. Knowing she would likely fall asleep to the sound of him singing to her or telling her a story, Kayla grabbed an index card from her desk and wrote John a note.

_Grandpa, I have my phone in bed with me. I know that’s against the rules, but I had a really bad dream late last night and I wanted to talk to Daddy about it. I know you and uncle Dean and uncle Bobby are awake right down the hall, but I really wanted him. I hope that’s okay. So if you come to wake me up tomorrow and it’s not on my desk, I have it in bed with me because I fell asleep listening to Daddy read to me. _

_-Kayla_

Kayla left the note on her desk and climbed back into her bed. She pulled the covers back over her and dialed Sam’s number, waiting with a pit in her stomach as the phone rang several times. Just before Kayla knew it would go to voicemail, Sam picked up.

“Kayla? Honey, are you alright?”

Kayla took a shaky breath. Now that she had Sam on the phone and had his full attention, she wasn’t sure what to say.

“Talk to me, sweetie, it’s three in the morning. Are you okay?”

“No.” Kayla said quietly.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I had a really bad dream, Daddy.”

“You…you what?”

“I just had a really scary dream and I wanted to hear your voice.”

“Oh.” Sam was taken aback. It had been a long time since Kayla had come to him needing comfort from a bad dream, but the reflex had never left him. “Do you want to talk to Mommy too?”

“No. Just you.”

“Okay. Hang on.”

Kayla could hear the rustling of sheets and the comforter on her parent’s bed being moved. She pictured Sam pulling back the soft, fluffy comforter that her parents had gotten for an anniversary present years before and putting his feet on the familiar bedroom carpet, then walking out softly to the hallway.

“You still there, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, I wanted to go in the living room so I didn’t wake your Mom. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Do you just want me to stay on the phone with you?”

_I want my Daddy to hold me_, Kayla thought painfully. “Can you tell me a story?”

“A story?”

“Yeah. One of the funny ones you used to tell me when I was little and had a bad dream. Do you remember?”

“Of course I do.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy, I know it’s late…”

“Don’t you ever apologize for calling me. Not ever. Okay?”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Do you have a request?” Sam asked.  


“The elf story.”

Sam chuckled. “That always was your favorite.”

“It still is.”

“Okay. Are you laying down?”

“I am.”

“Alright. Just in case you fall asleep before I finish, I love you to moon and stars, kiddo.”

“Love you too, Daddy.”

“Okay. So, once upon a time, there was an elf. His name was Denny…”

John normally allowed Kayla to sleep in on the weekends. As long as she went to bed on time, she usually got up without too much of a fuss on school mornings, so he saw no need to not let her get her rest when she had nothing else to do and nowhere else to be. But something told him he needed to check on her this morning.

When he knocked on the door and received no answer, John walked in softly. The first thing he noticed was that Kayla’s phone was not on her desk. He was surprised. She had followed every rule he’d given her ever since she got there. He wasn’t too annoyed, but did plan to give her a warning when she woke up. As he moved to her bed to check on her, he saw the note she’d written sometime in the night. John simply smiled and walked over to kiss her cheek.

“Sweet dreams, Bug.”


	33. Chapter 33

The mood around the house had been somber all week. It was Thursday, and John could barely wait for Sam, Jess, and Mary to arrive so they could cheer Kayla up. She pretended to be okay in front of him, but three different times that week, when she thought John wasn't looking, he caught her wiping her eyes. When he'd try to get her to talk about it, John was politely dismissed and he didn't push the issue.

Kayla knew that John knew something was wrong with her. She knew that he wanted her to talk, but there really was nothing to talk about. She was disappointed. She wanted her father to come see her. She wanted her mom and sister to be there so she could talk about girly things with them. She wanted her family to see how good she was doing and maybe, just maybe, invite her to come back home.

John had been biting his tongue all week. He was itching to tell Kayla that her parents were coming, but he was just as keen as they were to give her one moment of pure happiness. She'd laughed and had fun in the weeks she'd been there, but those moments had always been overshadowed by sadness.

Dean had apologized to Kayla. Kayla could tell he meant it, but her brain had started turning. The more she thought about it, the more she realized he was right. Sam and Jess had given her so much attention every time she'd acted up, gotten in a fight with her father, done badly at school, or any one of a hundred other things she'd done in the months leading up to being put on the plane and flown away from home, that there was no way they'd been paying Mary the attention she deserved.

Kayla tried to push those thoughts out and focus on her schoolwork. But that didn't work either. A rumor had started at school after Sam and Jess hadn't made it to Kayla's play. A rumor that changed daily, but revolved around one central tenant. _Your parents gave you up because they didn't want you._ She tried to ignore them, convince herself that the students at her school were wrong.

But it was hard.

Thursday afternoon rolled around, and Kayla knew that she'd never make it home dry if she stayed for drama club practice. She thought about calling John and asking to be picked up after practice, but for some reason, she didn't. Once practice was over, Kayla came out, thinking about her drama teacher's warning to her.

_I need you to focus a little more, Kayla. You've been very distracted this week._

_No, duh, _Kayla thought to herself, though her only response had been "Yes, ma'am". As she stood outside, checking to make sure she had all her things, the weather was quickly turning. The temperature had dropped, the wind was blowing, and the sky was an ominous gray. Kayla could feel small droplets of water touching her skin, though it wasn't quite raining yet. Once satisfied she had all her stuff together, Kayla picked up her backpack and started to walk home, only to be promptly knocked facedown on the concrete sidewalk. As she tried to pull herself up, she heard familiar snickering. The school bully, Jake Watkins, towered above her.

"Oops. Sorry, Winchester. You waiting on your parents to come get you? Oh, wait, they don't do that, do they?"

"Shut up, Jake. Leave me alone."

"What are you gonna do if I don't?" Jake asked threateningly. His two buddies stood behind him, each with their arms crossed over their chests.

"What are you kids still doing here?" The principal of the school, Mr. Jackson, was coming down the sidewalk.

"We were just helping Kayla up." Jake said innocently. "She fell."

"Sure." Mr. Jackson replied sarcastically. "I really believe that, Jake. Kayla, are you okay, sweetie?"

"I'm fine, sir. I tripped like he said."

"Okay, then. Jake, you and your friends head home. Now."

"We're going, we're going."

As Jake was leaving, Mr. Jackson turned back to Kayla. "Are you sure you're okay? I think Nurse Pilar is still here."

"I'm fine. I'm just heading home." Kayla said. "I just left drama practice."

"Do you need a ride? The weather's turning pretty fast."

"No, sir. Thanks. I'll be okay."

"Alright, then. Have a good night, sweetie."

"You too." Kayla said. "Hey, Mr. Jackson? Why didn't you offer to take Jake and his friends home?"

Mr. Jackson smiled. "Jake only lives two doors down. He'll be fine. Besides, if he gets a little wet…" Mr. Jackson shrugged, making Kayla laugh. "Good night, Kayla."

"Good night."

As Kayla watched Mr. Jackson drive away, her brain kept turning to Jake's taunt. _You waiting on your parents to come get you? Oh, wait, they don't do that, do they? _A brief thought, one that didn't even fully form until a few seconds later, crossed her mind. She turned and started heading towards the side of the building, where she knew there was a maintenance ladder, intending to climb to the top of the building and-

"Kayla!"

Kayla turned around and found John standing at the other end of the sidewalk. He held one of her sweaters in his hand, and ran to her as the rain started to fall. He threw her sweater around her shoulders and hugged her.

"I came to get you. I can't believe how fast this rain came up."

When it hit Kayla what she had been about to do, she grabbed John's waist and squeezed it tight. "Thank you, Grandpa."

"For what, kiddo?"

"Coming to get me."

"Why didn't you call me?" John asked. "I could've been here when you got out of practice."

"We, um, ran late. I wasn't really paying attention to the weather. Sorry."

"It's okay. Come on, let's head home. How was practice?"

Kayla knew she was lying to him, but she pretended that practice had been great. She gave him a rundown of their play that was coming up, and made him promise to be there and film it for Sam again. She asked him questions about his day, and by the time they made it home, John decided that the little glimmer he'd seen in Kayla's eyes that unsettled him when he saw her was just her being tired. The following night, when John went up to take a shower and Dean went out on a date with a teacher he'd met at Kayla's school, Kayla asked Bobby a question she'd been wondering about since she'd arrived.

"Uncle Bobby? Why haven't you said anything about what I did?"

"What you did? What'd you do?" Bobby asked.

"All the stuff that happened that made mommy and daddy send me here." Kayla explained. "Grandpa talked to me about it, and mommy and daddy both punished me for it. Uncle Dean even talked to me about it. Why haven't you said anything about it?"

Bobby sighed. "Tell me something. Do you feel bad about everything that happened before you got here?"

"Yeah. I do."

"That's why. Let me tell you something. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does stuff in their lives that hurts other people. People they love. I haven't said anything for exactly the reason you said. Your parents got on you for it, your uncle, your grandpa. And you've been doing so good since you got here. I can tell you're trying to change it, and I'm crazy proud of you for that. But I ain't gonna judge you for it. You're making good on it, so as far as I'm concerned, we're square."

Kayla was speechless. She'd been hoping for forgiveness, but Bobby was offering something more. Understanding. She had the same thought she'd had with John. Maybe she should tell Bobby the secret that she'd buried, that had caused all the misery she'd been through in the last few months. Her thoughts were interrupted by her grandpa coming back in the room.

"Alright, birthday girl. It's almost time for bed."

"'Kay. Goodnight, grandpa. Goodnight, uncle Bobby."

Kayla didn't feel guilty when she realized she'd missed her nightly appointment at her bedroom window with her mom. She had been freezing her parents out all week. Not completely, but just enough that she knew they knew she was upset. They had let her take the reins in their relationship so far. Kayla called them when she needed them, but when she looked back, she noted something that stood out like a sore thumb. While Kayla called her parents at least once a day, they had only called her a total of three times since she'd been there. Sure, they would text her all the time, things like _I'm thinking of you _and _I love you_ and _How are you?_, but except for the first few days when she arrived at John's, neither of them had really called her to check on her. She hoped that, by freezing them out and not calling them, that they'd take the hint.

She didn't know why getting a phone call was so important to her. She was a typical teenager, and communicated with her friends mainly through text. But that was mostly, for Kayla, a way to coordinate things with them. Where and when to meet for a study group. Questions about a homework assignment. Asking to borrow a pencil on the morning that she'd accidentally left her pencil case at home. For Kayla, a phone call signaled that her parents were thinking about her, and, more importantly, that they _wanted _her.

She fell asleep wondering what the next day was going to be like. She'd never had a birthday without her parents before. Neither of them had mentioned it, and Kayla halfway wondered if they'd even remembered. When she woke the next day, there was an unsigned note on her bed.

_There's something in the kitchen for you. DON'T go in there. Sit on the couch, close your eyes, and don't move._

Puzzled, she went downstairs and did what the note said. She heard someone moving around, and recognized her grandpa's voice when he told her to just keep her eyes closed. She felt something crawl into her lap. It was familiar, but she couldn't quite tell what it was. Two people, she assumed her grandfather and Bobby, sat down on either side of her. She felt a pair of small hands cover her eyes, before she heard her grandfather say,

"Open up."

The hands were taken away from her eyes. "Surpwise!"

"Mary?" Kayla said breathlessly. On the left of her was her father, on the right her mother. "Mommy? Daddy?"

"Don't cry, sissy. We here now."

Kayla couldn't speak, the tears clogging her throat, so she grabbed Mary and held her so tight she'd later be surprised she hadn't suffocated her little sister. Sam and Jess held her the same way, and for at least a few seconds, Kayla's dark cloud was gone.


	34. Chapter 34

"Okay, Kayla. Time for bed. You've got school tomorrow."

Kayla swallowed. The fun was over. "Just five more minutes, Grandpa. Please."

John smiled. "Five more minutes leads to five more minutes. Bed."

"Go on, sweetie. We'll come say goodnight in a minute." Jess said.

"Okay, Mommy."

Kayla went up to her room and changed into her pajamas. Mary had been asleep for over an hour. When Kayla went to check on her, she thought about waking Mary up just to make sure she was real. She settled for tucking Mary in a little more and wishing her sweet dreams. When she made it back to her room, she found Sam and Jess waiting for her.

"I know you're a little old for it, but we thought we'd tuck you in." Sam explained.

Kayla smiled. "Okay."

After she was in bed and her covers pulled over her, her phone alarm set for school the next morning, Sam asked, "Did you have a good birthday?"

"I did. Thanks for my presents."

"You're welcome, honey."

"I wish I didn't have to go to school tomorrow. I want to spend the day with you guys."

"Kay, we'll be here all week." Jess promised. "You'll see us. Promise."

"I know."

"Hey, I'm glad you invited Grace over for dinner. She seems like a good kid." Jess said.

"She is."

"Do you have any other friends?"

"Not really. Some other kids I talk to for homework and stuff."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked. "That you talk to them for homework?"

"My new school does a lot of teamwork. We're supposed to work together."

"I see." Sam said. "That sounds cool."

"Honey, I have a question. I want you to be honest with me, okay?"

"What is it?"

Jess sighed, then looked to Sam before asking. "Are you bullied at your new school?"

Kayla started to say 'no', but decided to open up a little with her mom. "A little. Just stupid stuff, though. Because I'm the new kid."

"Is it as bad as before?"

"No, it's not. I really like the new school."

"Good. I'm glad you're happy there."

_I guess I'm good at faking that, _Kayla thought. "I am, Mom."

"Alright. Get some sleep."

Once Kayla was wrapped up, Sam and Jess left the bedroom, only to run into John. "We're heading to bed, Dad."

"Not quite. You two meet me in the living room. I want to talk to you."

"Dad, please, we're really tired. Can this wait until the morning?"

"No. It can't. I want to talk to you while they're both asleep. Come on."

Sam helped a tired Jess down the stairs and to the living room. "Okay, Dad. What's this about?"

"I'm gonna cut right to the chase. You two can't wait this long again before coming to visit."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that it's been far too long since you two saw her. You should've been here weeks ago."

"Dad, we can't just drop everything…"

"Yeah. You can and you will. Because I'm giving you both a choice here."

"What kind of choice?" Jess asked nervously.

"One of you needs to be here, with Mary, at least every other weekend. If you don't agree to that, you either need to take Kayla home with you when you leave or you need to let her stay here permanently."

"You're giving me an ultimatum. _Again._" Sam said angrily. "Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious, Sam."

"Sam, stop. Your dad's right." Jess said. "It has been way too long."

"No, he's not right!" Sam stood up and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "This is exactly the kind of crap he pulled on me when I left for Stanford."

"This isn't about Stanford, Sam." John said with calm that surprised even him. "If you want to rehash that, we can. But not now. Right now, we're talking about Kayla."

"I know we're talking about her, Dad."

"Good. Then sit down. After we're done, if you want to rehash stuff we've already worked out, we will."

"John, how is she doing? Really?" Jess asked. "I got the sense she was holding something back."

"She is. She cries for you two almost every night. It hurt her, bad, when she got hurt and you two didn't come see her. Then when she had that cold and didn't see you, and then for her play."

"We know that…"

"I'm not trying to pull you under the bus, Sam. I'm just being honest with you about what's going on. I'm just trying to say this. There needs to be more certainty than there has been the last few weeks. We need a set schedule for you two coming. She needs to feel like you two are here for her. If you can't commit to that, she either goes home with you or stays here for good."

Sam sighed. "I know you're right, Dad."

"I'm not trying to hurt you two. I'm really not. I'm just trying to make her hurt a little less. I won't think any less of you guys if you decide this should be permanent. But we need to make a decision."

"This isn't permanent." Jess answered immediately. "We'll be here every two weeks. At least. And we'll try to make it to all her plays, even if they don't fall on those weeks."

"Yeah. What she said." Sam promised. "We'll be here, Dad. Promise."

"I'm not the one that needs to hear that promise, Sam. Now there's an exhibit at the children's museum tomorrow I think Mary will like. Bobby and I will take her around the time Kayla gets out of school. You guys pick Kayla up from school tomorrow and talk to her. Deal?"

"Deal." Sam agreed. "And Dad? I'm sorry about earlier. Getting upset with you."

"It's okay, Sam."

"No, it's not. You're helping us, even though you don't agree with us on this. We both really appreciate it."

"That's right. Thank you, John. There's a big difference in her. She seems more content."

"You're welcome. Now you two go to bed."

The weekend had been a blast. The family had thrown Kayla a small party, despite her insistence that she didn't need one. Kayla hadn't been happy, but hadn't protested either, when John told her that she still had to go to school, even though Sam and Jess would be there for the entire week. Unable to sleep Sunday night, Kayla had made a decision. She decided to tell her parents all the little secrets that she'd kept from them. Maybe, she decided, if she told them all the little secrets, she wouldn't have to tell them about the big one that was still festering deep down. With a shaking hand, she reread the letter before turning in.

_Dear Mommy and Daddy,_

_I'm really glad you guys came to see me. I know you said you would anyway, but seeing you two and Mary on the couch with me was the happiest I've been in a really long time. I know I don't say it lately, but I love the both of you._

_I need to tell you some things, but I decided to do it this way because whenever I try to say it out loud, I can't. First, Mommy, I got your letter and I read it. I've been sitting at my window most nights, and I hope you have too. You were right, it is corny, but it does work. Daddy, I was really mean to you in the airport before I got on my flight to come here. I'm sorry. I was mad, and I was hurt, but I know now that you were too. You were right when you said that the party wasn't my first time drinking. I drank a few times at school too. But that's not the worst of it. I've also smoked. Cigarettes and, I really hope you don't hate me for this, pot. I've skipped school quite a few times over two semesters too. I got really good at forging both your signatures, and when the teachers would send notes home, I'd sign them and bring them back the next day._

_I won't blame you if you don't believe me, but that's all of it. Everything you didn't know. If you want to punish me when I get home from school today, I promise I'll take it, whatever it is. I just wanted to come clean._

_I also had a couple other things to tell you. I'm more worried about saying this than telling you about all the other stuff. But, in the spirit of being completely honest, I feel like you need to know. I do get why you sent me here. I really do. But I don't like _ _ **how** _ _ you did it. I pushed you both away after you punished me for going to that party because I didn't think I deserved to be comforted. Grandpa told me last week that actions speak louder than words, and you both told me I was right when you didn't even try to talk to me after that. Mommy, you at least kept trying to give me hugs, but you stopped asking about how summer school was going. Daddy, I did everything I could to do exactly what you told me, but you wouldn't even look at me. When you did, it was just to say 'go back to your room' and then, finally, spank me again. I know I shouldn't have snapped at you, but what you didn't know was that I was so scared to come out for anything that I'd peed my pants. I was embarrassed. I'd gone to the bathroom to change and clean up._

_I didn't tell you both that to make you feel bad. But I thought that, maybe, if we wanted to get better, it would help to open up about everything._

_I want to ask for a couple of favors. I know I don't deserve them, and I won't be mad if you say no, but please just think about it. First, please don't tell grandpa about any of the stuff I told you in this letter. He told me when I got here that if he caught me doing anything dangerous or illegal he'd spank me even worse than you did when I went to that party. I've been doing really well with him, and I don't want to mess that up, so if we can, I'd like to keep this between us. Second, can you please give me some kind of timeline or list of things to do before you'll think about me being able to come home? I have friends here, but I'm scared to get close to them because I don't know if I'm going home any time soon. I'm trying. I really am. But I feel lost. I don't know if there's something else I could be doing or not doing to help my chances. I do want to come home, but I want to know that when I get there, I've earned the right to come back._

_That's it. I'll see you guys after school._

_Love you,_

_Kayla_

The next morning, Kayla got dressed for school early and cautiously walked down the hall to the room where Mary and her parents were sleeping. She had thought about leaving them alone and letting them sleep, but the fact that they were there seemed too good to be true. She was afraid that she'd come home from school to find that it had been a dream. But when she got to the door, she heard Mary's distinct giggling through the door, and Kayla smiled as she opened the door. Mary was sitting between Sam and Jess on the bed.

"Sissy!"

Kayla almost cried again, but her bottom lip to stop it. "Can I join you guys?"

"You don't have to go to school?" Sam asked.

"I usually walk, but grandpa said he'd drive me. He said I've got twenty minutes."

"Okay." Sam said with a smile. He picked up Mary and put her in his lap, then patted the space between him and Jess. "Come on up."

Kayla climbed into the bed, and felt like a kid again for the first time in forever. Mary moved from Sam's lap to Kayla's, and they talked about school, friends, and what else Kayla had been doing since she arrived. All too soon, John came to the bedroom door.

"Say bye to your mom and dad, sweetie. Time for school."

"Yes, sir." Kayla said sadly.

She wanted to fight, beg to stay there, but she'd worked too hard to gain everyone's trust. She hugged everyone, including a crying Mary, who was convinced that Kayla was leaving and she'd never see her again. After convincing her sister that she'd be back that night, Kayla dug the letter for her parents out of her pocket.

"I wrote this for you guys last night. Will you read it while I'm at school?"

Of course they'd agreed, setting Kayla off on one of the longest school days she'd ever had. She didn't learn anything because she was too distracted. In her last class of the day, her favorite teacher, Mrs. Rinder, asked her to stay for a moment after she dismissed everyone. When the class was empty, Mrs. Rinder approached Kayla.

"You're not in trouble, sweetie. But you seem like something's wrong. Are you okay?"

Kayla sighed. Mrs. Rinder was the only one who knew the story behind how Kayla had ended up in Sioux Falls. "My parents are here to visit."

"I see. Isn't that a good thing? I thought you wanted to see them."

"I do. But before I left for school this morning I gave them a letter and I told them about some things I did. Bad things that they don't know about."

"Mmm. And you're worried? About how they'll react?"

"Yeah." Kayla said. "They already sent me away from 'em for the stuff they knew about, so what are they gonna do with the stuff they didn't?"

"So why did you tell them?"

"Because I got tired of carrying it around. Worrying how they'd react." Kayla said.

"And you know what that means? It means you're growing up. You're taking responsibility for your actions. That should make your parents very proud of you."

"I haven't given them any reason to be proud of me." Kayla said bitterly.

"I disagree. And no matter what happens with your parents tonight, _I _am proud of you." Mrs. Rinder said.

Kayla smiled. "Thanks."

"How long are they gonna be here?"

"I don't know. Why?" Kayla asked.

"Parents night is Friday. I'd love to meet them."

"I'll ask." Kayla said. "I gotta go. Thanks, Mrs. Rinder."

Kayla left, her heart slamming in her chest. Almost time to face the music. It was a thirty minute walk home, and for the first time, she wasn't looking forward to it. But as she stepped out of the doors of the school, Kayla got quite the surprise.

"Daddy!"

"Hey." Sam said as Kayla ran to him and hugged his waist. "How was school?"

"Good." Kayla said. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to surprise you. I can't remember the last time I picked you up from school."

"I'm glad you did." Kayla said sincerely.

"Come on. Mommy's waiting for us. You, me, and her need to have a talk."

"You read my letter, didn't you?"

"Come on." Sam said again. "Let's go."

"Where's Mary?"

"Your grandpa and uncle Bobby are taking her to the park for a couple hours." Sam explained.

Twenty minutes later, Sam, Jess, and Kayla were in the living room. Kayla nervously bit her lip and played with her hands, waiting on the condemnation she was certain was coming from both her parents. Sam held Kayla's letter in his hands.

"Before your mom and I say anything, is there anything else you need to tell us?"

"No. That's everything." Kayla said.

"Okay." Sam said, taking a breath before he continued. "Your mom and I have been talking all day. You, um, you certainly surprised us."

"Are you mad?"

"More like disappointed. And hurt. _Pot_, Kayla? And drinking? Really? You could've died!" Sam said, his voice rising more sharply than he intended.

"Sam." Jess said when Kayla flinched. She took Kayla's hand in hers.

"No, Jess. This needs to be said."

"It's okay, mom." Kayla said. "That's why I gave you guys the letter. I want to talk about all this."

Sam immediately felt any sense of anger leave him. He closed his eyes and reminded himself that they had talked, all day, about how to handle this new information. Yelling at Kayla and trying to make her feel guilty would only push her away. It hadn't worked before, so there was no reason to think that it would now. Sam opened his eyes and continued with his and Jess's plan.

"Sweetheart, you did good telling us everything. You really did. But do you understand why we can't exactly take your word for it that that's everything?"

"Yes, sir." Kayla said. It hurt, but she did understand.

"So, as far as your punishment for everything goes, this is it. Me and mommy will start coming unannounced. We'll keep what you told us between the three of us, but when one of us shows up, we're taking you to get a random drug test. Your first one is today."

"Okay."

"Kayla Ellen, I need you to hear me on this. Mommy and I both love you, more than you know. But if you fail one of these drug tests, or refuse to take it, you will not be allowed to come back home. Period. We will get you help if you need it, and we will never just completely cut you out, but your stay at grandpa's and Bobby's becomes permanent from that point forward. We will also tell grandpa everything and let him deal with it however he chooses. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, sir." Kayla said quietly.

"There's one more thing. This is up to you. You don't have to do it if you really don't want to. But mommy and I want you to think about going to see a doctor."

"What kind of doctor?"

"A therapist." Sam said.

Alarm bells immediately started ringing in Kayla's head. _A therapist will figure out your secret right away. _Kayla swallowed her panic and said, in as even a voice as she could, "No. I don't want to talk to a stranger."

"That's okay. I get that. I really do. But just think about it. Okay?"

"Okay." Kayla said. "I'll think about it."

"As far as you coming home. I'll be honest. I hadn't really thought about what I should give you to do to get home. So mommy and I talked about that too. You should plan to stay here until at least the end of the school year."


	35. Chapter 35

"The end of the school year?" Kayla asked. "That's months away."

"I know it is, honey. And I know that's a while. But you said yourself in your letter. You're doing really good here with Grandpa. Why not build on that for a while?"

Kayla scoffed. "So you don't really want me back home?"

"How do you figure that?"

"You just said if I fail a drug test I don't come home. Now it'll be at least eight months before you'll even think about it."

"Kayla, I know you're upset…"

"Yeah, Mom. You're right. I'm upset. It's almost October. I've been here since July. Where were you?"

"I know we've been away for way too long, sweetie…"

"Two and a half months." Kayla said. "I started school, I made friends, I did all the things you two asked me to do and you couldn't even show up for a visit. Did you know I started my period?"

"What?" Jess asked. "When?"

"Three weeks after I got here."

"Why wouldn't you tell me that?"

"Because I didn't want that to be a phone conversation. I was scared, Mom. I needed you. I had to go to the school nurse the next day because Grandpa was so lost as to what to do."

"I…Honey, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

"Apparently."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that not only have you guys not been here, you haven't called me either."

"We've talked to you almost every day." Sam defended.

"When I've called you. You've texted me, sure. But you've both only called me one time each."

"Okay. We can fix that. But we need to talk first…"

Kayla stood and grabbed her backpack. "What is there to talk about? You've both decided, so there's nothing else to talk about."

"Honey, please, let's not do this."

"Do what, Dad? Fight? Why not, we got so good at it."

"I get you're angry."

"No. No, you really don't get how angry I really am. I'm going to my room. I've got homework."

Kayla stomped to her room and threw her backpack on the floor, spilling all the contents in every direction. She hadn't felt this way since her parents announced she was moving to John's. Hopeless, like things could never get better. Like her parents just wanted her out of their faces until they could stand to see her again.

Sam's mind was reeling. "What just happened?"

"What do you think just happened?" Jess asked. "Did you expect her to be happy about this?"

"I expected her to be…" Sam sighed. "I don't know what I expected."

"I never should've done this."

"_You_ didn't do it." Sam argued. "_We_ did."

"I never should've listened to that stupid dream."

"It wasn't stupid, Jess."

"I missed one of the most important moments of my daughter's life, Sam. She had to go to the _school nurse_ to help her. Do you have any concept of how that makes me feel?" Jess asked. "This is not how I wanted it to go down."

"I know it was important…"

"No, Sam, you don't. I wanted to make that day special for her. It's scary for a little girl to go through that the first time."

"I get that, Jess. I do. I wish you could've been there too. But think about our alternative. You believe that dream was as real as I do."

Jess exhaled hard at that. "I know. I know, I do."

"Do you want to stop this? Do you want to bring her home?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I want her to come home, yes. But I don't want to uproot her twice in one year."

"Me either."

"How did things get so messed up?" Jess wondered.

"Because all of us messed up." Sam answered. "All of us messed up and it's gonna take a lot of time to fix it."

"You want to go up and talk to her?"

"I guess I should. I'm mostly the reason we're in this mess."

"Hey. Like you said. _We _did it. Okay?"

Sam nodded. "Okay. You want to come up with me?"

"How about you go first? Call me up when she's calm."

"Gee, thanks." Sam said sarcastically.

He and Jess shared a quick kiss, then Sam climbed the steps up to Kayla's room. He found her sitting at her desk with some books and a couple of pieces of paper. He knocked softly on the frame of Kayla's door, the memory of what she'd said down in the living room haunting him. _Do what, Dad? Fight? Why not, we got so good at it._

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." Kayla said quietly, not looking up from her work.

"What are you working on?"

"English and Algebra."

"How are you doing in those?"

"My report card's in my backpack if you want to see it. Grandpa already signed it."

Sam frowned. Kayla had all the emotion of a rock at the moment. "Kay, we need to talk."

"We talked downstairs."

"Please. Please put the homework down and actually talk to me."

Kayla reluctantly put her pencil down and turned to face Sam. "Talk about what?"

"You're angry."

"YES! Yes, okay, I'm angry."

"Tell me why."

"Why do you think?" When Sam bit his bottom lip and took a deep breath, Kayla finally exploded. "Right. I forgot. I'm not allowed to talk to you like I'm actually angry. So what, because you think you had a good reason to ship me off like this, I should act like it doesn't hurt?"

"I told you why I did this, Kayla."

"Right. Because you were worried I might hurt myself. So you decided to save me the trouble of doing it myself and just went on ahead and did it to me."

"So what do you want me to do?"

"There's nothing you can do. It's a little late to take it back."

"Will you please, please just listen to me? Just let me explain a couple things and then if you still want to be mad at me, you can yell, scream, do whatever."

Kayla thought it over. "All I have to do is listen?"

"Just listen."

"Okay."

"Thank you. Will you come sit on the bed with me?" Kayla came to join him, though she sat as far away from him as she could. "I'm gonna tell you something that most adults don't like to tell kids. I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"I wasn't very honest with you before we sent you over here. I should've told you what your mother and I were talking about days before we did. We never should've blindsided you like that. That was wrong, and I'm sorry for that."

Kayla stared at the corner of the bed, her mind working but not providing any response for her father.

"And maybe I way overreacted sending you here. It was my idea at first. Your mother had to be convinced. I really thought that if we kept you at home, something bad would happen."

_Too late,_ Kayla thought but didn't say.

"I thought that if I sent you to Grandpa's, he could give you the attention that me and your mother couldn't. Your mom has Mary to focus on, I've got work. I just wanted someone who could keep a closer eye on you than me or your mom could."

"You could've told me all of that."

"You're right." Sam said, ignoring the _I could've if you had just talked to me _that he wanted to say. "You're right. I could've and should've told you more than I did. I messed up here too. I won't deny that."

Kayla finally softened, hearing her father admit that he hadn't handled the situation as he should have.

"That's all I had to say." Sam said. "So have at it."

"It hurts." Kayla admitted.

"What does?"

Kayla sniffed. The pure, raw anger was gone now, replaced by only the dull pain she lived with constantly. "Being here. Away from you. Away from Mom, and Mary. It hurts."

"I'm sorry, baby. I know it does. It hurts us being away from you."

"I never realized how much you were there for me at home. Not until I got here and you weren't. I'm sorry."

Sam was surprised by, but appreciative of, the admission. "It's okay. That's my job, to be there for you. I guess I've kind of fallen down on that lately."

Kayla took a ragged breath. "I get it. What you said about sending me here. And I know you're sorry for blindsiding me. But I can't do this anymore. I just want to come home."

"I want that too. But can you honestly tell me that if we brought you home right now, you wouldn't fall back into the same things you were in before?"

"I was doing better." Kayla argued.

"For a few days, yes. But this isn't just about the party. This was a pattern, honey. I know you were working hard to change. And I'm sorry if this is harsh. But that party proved something to me."

"What?"

"That I can't trust you right now. I need you to stay somewhere where you're being supervised. Where you know you're under watch. And if you do well here, I swear to you, the second you're out of school, you come home."

"Fine." Kayla said, wiping her sleeve across her eyes.

"Is there another reason you want to come home? Anything else I need to know?"

"I get picked on. About you and Mom."

"What do you mean?"

"Because you weren't at my play. Some of the kids figured out that I don't live with you and Mom and they started picking on me for it." Kayla admitted.

"What kind of things do they tell you?"

"That you didn't want me anymore. That you sent me here because you didn't care what happened to me."

"That is not true. It is not true at all."

"I know you guys love me. I know you care. And I know Mary deserved you more than me."

"Hold it. Where did that come from?" Sam asked. "Who told you that?"

"Uncle Dean did."

A surge of anger that Sam was barely able to suppress came up, and he could almost taste the bitterness in his throat as he swallowed it down. "That is not true either. Mary does not deserve us more than you. We are just as much your parents as we are hers. Okay?"

Kayla nodded. "Okay."

Sam sighed again. "I'm sorry, Bug. I'm sorry things are so messed up."

"Is there any way to convince you not to wait until the end of the school year?" Kayla pressed. "Please, Daddy. Please."

"I'll make a deal with you. Do you have a schedule for your plays?"

"We're supposed to have one every month. I don't know the exact days."

"When you figure them out, tell me. Your mom, Mary, and I will be here. For every one of them."

"You promise?"

"We'll be in the front row cheering for you if that's what you want. But we will be there for all of them. I swear."

Kayla smiled. "That sounds good."

"Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Please give this an honest to God chance. Give it until New Years'. If you're still miserable after New Years', I promise I'll bring you home."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Sam said. "But only if you promise me that you'll give this a shot. A real shot. And you'll keep working hard in school."

"I will. Promise."

"I know you want to come home. But take it from someone's who's moved more times than he can count. You don't want to be uprooted twice in one year. Just give it a shot."

"How are you and Mom gonna come for my plays _and_ do surprise visits?"

"We'll figure that part out. You just worry about keeping up your grades and your behavior." Sam said.

"I'll try."

"I know you feel like I do, but I don't expect perfection. There's three big rules to follow. You follow these, you'll come home. No drinking or smoking, no sneaking out, nothing illegal. Can you do that?"

"Yes, sir. I can do that."

"That's my girl." Sam said, reaching over to ruffle Kayla's hair.

"Hey, Dad? When do you guys leave?"

"We fly out Friday night."

"Oh." Kayla said, disappointed.

"What's up?" Sam asked.

"Nothing. It's not important."

"It's important enough for you to bring it up, so it is not nothing. What is it?"

"There's a parent's night at my school Friday night. I was hoping you and Mom would be here long enough to go. But it's okay."

Sam smiled. "We'll be there."

"You will?"

"Yeah. We'll be there."

"But what about your flight?" Kayla asked.

"We'll rent a car and drive back home." Sam said.

Before he could say anything else, Kayla sailed for Sam's neck and was suffocating him with the force of her hug. Stunned by the sudden outburst of affection, he didn't return her hug at first. When he did, nearly twenty seconds later, Kayla still had a hold on him.

"You're the best Daddy in the whole world."

Sam's eyes sparkled with tears. "It's easy when you got the best baby girl." When Kayla finally pulled away, he asked, "You want to come downstairs with me and Mom? Mary should be back any minute now."

"No thanks. Can you give me a little while alone? Let me finish my homework? I don't have too much left."

"Happy to." Sam said. He leaned over and kissed Kayla's cheek. "Come find us when you're done."

As Sam walked out the door, preparing to tell Jess they'd have to stay an extra day, Kayla called him back.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't go. I didn't mean it."

Sam smiled. "Sure, kiddo. You need some homework help?"

The rest of the week sailed by for Kayla much too fast. With the thought of a resolution in the air, she felt freer. The teasing at school had lost its sting. When Thursday night rolled around, John surprised her before bedtime.

"Hey, kiddo. Need to talk to you about something."

"What's up, Grandpa?"

"Well, I wanted to tell you that I was real proud of you for how you handled having to go to school all week with your parents here. I know you were disappointed and you wanted to spend time with them."

"Thanks." Kayla said.

"You're welcome. Anyway, I was thinking. How would you like to spend all day tomorrow with them?"

Kayla gasped. "Really? I don't have to go to school?"

"On a couple of conditions."

"What conditions?"

"One, this is the only time you will be missing school for a reason other than being sick. If your parents come again and you're in school, you go, no complaints."

"Deal."

"And two, I know you're going with them to parents night tomorrow. While you're there, I expect you to get your homework and classwork that you missed. There'll be no fun time this weekend until it's all done. Can you handle that?"

"You bet I can! Thanks, Grandpa!"

"You're welcome. Since you don't have to go to school tomorrow, do you want to stay up a little while longer? Your mom and dad are in the living room watching a movie."

Thirty minutes later, John was laying a blanket over a sleeping Kayla, who had fallen asleep on the couch between Sam and Jess. Kayla was happier the next day than John had seen her the entire time she'd been with him, and she came back beaming that night as Jess reported what her teachers had said about her. Phrases like _excellent student_ and _a joy to have around _had been used by all four of them. And Kayla's personal favorite had come from Mrs. Rinder, who informed Sam and Jess that they had an 'amazing daughter' and told them that they should 'be proud that they created a daughter as magnificent' as she was.

For the first time in months, Kayla fell asleep at peace, with no bad dreams to plague her.


	36. Chapter 36

Sam was used to the whirlwind of emotion that had become a part of his life. As he drove down the road back to his father’s house, his heart was heavy with what he was about to do. Jess sat in the front seat beside him, and Sam could tell her mind was turning too. Sam was surprised Jess hadn’t said anything to him yet. She had let him take the lead on this, but he knew that didn’t mean she didn’t have some strong opinions about it.

“Sam…”

_Here we go_, Sam thought. “Yeah?”

“Maybe we should talk about this before we go back to your Dad’s.”

Sam let out an irritated sigh. Kayla was also one of the few reasons the two of them ever argued, and Sam could sense one was on its way. He decided it best to pull over and get the fight out of the way rather than trying to drive and argue at the same time.

“Talk about what, Jess? We laid it out for her clear as day not one month ago. She fails a drug test, she stays here permanently.”

“I know that, but…”

“But what?” Sam asked. “What, Jess?”

“Nothing.” Jess said quietly, turning to look out the window. “Nothing, let’s just get this over with.”

“Jess, please look at me.” When Jess continued to stare out the window, Sam grabbed her hand. “Please look at me.”

Jess turned slowly, wiping the tears that stood at the edge of her eyes.

“Do you really think I want to do this?” Sam asked. “Do you think this isn’t tearing me up inside? That it’s not making me feel like a failure as a father?”

“I know it is.”

“Tell me what to do.” Sam said, and Jess was surprised to hear that he was pleading and not angry or frustrated. “Tell me what to do here. This just tells me one thing. Kayla needs someone who can keep a constant eye on her. I can’t do that and work too. You can’t do that and work and keep an eye on Mary. Give me some kind of alternative here. Please.”

“There’s programs…”

“Which I’m going to look into the second we get back home. But until we know for certain that Kayla is completely on the straight and narrow, I just don’t trust her enough to come back home.”

“Sam, she’s fourteen. Can you honestly tell me you didn’t do stupid crap when you were fourteen?”

“I did. I did do stupid stuff when I was fourteen. I ran away to Flagstaff and was gone for two weeks. I snuck out of the house, I broke curfew, I did a hundred other things. And every single time I messed up, my Dad and Dean were right there to turn me around.”

“But we _aren’t _right there.” Jess argued. “We’re not there. We’re parenting from a distance. By phone calls and random visits. We _are not_ there for her.”

“We tried.” Sam shot back. “Jess, we tried. For months. We tried. We grounded, we punished, we talked to her until we were blue in the face. It would work for a day or two and she’d go right back to whatever the hell she was doing. We can’t keep that up.”

“I know.”

“And think about this. Jess, she was thirteen and was drinking, smoking, and doing drugs. If she was doing all that at thirteen, what was gonna happen when she was fourteen? fifteen? When she’s sixteen and can drive? When she’s eighteen and we can’t do anything about it anymore?”

“I know. I know you’re right. I just…”

“I know. I know it hurts, honey, I do. And if I could think of anything else to do, I would.”

Sam swallowed hard as the reality of what this afternoon would mean hit him again. He kept a hand behind Jess’s head, gently stroking her hair, and took some deep breaths against the pain shooting through his heart. He closed his eyes and remembered Kayla as a baby, playing peekaboo with him through the bars of her crib as he went in to get her in the morning. Kayla at two, dressing as a lawyer for Halloween, trying to emulate him. Kayla at ten, quiet and not talking to anyone after trying and failing to save her grandmother’s life in a car accident.

He missed those moments desperately. But he could see no other alternative right then. As much as Sam loved his father, he hated how much he felt like John at the moment. No matter how much pain it caused Kayla, Sam would rather live apart from her and feel certain she was safe than have her live at home and worry that the next phone call he got would lead to having to bury Kayla. Sam had been through a lot in his relatively short life. A lot that should have killed him. But he was certain that getting that phone call would accomplish what all the monsters and ghosts and werewolves and other supernatural creatures hadn’t been able to do.

“Sam?”

Jess’s quiet voice broke Sam out of his own train of thought. “Yeah.”

“Promise me something.”

“What?” Sam asked.

“I know we told Kayla this was permanent. I can’t do that to her.”

“Jess…”

“Just hear me out. Please. I heard you out when we first decided this, just give me the same courtesy, please.”

Sam nodded. “Okay.”

“I just keep imagining myself in her shoes. I’m fourteen, and Mom and Dad have told me there’s no way I’ll ever be able to come back home. There’s no way I hear that and think that Mom and Dad still care about me. No matter what they say, there’s no way I hear that and believe they still love me.”

Sam was silent. He’d been thinking the same thing.

“And add to that the fact that we didn’t come when she actually asked for us to come. We keep telling her that we’re here for her, but when she actually asks for us to be there, we aren’t.” Jess wiped a tear away, remembering how guilty they’d felt when Kayla asked them to come to her school play and they didn’t. How defeated she’d sounded.

“You know why we couldn’t make the play…”

“I do. I also know that we could’ve given her the choice-be there for the play or be there for her birthday. But we didn’t do that either. Sam, as distant as she’s become, I still feel like I know her. I still feel connected to her. And I’m scared to death that for every one time she’s asked for us to be there, there’s a hundred where she’s woken up in the middle of the night wanting her Mommy and I wasn’t there. Or wanting you and we’re across the country.”

Now Sam’s own tears were coming out.

“I can’t do that to her, Sam. I just can’t do it. We extend the deadline, tell her another year on top of the one we told her when we were here last, but we don’t tell her it’s over.”

“We need to be consistent on this…”

“And if we don’t taper that consistency with some compassion, some kind of understanding, then we don’t deserve to have Kayla back. Or even to keep Mary. Because this isn’t just on Kayla. That last week she was at home with us, we gave up. We gave up on being her parents. And I’m afraid if we tell her this is permanent, she’ll think we’re doing it again, but willingly this time.” Jess took a breath and said something she had never pictured herself saying. “I’m not going along with keeping her here permanently. If you don’t tell her that we’ve changed that, that we’re still giving her a chance to come back home, then I’m packing up me and Mary and moving in with your father and Bobby.”

Sam was shocked. “Jess…”

“I won’t leave my child forever. I won’t do it. I agree she can’t come home right now. But I’m not going to take away her only reason to try harder and do better. So tell me now, before we get back on the road. What are we gonna do?”

Sam took a deep breath. He knew, deep down, that Jess was right. He’d known it the second he said it to Kayla. He also knew Jess was right about them giving up. The week before they’d sent Kayla to John’s had been full of angry silences, tears, and had caused more damage than all the months of fighting beforehand combined.

“We tell her another six months. Make her go to drug counselling, make her take weekly tests. She fails another test, we add on another month.”

“I can live with that.” Jess agreed. “But I say three months. Not six.”

“Okay.” Sam said, reaching for the key to start the car again. He turned to Jess again. “You know what my Dad is probably gonna do with this?”

Jess nodded somberly. “Yeah.”

“I can tell you from experience. It will hurt. It’ll hurt bad. But he won’t harm her. You understand the difference, right?”

“Yeah.” Jess said again. “Yeah.”

“If you want, we’ll get a room in town tonight.” Sam said. “Or we’ll start back home.”

“Let’s just see how this goes.” Jess said. “Come on. Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

Sam started the car again, and drove on towards the house. When he arrived, he found Dean, Bobby, John, and Kayla in the kitchen, listening to an excited Mary telling them all a story. To Sam’s relief, family friend Jody Mills was there too, giving them a perfect place to send Mary while they talked with Kayla. Mary was animated, using her hands to illustrate whatever point she was making. Everyone was laughing, making Sam and Jess dread the conversation all the more. When Mary was finally winding down her story, Sam cleared his throat from the doorway.

“Daddy! Mommy!”

Mary jumped up from her seat at the table and ran to her mother, who scooped up Mary and squeezed her tight. “Hey, baby. What were you doing?”

“I was telling everybody the story I made up in school this week. You wanna hear?”

“Maybe later.” Sam said with a smile, kissing Mary’s cheek. “Hey, Jody? We have a great big favor to ask.”

“What’s up?”

“Can you take Mary out for a couple of hours? We need to talk to Kayla alone.” Sam said.

“I don’t wanna leave. We comed to see Kay’a.” Mary protested. “Please, Daddy.”

“You can come back tonight, honey.” Sam promised, hoping that the confrontation they were about to have didn’t go so bad that they ended up having to leave before he could keep the promise. “But we have some grown-up stuff to talk about with Kayla first.”

“Daddy? What’s wrong?”

“We’ll talk about it in a minute.” Sam said, a little sharper than he meant to. When Kayla flinched, Sam asked, a little softer, “Jody, do you mind?”

“Sure.” Jody stood up and walked over, taking Mary from her mother’s arms. “Come on, kiddo. You wanna help me put some bad guys away?”

“Only if Kay’a comes too.” Mary said, crossing her arms and pouting.

“It’s okay, Mary. Go.” Kayla urged. “You can tell me about it tonight.”

“You sure?” Mary asked. “I don’t care if I get in trouble for it. I’m not going if it’ll make you sad.”

“Mary, you don’t have a choice.” Sam snapped. He pulled out his keys and handed them to Jody. “Jody, you can take my car since her car seat’s in there.”

“It’s okay, Mary. It won’t make me sad.” Kayla said. “Go. Have fun.”

“Okay. Loves you, Sissy. Bunches and bunches.”

“Love you too. Bunches and bunches.”

With one last dirty look at her father, Mary left with Jody. When they heard the car backing out of the driveway, a heavy silence had fallen on the kitchen. John was the first to break it.

“Sam? What’s wrong?”

“Kayla? Do you want to tell them or should I?”

“Tell them what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

_She sounds almost convincing,_ Sam thought. “I have the results from your drug test in my pocket.”

Kayla flushed and eyed her grandfather. “You said you wouldn’t tell!”

“I said I wouldn’t tell if you passed. Kayla, you failed. You tested positive for marijuana and pain killers. The levels, the tech said, were off the charts.”

“That’s impossible.” Kayla protested. “I haven’t done anything!”

“Kayla.” John said from the table. “I told you what would happen if you did anything illegal here.”

“I didn’t do it!” Kayla insisted. “Grandpa, please believe me, I didn’t do it!”

“Then explain this, Kayla.” Sam pulled the results out of his pocket. “Explain how this got into your system.”

“There’s nothing in my system!” Kayla said. “The only thing I’ve taken since I got here was grandpa gave me when I sliced up my hand. That’s it. I swear that’s it!”

“Go to your room, Kayla. Your parents and I need to talk.” John said, calmly but authoritatively.

Kayla, in a full blown panic now, burst into tears. “I didn’t do anything. Please, please, please believe me. There’s some kind of mistake.”

“Kayla, get to your room. Now. Unless you want me to keep my promise in front of everyone.” John said, his voice descending to a low growl.

Kayla decided to try her last, desperate attempt to get someone to listen to her. She pushed herself out of her chair and grabbed her mother’s waist tightly. “Mommy, please. I didn’t do this. I promise I didn’t.”

Sam expected Jess to give in. He loved her, but it was just her nature. When Kayla or Mary cried, Jess’s heart shattered and she wore her heart on her sleeve. But just as he was about to grab Kayla’s arm and pull her away, telling her again to go to her room, Jess stopped him.

“Sam, wait.” Jess gave Kayla the hug she was so obviously craving, but held her ground. She pulled Kayla’s chin up and wiped her face. “I love you. I love you so much I can’t stand it. But you promised me and Daddy this was over.”

“I didn’t…”

“Stop it, Kayla. We have proof. Solid proof. Now do what your grandfather said. Go to your room. We’re all going to talk for a minute, then Daddy and I are going to find your sister. We’ll be back for dinner. You’re back on the grounding you were on back home. We will discuss the details when your father and I get back tonight. But you have really let us all down.”

“Mommy…”

“Go, Kayla. Now.”

Jess pointed up the stairs in the direction of Kayla’s bedroom. Every ounce of her energy was being used to maintain her composure. A devastated Kayla left the kitchen and slumped to her room. John was already standing and going towards the staircase. He stopped and patted Jess’s shoulder.

“I know that was hard on you. But you did the right thing.”

“I can’t…I can’t be here for this.” Jess said. “I just can’t.”

“It’s okay.” John answered. “I understand. I won’t hurt her.”

“I know. I trust you.” Jess said. “Sam, let’s go.”

“Sam?” Dean spoke from the other side of the kitchen. “You need anything, bud?”

“No.” Sam said. “Thanks, though.”

“Sure.” Dean answered awkwardly. “Bobby, maybe we should…?”

“Yeah.” All too eager to get away from what was about to unfold, Bobby and Dean started to race out the kitchen door.

Sam’s cell phone rang. He thought about not answering, but when he checked the caller ID, he noticed it was the clinic. He picked it up and couldn’t believe what he heard. He thanked the technician again, and though he hadn’t believed it possible, Sam felt even worse than he had before.

  
“Oh, my God.”

“Sam, what is it?” Jess asked.

“That was the clinic. There was a mix-up with Kayla’s test. It was a false positive.”

“What?” Jess asked, a pit beginning to form in her stomach. “What does that mean?”

“The clinic always takes two samples. The tech that took Kayla’s today was new. He admitted to the doctor in charge after we left that he wasn’t entirely sure he didn’t mislabel Kayla’s sample with another guy’s that was there today. They re-ran the test twice to be sure. Kayla’s was negative.”

“Sam, tell me we did not just do this. Tell me we did not just…”

Jess looked with alarm at the staircase. John had walked upstairs more than a minute earlier. She grabbed Sam’s arm and urged him in a panic. “Sam. Your dad.”

Sam jumped into action. He ran to the stairs, his heart pounding, hoping he could get to Kayla in time. Just as he started to call his father, yelling for him for stop, John met him halfway down the stairs.

“Oh, thank God. Dad, we have to talk to Kayla.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” John asked.

“There was a mistake at the clinic. Kayla’s test was a false positive. It was mislabeled with somebody else’s. She was telling the truth.”

“Well, that explains that.” John said.

“What do you mean?”

“Kayla’s not in her room, and the side door’s cracked. She ran away while we were talking.”

One of Kayla’s earliest, clearest memories, which ran through her head as she ran from her family, happened when she was six years old and in the first grade. She’d been playing on the playground when she fell and tripped on the concrete sidewalk. She’d earned not only a large scrape on her face, but scraped knees and elbows too. As one of Kayla’s friends had gone to get the teacher, another of her classmates, the class bully named Tyler, had teased her about crying so much.

“You keep crying, you’ll cry yourself dry ‘till there’s nothing but a skeleton left.”

That, of course, had only made Kayla cry harder. She’d cried so much that the school nurse had called her mother to pick her up. After getting her home, Jess had been concerned that something else was wrong, but Kayla was determined to save her question for her daddy. He would know for sure if it was possible to dry up from crying too much. After he’d gotten home, Kayla had pulled Daddy aside and begged to talk to him ‘about something real serious’. Once she was on his lap, Kayla had asked the question. After laughing, Daddy had given her a hug and explained,

“You can’t turn into a skeleton from crying, honey. It’s okay to cry if you’re hurt.”

Kayla finally found the place she’d been looking for. Her friend Grace and Grace’s family were out of town, so Kayla had snuck into their backyard and was hiding in their treehouse. As she climbed up the stairs and into the sanctuary of the small wooden room, Kayla couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, her daddy might have been wrong this time.

Kayla had been hurting for a long time now. No one knew the real reason, because Kayla had kept it from them deliberately. But with the relative peace that had descended over the family since Kayla had moved to John’s, the pain had subsided from a constant, persistent ache to a low, dull throbbing that she was easily able to block out when she kept herself distracted and busy.

The voice was back too. The one that felt like it hid in the back corner of her brain and peeked around the corner to suck all the happiness away from her. She had gotten practiced at shutting the voice out as her relationship with her parents and family gradually improved. But now that everything was falling apart again, she didn’t bother to push it away, just curled up into the fetal position in the corner crying.

Trying to cry herself dry.

_Told you it wouldn’t work._

_No one believes you._

_You can’t be a good enough person to stay in this family._

Kayla tried to piece together what might have happened. What might have made her fail that test. But before long, she gave up. It didn’t matter. The voice was blaring, overriding any thoughts that things might get better. That she deserved to be loved and cared for just as much as everyone else in her family did. The longer Kayla sat in that corner, the longer the voice in her head was able to convince her she was worthless. The painful knot in her chest grew larger, and Kayla lost more and more hope.

“Kayla.”

Kayla jumped, thinking that somehow her mother had found her. “Mommy?”

“No, Kayla. Try again.”

That was when she spotted her. Out of nowhere, a woman had appeared in the tree house with her. Her vision was so blurred by tears it took a few moments to recognize her. Not her mother, but instead…

“Grandma?”

“Hi, sweetheart.” Leslie said, moving to sit down next to Kayla.

“H…how?” Kayla asked. “Are you…are you real?”

“I’m as real as you need me to be.”

“Why are you here?” Kayla wiped her face with the back of her hand, and another disturbing thought came to her. “You here to yell at me too?”

“Who’s been yelling at you?”

“Daddy. Mommy. Grandpa. They all think I did something awful, but I didn’t. I swear I didn’t.”

“Well then, you didn’t.” Leslie said simply.

“You mean you believe me? Just like that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Leslie asked.

Kayla sniffed hard, then spotted a box of Kleenex that had been left a few inches away. Leslie handed the box over to her. Kayla blew her nose and finally settled down a little.

“There you go. Feel better?”

“Not really.” Kayla said sadly. “I can’t do anything right.”

“You listen to me, Kayla Ellen Winchester. I don’t like hearing you talk about yourself like that.”

“I can’t help it. It’s true.” Kayla replied. “I’ve messed up over and over and over. This time I didn’t even do anything and everybody’s still mad at me. No one believes me.”

“Come here, young lady.”

Leslie pulled an arm around Kayla’s shoulder, and Kayla leaned into her grandmother’s familiar form. It had been years since she felt it, but the comfort it brought was still there. The hope that all would be well, the certainty that she was loved with no conditions at all, the feeling that she was the most treasured and beautiful thing on the planet. Kayla never wanted to leave.

“I just told you that I do.” Leslie reminded her.

“Why?” Kayla asked. “Why do you believe me when no one else does?”

“Because I can see in here.” Leslie answered, placing a hand on Kayla’s heart.

“Then you shouldn’t believe me either.”

“I said I see in here, Kayla. In your heart. Not up here in your head.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Because in here,” Leslie said, pointing again towards Kayla’s heart, “is the sweet little girl who used to insist on making me give her ‘huggies’ before I could leave her. Who’d kiss me goodnight and tuck me in when she slept over at my house.”

“I haven’t seen her in a while.” Kayla said.

“I know. Because you’ve been listening to the voice up here. The one that’s telling you all these nasty things about yourself.”

“How do I stop?” Kayla asked. “It’s all I can hear sometimes.”

“I know, my sweetheart. I know. Come here.”

Leslie pulled Kayla close to her, and that familiar feeling of being completely safe that always accompanied her grandmother’s presence descended over her again. Kayla had craved this ever since Leslie had died, and hadn’t realized how much until that moment. Leslie said nothing at first, and Kayla felt herself calm as the seconds passed by.

“Kayla, I want to ask you something.”

“What?” Kayla asked, nearly asleep under Leslie’s gentle touch.

“I want you to tell your grandma what’s making you hurt so much.” Leslie said. “And I want you to tell me the truth.”

Kayla wasn’t sleepy anymore. Her eyes popped open and that sick feeling of dread returned.

“Come on, honey. Please tell me.”

“I told you.” Kayla said. “Everybody thinks I did something…”

“No, Kayla. I’m not talking about why you ran away today. See, I told you I can what’s going on inside your heart, and I meant that. I can see that sweet, precious little girl in there, but I can see something else too. Something happened to you, baby. Something bad that changed you. I know that kind of pain, sweetie. I know what it does to you. And if you don’t let anyone help you, it can fester and make you hurt inside when you don’t have to. Why don’t you tell me, honey?”

Kayla bit her bottom lip. Maybe Grandma was right. Maybe if she shared what happened, it wouldn’t hurt so much all the time. Maybe then she could move on, and maybe, just maybe, she could finally have the one thing that had escaped her for so long now.

Peace.

But the voice started in on her again. _She won’t believe you either. She’ll leave you. _So Kayla buried her secret all over again.

“There’s nothing, Grandma.”

“Alright, sweetheart. I won’t push it. But you remember what I said. The only way you’re gonna stop hurting so much is if you trust someone enough to share this with them.”

“Nobody cares.”

“Now that I know for a fact is not true. Your mother and father and grandfather and uncle Dean and uncle Bobby love you so much.” When Kayla shook her head, Leslie kissed her and said, “You know, I heard you that night.”

“What night?”

“When your mom and dad told you they were sending you here.”

“You did?”

“I did.” Leslie looked away, thinking about something. She decided to tell Kayla the truth. “And you were right. I wouldn’t have let them send you away if I’d been there. I would’ve moved you in with me if it was getting too much for them. But just because I don’t agree with what they did, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or that they don’t love you. They’re out there right now looking for you.”

“They are?” Kayla asked.

“They are.” Leslie said. “Why don’t you go on back, sweetie?”

“I can’t. Grandpa’ll spank me for sure now.”

“Do you trust me, baby girl?”

“Sure, I do.”

“Then trust me now.” Leslie assured her. “You start back home, okay? Everything’ll be alright.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“Just talk to me when you need me, okay? You might not be able to see me, but I’ll hear you.” Leslie said.

“You promise? You promise it’ll be okay?”

“I promise.” Leslie said. “I promise, baby.”

“I miss you, Grandma.”

“I miss you too, baby. Give Grandma a kiss and head on back home.”

Kayla was startled when she stepped out of the treehouse to find that it was dark. Immediately, a new sense of guilt started to crush her. She’d promised her father, years earlier, that she wouldn’t run away anymore. She’d run once when she was eight, when her mother was sick and in a coma and Kayla had been told she couldn’t see her. She’d run again when she was ten, when in a fit of grief induced anger, her mother had suggested that Kayla was responsible for Leslie’s death. Though Sam had been understanding both times, he’d made himself clear. She wasn’t to run anymore or she’d be in big trouble.

_You should be used to that by now._

“Shut up!” Kayla said out loud, and that was enough to calm the voice for the moment.

She did some thinking on the way back to the house, and decided she’d make a few things clear to the adults in her family before accepting whatever punishment they thought they should deal out. Even if it meant the worst.

Three streets down from home, a sudden storm came upon her. Kayla had always been afraid of thunderstorms, so she picked up her pace and ran. A downpour of rain started. She opened the front door of the house and ran inside, soaked from head to toe. Before she could even think, there were a pair of arms around her neck, practically suffocating her.

“Kayla!”

“Hi, Mommy.” Kayla said, wanting to hug Jess back, but was prevented from doing so by her conflicting feelings. She didn’t want to get her mother wet, and she felt guilty for worrying her.

“Get in here. You’re soaked.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Kayla expected her father to be angry, but to her surprise, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t approach her at first, just stood next to Bobby’s desk looking as sad and guilty as she felt herself. John was on the couch, his own face a near mirror reflection of Sam’s.

“Young lady, just where were you?” John asked sternly.

“I ran to Grace’s.” Kayla said.

“John, not now. Please.” Jess said, coming back from the bathroom with some towels. “Here, dry off.”

“No matter what happened, she knows better than to run away.”

“I need to say something.” Kayla said as Jess started to work patting her dry. “Please, just let me get this out.”

“Say whatever you want, but you need to dry off.” Jess insisted. “You’ll get sick if you don’t.”

“Mommy, please. Please sit on the couch and listen to me.” Kayla said. “Daddy, you too. Please.”

Sam moved from Bobby’s desk to the couch. He still hadn’t said anything, too shocked from his own actions earlier in the day. Kayla sat on top of the coffee table, wrapped in a blanket at her mother’s insistence. Jess finally joined him and John on the couch.

“Where’s uncle Dean and uncle Bobby?”

“They’re out looking for you.” John said, still some bitterness in his voice. “You’ve been gone for eight hours. We took shifts.”

“Oh.” Kayla felt a whole new guilt creep up on her. She looked away and down to the floor.

“What were you thinking?” John asked. He knew he should stop, but he couldn’t help it. The sight of Kayla’s empty bedroom had given him a sense of panic he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Please stop yelling at me. Just for a minute. Please. I just need to get this out. Just please let me talk.” Kayla begged.

“Dad, stop it.” Sam said, speaking for the first time. “All of us were scared. Not just you. Kayla has the floor. Let her speak.”

“Thank you.” Kayla said gratefully. She looked up and took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry I ran away. I’m sorry I scared you. All of you.” Kayla swallowed; the first part of her speech had been the easy part. “I didn’t do this. I’ve been really good since I got here, except for running away today. But I know too, that I haven’t given you any reason to trust me over whatever that tech said today.”

“Kay…” Sam said.

“Daddy, please. Let me finish.” Kayla said, and Sam closed his mouth and nodded. “I decided on the way back home I’d rather earn back your trust and not fight you guys on this. I won’t admit to something I didn’t do. That’s the same as lying to you. But I won’t fight being punished for it, if it means that maybe one day in the future you will believe me.”

All three adults, even John, were stunned.

“That’s all I had to say. That and I’m sorry again for running away. I know I promised you I wouldn’t, and I broke that promise.” Kayla looked to the floor, swinging her feet back and forth, waiting for the order to go back upstairs to her room.

“I’m actually glad you did run away this time.”

It was Kayla’s turn to be stunned. “What?”

“Kay, Mommy and I owe you about a dozen apologies today.” Sam said. “I got a call from the clinic after we sent you to your room. There was a mistake with your test today.”

“A mistake? What kind of mistake?”

“It was mislabeled by that new tech that was there today. They re-ran the test after we left. Yours came out clean.”

A wave of relief washed over Kayla. She’d been vindicated.

“Baby, we are so sorry.” Jess said. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry we are.”

“It’s okay, Mommy.”

“No, it’s not…”

“Yes. It is.” Kayla said. “I’ve messed up so many times the last few months and you’ve forgiven me every time. It’s time I returned the favor. Besides, like I said, you thought you had proof and I haven’t given you a reason to think otherwise.”

“And that is where _you’re_ wrong.” Sam said. “You have given us a reason to trust you. Maybe not one hundred percent yet, but you have put forth a lot of effort to do better. And Mommy and I should’ve taken that into consideration. I got to thinking about it while we were looking for you. You haven’t shown any signs that you’ve been slipping since you’ve been here. I should’ve asked you about it and taken you to get a second test rather than breaking my promise to you and confronting you in front of everyone. For that, I’m sorry.”

“You really trust me more than you did?”

“Yes. You’re making some great progress, Kayla bug. And what you just did there? It was very brave. I’m very proud of you.”

“Me too.” Jess echoed.

Kayla pulled away from the table and got between her parents. She vowed to never take their pride in her for granted again.

“That still leaves the issue of running away.” John said.

Annoyed at having their family moment interrupted, Sam sighed again. “Dad…”

“No, Sam. This wasn’t just about Kayla this time. She worried all of us.”

“It’s okay, Daddy. He’s right.” Kayla said. She sat up and turned to John. “I’m sorry, Grandpa. I shouldn’t have run away.”

“You’re right. You shouldn’t have. I understand you were scared, but that does not give you the right to scare the rest of us. Do you understand me, young lady?”

“Yes, sir.”

“No matter what might have happened, I for one am _not _glad you ran away. This is the third time, Kayla. Your third strike. I’m not letting this go.”

“Dad…” Sam started, but Kayla took his hand.

“It’s okay.” She said. “Grandpa’s right. I promised you and I broke it.”

Sam felt his heart burst with pride. Though he may have disagreed with his father that Kayla needed to be punished for this, he was insanely proud of Kayla for owning up to her actions.

“John…” Jess started.

“Jess.” Sam said. “Trust me. And trust Dad. Please.”

Jess looked even more worried than Kayla did, but she nodded her agreement.

“Kayla, come here.”

“Grandpa, please not in front of them.” Kayla pleaded, her voice shaking.

“That’s not your decision. Come here. Now.”

The six inches between Kayla and her grandfather seemed to take forever. The next thing she knew, she was looking at the floor and John’s hard hand was making his displeasure known. Kayla could hear her crying softly beside her, but she was too preoccupied with her own situation to try and make her mother feel any better. Then, just as quickly as it had started, Kayla felt herself being pulled to her feet.

“What…?” Kayla asked. The spanking had definitely been unpleasant, but so short that she hadn’t even started crying. “That’s it?”

“That’s it.” John smiled.

She would wonder later if she had lost all sense asking her next question, but she couldn’t help it.

“Why?”

“Mostly because you came back, not knowing whether or not you were going to be punished for something you didn’t do. Your dad was right. That was incredibly brave of you, and I’m proud of you for it.”

Kayla blushed. Her grandfather doted on her, but his true praise was a rare treat.

“We’re not done talking about this, though.” John stood and walked to the corner of the living room, where a small stool was kept, a remnant of the days years earlier of Sam and Dean being sent to sit in the corner. “Sit down.”

Despite the very short spanking, Kayla unconsciously placed a hand on her bottom and gave John her own version of Sam’s ‘puppy eyes’.

John chuckled. “It didn’t work with your Dad, it won’t work with me. Sit down.”

Kayla took her seat gingerly, and John took both of her hands in his.

“I’m going to ask you some questions, and I’m going to tell you some things. I need you to look at me the entire time. You don’t look at your mom and dad, you don’t look at your feet, nothing. You understand?”

Kayla nodded.

“Answer me. Out loud.” John ordered gently.

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said. “I understand.”

“Okay. First off, that is all the spanking you’re getting for this. This time. But you’re not getting away with it anymore. I don’t care what reason you have. If you run away, and we don’t know where you are, then my belt gets added to the conversation. No excuses, no explanations, nothing. And if you’re back home with your parents, and I find out you ran away, I will get in the car and drive there to do it, even if your parents have punished you too. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

John felt Kayla’s hands starting to shake in his, but he held his ground long enough to get his point across. “You start back to school next week. That is the only place you’ll be going. I will drive you there in the morning, and I will pick you up in the afternoon. You will stay in your room, except to do the chores Bobby and I will give you. No after school activities, no friends, no phone calls except to your mom and dad. Any questions?”

“Just one.” Kayla said. “Can I wait till Mommy and Daddy go home?”

“Yes.” John said. “Yes, we’ll hold off on your grounding until they go home.”

John wondered who he had become. He had never been this flexible with Sam and Dean. _Oh, well, _he thought. _Must be part of being a grandparent._ Besides, he reasoned, Sam and Jess were leaving the next night. He could live with a twenty-four hour delay.

“You’re also writing a letter. Telling us why you ran away and what you should have done instead. You don’t have to write a separate one to all of us, but you will read it over the phone to your parents. And I expect you to apologize to Bobby and Dean when they get back. You also need to go upstairs and wake up your sister. She’s been worried sick about you.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Kayla, listen to me. All of us in this room love you. We are tough on you because we love you. That will never change. Ever. Do you believe me?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do you really?” John asked.

“I believe you.”

“Now tell me something. And tell me the truth. You don’t like yourself too much, do you?”

The tears that hadn’t fallen when she’d been spanked were fighting to come out now. “No, sir.” she whispered.

“Speak up.”

“No, sir. I don’t.” Kayla said louder.

“Kay…”

“Why?” John asked, ignoring Jess’s attempt to reach Kayla and convince her she was wrong. “Tell me why.”

“I just don’t.” Kayla said.

“I need a real answer. You’re not going anywhere until you give me one.” When Kayla glanced at her parents, John was quick to respond. “Do not look away from me. Answer the question.”

“I’ve done so much to all of you.” Kayla finally said.

“And you beat yourself up for it, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said.

“Is that all?” John asked. “No other reason?”

“That’s all.”

“Kayla, I still don’t believe you.” John said. “I think there’s something else going on. But I’m not going to ask what it is, because you’re just going to give me the same answer you’ve been giving me. So I won’t push it. But I want to remind you. You can tell me, you can tell Bobby, Dean, your parents. Anytime you want to talk, we will drop what we’re doing and talk to you. Okay?”

“Okay, Grandpa.”

“And as for beating yourself up? Honey, there is not a person in this family who hasn’t made a mistake. One that hurt everybody they loved. In fact, we all made one today too. We hurt you by not believing you and because of that, we lost you.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Shh. I’m not saying that to yell at you for it. It’s true. If we’d done what we should have done, it never would have happened. Now do you want your parents dwelling on that, even though you’ve forgiven them?”

“No, sir.”

“Then I don’t want you doing the same. You made a mistake. You’re paying for it. And I believe that you’re being genuine when you say you’re sorry. So you go through next week, stay in your room like I told you, and that’s it. Got it?”

“Got it.” Kayla said.

“And I’m sorry too.” John said, placing a hand on Kayla’s damp cheek. “My gut told me something was wrong the second your father said you failed that test. I should’ve stood up for you. I’m sorry I didn’t. As long as you keep up the good behavior and the good work in school, I promise I won’t make that mistake again.”

“I love you, Grandpa.”

“I love you too, little one.” John said, kissing the palm of her hand. “You go upstairs and shower and get into some clean pajamas.”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said. “Is there any dinner? I’m really hungry.”

“I think we can handle that.” Sam said. “What do you want?”

“Pizza?”

“Deal.” Sam said.

Kayla stood up and, after a hug and a kiss for her mom, dad, and grandfather, started to head upstairs. Sam grabbed her hand and pulled her to him for another hug. He whispered earnestly in her ear.

“I meant what I said. I am very proud of you. We’ve been through some tough stuff, but you make me proud to be your Daddy.”

“That goes for me too.” Jess said.

For a few brief seconds, Kayla’s search for peace was over. She expected the voice to come back, berate her for being stupid enough to be happy, but it didn’t. So she went upstairs, showered and changed, and came back downstairs. All was well for tonight.


	37. Chapter 37

Depending on the day, four in the morning was Sam's favorite time. Jess was an early riser, but even she wasn't up that early. When Sam did wake up before dawn, he would usually work on making some breakfast for Jess and Mary and…Sam stopped when he grabbed a fourth plate. The memory of the day before was still causing him painful guilt.

Thanksgiving was approaching. It was Kayla's favorite holiday, and she'd been dying to know when he, Jess, and Mary were coming to celebrate. She'd begged him not to have Thanksgiving at home, to wait until they were all together. Sam felt terrible about it, but he'd invited two potential clients over for dinner Thanksgiving night. Their business would have meant an almost doubling of Sam's income practically immediately. Kayla had called back twice more that week, Tuesday night and Wednesday night, wondering whether or not he and Jess could come on different days. The fourth day Kayla had called, yesterday, Sam had been at work. He'd just gotten back from court, where he'd lost a major case. Kayla had started off,

"Hi, Daddy. I was just wondering…"

Sam had regretted what came out of his mouth the second it was out. "Kayla, enough! I don't know when we're coming, and if you ask again, we aren't. If you call back again, Thanksgiving is off. It's not all about you, you know."

Kayla had sputtered. "Oh. Um, sorry, Daddy."

"Kayla, honey, I'm sorry…"

"I gotta go." Kayla had said, and Sam was certain he'd heard her voice rise like she was holding back tears.

"Kayla…"

She'd hung up the phone, and suddenly Sam's lost case didn't matter anymore. Before he could call back and apologize, though, John had called. For the first time in a long time, he'd ripped into Sam.

"Kayla's been working not one, but two different after school jobs. She's been saving money and buying groceries with it. She's been practicing in the kitchen every night for nearly a month now trying to make sure she knows exactly how to make everyone's favorite dish. Spaghetti and meatballs for Mary. Grilled salmon for you. Pie for Dean. Homemade red velvet cupcakes for Jess. She was going to make everyone's favorite foods for Thanksgiving."

"Dad…"

"I am not anywhere close to done, Sam." John had snapped. "I told her I'd get the groceries for her and help her cook, but she said she had to do it herself. It didn't mean the same if I did it for her. When I asked her why she didn't get any pork chops for herself for Thanksgiving, she said she wanted to make everyone else happy first. That child hasn't thought about herself in weeks. And now she's up in her room crying because she thinks this means nothing."

"Will you tell her…?"

"I won't tell her a damn thing. I really resent having to ruin her surprise, when I kept you and Jess and Mary coming to see her for her birthday a secret, even though she was miserable about it all week. She was disappointed when you said you couldn't come Thanksgiving Day, Sam, but she took it like a champ. She was just trying to see when she would be able to do it. So if you can't come next Thursday that's fine. But I better see all of you at some point before the end of the month, and you better have the good sense to look surprised when you get here. Is that understood?" John had said, his voice rising steadily as he spoke.

"Yes, sir." Sam replied.

"Sam, I really hope you didn't just set her back." John had said, before hanging up the phone.

That _had _been the plan. Sam had apologized to Kayla, and promised they'd be there the Sunday following Thanksgiving. Kayla readily forgave him, and Sam wished he could see the smile she had when he said they'd be there. But that morning, Saturday morning, Sam still felt bad about calling her selfish. He wanted to call Kayla and talk to her, but it was the middle of the night. He decided instead to go to her room.

He and Jess had kept Kayla's room exactly as she'd left it. Her bed was unmade, the comforter pulled back and in a jumble on the bed. Her pictures were still laying around. Her books and art supplies were on her desk. Her posters were on the wall, of the cartoons she'd liked to watch when she was younger. Even the letter he'd written Kayla months earlier, when they'd fought over Sam reading her journal, was still on top of her desk, ripped into shreds. The only thing that had changed was Kayla's clothes. Jess had washed all of Kayla's clothes, dirty and clean, folded them and put them away.

"I need to do it, Sam. I need to feel like I'm still taking care of her somehow."

Mary's stuffed Snuffleupagus toy was still in Kayla's bed. Sam smiled and picked it up. "Snuffle" had been given to Kayla on her first birthday, then passed to Mary on her first birthday by Kayla's own choice. Snuffle had been loved, cried on, peed on, thrown up on, spit up on, had food dropped on him, and washed what probably amounted to hundreds of time. He'd slept with Sam anytime Kayla had, comforting her through bad dreams and illnesses and hurt feelings and broken hearts. Sam pretended to not care about Snuffle, but the truth was, he loved Snuffle almost as much as the two girls did.

As Sam put Snuffle back on Kayla's bed, his fingers brushed against something under Kayla's sheet. He moved his hand against the sheet and felt something hard but somewhat flexible under there. Curious, Sam lifted the sheet and found a wire bound notebook labeled 'Kayla Ellen Winchester-Grade 2 journal'.

"The hell?" Sam said to himself.

Sam opened the journal, and at first, he thought it was cute. It was exactly what it looked like-Kayla's second grade journal, with entries along the lines of 'what I like to eat' and 'my favorite subject in school'.

Then he discovered something troubling. There were entries that were much older than second grade. There were some from the year before. It seemed Kayla had dug the journal out of Sam and Jess's closet to hide these new entries. Sam normally wouldn't have kept reading. He believed in privacy, no matter how old or young someone was. But his intuition went into overdrive. _Keep reading_, a voice said in the back of his mind. A story unfolded that sickened Sam to his core.

The first entry had been written a month to the day after Kayla's thirteenth birthday. Sam remembered the day well. It was a Saturday, and Sam and Jess wanted to go to the grocery store to get some ingredients for dinner. Kayla had made a polite stand the few days before the grocery store trip that she should be able to stay at home by herself. Her points, Sam hated to admit, were valid. She was thirteen, responsible, and could handle herself for an hour alone. After a quick discussion with Jess, they'd decided to give her a shot. Sam had to reread the entry a total of six times before he could fully comprehend the ramifications of what he was seeing.

_I'm not a virgin anymore._

_Mommy and Daddy left yesterday, just to go to the grocery store. I figured out they were only gone for fifty-two minutes total, but it sure felt like a lot longer than that._

_I was so stupid. Daddy told me not to open the front door for any reason. They'd been gone for ten minutes when he knocked at the door. I should've just pretended like I wasn't there. But I didn't. I went to the door and talked to him. He said he had papers from work Daddy needed to sign. I told him to leave them in the mailbox and Daddy would get them when he got home._

_What was I thinking telling him I was home alone?_

_I waited about five more minutes and I stuck my hand outside to grab the papers. When I did, he grabbed my arm and shoved me back inside. I tried to run up the stairs but he grabbed me and pulled me to him, shut and locked the door, then dragged me to the kitchen. The next few minutes are black. The next thing I remember is him pulling up his pants, telling me not to tell a soul, then walking out and locking the door behind him._

_I've never been that scared or been in that much pain. I pushed myself up and sat against the cabinet under the sink. I couldn't stop crying, and I was shaking so hard I could feel the cabinets shaking too. I heard the car pull up in the driveway, and I knew I couldn't tell them what happened. I got up, grabbed two pieces of bread and the jar of peanut butter, threw them on the counter, then cut my finger._

_I haven't slept at all. It's been a whole day, and I haven't slept since the night before last. What do I do?_

Puzzle pieces started falling into place. Quickly and clearly. Sam would later be surprised by how detached he seemed to be, but he was grateful for it. It was the only way he could function enough to finish reading.

Art had hurt Kayla. Willingly and often. And every time he'd hurt her, Kayla had buried it. Her lack of sleep, her constant crying, her mood swings, her nightmares, her falling grades, her drinking and drug use-all of it had tied back to Art.

As Sam finished reading the journal, which only had a total of fourteen entries, the guilt started to build. With every entry, Sam was ready to attack himself for being so clueless and stupid. He'd felt guilty before, but that was nothing compared to the aching in his chest as he thought about what he'd done to Kayla.

What _he'd_ done to Kayla. Not what Art had done, which was bad enough. But what he'd done. Kayla had asked him, over and over and over again, not to leave her alone with him. Sam had ignored her, tried to placate her, then finally made her feel guilty for not being nicer to Art.

_Good going, you dumbass. You yelled at your kid for not being nicer to her rapist. Ace parenting, bucko._

Sam shook his head to get the voice out. Now was not the time for self-doubt. He had to get to Kayla. He grabbed his overnight bag and then remembered something.

Jess.

He had to tell Jess.

It was the first moment of indecision he'd had. He knew that Jess needed to know, but he also knew that if he told her now, she'd panic. Jess panicking would make Mary panic. So Sam picked up his phone and dialed Dean's number. Dean had arrived the night before and told Sam he was going to his apartment to crash for a few hours before heading out on another hunt.

"What the hell, Sam? It's not even five in the morning!"

"Dean, listen, I need you get over here. Now."

Dean immediately straightened up in bed at Sam's tone. He was panicking. Sam had been a little prone to panic when they were younger, but somehow having Kayla and Mary had heightened his threshold for what truly constituted a panic worthy situation. Dean had been amazed a few years earlier, a few months before Leslie died, when Kayla had fallen out of a tree at John's and Sam had swiftly taken care of the situation. He'd rushed out to Kayla, examined her for injuries even through all of the normally stoic Kayla's tears, taken her to the hospital, and kept his cool as she got a cast on her wrist, all without breaking a sweat.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't…I can't say it over the phone. I want to tell you and Jess at the same time. Please, Dean, don't ask any questions yet. Just get here as soon as you can."

"Okay. I'm on the way."

"And Dean? Get somebody else to take that hunt. I'm gonna need you for a couple days at least."

"You got it."

The wait for Dean seemed to take forever. When Dean pulled up, Sam opened the door and held a finger to his lips. As he closed the door behind him, Dean asked,

"What the hell is going on?"

"Just sit down. I got to get Jess up. I'll tell you both together."

Five minutes later, a sleepy Jess was sitting on the couch next to Dean. She had tried to start a pot of coffee, but Sam refused.

"What's going on, Sam?"

Sam swallowed. Now that he was face to face with telling Jess and Dean about Kayla, he was choking.

"Sam? You're the one that dragged us out of the bed. What's going on?" Jess asked again.

"I, um, I was sitting in Kayla's room this morning and I found this under her sheet." Sam pulled out the journal and held it in front of him.

"Her second grade journal? She had it in her room?" Jess asked.

"Yeah. She, um, made some new entries and wanted to hide them from us."

"What, like after the fight about reading her journal?" Jess asked. "Okay. Was that really worth dragging us out of bed for?"

_If you can't even say it, how do you expect to tell them? Or help Kayla with this? _Sam thought to himself. He cleared his throat and opened the journal to the first entry from the year before. "Dean, read this."

"Sam…"

"Just read it." Sam said. "You read this and I'm gonna tell Jess what it says."

"Okay." Dean took the journal from Sam and started reading.

"Sam, what?" Jess was finally wide awake when she noticed how distressed Sam was.

Sam took a seat next to Jess and took her hand. "Kayla was hurt, Jess."

"Hurt? Is she okay?"

"Right now, yes. I don't mean she's hurt now. I mean she was."

"Just say it, Sam!" An impatient Jess almost shouted.

"Shh. Mary's still asleep."

"Just say it, Sam." Jess repeated. "Is she okay or not?"

"It was Art. Art hurt Kayla a few times."

"What do you mean he hurt her, Sam? What do you mean _exactly_?"

"I will kill this son of a bitch!" Dean said, putting down the journal and pacing around the living room.

"Give me that."

"Jess, no…" Sam said, only to be shoved away when Sam tried to take the journal.

"Oh, my baby." Jess whispered. She couldn't finish and handed Sam the journal after the second entry. "Oh…"

"Jess. Listen to me. We cannot panic right now."

"Sam, he…."

"I know. I know what he did. Okay? But we need to get to Kayla, and we need to talk to her about this. We need to be calm right now."

"Okay. You're right."

"Dean, I want you to keep Mary for a day or two."

"We're not bringing her with us?" Jess asked. "Kayla's gonna want to see her."

"And she'll come. Dean can come behind us the day after tomorrow. But we need to focus on Kayla right now. Dean, is that okay with you?"

"I'd rather deal with this asshole…"

"We will. But Kayla comes first. We get her squared away. Agreed? Both of you?"

"Mommy?"

Jess jumped on the couch. For a brief moment, she thought it was a younger Kayla reaching out for her. But it was Mary, who had woken up at the sound of her parents and uncle Dean talking. Jess quickly put on what Sam called her best 'everything's okay' voice and pulled Mary into her lap. "Hey, baby. What are you doing up?"

"Heard uncle Dean get mad. It waked me up."

Dean exhaled hard and pushed out the rage he was feeling as much as he could. "Sorry, kiddo."

"Listen, Mary. Mommy and I have to go see Kayla for a couple days."

Mary immediately perked up. "We going to see Kay'a?"

"No, honey. Mommy and I are gonna go."

"How comes I can't go?" Mary protested.

"Mary, listen." Jess pulled Mary a bit tighter for a hug. "We have to go see Kayla alone for a little bit because she's not feeling too good. You know how we make you lay in bed and be quiet when you're sick?"

"Yeah."

"We just want to give Kayla a little quiet time. Then, when she's feeling better, uncle Dean'll bring you up and you can see her. Okay?"

"Will you tells her I love her? And let me talk to her after you gets there?"

"If she's feeling up to it, I promise we will."

"Okay, Mommy."

"Okay. Can you help Mommy pack a bag?"

An hour later, Sam and Jess were at the airport, using every current penny they had to buy two plane tickets to South Dakota. Three hours later, the plane was taking off and the two and a half hour flight had never seemed to take so long. Being forced to sit down and be calm made the shock fade away for Jess, who was crying softly into Sam's shoulder an hour into the flight. Sam comforted her as best he could, even though his own heart was in pieces.

The guilt was strong. He had seen Art as his only true friend that he'd ever made outside of hunting. He'd loved Leslie, but she was a mother to him when he didn't have one. He loved all his family friends-Jim Murphy, Bobby, Caleb, Rufus Turner, and more. He had no doubt they would all be there for him if he called. But Art was the first real, sustained friendship he'd ever had in his normal life. He'd allowed Art around what he the most precious, and Art had taken that absolute trust and twisted it.

Never again, Sam decided.

No one that Sam didn't absolutely trust would be allowed near his girls or Jess again. He knew it might not be sustainable, but he'd do his damnedest to keep his family safe, even if it made them hate him.

The plane started to land and Jess was collecting herself. When it was on the tarmac, Sam turned to Jess and reminded her gently,

"We have to be calm. We can't freak out about this in front of her."

Jess nodded. "I know."

"Are you okay to do this now? We can wait a minute before we go."

"No. I'm fine, let's go."

"Okay. I didn't call Dad or Bobby because I didn't want them making Kayla suspicious that something was going on. We'll have to rent a car."

"We spent everything we had…"

"I brought the emergency credit card." Sam said.

Jess nodded again. "Good. And Sam?"

"What?"

"She comes home. Now. We apologize until we're out of breath, and we'll stay a few days, but she comes back with us."

"Agreed."

Sam rented a car, and he sped towards the house at breakneck speed. He was surprised, but eternally grateful, when he didn't get stopped. It was almost dinnertime when he pulled the car into the driveway and headed inside. Kayla was on the couch in the living room, reading a book for school. Kayla had barely even digested the fact that her parents were there when Jess sat on the couch next to her, grabbed the book and put it on the coffee table in front of them, and embraced Kayla in a suffocating hug.

"Mommy? Daddy? What are you guys doing here?"

Sam took a seat on the other side of Kayla, fighting to keep the tears from flowing freely like he wanted them to. Kayla noticed straight away how scared her father seemed to be.

"What's wrong? Is Mary okay?"

"Mary's fine. We need to ask you something, and we need you to tell us the truth."

"Okay…"

Sam took a deep breath, and it was in that moment that Bobby and John came in from ep kitchen and joined them. Sam braced himself for the answer he'd been dreading all day.

"Baby, did uncle Art hurt you?"

"Sam, what are you talking about?" John asked.

Not taking his eyes off Kayla, Sam continued. "I found the journal under your sheet. Baby, please, tell us. Is it true?"


	38. Chapter 38

**I want to say something. Some unfortunate news popped up this past weekend about Jared Padalecki. I won't say exactly what happened, since all the details aren't clear and it's easy enough to Google it, but I'll say this. If the news stories are true, it was a lapse in judgment from someone who is normally a stellar role model. It doesn't affect the way I see him as a person. We're all human, and we all make stupid mistakes. That's all I'll say on that.**

Kayla panicked. Her carefully guarded secret was out now. She felt Bobby and John and Sam and Jess all looking at her, waiting for her answer to Sam’s question, and her brain went into overdrive. _They can’t know. They’ll leave and you’ll never see them again. Lie._

“Is it true, babe?” Jess asked. “We need to know the truth.”

“No.” Kayla said. “No, it’s not true.”

“Kayla…”

“It’s not true.” Kayla said again, but she started shaking and all could tell she was lying. “It’s not true.”

“Kayla.”

John’s commanding yet surprisingly gentle voice immediately stilled Kayla’s coming panic attack. She expected him to be angry, to start yelling at her, and, what she dreaded most of all, call her every name that she already called herself in her head. But all she saw when John took a seat on the other side of her was a sincere, honest desire to keep her safe. It was a startling difference from the usual stern, no nonsense demeanor he usually carried, and it was enough to break Kayla’s pattern of panic and denial.

“Answer your father. Did he hurt you?”

Kayla closed her eyes before answering. When she opened them back up, she whispered, “It’s my fault.”

“What?”

“It’s my fault.” Kayla said with a sob.

“Kayla, no. No, honey. It is not your fault.” Sam said.

“Yes, it is!” Kayla insisted. “You told me not to open that door, and I didn’t listen. It’s my fault.”

“Kayla, stop.” John said. He kept his voice even and steady, but just firm enough that Kayla listened to him. “It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry, Daddy, I’m so sorry.”

“Kayla, honey, it’s not your fault.” Jess repeated. “This isn’t on you.”

“I tried to fight him. I tried so hard, but he was too strong…”

John recognized a flashback when he saw one. Kayla was shaking from head to toe. She had closed her eyes again, and drawn her hands into tight fists. Sam looked lost, guilty, and sick, so John reached out and placed a hand on one of Kayla’s fists. She snapped out of the flashback, and after giving her a few moments to reorient herself, John said it again.

“It is not your fault. Say it back to me.”

“No, sir.” Kayla refused. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t believe it.” Kayla said.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. The longer you hold on to believing that it is, the longer it will take you to heal.”

“Grandpa, I can’t help it.” Kayla said.

“I know. Believe me, honey, I know. I’ve not been through what you’ve been through, but I understand feeling guilty. Feeling like things are your fault. _He_ hurt _you_. That’s all there is to this. So say it back to me. It’s not your fault.”

Kayla swallowed, and the words were thick coming out of her mouth. “It’s not my fault.”

“Say it again.”

“It’s not my fault.” Kayla said, more clearly this time.

“One more.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Good.” John said. “You’re a good girl, Kayla.”

“No, I’m not.” Kayla said.

“You are. One day, you’ll see that again. I promise.”

Kayla’s eyes widened and she turned to her parents again. “Where’s Mary?”

“She’s at home. Uncle Dean’ll bring her tomorrow.”

“I didn’t tell you two because he said if I did he’d hurt one of you. He said…” Despite her big secret already being out, Kayla still found it hard to talk about.

“He said what?”

“He said he’d hurt Mary.” Kayla said.

“Mary’s safe.” Jess assured Kayla. “I promise Mary’s safe. You can talk to her if you want.”

“We’ve got to keep her safe, Mommy. Now that you guys know…”

_Like I should have kept you safe_, Sam thought to himself. He grabbed Kayla’s face gently and turned it around to face him. “Nothing will happen to your sister. Or you. I swear to you, all of us are going to keep you safe.”

“You promise?”

“Yes. All of us do.”

Kayla started shaking hard.

“Kay? Honey?” Jess asked. “Take a breath, baby.”

“You don’t hate me?”

The question shattered the hearts of everyone in the room. “No, honey. We could never hate you. Not for anything.”

“Is that what you were afraid of? That if you told us we’d hate you?” Sam asked.

Kayla nodded. “Yes,” she answered shakily.

“We love you. All of us. More than you know.”

Kayla didn’t respond, just buried herself in her father’s side and wept, falling into an exhausted sleep. The months of battling her dark secret were over and she was tired. She dreamt again of her mom and dad, leading her down the sidewalk and making her laugh. Only this time, when the dark cloud appeared, they set her down on the ground behind them and protected her from it. When the cloud was gone, they turned around and picked her back up, swearing that they’d love her forever and would always be there for her.

When Kayla woke up the first time, someone had carried her to bed and tucked her in. She heard the sound of arguing voices down the hall. Her father was saying something about taking Kayla to a doctor, while her grandfather said she needed to sleep first. Kayla closed her eyes and went right back to sleep. When she woke up the second time, she saw Sam sleeping in a chair next to her bed and Jess was sleeping next to her. Unable to get back to sleep, Kayla shook her mother awake.

“Mommy.”

Jess woke almost instantly. “Hey. What are you doing up?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Sam.” Jess called, and Sam stirred awake instantly.

“I’m not surprised.” Sam said. He checked his watch and commented, “It’s almost six in the morning. You’ve been asleep for thirteen hours.”

“Do you remember when I was little and couldn’t sleep? What you’d do to help me?”

“I do.” Sam said. “You need that now?”

“Yes, please.”

With no hesitation, Sam walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. Jess stood up to make room, and Sam turned so that he was sitting against the headboard. He pulled Kayla up so that she was lying against his chest and listening to his heart beat.

“How’s that?”

“Mmmm.” Kayla cooed in response. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“You okay enough to talk?”

Kayla squirmed. “Talk about what exactly?”

“Anything you want.” Sam said.

Kayla sighed. “Sure. I have to tell you something else.”

“What?”

“I lied to you.”

Sam’s breath caught in his throat. _Surely she didn’t_…? “About what?”

“Why I didn’t tell you and mommy.” Kayla said. “He did say he’d hurt Mary if I did, but that wasn’t the real reason I didn’t say anything.”

“If that wasn’t why you didn’t tell us, why didn’t you?” Jess asked.

“I didn’t want you to feel like this was your fault. I didn’t want you two carrying this around too.”

“Babe, listen to me.” Sam said gently. “I know you were trying to protect us. But that’s not your job.”

“I know I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”

“No, let me finish. I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty. You’re not in trouble for it. My point is this. That’s what family’s for. To help you carry stuff like this that’s too big to carry on your own. Does that make sense?”

“It does.” Kayla said simply. They sat in silence for another few minutes, before Kayla asked, “Do you guys still want me to come home?”

“Of course you’re coming home.” Sam said.

“When school’s out, right?”

Sam was surprised. “Honey, you’re coming back whenever mommy and I go back.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?” Sam asked.

“I still did all that bad stuff.” Kayla said.

“Yeah, but you did that because you were hurting, right?” Sam asked. Kayla nodded, and Sam said, “Well, we can get you some help now. You do want to come back home, right?”

“Yeah.”

“We can talk more about it later.” Jess suggested. “You must be starving. You missed dinner last night.”

As if on cue, Kayla’s stomach started to growl. “I guess I am.”

Sam cleared his throat. “I want to say something first. Jess, if you disagree, stop me.” Jess nodded, and Sam continued. “Baby, I’m sorry we sent you away. We were so worried that you were gonna get hurt or killed with everything you were doing. I thought maybe grandpa would do a better job keeping you safe. I was scared we’d lost you if we didn’t do something.” Sam said. “You must have thought we didn’t care about you, and we’re so sorry for that…”

“I did at first. But I get it now. It’s okay, Daddy.” Kayla said. “Do you remember asking me about going to a doctor?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Do you really think that’ll help?” Kayla asked.

“Yes.” Sam said. “I do.”

“I promise I’ll think about it.”

“You also need to have a checkup.” Sam said. “That’s not an option.”

“Yes, sir.” Kayla said.

“You won’t be alone. Mommy’ll go with you.”

“That’s right.” Jess promised.

“You too, right?” Kayla asked. “Daddy?”

“If you want me to.” Sam said.

“Please.” Kayla said. “I don’t like being alone.”

“Okay.” Sam heard a grumbling noise and realized that it was coming from Kayla. “You hungry?”

“Yes. But I don’t want to get up.”

“Me neither. But it’s time to face the day.” Sam said.

Kayla giggled, a sound that seemed to invigorate Sam and Jess’s soul. He’d always told Kayla that it was time to ‘face the day’ when she said she didn’t want to get up. That was nearly always followed by him tickling her if she didn’t get up. When Kayla didn’t move, Sam crooked his fingers and smiled.

“You getting up?”

Kayla giggled again. “No.”

“You sure?”

“No.”

“Okay. You asked for it.”

Laughing was strange for both of them, but they did get up and start moving. Kayla was given a clean bill of health, and she agreed to start seeing a counselor. Dean, Bobby, and John worked on tracking down Art, and kept to themselves exactly what they were planning to do.

Mary arrived the next day. Sam and Jess stayed a few days, planning to leave after Kayla’s surprise Thanksgiving. Kayla became quiet again, and Sam worried she was slipping into depression. Gentle prodding only led to answers of “I’m fine” and “I’m just tired”. Finally, Wednesday night, Kayla convinced Dean to take Mary out for a few minutes so she could talk to her parents. Kayla walked into the kitchen to find her mom and dad at the table, having a cup of coffee and whispering in each other’s ear.

“Hey!” Jess said.

“Hi.” Kayla said quietly.

“Honey, are you _sure_ you don’t want me to help tomorrow?” Jess asked.

“I’m sure, mommy.” Kayla said. “I want to do it.”

“Okay.” Jess said with a pretend annoyed huff. “Fine.”

Despite the seriousness of what she had to say, Kayla smiled. “I wanted to talk to you guys about something else. Two things, actually. But I’m afraid it’ll hurt your feelings.”

“Honey, what is it?” Sam asked.

Kayla took a deep breath before she admitted, “I don’t want to go home yet.”

“What?” Jess asked. “I thought…”

“It’s not because I’m mad at you guys.” Kayla assured Jess. “I do get why you did it. But it’s just…I love my school here. I’ve made a lot of friends, and I don’t want to just leave. And I feel…I feel safe here.”

“You don’t feel safe at home with us?” Sam asked.

“It’s not you guys. When I was at home, I felt like I always had to be on guard. Like Art might come back. I don’t feel that way here.” Kayla explained. “I sleep better. And I’m not so scared all the time. Please? Just let me stay till the end of the school year?”

Sam was suddenly hit with inspiration. “Let me and mommy talk about it. We’ll give you an answer later tonight.”

“Sam…” Jess said, confused. She didn’t like it, but she was willing to let Kayla stay if it meant a better recovery for her.

“We’ll talk about it.” Sam said, taking Jess’s hand and squeezing it. _Trust me._

Jess nodded. “Okay. Daddy and I will talk about it. What was the second thing?”

“Um…it’s okay. Never mind about that.”

“Kay. Please tell us.” Sam said.

Kayla swallowed. “I want to talk to Mary.”

“Talk to her about what?”

“About Art.”

“Honey, she’s only five…” Sam said.

“Just listen to me. Please.” Kayla begged, and Sam and Jess leaned back to listen. “I won’t give her details. I just want to tell her that Art hurt me and that’s why I changed so much. And I want to tell her…”

“Tell her what?” Sam asked.

“I want to say it, but it’ll hurt your feelings.”

“Just say it, Bug. We can’t deal with it if we don’t talk about it.”

Kayla took a breath and explained, “I feel like, maybe, if I’d known ahead of time that you guys would believe me and that it wouldn’t have made you hate me, I might’ve told you sooner.” When her parents both were struck with immense guilt about Kayla’s statement, she clarified, “Look, I’m not blaming you. I don’t blame you. But…ugh, you guys just don’t get it.”

“Explain it to us.” Jess said.

“He got to me. He got under my skin. He really made me think that it was my fault and that you guys wouldn’t want me anymore if you knew.”

“I get you want to talk to Mary. And I get why. Your mom and I just want to understand what exactly you want to tell her.”

“I want to tell her that Art hurt me. I want to ask her if any grownup’s ever made her feel uncomfortable or done something with her and told her not to tell anyone. I want to tell her that if it ever does happen, to tell one of us right then, even if she’s told not to. That we’ll always believe her, and we’ll love her no matter what.”

Sam and Jess both took a look at each other. Kayla as an adult would call it their ‘talk without talking’ look. Without saying a word, they nodded at each other and turned back to Kayla. “Okay. We’ll let you talk to her.”

“I want you guys there too.” Kayla said. “Just in case I can’t do it.” 

“We’ll be there. Let me and Mommy talk about you staying here. Okay?”

Kayla fully expected them to say no. Dean came back with Mary, and Sam and Jess took her with them somewhere. The only explanation they gave was _we’re getting you your own surprise_. Kayla double checked she had everything she needed for dinner the next day while they were gone, and she wasn’t prepared for what her parents had to tell her when they got back that night.

“Well, sweetie, we want to ask you something.” Jess said.

“Okay.” Kayla held an excited Mary in her lap, who had to be reminded by her father to keep quiet and let mommy and daddy tell Kayla what was going on. 

“You’ve seen the house at the end of the street for sale, right?” Sam asked. “The white one with the yellow shutters?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, mommy and I were wondering how you felt about us buying it.” Sam asked.

“You mean…” Kayla was stunned.

“We’re moving here with you, Sissy!” Mary said excitedly. She then put both hands on her mouth. “Oops. Sorry, Daddy.”

“It’s okay.” Sam said. “So what do you think sweetie?”

“You’re moving back? To be with me?” Kayla asked. “Really?”

“If you want us to.” Jess said.

“What about your job?” Kayla asked. “We moved because your job was so much better there. I don’t want you to give that up.”

“My job means nothing compared to you. Mommy and I will figure it out. Do you want us to come back?” Sam asked. “What do you think?”

Kayla said nothing.

“It’ll still be a few weeks before we can come back.” Sam said, worried that her silence meant the answer was no. “I have to give my notice at work and we’d have to pack the house…”

“Yes.” Kayla said. “Yes. I want you to do it.”

“Sissy, what’s wrong?” Mary asked. “You’re crying.”

“Nothing.” Kayla said. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“She’s happy, baby.” Jess explained. “Right?”

Kayla nodded in confirmation.

“You crying ‘cause you happy?” Mary asked. “Big kids is weird.”

Kayla laughed and squeezed Mary. “We’re back together.”

“Yeah.” Sam said sadly. “Listen. Mommy and I want to tell you we’re sorry again.”

“Daddy, don’t…”

“Just listen.” Sam said. “We’re sorry. We never should have sent you away. Not for any reason. And we promise it’ll never, ever happen again. No matter what, you will _always_ have a home with us.”

“Even if…” Kayla started to ask about the pact they’d made concerning Kayla’s drug tests.

“Always.” Sam said firmly. “No matter what.”

“Kay?” Jess asked. “Do you want to have that talk with Mary now?”

“Talk about what?” Mary asked.

Kayla squeezed Mary and took a deep breath. “Mary, do you remember Daddy’s friend Art? The one that babysat us a few times?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, after you went to bed those nights, Art would come into my room and hurt me.”

“Hurt you? How?”

“You’ll find that out when you’re older, Mary.” Jess said. “Just listen to what your sister has to say, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Mary, I need to ask you a question. Has anybody ever touched you or hurt you and told you not to tell anybody about it?”

“No.”

“You’re sure? Think really hard. Anything at all that made you feel uncomfortable, or like it shouldn’t be happening.”

“No. There’s nothing.” Mary said. “Did Art tell you not to say nothing?”

“Yeah. He did. He told me not to tell Mommy and Daddy and I didn’t. Because he told me if I did, that he’d hurt you too.”

“You was trying to protect me?”

“Yeah. I was.”

“You crying.” Mary said, reaching up and wiping a tear away from Kayla’s face. “Are you still hurt?”

Kayla swallowed. “It hurts in here now. And up here.” Kayla pointed to her heart and then her head. “But now that Mommy and Daddy know, they’re getting me some help so maybe it won’t hurt as much.”

“I’ll helps you too. Just tell me when you need me and I’ll gives you hugs.”

“That’ll help a whole lot. Thank you.” Kayla kissed Mary’s cheek. “But I want you to promise me something. Me and Mommy and Daddy.”

“What?”

“That if anything ever does happen to you, even if it doesn’t seem important, you’ll tell us. Even if whoever hurts you or makes you feel bad tells you not to tell anyone or that they’ll hurt one of us if you do. Promise me you won’t keep it from us. You’ll tell Mommy, or Daddy, or even me.”

“I promise.”

“We’ll always, always believe you. And all of us will always love you, no matter what. Okay?”

“Okay.” Mary said. “I promise.”

“Well, I don’t know what’s going on in here, but I’m ready for some pie.”

Kayla laughed. Dean had come back from wherever he’d gone the hour before. “Uncle Dean, Thanksgiving’s not ‘till tomorrow.”

Dean fake pouted. “No pie?”

“Not yet. We’ll have some tomorrow. Promise.”

“Okkkayyy.” Dean said. “Ice cream?”

“That we’ve got. Mommy, Daddy? Is it okay?”

“I guess.” Jess said. “You coming, babe?”

“I need to talk to you about something first, Sam.” Dean said.

“Go on. I’ll be right there.” Sam said. When Jess was in the kitchen with the two excited girls, Sam asked, “Did you find him?”

“Yep. We got the bastard in the trunk of the Impala. How do you want to handle this?”


	39. Chapter 39

**A/N: This is the chapter where the Winchesters finally deal with Art. I kept that part pretty much the same, since I was pretty proud of it the first time around. Sam confronts Art but doesn’t actually participate in killing him, deciding it’s more important to be there for Kayla. Jess doesn’t go at all, keeping Mary and Kayla distracted at the house while the Winchester men deal with the scumbag. **

**I have extended the scene to include that night. I had a friend that’s reading this ask me why Sam didn’t insist on going to the police. I left that part vague, but I feel like he’d know at that point that they were going to kill Art rather than report him, so he wouldn’t have bothered. There is a little bit of a sketchy ethical situation here. Kayla asks Sam and Jess why they haven’t gone to the police, and her parents lie to her and tell her that Art killed himself. I feel it was the right thing for them to do, since it gave Kayla at least a little piece of mind that Art can’t come back and hurt her, but you can form your own opinion on that. **

**The next chapter is the Thanksgiving one, then I’m planning to insert the two chapters from The Ghost of Christmas Now, where Sam goes back in time and sees Kayla going through various struggles in the year before. After that, I’m planning to write a chapter where Kayla’s at a counselling session and brings her parents to talk some things through with them. Stay tuned!**

“Take him somewhere he won’t be found. You and me eat ice cream with the girls, then we’ll deal with Art after Kayla and Mary are in bed.” Sam said.

“The hell you will.” Jess said from the kitchen.

She walked over to the two of them and led them into the hallway, further away from the two giggling girls. Kayla was heard telling Mary they’d ‘have something even better than turkey’ for Thanksgiving and Mary replied back with ‘nuh-uh!’. Jess whispered low to Sam and Dean.

“Sam told me everything two nights ago after the girls went to sleep.”

“Told you…” Dean asked.

“Everything. Monsters, demons, vampires, all of it.” Jess said. “I’m fine with all of that. I might not have been before now, but now I know there’s something worse.”

“Wow.” Dean said with a smile. “You married a hell of a woman, Sam.”

“Dean, listen to me. I’m trusting you here. I want to tear that son of a bitch limb from limb. But Kayla needs me more than I hate him. I want him gone.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Dean said.

“Right now, you go in the kitchen, eat ice cream with the girls. Both of you. After they’re done, I’ll tell the girls we’re having a girls night in, and that Daddy’ll be back to tuck them both in bed. Deal?”

“Deal.” Dean said. “I’ll go tell Dad and Bobby the plan.”

When Dean closed the front door, Jess turned back to Sam and found him grinning. “What?”

“You’re such a sexy angry mom.” Sam said.

“You don’t kill this bastard tonight,” Jess said seriously, “you find out exactly what the meaning of ‘angry mom’ is.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You _do _kill this bastard tonight,” Jess said, returning Sam’s grin as she placed a finger on his chest and closed the distance between them, “and you get to find out exactly what ‘sexy angry mom’ is.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Sam jumped. He’d been so caught up in flirting with Jess he hadn’t seen the front door open again. Dean was grinning suggestively towards Jess. But before anyone could respond, Jess started to giggle frantically.

“What?” Sam asked.

Jess pointed to the living room, where Kayla was holding a grinning Mary on her hip. Her hands were a mix of golden, red, black, and dark brown, while there was a definite white around her lips.

“She couldn’t decide which syrup she wanted, so she got all of them.”

“All of them?” Sam asked.

“Chocolate, caramel, strawberry.” Kayla said.

Jess, unable to say anything through her laughs, simply waved them back towards the kitchen. An hour later, Sam and Dean were leaving, and Jess was keeping both girls occupied with a movie inside the living room.

Arthur Lindstrom had always figured his life would end like this. He’d either be caught and go to jail or he’d be caught by some relative of a victim and be killed by them. Getting taken from work and driven across the country was a bit of a surprise, though.

He’d been tied up for the better part of a day. There was a hood over his head, with only a single hole in it to let in air. He had no idea where he was, and he was hot, hungry, and, though he’d never admit it, he was afraid. He’d tried fighting a couple of times, only to be kneed in the stomach and told by a gruff voice to ‘quit squirmin’ before I do to you what you did to that little girl’. Art had almost answered _which one?_ but his survival instinct made him shut up.

Finally, the hood was removed. The first thing he saw was that there were four men in the room with him. One of them, who looked to be the oldest of the group, held a shotgun in his hands. Another of them, a few years younger than the shotgun wielding one, simply had his arms folded against his chest glaring down at Art. The third one, a young kid who looked around the same age as Art, held a knife in his hand. The fourth one made Art’s eyes bulge.

“Sam?”

“Hey, pal. How you doing?” Sam asked casually.

“Sam, what the hell, man? What is goin’ on here?”

“Why don’t you tell me?” Sam growled.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Yeah? Because Kayla gave me a different story yesterday.” Sam said. “So I’ll ask you again. What the hell did you do to my daughter?”

“Nothing!” Art insisted. “Sam, whatever she told you, she’s lying.”

Suddenly, the shotgun wielding older guy pointed the gun towards Art. “Tell the truth. What’d you do to Kayla?”

“You shoot me in the stomach from this range, you’ll cut me in half!”

“Then it’s a good thing I ain’t aiming for your stomach.”

“What the hell is going on?” Art repeated. He struggled against the rope tying him to the chair. “Who are you?”

“Oh, I guess I should make introductions. Art, this is my brother, Dean.” Sam pointed towards Dean, who waved with the knife in his hand. “This is my uncle, Bobby.” Bobby stepped one inch closer to Art, gun still in the air, making Art squirm in his seat. “And this, the incredibly pissed off looking Marine in the corner, is John. My father. Kayla’s grandfather.”

Art swallowed. His life was over. His only chance now? Beg for mercy.

“Look, I’m sorry…”

“You’re _sorry_?” Sam asked, his voice never rising above the level of casual conversation, but nonetheless with a dangerous tone that left Art nervous. “Do you know how many times in the last day Kayla has told me how sorry she is for what _you_ did to her?”

“Sam, listen, she came after me first…”

“She was _thirteen!_” Sam said. “You _raped_ my thirteen-year-old daughter. And you threatened my five-year-old. Give me one good reason to let you live.”

“I’ll turn myself in.” Art said. “I’ll apologize to Kayla…”

“You will never approach Kayla or any other little girl again. Trust me, where you’re going, you’ll _wish _you had turned yourself in sooner.”

“You know, I got to say.” John finally spoke from the corner, his deep baritone voice filling every corner of the room. “I’ve seen my granddaughter have nightmares and be terrified of you for the last four months. But you don’t look like that much to me.”

Art felt his anger rise at that, but he never got the chance to respond.

“Dad, let me say my peace first.” Sam said. “Then you can do whatever the hell you want to him.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that when I say this, I’m walking out that door, and I’m going home to my kids. Let me be clear here. You are going to die. Tonight. I don’t know what exactly these three have planned for you, but I hope they make your ass suffer. We have hunted some disgusting sons of bitches in our time, but I think all of us agree that you take the cake on any of them.”

Dean, John, and Bobby all nodded in agreement.

“And after we kill you, we are going to burn your body, and we are going to take your ashes and vacuum them up like the trash you are. But you’d better have the good sense to stay dead. Because if you think they’re dangerous, then you come back. I guarantee, if you do, I will make you wish you were back in hell.”

“Sam, please. Please don’t let them kill me.” Art begged.

“Are you afraid?” Sam asked. “Are you scared?”

“Yes.” Art admitted. “Please, please just don’t let them kill me.”

“Like Kayla was scared? She was a little girl. She trusted you, just like I did. But don’t worry. After they kill you, then you get to be the little girl.” Sam looked to Bobby, John, and Dean and told them seriously, “Make him hurt. A lot. I’m going home.”

Sam left the storage shed where they were holding Art, and he heard the first scream as he opened his car door. He made his way back home, where Jess, Kayla, and Mary were on the couch enjoying _Frosty the Snowman. _Mary had apparently crashed from the sugar she’d eaten that day, and was snoring against her mother’s side. Sam walked in, and a sleepy Kayla smiled up at him from underneath the blanket on the couch.

“Hey, Daddy.”

“Hey.” Sam smiled. “Can I watch with you?”

“Yeah.” Kayla whispered, moving over to give him room.

“Is it done?” Jess asked.

“It’s done.” Sam said, looking down at Kayla, whose eyes were slowly closing as she drifted off to sleep. “Kay?”

“Mm hmm?”

“You’re safe now.” Sam said.

“I know, Daddy.” Kayla said, her words slightly slurred from being sleepy. “I’m with you.”

“That’s exactly right. That’ll never change.”

“You guys can’t come in the kitchen tomorrow.” Kayla reminded them.

Sam chuckled. “We won’t.”

“Aunt Jody said you guys can go over to her house for breakfast.” Kayla said. “Then she’s gonna come over and help me.”

“I thought you didn’t want any help.” Jess said, slightly offended.

“It’s a surprise for you.” Kayla answered. “I want to do this, Mommy, please.”

“Okay. I won’t get in your way.”

“I’m going to bed.” Kayla said. Sam and Jess wished her goodnight, and Kayla stood up and started to head back to her room. She turned back around when she had a thought. “Can I ask you guys a favor?”

“What, baby?” Jess asked.

“Will you put Mary to bed with me? And will you both sit in there until I fall asleep?”

“Of course we will.” Sam said. “Do you want to sleep in the guest room with us?”

“It’s really crowded in there.”

“We don’t mind.” Jess said. “Do you want to?”

Kayla squirmed. “No thanks.”

“Kay? Honey, what is it?”

“I’ll feel crowded if I wake up and you and Daddy are both there….” Kayla swallowed and looked ready to cry.

“Hey. You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to.”

“I’m not ready. One day, maybe. Just not now.”

“Go on up. We’ll bring Mary in a minute.” Sam said. When Kayla was out of earshot, Sam sighed. “This is just beginning.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she’s pushed this down so much that even she doesn’t realize how much it’s hurting her.” Sam said. “I have a feeling there’s a lot of nightmares and flashbacks coming.”

“And we’ll be there to help her through them all.” Jess said.

Sam smiled and nodded. “You’re right. Come on, let’s go.”

When they made it to Kayla’s room, she was sitting up in bed waiting for them. Sam laid a still sleeping Mary next to her big sister.

“Good night, pooh bear.” Sam said to Mary.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Why didn’t we go to the police today?” Kayla asked.

Sam’s heart slammed to a stop in his chest. He’d known he’d eventually have to tell Kayla that Art was dead, he just didn’t think it would be so soon. Jess came to the rescue.

“The doctor reported him, Kay. The one we went to see at the hospital.”

“Dr. Flanigan? Why didn’t she tell me?”

“She told us when you went to the bathroom.” Jess said. “They have to do it by law.”

“Oh. Okay. So am I gonna have to talk to them? Will it be here or in D.C.? How’s that work?”

Sam sighed. “Kay, they can’t really do anything now.”

“What? Why not?” Kayla asked. “He’s gonna get away with this?”

“No. Art killed himself, honey.”

A stunned Kayla’s mouth moved, but she had no idea what to say. When she finally recovered, she said, “Why didn’t Karen call you?”

“The police worked really fast. As soon as the police were called here, they called the police in Boston and they went to Art’s to question him. They couldn’t really detain him since there wasn’t a lot of evidence, but apparently when they left, Art got out a gun and shot himself.”

Kayla looked down, her brain too tired to process the news very quickly. “Does it make me a bad person to be kind of happy that he’s dead?”

“Nope. Not at all.” Sam said.

“Not even a little.” Jess agreed.

Tears stung Kayla’s eyes again, and she quickly wiped them away.

“Hey. What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

“I feel…” Kayla paused; she wasn’t sure exactly _what _she felt. “Relieved, I guess. He can’t hurt me anymore.”

“Look at me.” Sam said, and Kayla’s eyes met his. “We will never let anyone hurt you ever again. Do you hear me?”

Kayla nodded. “I hear you.”

“This is far from over. I’m going to the hospital Saturday to set you up with a counselor. Mommy and I are going back Sunday to start packing the house, but if you have a bad dream, or a flashback, or you just want to talk, you call us. Doesn’t matter what time of day it is.”

“I will.”

“We are really proud of you for how you talked to Mary today.” Sam said. “I can’t tell you how proud of you we are.”

“That’s right.” Jess agreed.

Rather than making her smile, Sam and Jess’s comment made Kayla tear up even more, and she seemed to be barely holding herself together. She looked down at the still sleeping Mary, who had curled up into a ball on the bed.

“Kay?” a frightened Jess asked. “What is it?”

“She’s just a baby.” Kayla said brokenly. “I don’t want anything that happened to me to happen to her.”

“Oh, honey.”

“Jess, can you pick up Mary?” Sam asked. “I have an idea.”

“Sure.”

Jess picked up Mary, who simply adjusted her position and fell back to sleep against her mother. There was an old recliner in Kayla’s room, in the corner, that Kayla sometimes used to read when she didn’t want to be downstairs. Sam pulled it from the corner next to Kayla’s bed, sat down and opened his arms towards Kayla.

“Come here.”

Kayla didn’t protest. She climbed down off the bed and into Sam’s lap. At first, she felt stiff and tense in Sam’s arms, and confessed what she’d wanted him to know ever since that afternoon in the kitchen of their house nearly a year before.

“I was so scared, Daddy.”

“I know. I know you were. Daddy’s got you now, Kayla bug. Let it out.”

That was all she needed to hear. Kayla wrapped both arms around Sam’s neck, crying softly until she fell asleep. Jess laid Mary back down on the bed, and pulled Kayla’s desk chair next to the recliner. She rubbed Kayla’s back as Sam held her, whispering to her everything she’d needed to hear for so long. _You’re safe. Daddy’s here. We love you. _

When Kayla woke up the next morning, the sun was still nestled behind the trees, and she was still wrapped securely in her Daddy’s arms, with her Mommy sitting next to them holding her hand. 


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N: This chapter appears in the original The Things Unseen story. I haven't rewritten it, since I like the way it turned out. I put it here to keep the flow of the story going. The next chapter will be a reprint of The Ghost of Christmas Now, and after that, I'm including a chapter where Kayla has started counselling and brings her parents with her to a session. That'll be it for this story.**

**I have put all of Kayla's story in one chronological story on ff.net. It has the same title as this one. I'm probably not going to do that here. After I finish this story, I'm planning to write one about Kayla's married and parenting life. Stay tuned!**

Kayla had banned the family from the kitchen and dining room that day, but she was glad she'd had the sense to ask Bobby's family friend, who she referred to as Sheriff Jody, to help her. Various family members kept trying to come into the kitchen, but Jody would chase them out. Kayla finished Jody's favorite dish first, the only way she would allow Jody to help. She placed the plate of turkey alfredo at the table and put the first of the homemade cards she had made at Jody's seat.

"Looking good, kiddo." Jody said with a smile.

"Thanks."

The rest of the family's late lunch came out quickly after that. By two o'clock, the table was full of food. Everyone had a plate of their specific favorite food, and in the center was a few more helpings of each dish so that everyone else could sample everything, not just what Kayla had made specially for them. Kayla placed the last card on the table, and she and Jody double checked everything before inviting the rest of the group inside.

"Hang on, kiddo." Jody asked. "Where's your plate?"

"I'll just try some of everything." Kayla said. "Come on, I want everyone to see it."

Jody didn't have a chance to respond before Kayla was calling her family into the dining room. Jody had never seen so many mouths hit the floor. Even though John and Bobby had known what she was doing, they were still impressed. Bobby's plate contained barbeque chicken and a baked potato, John's a steak with sautéed mushrooms and mashed potatoes, Sam's grilled salmon and green beans, Mary's spaghetti with meatballs that she exclaimed were 'bigger than me!', Dean's a bacon cheeseburger and a slice of pie, and Jess's a variety of vegetables with two homemade red velvet cupcakes. Kayla worried when no one except Mary said anything. As she hugged Mary back, who had nearly pulled her big sister down to the floor with the force of her excited hug, Kayla asked,

"Well? I know it's not normal Thanksgiving food, but…"

"Kayla? Honey, this is wonderful." Jess said.

"Really?" Kayla asked.

"Yes." Sam answered sincerely. "But where's yours?"

"Oh, um…" Kayla said uncomfortably. "I was just gonna try some of your guys' stuff. I didn't make anything for myself."

"Well, it's a good thing we did." Bobby went to one of the cupboards and pulled out a dish with freshly made pork chops on them.

"Wha…when?" Kayla asked. She had commandeered the kitchen at five o'clock that morning and no one had been allowed in there.

"I made them last night. And I got Jody to heat them up while you were working on Dean's pies, then hide them so you wouldn't see them." Bobby explained.

Kayla smiled. "Thanks, uncle Bobby."

"I don't know about everyone else," Dean said, "but I'm hungry. Let's try this awesome food Kayla made."

"Here, here." Sam agreed. "Let's eat."

Three days later, Sam and Jess were headed back to Washington to pack up their house. Kayla, who had to go back to school, decided not to join them. Mary decided the morning they were due to leave that she was staying with Kayla and there was nothing anyone could do about it. No amount of cajoling or firmness from her parents, uncle, or grandparents could change her mind. Mary was in tears as her father placed her bag in the backseat of their rental car. Kayla finally convinced her when she knelt down and told Mary seriously,

"I need you to help mommy and daddy pack up the house. If you go, they can get it done faster and get back here to me faster. Okay?"

"You won't be sad here wifout us?" Mary asked.

"I'm always sad when I'm away from you. But they need your help right now. I've got grandpa and uncle Bobby, and that's enough until you can come back."

"You pwomise?" Mary asked.

"Promise what?"

"That they're enough." Mary said. "I don't want you to be wonely."

Kayla smiled. "Hey, answer this for me. What's up in the sky at night?"

Mary sniffed. "The moon."

"Right. Ask mommy tonight and she'll show you how the moon keeps us together, even when we're apart."

"Weally?" Mary asked.

"Yep. All we have to do is look up at the moon at the same time and say 'I love you'. If we do it at the same time, we'll both feel it. Promise me you'll do it?"

"Pwomise." Mary said. "Loves you sissy."

"I love you too, pooh bear. Come on, give me a hug."

Kayla helped get Mary into her car seat, then turned to her parents.

"We'll be back soon." Sam said.

Kayla couldn't help the small twinge of self-doubt. "Are you sure you want to give up your job? I can come back when the school year's over…"

"Mommy and I will be back for Christmas. If we haven't sold the house by then, then one of us'll go back every couple of weeks until it is sold." Sam said, cutting off Kayla's objection.

"All we want you to worry about is helping your grandpa and uncle decorate for Christmas." Jess said.

"Yes, ma'am." Kayla said, smiling. "I love you guys."

"We love you too, sweetie." Sam said, grabbing her and Jess both in a tight hug. "Don't ever forget that, okay?"

"I won't. Go on, go ahead. The faster you go, the faster you can come back home."


	41. Chapter 41

Sam hadn't thought it possible to feel this happy, this content, this complete. For the first time in months, both his children were falling asleep under the same roof, in their own house. It was Christmas Eve, and for the moment, all the drama and tension from the past year seemed to be behind them. Sam helped Jess finish setting up for Santa's arrival for Mary, then headed off to bed. After checking on Kayla and Mary, he fell asleep quickly.

"Samuel Winchester."

Sam jumped in bed, startled by the sound of a new voice that hadn't been there before. There was an older woman there, in her mid to late fifties, Sam decided. She looked familiar, though Sam couldn't quite place her.

"Who the hell are you?"

"You'll learn that in time."

"What does that mean?" Sam asked. "Where did you come from?"

"That's not important." the woman said.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to show you something." the woman said mysteriously. "You made a Christmas wish. I'm here to grant it."

"What Christmas wish?" Sam asked.

"To understand your daughter and why she hurts the way she does."

Sam was baffled. "That was a year ago."

Exactly one year earlier, Sam had gone to sleep Christmas Eve night feeling considerably less peaceful. Kayla was in the midst of a drastic mood change, alternating between snapping at her parents and wanting nothing to do with them and clinging to them. She was withdrawing into herself, and Sam had wanted to know why. He knew now, but it had come at a cost.

"You weren't ready to know the truth then. Not the whole truth."

"The whole truth?" Sam asked.

"Come with me. I can help you understand, but you have to live through it first."

"Live through what?"

"Certain memories that Kayla has." the woman said. "Without them, you'll never know."

"Know?"

"I can't tell you anymore. It's your choice now. Will you come or no?"

Sam would never know what made him do it. Despite not having hunted for nearly two full decades, his hunter instincts had never faded. But he couldn't shake the feeling that he knew this woman, and that he should trust her.

"I'll do it."

"Good. Come with me."

The woman held out her hand to Sam, and Sam took it from her. They were instantly transported back in time, and the woman released Sam's hand. Sam noticed a hunkered down Kayla sitting in the corner of the kitchen of their old house. She was crying, shaking, and clearly terrified.

"What is this?" Sam asked.

"Deep down, I think you know." the woman said.

Sam's heart sank in dread. "This is the first time it happened, isn't it?"

"Just after." the woman replied.

"Where's Art?" Sam said with gritted teeth.

"He's already left the house. Even if he hadn't, this is only a memory. You can't change it."

"Why are you showing me this?" Sam asked.

"Because you have to see. No matter how painful, you have to see."

Sam watched the shaking Kayla on the floor, then suddenly a new voice joined the memory. _They can't know. _Not only did Sam hear the voice, he could feel something. Emotions. Emotions that he didn't think he was actually experiencing.

"Kayla?"

"You hear it, don't you?" the woman asked. "The voice?"

"And feel. Wait, am I…Am I hearing what Kayla's thinking?" Sam asked.

"And feeling what she's feeling." the woman explained.

Sam shook his head feverishly. "No. No, I can't do this."

"It's too late to turn back." the woman said. "You have to see it. All the way through."

_They can't know, _the voice that Sam had now identified as Kayla's thought again. But it sounded different. Tiny. Scared. Weak. Confused. All the things that Kayla had fought so hard to make everyone think she wasn't. All the things that Sam believed she wasn't.

Suddenly, Kayla startled. The key was turning in the front door. _They can't know_, she thought again, and quickly stood up and wiped her face. She couldn't stop crying, though, and knew she would have to tell her parents something, so she took a kitchen knife and sliced one of her fingers.

"What the hell is she doing?"

"Trying to give you a believable reason for her crying." the woman explained.

Sam watched as Kayla quickly grabbed two pieces of bread and the jar of peanut butter and placed them on the counter. She streaked her blood a little on the bread and then placed it back on the counter. She was now free to cry as much as she wanted.

"Kay'a, we home!" Mary called. She was the first to make it to the kitchen and see her crying, upset sister. "Mommy! Daddy! Kay'a's hurt!"

In came two pairs of feet pounding the floor. "Kayla? What happened?"

Kayla was so upset she didn't even know which parent was speaking to her at first. "I went to make myself a sandwich and the knife slipped."

"Let me see."

That voice definitely belonged to her father. He gently took her hand and examined the wound. As bizarre as it was watching himself take care of Kayla, that wasn't the strangest part of the whole ordeal for Sam. He could actually _feel_ Kayla's apprehension. Her chest tightened and she held her breath. _Please don't be mad at me, Daddy. I need you right now._ The tightness dissipated in both Sam and Kayla as Sam watched himself smile at Kayla and reassure her,

"It's not too bad. You should be okay."

_I better make sure_, Sam could hear Kayla thinking.

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad, sweetie? It was an accident."

Sam noticed something then that his past self had been too concerned about Kayla to notice. Kayla looked away from them and to the floor, a sure sign that she was lying. She had never been able to successfully lie to Sam before that. _That I knew about_, Sam thought.

The rest of the scene played out and Sam felt nauseous. He watched Kayla cry, much more than was normal for a relatively small injury. He watched as Kayla made a conscious effort to stop crying, and when asked about it, she simply said,

"It just scared me really bad, Mommy. Getting hurt and being here by myself."

_That was truer than I ever thought, _Sam thought to himself as he watched the memory version of himself clean up the first aid kit and Jess hug Kayla, reassuring her over and over "Mommy's here, baby. Mommy's here." Sam could feel Kayla's desperation to hang onto her mother and never let go. He also heard her thoughts, and they drove a spike through his heart and soul. But it wasn't Kayla speaking this time. It was Art.

_You're disgusting._

_You've been seducing me for years. This is your fault._

_Tell your parents and I'll go after that precious sister of yours._

"Son of a bitch." Sam muttered under his breath. "I wish I could kill you over and over."

"This is only the beginning." The woman said, reaching out her hand to Sam.

"I don't know if I can take much more." Sam admitted, even as he took her hand in his.

The memory shifted. Kayla was a few months older. She was sitting in her room, on her bed, snuggling and tickling a delighted Mary. Sam was confused. Kayla actually looked happy in this memory.

"Why are we here? Kayla's happy here."

"On the outside." The woman answered. "What does she feel?"

And that's when Sam realized that he felt numb. Completely numb all over. Though Mary's visit lifted Kayla's spirit slightly, she could barely breathe from the emptiness inside her.

"Oh, no." Sam said.

He knew which memory he was in now. Kayla was grounded because her attitude had gotten way out of control. She was supposed to stay in her room and go to school, nothing else. Sam had heard Mary giggling down the hall and gone to investigate. Sure enough, he turned up in Kayla's room a minute later.

"Mary, leave your sister alone."

Kayla grabbed Mary and squeezed her tight, making her giggle again. "She's not bothering me."

But Sam could hear her thoughts again. _Please don't take her away from me, Daddy._

"You're supposed to be writing that essay for your mom."

"It's right there on my desk." Kayla pointed.

Sam walked to Kayla's desk, glanced at the essay, and shook his head. "Do it again. You can do better than this."

"Mommy said one page."

"And I'm telling you more." Sam had snapped impatiently. "You've been way off acceptable behavior this week, little girl."

"Don't call me that." Kayla fumed.

"Then stop acting like it and start taking responsibility for your own actions!"

"Why don't you let Mommy decide if it's good enough or not, since it's her punishment?"

"Because she isn't the only one you've been rude to lately." the Sam in the memory said.

"Fine. I'll do it over again."

"Do it as many times as it takes for you to drop the attitude. I'm sick of it, Kayla."

"Why did you even come in here? What, you heard me and Mary happy so you decided to break it up?" Kayla asked.

"Enough. Mary, let's go."

"No. I want to stay with Kayla." Mary said, grabbing Kayla's arm.

"Mary, now."

"Please, Daddy?" Mary said. "Kayla needs me."

"It's okay, Mary." Kayla said. "Go with Daddy."

"No. Daddy's being mean to you for no reason. You're my sister and no one can keep me away from you."

"That's right." Kayla said. "I promise, no matter what, I'm always your sister. But go with Daddy right now. He's right. I have been…bad lately. Go on and go with Daddy, and if he'll let me later, I'll read you a story."

"Okay. Are you still sad?"

Kayla swallowed, and Sam nearly wept watching it. He could tell, now, that she was lying, but then, he'd been too preoccupied trying to figure out what Mary meant by Kayla being sad.

"No, I'm not." Kayla said. "Thank you for helping me."

"You welcome. I loves you sissy." Mary said. She climbed onto her knees to hug Kayla around the neck. "Loves you bunches and bunches."

"I know you do." Kayla said. "Thank you, baby. And I love you too. Bunches and bunches. Go on. Go."

"'Kay." Mary turned and glared at her father. "Why won't you tell Kayla you love her?"

The question stung Sam the second time as much as the first. The first tear fell down and Sam had a bad feeling he was in for more.

"What?" the Sam in the memory asked.

"That's why she's so sad. 'Cause she doesn't think you love her anymore and you won't tell her." Mary said. "Why are you being so mean to her?"

"Mary, stop." Kayla said. "I appreciate you trying, but Daddy's right. You should go play with him."

"I'm going to my room to play by myself." Mary said. "I'm not playing with Daddy again until he's nice to you."

Mary stomped out of the room back toward hers, leaving behind a stunned Sam and a hurting Kayla. In the silence of the room, Sam heard Kayla's thoughts again, and he worried his heart would shatter. _It's your fault for being happy for a minute._

"Kay?" The Sam in the memory said, while the real one could barely stomach his own behavior. "Is that true?"

"Is what true?"

"That you're sad because I haven't said 'I love you'." Sam said. "Is it?"

"Mary exaggerates stuff." Kayla said.

"Honey, I do love you. You know that, right?"

"I know."

"Please talk to me."

"I've got an essay to do." Kayla said. "Apparently mine's not good enough."

"Why don't we go out for ice cream?" Sam suggested.

Kayla pulled herself off the bed and headed to the desk. "No thanks."

"Sweetie, are you mad at me?" Sam asked. "Is that what this is about?"

"Please just leave me alone." Kayla said, balling her essay up and throwing it into her trash can. "I've got work to do."

"I'll send Mary back in here." Sam said. "I'm sorry, Kay. You're right, I should've left you alone."

"I wasn't breaking my grounding. Mom never said I couldn't see Mary." Kayla said bitterly. "I didn't realize part of my punishment was solitary confinement."

"I'm trying to apologize."

"Well, like you tell me all the time, sorry isn't enough. Now please leave me alone."

Sam watched as he turned and left out of Kayla's room. He remembered what he'd done after that. He'd gone to his bedroom and punched the wall, and had to explain the big gaping hole in the wall to Jess later on. He'd also had to hear the lecture from her about separating Mary from Kayla and dismissing any efforts Kayla made to do better.

What Sam saw and heard now made him wish there was something else around for him to break. As soon as Kayla heard him punch the wall in his own room, she walked to her door and closed it. She wanted to slam it, but didn't want to risk Sam coming in and lecturing her again. When the door was shut, Kayla slunk to the floor next to her bed. She was too tired to cry. But Sam could feel it. Her heart was throbbing again, and that ugly voice was taunting her.

_You're no good for anyone._

_Not even Mary._

_You don't deserve this family._

"Time to go." the woman said.

"What the hell did I do?" Sam said. "I hurt her as much as Art did."

"No. You didn't. Not even close." the woman said, running a hand up and down Sam's arm for comfort. "But you do need to finish this."

"I don't know if I can."

"You can. There's only a little more." the woman said.

Sam swallowed and took her hand. "Okay."

The memory shifted, and this time Kayla was sitting in the backseat of Sam's car. The sun was about to go down, and the atmosphere in the car was tense. Only when Sam started hearing Kayla's thoughts did he realize where they were.

_Maybe they're giving me another shot._

_I should do better. A lot better. They deserve better._

_I'll tell them tonight at dinner._

Sam watched himself pull into the parking lot of the restaurant and heard a sound that had become increasingly rare over the preceding months. Kayla laughed. He remembered at the time nearly abandoning his plan when he'd heard Kayla laugh. He'd wondered if he'd ever hear her laugh again, and the thought that what he was about to do could mean that he might never hear it again…

"I can't do this."

"You have to." the woman said.

"Why the hell do I have to?" Sam shouted. Kayla grabbed her mother's arm as they went inside, and the scene transformed again. "Don't you think I understand? That I hurt Kayla too? If that's the point of this, then I get it. I hurt her, okay? I understand that."

"I won't lie. You did cause her pain. But you _need _to see the rest of this. Not just for yourself. But for Kayla too."

"Fine." Sam said. "Go on."

They were sitting at the table inside Mama Rita's. They'd just ordered, and Kayla was working with the placemat and the crayons at the table. Kayla had always played with anything put in front of her-crayons and paper, books, toys, games. Sam had always found it endearing, and now that he hadn't seen it in so long, he longed for it more than anything else in the world. Sam watched himself and Jess squirming, trying to figure out how to break the news to Kayla.

"You want to help me, Mommy?"

Jess, startled at Kayla talking to her after so long, asked, "What?"

"Do you want to help me?"

"In a minute, babe. Daddy and I want to talk to you about something." Jess said.

"Okay." _This is it,_ Kayla thought. _Tell them._

"Kayla, your mommy and I've been talking this week." Sam watched himself say. "We've decided that it might be best for you to go to your grandpa's for a while."

Kayla stopped whatever she was doing on the placemat and stared at her parents. "What?"

"You're going to your grandpa's for a while."

Kayla swallowed hard as she tried to process what her parents were saying. Grasping onto hope that she'd misunderstood them, Kayla asked, "We're taking a vacation or something?"

"No, Kayla." Sam said. "You're going to live with your grandpa and uncle Bobby." When Kayla said nothing in response, Sam continued. "Your flight leaves at ten tomorrow. We'll leave the house at seven and take you as far as security. If there's time, we'll sit in the airport with you for a few minutes before you leave, but we'll have to see on that. You'll be at Grandpa's by two."

Sam actually felt the hope draining out of Kayla. She gripped the crayon in her hand so hard that it broke. At the time, Sam had assumed it was anger that had caused her to break the crayon in her hand. But again, he could hear what she was _truly _thinking and feeling.

_You did it. You pushed them away. Good job, you disgusting, selfish good for nothing._

"Kay? Honey? Talk to us, please." Jess begged. "Say something."

"What do you want me to say?" Kayla asked, putting the crayon down and leaning against the seat behind her.

"Anything." Jess said. "Anything, baby. Please just talk to us."

"You've made it pretty clear how you feel. There's nothing to say."

"Kayla, this isn't about punishing you." Sam explained. "It's about giving you some time to get yourself together."

"Wasn't aware I wasn't together." Kayla said bitterly.

"Don't get smart with me, Kayla. Now is not the time."

"What difference does it make now?" Kayla asked. "You want me to talk? Talk about how I'm feeling? Fine. I feel stupid."

"You are not stupid." Jess said.

"Apparently, I am. Because I was stupid enough to feel bad in the car for thinking about running away last week. Turns out I would've just saved you the plane ticket." Kayla said.

"Kayla, you're doing this whether you want to or not. Now we can sit here and we can have a nice dinner, or we can eat in silence. It's your choice."

"I'm not hungry anymore."

"That's too bad. I don't care what you want anymore. Maybe once you're gone for a while you'll realize how blessed you really are."

"I'm a damn idiot." Sam said to himself, but of course his counterpart in Kayla's memory never heard him. "Kayla was the blessing and I screwed it up."

"This isn't the end." the woman said simply.

The memory shifted, and it was nighttime now. The three of them were pulling into the driveway. The Sam in the car was silent, Kayla was silent, and Jess was crying softly in the front seat. Kayla got out of the car and walked into the house, and Sam was finding it increasingly hard to breathe. Kayla ran to her room, and slammed the door. She saw a bag packed in the corner and took a couple things off of her desk to throw in frustration. Sam and Jess came in, wished her a quick good night, and headed off to their room.

In the dark of the night, Kayla couldn't hide it anymore. After almost a half hour of sitting on her bed in silence, Kayla reached under her mattress and pulled something out. Sam stepped closer, and saw it was a picture of Kayla and Leslie. Kayla was three, dressed in a suit as a lawyer and beaming with pride at her choice. The knot in the middle of Sam's chest tightened, and Kayla began to speak. For the first time in the whole bizarre experience, Kayla actually said what she was thinking. With a shaking voice and tears starting to fall, Kayla whispered,

"They don't want me anymore, Grandma. I'm too messed up."

"Oh, Kay." Sam said. He reached out a hand to stroke Kayla's hair, but his hand went straight through her.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Grandma. I need help. It hurts all the time. I don't mean to be mean to everyone, but I just don't feel good about myself. Ever."

Sam didn't think he'd ever breathe again.

"Now I can't even stay home. I don't deserve a mommy and a daddy. I'd say I wish you were here. I know that you'd never let them do this. But I don't think even you could love me like this."

"I can't take this." Sam said. "I can't stand this."

"That's not the worst of it."

Sam started to ask what she meant, then Kayla answered the question for him.

"I should have died with you."

Sam choked, and for the first time, the mysterious woman seemed concerned. "Are you alright?"

"No. No, I'm not alright. I'm not even close to alright." Sam said.

He walked away, then got frustrated when he realized he _couldn't_ walk away. Sam ran a hand through his hair, wanting more anything to reach out and take Kayla and never let her go. Kayla was done talking and down to crying, and for once, Sam preferred that. He didn't know if he could take anymore of Kayla beating herself up.

"I never knew she was suicidal." Sam said.

The mystery woman offered Sam a comforting hand. "She never was. Not really. This was her lowest point. Things got better the next day when your father helped her take advantage of her new start."

"So she started feeling better about herself?" Sam asked.

"It was a slow process, but yes." the woman said. "But don't get comfortable yet. You've got one more memory."

"I can't."

"You can. And I promise, after this memory, I'll tell you who I am and why I felt you needed to see all this." the woman said. "I promise, this one's not as bad."

"Fine." Sam said. "Let's get this over with."

The memory shifted again. Kayla's room while she'd lived with John. The energy in this memory was different. Kayla wasn't sad, or depressed, or hurting. She was nervous. Sam saw her schoolbooks scattered on the bed, and a piece of paper in her hand.

"The play."

"Yes." the woman said.

"She doesn't seem…she seems okay."

"She's nervous. About the play, and something else." the woman said.

Sam noticed Kayla pick up the phone that was sitting on her bed. She dialed their home phone number and waited with a jittery expectation as the phone rang. The conversation was easy enough. Kayla wanted Sam and Jess to come to her play. Sam remembered well enough what his and Jess's reaction had been. Guilt. But, watching Kayla hang up the phone with a smile on her face, he thought that this was somehow worse. Because he could feel it with every fiber of his being. The hope. The absolute certainty that Mommy and Daddy would be there, and that everything was going to be okay.

"But we didn't go."

"True. And she was disappointed for a few days. But there's a difference in this memory and the ones before."

"What's that?" Sam asked.

"Watch."

Kayla hung up and threw the phone and threw it down on the bed. The dark thoughts that Sam had dreaded hearing were coming back. _You should have known better than to think they'd be interested in your stupid play._

"You should be getting ready for bed."

Kayla looked up and saw John standing in the doorway to her room. "Yes, sir. I'm going now."

"You okay?"

"I called mommy and daddy and asked them to come to my play." Kayla said.

"I see. What did they say?"

"That they couldn't be here." Kayla said.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I know you're disappointed."

Kayla nodded, fighting the tears brimming at her eyes.

"Bobby and I will be there. We'll film it. They _will _see it." John said.

"I'm not going."

"What do you mean you're not going?" John asked.

Kayla sniffed. "It's not worth it anymore."

"You've worked so hard on this. Don't throw it away."

"I won't be able to do it without looking out and hoping they'll be there." Kayla said. "I'll be too distracted."

"You know," John said, walking inside and grabbing the phone from Kayla's bed before taking a seat, "when your dad was your age, he felt like this a lot."

"He did?"

"Yeah. I wasn't there for him nearly as much as I should have been. It was mostly your uncle Dean that went to school plays and things like that for your dad." John said.

"I didn't know that."

"That's because when you were born, your dad told me that I had to treat you differently or I wouldn't be allowed to see you."

"Daddy said that?" Kayla asked.

"He did." John said. "And I'm glad he did."

"Why?"

"Because it gave me another chance." John said. "See, your dad thought that just because I wasn't there, I wasn't interested. I tried to convince him it wasn't true, but he never really believed me."

"That's how I feel now."

"But think about something. If you were home right now, would your dad go to your play?" John asked.

"Yeah. He'd help me get ready for it too."

"There you go." John said. "You know, that's one of the biggest things I ever learned, and your dad taught it to me. That our actions show a lot more than our words. So I know you're disappointed, but I promise the only reason they're not coming is because they just can't make it this weekend."

"But that's why I wanted them to come so bad!" Kayla said, frustrated. "I wanted to show them I was trying. Trying to do better. I thought that maybe…"

"Maybe what?" John asked when she went quiet.

"Maybe if I was doing better, they'd let me come home."

John sighed, and the urge to ruin Sam and Jess's surprise was strong. "I don't know what your parents are thinking about you coming home. You can ask them when you talk to them if you want."

"Maybe."

"You know, your birthday's next week. Maybe they can't come this weekend because they're planning to come for that." John said.

"If they won't come for this stupid play, they're definitely not coming for my birthday."

"Kayla, listen to me. I don't know where you're getting this idea that you don't mean the world to all of us. But it isn't true. Not by a mile." When Kayla didn't respond, John asked, "Why do you feel that way? I'm not upset, I just don't understand."

"I don't know. I just feel that way sometimes."

"Sometimes? Or all the time?" John asked.

_Every second of every day and night_, Kayla thought. "Sometimes."

"When you start feeling that way, _tell someone._ We can't help you if we don't know something's going on. Promise me you'll do that."

"Promise." Kayla said.

"And think about this. Bobby and I don't waste time with anything we don't think is important. And we're going to your play. We're pretty excited about it."

Kayla finally smiled. "Really?"

"Really. And your mom and dad will see it, I promise. But you don't want to let me and Bobby down, do you?"

"No. I don't." Kayla said. "Thanks, grandpa."

"You're welcome, kiddo." John said. "Go on, wash up and get ready for bed."

Sam had tears in his eyes, but these tears were different. "My dad helped her?"

"He did." the woman said. "I can't explain why, but at that moment, your dad had to turn the tide. He had to be the one to convince Kayla she was still worth something."

"Okay, I've done everything you asked of me. I've gone through all these memories and feel like a complete screw up. Now who are you?"

"Take a good look at me. I think you know."

Sam looked at the woman's face, and the truth dawned on him. Her eyes, the shape of her face, her smile. "Kayla?"

The mystery woman nodded and smiled. "Hi, Daddy. It's been a long time."

"What the…?" Sam said, taking a long look at Kayla. "How?"

"It's a long story." Kayla said.

"How…how old are you?"

Kayla laughed. "Mom always taught me that was a rude question."

"Sorry, you're right…"

"It's okay. I don't think she foresaw you asking me that. I'm fifty-two." Kayla said.

"How are you doing this?"

"Sorry. Can't tell you that. Spoilers." Kayla said.

Sam cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "What?"

Kayla laughed. "It'll make sense in a couple years."

"So, you can't tell me anything about…well, anything, can you?"

"You mean about the future? No." Kayla said. "But, to make a very long and complicated story short, I was given the ability to make a wish and I chose to come back in time and show you what I showed you."

"Why did you show me?" Sam asked. "Honey, I'm so sorry…."

"Shh. Stop. I'll explain, but you got to let me get this out. Okay?"

"Alright." Sam said,

"I showed you because I wanted you to see. I wanted you to see that yes, you made some mistakes. Both of us did. But the thing is this. What happened to me, what Art did to me, it left a wound. A big, gaping, oozing wound that I couldn't understand and I couldn't heal on my own. I was so ashamed of myself that I thought if I told you it would chase you and Mommy away."

"Honey, no…" Sam said.

"I know now that that's not the case. That's not what this is about." Kayla said. "I'm telling you this so you can understand. Just let me get it out."

"Okay."

"You spent years feeling guilty after I moved back in. You were constantly apologizing for being tough on me when I was hurting. I tried to convince you it was okay, but, it was like you blamed yourself for it and there was no way to convince you otherwise."

"I just never realized how much what I did hurt you too." Sam said.

"You tried to raise me to be the person you knew I could be. I didn't see that at the time, but I did as I grew up. And let me guess. You still beat yourself up over sending me to Grandpa's?"

"Of course I do." Sam said. "That's the last thing you needed…"

"That was exactly what I needed. And despite it tearing your heart out, you did it for me." Kayla said. "Listen to me. I know you didn't know this at the time, but sending me to Grandpa's was a good thing. Maybe not for exactly the reasons you thought, but it was good. It hurt, a lot, but it got me out of the rut I was in."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"Well, hanging around the house kept me reliving it. It kept me in a constant fear and dread that he was gonna come back. But once I was gone, I could focus on what I should have been focusing on. School, friends, homework."

"I didn't think of it like that." Sam said. "You always seemed so upset about it."

"Come on. Do you really think a teenager is going to tell you that you were right?"

Sam laughed. "I guess not."

"Seriously, though. That's why I came back and did this. I need for you to know and you need to hear it. You need to hear it in here." Kayla pointed to Sam's heart and said, "You are a good dad. You're an amazing father. You made a choice that helped me, no matter how much it hurt. And I never forgot that."

"Wow." Sam said. "I don't know what to say."

"Look, I can't give you specific details about the future. But I can tell you this. I married a wonderful man that loved me with his whole heart and soul. In fact, he reminded me of you."

"Me?"

"Yep." Kayla said.

"Did I like him?" Sam asked.

"You…pretended not to. But I could see right through you." Kayla said. She suddenly laughed and looked like the spitting image of her mother.

"What?"

"You, um, you actually cheered when I told you and Mom that I was getting married."

"I what?" Sam asked.

"You cheered." Kayla said. "I was so nervous about telling you that I held off on it for days. Then when you found out you actually cheered."

"That doesn't sound like me."

"It will." Kayla said. "But that's not what's important. I meant what I said about you being a good dad. But there's something else too."

"What?"

"You need to understand that it's not over. Not for Kayla. Um, younger Kayla anyway."

"What do you mean?" Sam asked.

"I mean that she's getting better. But there's still days where she feels like the two of you deserve better than her. Like she's not as good a person anymore as she was."

"That's ridiculous!"

Kayla smiled. "I knew you'd say that. But see, what happened to me, it got down into here." Kayla took Sam's hand and pointed at her own heart. "What you need to do is take all this bad stuff out of here and replace it."

Sam smiled. "You sound just like your mother."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Kayla said. "But anyway, it's true."

"What do you mean I need to replace it?" Sam asked.

"Well, think about what you learned with this."

"What do you mean?"

"Would you let me get away with that answer?" Kayla asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sam chuckled again. "No. Alright, what did I learn here?" Sam thought back sadly to what he'd witnessed and came to a startling realization. "I didn't start it."

"Start what?"

"Her feeling like she didn't deserve us." Sam said.

"That's right." Kayla said. "What else?"

"I did my best with what I knew at the time."

"Very good." Kayla said. "My big point is this. What you need to do for Kayla is tell her, over and over and over again, that one, it's not her fault. Two, you forgive her. And three, and this is most important, that you'll always be there for her and that you treasure her. No matter what."

"You knew that, didn't you?" Sam asked, worried.

"I knew that you sincerely felt that way. But I didn't feel that way." Kayla said. "I don't know if you've ever noticed, but you tend to think you should say something once and that's it."

Sam chuckled. "I guess you're right."

"It's gonna take time. Just be patient, and just keep saying it. Until I get sick of hearing it, and even after." Kayla said.

"I can do that." Sam said. "I can definitely do that."

"I have to go." Kayla said.

"What? No!"

"Relax. You'll see me again." Kayla said. "But my time's almost up."

"I know you said you couldn't tell me anything, but will you answer one question for me?"

"Depends on what it is." Kayla said.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes." Kayla said, with not an ounce of hesitation. "Yes, I am. Now it's time for you to wake up."

"Daddy."

Sam gasped and sat straight up in the bed. "What?"

"Daddy, are you okay? I heard you all the way in my room."

Sam was shaken from the dream he had just had. But the Kayla in front of him was the right age. She was still dressed in her PJs, her hair a mess from sleeping. Jess was sleeping next to him. Sam checked the clock next to the bed. 4:15am.

"Daddy?"

"I'm fine, baby. Just had a…weird dream." Sam said. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to recover his composure. "Did you sleep okay in your new room?"

"Yeah. I love it."

"Good." Sam said. "Hey, why don't you climb up here with me and Mommy? Mary'll be up soon."

"I'm a little big for that, aren't I?"

"Never." Sam said. "Come on."

Kayla grinned and got on the bed between her parents. Her motion woke up Jess, who checked the clock too. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I just couldn't sleep, so I came in here with you and Daddy." Kayla said.

"Why couldn't you sleep?" Jess asked with a yawn. "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just a new place." Kayla said. "So, Daddy, what was your dream about?"

"Dream? What dream?" Jess asked.

"That's not important." Sam said. "Jess, turn the lamp on. We need to have a talk with Kayla."

"Am I in trouble?" Kayla asked.

"No. No, baby, you're not. I promise." Sam said. "But I'm gonna ask you some questions, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay? The whole truth and nothing but."

"Okay. The truth about what?"

"Sam, what's going on?" Jess asked.

"Just trust me." Sam said. "Kay, do you remember the day that Mommy and I came home and you had cut your finger making a sandwich?"

Kayla shifted and looked away uncomfortably. "Yeah."

"Did you cut yourself on purpose?"

"How did you know about that?" Kayla asked.

"It's true?" Jess asked. "Kay, why would you do that?"

When Kayla shook her head, Sam asked, "Do you want me to tell her?"

"Yeah."

Sam sighed. "That was the first time, Jess."

"The first time…" Jess's mouth opened in horror when she realized. "Oh, baby."

"I didn't want you guys to know, but I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what else to tell you."

"And have you been feeling like you don't deserve me and Mommy?" Sam asked.

Kayla nodded. "Yes."

"One more question. Is there anything else you've been feeling that we need to know about? Especially since you moved back in with me and Mommy?"

"Well, yeah. I'm worried." Kayla said.

"Worried about what?" Jess asked.

"What's gonna happen the next time I get in trouble." Kayla said. "I feel like I have to try and be perfect for you guys, because I'm afraid if I'm not you guys might try to send me away again."

"Okay. First off, that is not going to happen. Mommy and I talked a lot while you were gone. Did you know that we talked about you every night?"

"About how I acted before I left, probably." Kayla said.

"Nope. About how much we missed you and wanted you back." Sam said, making Kayla smile. "But if you get in any trouble again, we'll deal with it just like we used to. Warning first, choice between me and Mommy, then me and Mommy decide."

"Okay." Kayla said.

"Feel better about that?"

Kayla nodded. "Yeah. I do."

"Good. Because my first Christmas present to you is a clean slate." Sam said.

"What do you mean?" Kayla asked.

"I mean no more drug tests. I'm choosing to trust you, and I'm pretty sure Mommy agrees with me." Sam said, and Jess nodded.

"You shouldn't do that. I haven't earned it yet." Kayla said.

"Let me and Mommy decide that." Sam said. "Now, that's not to say if you get in trouble that we're going easy on you. But from this point forward, clean slate."

"Thank you, Daddy." Kayla said, her eyes misting over.

"You're welcome, baby. One more thing." Sam took his hand and pointed to Kayla's heart. "I'm gonna tell you something. And I need you to not just hear me, but hear me in here. Okay?"

"What?"

Sam put everything he had into what he said next. "The best day of my life, next to marrying your mother, is the day I became a Daddy for the first time. You and your sister are the best part of your mother and me, and that will never change. Not ever. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah." Kayla said.

"What's wrong?" Sam asked.

"I hear you, but I don't feel it most of the time." Kayla said. "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like I deserve it."

"Then I'll tell you as often as you need to hear it. And if you do need to hear it, tell me. Grab my hand and squeeze it, ask for a hug, whatever and whenever you need it. Same goes for your mother."

"That's right, baby." Jess said.

"You guys are the best." Kayla said.

"Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we go wake up Mary instead of her waking us up this year?" Sam asked.

"I like that idea." Kayla said. "But I've already got my Christmas present."

"Oh, yeah? What's that?" Jess asked.

"I got you guys back."

Before Sam or Jess could respond to that, Mary was heard running down the hallway and appeared in the doorway like a bullet. She was practically vibrating with excitement.

"Come on, come on, come on! Santa came last night! Let's go!"

The Christmas was one of the best that Sam remembered. Kayla watched a movie with her parents as Mary napped, and ended up taking a nap herself later in the afternoon. After both girls had been put to bed that night, Sam saw someone standing under the streetlight in front of the house. He couldn't tell for sure, because she was only there for a second, but it looked like the older Kayla. She waved at him, smiled, and disappeared into the night.


	42. Chapter 42

**A/N: I'll be the first to admit that this chapter's a little bland. It describes the months between Thanksgiving and Christmas, as Kayla moves into her new house with her family. Kayla asks her parents to come to a counselling session with her. I meant to include the counselling session in this chapter, but the chapter turned out much longer than I originally anticipated, so I stopped it just short of them actually talking things out. That'll happen in the next one, I promise.**

Four months.

It had been four full months since Kayla's revelation had come out to the family, three months since the family had moved to South Dakota, and two and a half since Kayla had moved back in with her parents.

Kayla couldn't have been happier.

It had been tough finding Kayla a counselor locally in an area that was a little sparse in such services. But with an afternoon of research and driving around, and after visiting three separate offices with Kayla and meeting four different doctors, Sam had finally ended up going with a recommendation from Jody. Though he didn't get a chance to meet the doctor, Kayla begged to keep seeing her. John had shocked Sam by agreeing to take Kayla to her appointment every Wednesday when she got out of school and sit in the office waiting for her for forty-five minutes.

Sam hadn't realized how much he missed Kayla's laughter. The difference in her from the time Sam and Jess had gone back to pack up and sell their house to the time they'd come back was thoroughly different. The day the family had returned back to South Dakota, Kayla had been nearly tackled Sam to the ground when he'd gotten out of the car. Sam and Jess had been shocked to find that the house had been painted on the outside, cleaned top to bottom on the inside, and decorated for Christmas with a nearly six foot tall tree and a box of ornaments on the floor, waiting to kick off the family's first Christmas in their new home.

For now, they were back on a semi-normal schedule. Sam suspected John, Bobby, and Dean had done it somehow, but he'd found out arriving that the house had been paid off and the utilities paid for three months while he found a job. The refrigerator, freezer, and cupboards had also been full of food, enough so that they wouldn't need groceries, with the exception of milk, eggs, and bread, for weeks. And Sam's favorite surprise came the night of Christmas Eve, when Dean had arrived with a bag of toys for both girls from 'Santa', eliminating most of Sam and Jess's immediate material worries.

Kayla was doing better than ever at school. She had the highest grade point average in her entire class. She tutored classmates one day a week, earning her own allowance, making her father beam with pride. She had spent the first two weeks of her earnings taking her sister out for her sixth birthday. Mary had been thrilled with her 'big girl day', and talked about it for weeks.

There was one significant bump in the road. Kayla had nightmares on a regular basis. Now that she was focusing on getting out what happened to her rather than hiding it, some of the nightmares were pretty vicious. Sam came up with a system to help her through the roughest dreams. He learned through trial and error that if Kayla was just calling him, and not thrashing in bed, he could simply gently shake her awake and talk her through it. Sometimes she would give him details of her dream, revealing things about what Art had done to her that would make Sam's stomach turn. But every time she did tell him something, Sam listened without commenting, at least until he could get into his own bedroom and fantasize about killing Art all over again.

It was on the nights that Kayla was thrashing about in bed that Sam had learned to follow a very set pattern. He would come in and call Kayla's name, which would work if the dream wasn't too bad. If Kayla didn't wake, Sam had learned the hard way to not touch her until she woke up. The first and only time he'd made that mistake, he'd had to take care of a bloody nose from Kayla elbowing him before she completely woke up. She'd felt incredibly guilty about hurting her father, even though it was an accident, and had avoided him for three days, until Sam had only half joked about grounding her if she didn't stop moping.

"If a bloody nose is the worst you ever do to me, we'll be in good shape."

When he would sit on the edge of the bed, Sam would lay both his palms flat on the sheets of her bed and call her name. Gently at first, but if she didn't respond, he'd call her using his best 'Dad means business' voice. Once Kayla's eyes snapped open, and she calmed enough to realize she was safe and the only person in the room with her was Sam and maybe Jess or Mary, she would either talk about the dream or ask that Sam hold her and stay with her until she was asleep again. More nights than not, Sam would stay until early the next morning, then sneak back to his room so Kayla wouldn't know he'd stayed there all night.

The nightmares slowly but steadily declined, and after a week straight of not having any, Sam was feeling hopeful. He knew better than to think everything was completely better, but maybe Kayla was getting back on the right track. When he walked in that day from work, Kayla was just getting home from school.

"Hey, kiddo. How was school?"

"It was okay." Kayla answered. "Listen, I need to talk to you and Mom about something. Is she home?"

"I don't think so. Not yet. Her car's not out there." Sam said. "I think she went to pick up Mary."

"Oh. Okay."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. It's not a bad thing I need to talk to you about, but I want to do it with you together." Kayla explained. "I'm going to my room to start on my homework. Will you bring Mom up when she comes?"

"Sure."

Sam was curious, but he waited patiently for Jess and Mary to get home. Thirty minutes later, he was knocking on Kayla's door with Jess beside him. Kayla turned and smiled.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hey, sweetie. You said you wanted to talk to us?"

"Yeah. Can you guys sit down? It's important."

"Sure."

"Should we be nervous?" Sam half-joked.

"No." Kayla answered. She put her pencil down and turned to face her parents once they were sitting on her bed. "Listen, next week's supposed to be my last session with Dr. Katie. I really want to keep seeing her, but she told me I had to ask you guys if it was okay."

"Of course it's okay." Jess said, looking to Sam, who nodded in confirmation. "Is she still helping?"

"Yeah. She is. I like her a lot."

"Good." Sam said. "You seem much more relaxed."

"I feel better. She helps me keep my mind off it so much. I haven't really even thought about it in days."

"If you still need to see her, you can still go." Sam promised. "Was that it?"

"Not exactly. She told me to tell you if you said yes, that you needed to call her."

"I'll do that." Sam said. "I'll go call her now."

"Wait. There's one more thing." Kayla said. "She wants you guys to come with me next time."

"Come with you?"

"Yeah. Like, to an appointment with me."

"Why?" Jess asked. "I don't mind doing it all, but is there a specific reason?"

"There's just some stuff she thinks we should talk about, and it's tough to do it here." Kayla said. "It'd be easier to do it there, where she can help us through it."

"Honey, if you want to talk about something, we're here for you…"

"I know you are. You guys have been great. But it's hard to tell you some things when we're all so happy and cheerful." Kayla sighed in frustration, finding it much harder than she ever imagined to ask this of her parents. "Please just come with me."

"We'll be there."

"You're sure? You can get out of work?" Kayla asked. "Don't you usually work late on Wednesday night?"

"I'll figure that out. Why don't you come to my office after school and we'll go over together?"

"I'm out of school next week." Kayla reminded him. "I'm tracked out, remember?"

"Oh, right. Sorry, I'm still getting used to a year round schedule."

"It's okay." Kayla said. "It took me a while to get used to."

"I guess I'll pick you and your mom up here…"

"Can we just pick Mom up? Can I go to work with you?"

"You'd want to do that?" Sam asked, touched that she'd want to spend time with him when she was out of school. "Really?"

"Yeah. I'd like to see what you do. Can I?"

"Sure." Sam said. "It might be kind of boring for you, though. And if I have a meeting or something like that, you might have to wait for a while in my office."

Kayla shrugged. "I'll bring a book or something. I have a paper due when I go back to school, I'll work on that."

"Sounds like a plan."

The rest of the week flew by for Sam, but he couldn't help but be nervous. What did Kayla want to talk to them about? What did she want to say to them in front of her counsellor she didn't feel comfortable saying at home? Sam called the doctor as asked, who explained she simply wanted to touch base with them since they'd never officially met in person. John had met Dr. Katie the first time Kayla had talked to her, and seemed to trust her, so that was good enough for Sam. Sam also felt relieved when Dr. Katie informed him that their health insurance was refusing to pay for any more sessions, but since the doctor was required to see two patients a year pro bono, she was happy to make Kayla one of them. She asked Sam to come five to ten minutes early for the appointment so he could sign a couple of consent forms allowing her to continue treating Kayla.

When the day came, Sam relished having Kayla there at work with him. She asked questions, waited on him patiently in his office when he had to meet with a client and with his boss, and read over her paper when she told him she was done. Before he knew it, it was time to leave and get Jess.

The office was more colorful than Sam had pictured. Each wall was painted a different bright color, more like a pediatrician's office than what he thought a therapist's office looked like. When they arrived, Kayla went straight to the front desk and greeted the nurse that was there.

"Hey, Ray."

"Well, hey there, Kayla. Who's this with you?"

"This is my mom and dad."

"Hey there." The male nurse reached over to shake Sam and Jess's hand. "I'm Ray."

"Sam."

"Jess."

"You cannot be her mother." Ray said, looking back to Kayla then again at Jess. "You must be her sister."

Jess blushed. "Thank you."

"You are very welcome. Seriously, you guys, she is awesome and I look forward to seeing her when she comes in."

"Thanks." Sam said. "That's good to know."

"So, Dr. Katie said to give you these when you came in." Ray reached behind his desk and pulled out a clipboard to hand to Sam. "It's just consent forms for her to keep treating Kayla. Just basic stuff-name, address, phone number, medical history, all that."

"Doesn't she already have that?"

"She does, but that was for our own records. The hospital needs it too if Kayla's going to be treated pro bono."

"Got it. No problem."

"Just have a seat over there and give it to Dr. Katie when she comes in."

"Is Dr. Katie her real name?" Jess asked.

Ray laughed. "I get asked that a dozen times a week. Yes, her name is Dr. Lauren Katie." Ray looked back at Kayla, who had a hopeful look in her eye. "I bet I know what you're looking for."

"Do you have any?"

"I think there's one back here somewhere." Ray reached down and pulled out a package of Great Value soft baked Snickerdoodles, and Kayla squealed with delight, making Ray chuckle. "Go ahead, kiddo. Give some to your parents if they want some too."

"I'm good, thanks. And you, young lady, are eating dinner soon, so no more than two right now."

"Dad, you want some?"

"Sure. I'll try one."

Five minutes later, Sam and Jess were sitting on a couch with Kayla between them, in a spacious office, as a young woman who barely seemed old enough to be out of high school looked over at them. After some small talk, she began the session.

"Alright, you guys. Let's get down to business. Kayla, you start. What did you want to talk to your parents about?"


	43. Chapter 43

“Alright, you guys. Let's get down to business. Kayla, you start. What did you want to talk to your parents about?”

Kayla shifted in her seat. “I thought I was ready for this.”

“Take your time, honey.” Dr. Katie said. “Do you want me to catch your parents up on what we’ve been talking about before now? Remember, you don’t have to. Everything we say in here’s confidential.”

Kayla nodded. “Yes, please.”

“Okay. You think about how you want to say it.” Dr. Katie turned towards Sam and Jess. “So, my main focus with Kayla has been calming herself down when she feels a flashback coming on.”

“What do you mean?” Jess asked.

“Kayla has some physical reactions when a flashback happens. Her heart races, she start to feel hot, and it becomes hard to breathe.”

“Oh, baby.” Jess said. “That sounds awful.”

“It is.” Kayla said honestly. “But she’s taught me how to deal with it.”

“How’s that?” Sam asked.

“I close my eyes and take three deep breaths in. If it doesn’t work, I do it again, and if I still feel bad, I call Dr. Katie or come find one of you.”

“What kind of things make you have to do that?” Sam asked. “Is it something we can help you with?”

“The biggest thing is when somebody touches me and I wasn’t expecting it. You guys are doing real good with that. Asking me if I want a hug and stuff. Thank you for that.”

“You don’t have to thank us for that, sweetie.” Jess said.

“Is there anything else we should know?” Sam asked.

“That’s up to Kayla. But that’s not what we came to talk about.” Dr. Katie said. “Kayla, we’re ready whenever you are.”

“I’m ready.” She said. After a beat, Kayla said, “You two have been treating me different ever since you moved back.”

“What do you mean we’ve been treating you different?” Sam asked.

“It’s like you’re tiptoeing around me. You both stare at me all the time. Like you’re waiting for me to lose it or something.”

Sam and Jess stared, dumbfounded. Neither of them had thought they were treating Kayla any differently. In fact, the two of them had discussed it and thought they were working hard at keep things as normal as possible for Kayla. Jess was the first one to speak.

“We’re not sure what you mean, honey.”

“You won’t let me do anything, but you’re afraid to say no. You used to never do that.”

“What did we say no to?” Sam asked.

“Going to Grace’s for the night. When she had her birthday party.” Kayla said. “You let me go, but you made me leave at eight o’clock.”

“Honey, we didn’t say no to you spending the night.”

Kayla scoffed. “You’re right. You wouldn’t use the word ‘no’. You said you’d ‘rather I didn’t’. So you’re telling me if I’d pushed it that you would’ve let me go?”

“No.” Sam admitted. “No, I wouldn’t have.”

“Okay. That’s my problem. Two of them, actually. If you didn’t want me going, why didn’t you say so, and why wouldn’t you have let me go?”

“We just needed you home for the night, honey.” Jess said.

“Why though? I asked you a week before the party. My grades are good. I haven’t gotten in trouble at all since that fight we had a couple weeks before Thanksgiving.”

“What fight?” Sam asked.

“Where you thought I failed that drug test and I ran away from Grandpa’s. Am I wrong? Have I gotten in any trouble since then?”

“No. You haven’t.” Sam conceded.

“Fine. So that’s why I wanted to do this here instead of at home. Because every time I’ve tried to ask why, you’ve shut me down.”

“How have I shut you down?” Sam asked.   


“Mostly by changing the subject.”

_Damn._ _She has noticed, _Sam thought. He shifted in his seat, and for the first time since Kayla explained the problem, Dr. Katie spoke. “Sam, is what she’s saying true?”

“Yes. She’s right.”

“Why is that? Can you explain it?”

“I don’t do it on purpose. I just would rather her be at home.”

“We need to dig a little deeper here.” Dr. Katie explained. “Kayla, you told me last week there was a reason you wanted to talk about this here rather than at home. Can you explain that for your dad?”

“I didn’t want us to fight.”

“What?” Sam asked. “What do you mean you didn’t want us to fight?”

Kayla sighed. “You’ve never really been a ‘because I told you so’ type of Dad. You’ve always explained why you said no most of the time. I like that because it shows me you’re not saying no just to be mean. But you’ve stopped doing that. It frustrates me. And I didn’t know how to say it at home without starting a fight like we used to have.”

“Are you talking about the fights you were telling me about? Before you moved back to South Dakota?”

“Yeah.”

“Sam, what do you think about that? Jess, feel free to comment too.” Dr. Katie told them. “And take a minute if you need it. That’s the best way to really listen to someone. Take a minute to fully think about what they said, then respond.”

There was a pause, and Sam and Jess looked at each other. They both knew the answer to Kayla’s yet to be fully formed question. They did keep her at home or with one of them, without completely admitting that’s what they were doing. She had been on one field trip since Sam and Jess moved back, to a small history museum in the next town over, and though the school hadn’t required any parents to chaperone the trip, Jess had gone along. It was the closest the three of them had come to an all out argument. Kayla had begged Jess not to go, claiming that she’d ‘look like the biggest geek ever’ being the only kid on the trip with a parent. They had compromised, or at least Jess thought they had, by letting Kayla stay home from school that day and Jess and Sam taking her at the end of the week.

Jess had had a good time. She knew for a fact Sam had had a good time. On Mary’s own insistence, she had spent the day with her grandfather and uncle Bobby. She’d claimed that she’d had Sam and Jess all to herself when they’d lived apart, and it was Kayla’s turn to have Mommy and Daddy for a little while. But had Kayla only agreed to the compromise because she didn’t want to risk a fight with them? Sam was the first to speak.

“When you were born, your mom had to have a C-section. Do you know what that is?”

“Kind of.” Kayla answered. “It means they had to cut me out, right?”

“Right.” Sam said. “Your mom had to have surgery instead of having you naturally. So, when you came out, she was asleep for a little while. So, after you were born, and I cut your cord and they cleaned you up, they handed you to me. And you were screaming your little head off. You were turning purple from crying so much.” Sam laughed a little at the memory, even as he wiped away tears. “But when they put you in my hands, all wrapped up and tiny in that little blanket, you stopped crying. I cuddled you and started singing to you and you didn’t cry again for almost two hours.”

“I wish I remembered that. It sounds like a nice memory.” Kayla said.

“It is. But the reason I brought it up is this. You know that your Grandpa and I weren’t talking when you were born, right?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“That…I tried to act like that didn’t hurt me. But it did. It hurt a lot. I’ve forgiven him since then, obviously. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have let him take care of you. But back then, I didn’t think he wanted anything to do with me, and that hurt. While I was holding you, and waiting on your mom to wake up, I promised you that I’d keep you safe, and that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt you. I promised I’d always be there for you.”

“Dad, you have always been there for me.” Kayla said.

“No. I appreciate you saying that, I really do. But I haven’t been there for you. I sent you to Grandpa’s and trusted you to be the one to call me if you needed something. I should never have done that. I broke my promise to you, and there was no excuse for that. I know I’ve said it already, but I’m so sorry for that.”

“Sam, this is good. This is very good. But you need to tie it to why you’re having a hard time with Kayla doing anything away from you or your wife.”

“I’m scared.” Sam said. “I trusted Art. I honestly trusted him. I thought he was a friend. And I’m afraid that if you aren’t at school, or with your Mom, or at your grandpa’s house, that you’ll get hurt again. I’m scared to death of that.”

“I get that.” Kayla said. “I’m scared too.”

“You are?” Sam asked. “You don’t seem to be.”

“Because I’m constantly telling myself that not everybody is Art. Not everybody wants to hurt me or control me. I say it in my head over and over when I see someone I don’t know.” Kayla said. “It used to take a lot of work, but over time it got to be a habit.”

“I didn’t know that.” Sam said.

Kayla smiled. “The first person I tried it on was Ray.”

“Ray out there in the waiting room?” Jess asked.

“Yeah. The first two weeks I was here, I wouldn’t even talk to him.” Kayla said. “I tried it the third week, and we’ve been friends since.”

“You said you were scared too?” Sam asked.

Kayla nodded. “I’m scared I’ll get hurt again too. And I’m careful talking to people. But I don’t want to let one bad person totally ruin me having a good life. Art wanted me scared. It’s what kept me from telling you. If I keep being scared, it’s like I’m letting him win. I don’t want to let him win.” Kayla sighed and groaned in frustration. “I sound like I’m rambling.”

“You’re not rambling. You’re making a lot of sense.” Sam assured her.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Jess? Is there anything you want to add to what Sam said?”

“Just that we didn’t mean to hurt you. We weren’t trying to, like you said, let Art win. We just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

“I know, Mom. I’m not mad, I just needed to talk about it, and it was easier to do it here.”

“I get that.” Jess said. “But listen. If you feel like we’re being unfair to you, I do want you to tell us. I don’t want you to hide it, okay?”

“I’ll try, Mom.”

“Okay. That’s all I can ask. And if we do get in an argument, then we get in an argument. We got in them even before Art. That’s what families do. It doesn’t mean Dad and I don’t love you.”

“That’s right.”

“This is all good, guys. You’ve barely needed me today, Kayla.” Dr. Katie said.

“What about doing stuff? Like the sleepover or the field trip?”

Sam sighed and looked to Jess again. “When’s the next time you and Grace have something planned?”

“We were talking about going to the movies next week. We want to see the new Harry Potter movie.”

“Let me drop you off and pick you up..” Sam asked. “Give me a little while to get used to the idea of you doing stuff on your own. If the movies goes okay, I’ll let you go on a sleepover at Grace’s once a month.”

“No calling me every few minutes? No texting? You’ll let me go with no strings attached?”

“Just one. Text me every couple hours just to let me know you’re okay.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. If I get that text from you, and you promise me you’ll come home by curfew and keep your grades up like you’ve been doing, I’ll keep my end of the deal.”

“Deal.” Kayla said. “Thanks for understanding.”

“I do get it. I don’t want you to grow up feeling suffocated.”

“I know I’ve said it already, guys, but this is really good.” Dr. Katie said. She turned to Kayla and asked, “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about with your parents?”

“That was pretty much it.”

“Okay. Now I have some questions for all of you. Sam, Jess, have you noticed any difference in Kayla since she started seeking treatment?”

“Yes.” Jess answered immediately.

“Can you be specific? What kind of changes have you noticed?”

“She’s calmer. Seems a lot happier.”

“I agree.” Sam said.

“How about her nightmares? Kayla, are you still having them?”

“Sometimes.” Kayla said, shifting a bit in her seat.   
  
“Kay?” Sam said. “Tell her the truth.”

Kayla frowned. “I’m still having them a lot.”

“Define a lot. How many have you had this week?”

“Four.”

“So you’re doing okay during the day, but still having a lot of problems at night.”

Kayla nodded.

“Okay. How do you handle your nightmares when you have them?”

“My dad usually wakes me up from them.”

“That’s good. What happens then? Do you talk about them?”

“Sometimes.”

“Do you ever go into detail?”

“No.” Kayla shook her head quietly.

“Why not? You haven’t revealed a lot of details to me either.”

“I don’t want other people to have to deal with this too.” Kayla said. “It happened. It’s over.”

“It isn’t over as long as it’s still hurting you.” Dr. Katie said. “And I’m not saying you have to tell us everything. But using effort to decide what to tell us and what not to tell us hinders you from healing, sweetie. That’s wasted energy.”

“I tell my dad some stuff sometimes when I wake up from those bad dreams.”

“Is that true, Sam?” Dr. Katie asked.

“Yeah, it is.”

“Okay. There you go. That’s great.”

“But you always seem mad when I do that.” Kayla said.

“Not at you.” Sam said. “I’m not mad at you in any way.”

“Sam? I get why you’re angry with Art over what he did to Kayla. But clearly Kayla can sense that anger. So I want you to work on putting that aside when she’s talking to you about what she went through.” Sam frowned and looked away, and Dr. Katie explained, “I’m not saying not to feel it. Just the opposite. It’s human to feel angry when someone hurts our child, especially in this kind of a way. But when you’re trying to be open and honest with someone, it’s hard to do that when they’re angry, even if they’re not angry with you. Does that make sense?”

“I think so.”

“You think you can work on that?”

“I’ll do my best.” Sam promised.

“Okay, you guys. Time’s almost up. I want to talk to you about one more thing.” Dr. Katie pulled out a pad from her desk. “I’m referring you to a doctor down the hall. Dr. Fisher.”

“Why?” Jess asked. “What for?”

“I think Kayla may have PTSD. It would explain why she can manage her symptoms so well during the day when she’s awake but why she’s having a harder time with it at night when she’s asleep.”

“Isn’t that what you’d be treating her for?” Jess asked.

“Yes, but there’s one final step. I want her to have a complete physical exam just to make sure there’s nothing physical behind her symptoms. If there is, and we don’t catch it, that might make this harder for us to deal with.”

“What’s PTSD?” Kayla asked. “What does that mean?”

“It means that you have been through something terrible, something that no one should ever have to deal with, and it’s causing your body to react in ways that you don’t quite get. Like the nightmares and the jumpiness and the upset stomachs you told me about.”

“But now that we know…”

“Now that we know, assuming there’s nothing else going on, we can work on helping you move past it even more. I know it feels like a long road ahead, and I won’t lie and say that it’s not. But one day, maybe real far along in the future, you’ll go a whole day without thinking about Art or anything bad he did to you. It won’t completely go away, but you’ll be able to function without this taking center stage in your brain.”

Kayla smiled. “That’ll be nice.”

“And I’m always here for you if you need to talk. But reach out to your parents too kiddo. They love you.”

“That’s right.” Sam and Jess agreed.

“Okay. That’s it for this week. Sam, Jess, thank you for coming in. Dr. Fisher’s a friend of mine, so give her this note when you go see her, and she can send me Kayla’s test results. We’ll see where to go from there. And I want you guys to know, that offer to call me anytime is open to you too.”

“Thanks. We’ll keep that in mind.”

“Alright, you guys. Kayla, I’ll see you next week. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Sam led Jess and Kayla out to the waiting room lobby, where there was a surprise waiting for them. “Grandpa!”

John stood up from the waiting room chair and smiled. “Hey, you.”

“What are you doing here? I told you Mom and Dad were bringing me.”

“I know, but I missed you.” John said, kissing Kayla’s cheek. “How’d it go?”

“Good.” Kayla said. “We talked about some stuff. I have to go see another doctor.”

“What for?” When Kayla explained, John said, “That actually makes sense.”

“It does?”

“It does. I have it too, kiddo. From my time in Vietnam and some…other stuff that happened.”

“I didn’t know that, Dad.” Sam said.

“It’s not really something I advertise.” John replied.

“Guys, can we go?” Kayla asked. “I spent enough time in here.”

The adults all laughed, and before anyone could respond, Ray came out from behind the desk. “Excuse me? Does that mean you’re not gonna say goodbye to me?”

Kayla smiled and waved. “Bye, Ray.”

“Bye, sweetie. See you next week.”

When everyone made it back to their cars, with the agreement to go to dinner at Kayla’s favorite restaurant and that John would meet them there with Mary, Dean, and Bobby, Sam turned in the driver’s seat to face Kayla in the back.

“Are you okay? Right now, I mean?”

“I am for now.” she said.

“Well, when you’re not, I’m here. Mom’s here. Even Mary and Grandpa and uncle Dean and uncle Bobby are here. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, Daddy. I do. I know.” Kayla said sincerely. “Come on, let’s go. I’m hungry.”


End file.
